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Automatically in Love: Bill Kaulitz fantasy Ch. 1



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Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:04 pm
TokioHotelVampire says...



10:00 AM, Saturday
"Now we're gonna play a special request from one of our listeners: Attention by Tokio Hotel." I gasp with delight at the first notes of the song blared from my radio.
"I'm trying to tell you, I'm trying to know you, I'm dying to show you, Fighting to get you"
I start to dance around my red-&-black, poster-covered room as the song I requested finally came on. I sang along to the song as I touched up my eye make-up and black lipstick. I straighten my glow-in-the-dark Tokio Hotel shirt and black skirt. I put my black combat boots on over my black-and-white tights and danced until the song was over.
"Thank you radio people!" I put my skull headband on my dyed black, choppy-layered hair and grab my vampire purse. Then I get my mp3 and run out the door yelling "BYE! I'm going out for my walk!"
I must be a sight, dressed like this, mouthing the words to a different Tokio Hotel song, on my way to my best friend, Aubie's house. It's sunny, which I hate, and peopleare running amock on the sidewalks. They stare at me like the weirdo I am and started talking to their friends, probably about me.
I finally make it to Aubie's house and bang on the door.
"Get the hell out Aubie! We have to go to Sekret Oktober NOW!" Sekret Oktober is our favorite store. It has everything we could ever need! She finally opens the door and glares at me.
"Stop yelling at me. I was in the other room!"
"Well, excuse me if we have several stops to make today without our parents knowing. Yours aren't home, are they?"
"No, thank god! We have to hurry though. They want me back at 2 this afternoon to go dress shopping. God knows they want me to get a pink one!"
"What's the dress for again? You told me before, but I can't remember."
"How about something about my sister's wedding next weekend? That jog your memory?"
"Are you ok? You sound tense."
"CAUSE I DON'T WANT A FREAKING PINK DRESS!"
Weare on our way to Sekret Oktober now, and I can't hold it in anymore!
"Guess what? I requested a Tokio Hotel song on the radio and they PLAYED IT!" I scream with excitement as they never play TH on the radio.
"Ok, so?"
"Do you not know that the radio NEVER EVER plays Tokio Hotel? Come on! You like them too!"
"They're ok. I like the music, but the guys aren't really that hot."
"That only matters some! I bet they are extremely nice, caring, and loving. They always say that their fans are the best and they never really care about what others think of them. They play the music they love, and..."
"I GET IT ALREADY! God! Will you shut up?! We're here already!"
"Oh." I know Aubie doesn't like them as much as me, but she can at least be a little more happy for me!Can't she?
"Hey guys. Are you looking for something special?" The cashier, Janess, has been our friend for a while now, so we always get discounts here. That's why we come here for our clothing and Hot Topic for our band crap and accesories.
"Hey Jan, yeah. We saw that there was some new stuff here, so we came to check it out," I told her.
"Cool. New stuff's in the back." We thanked her and walked toward the back.
"Lexis, come see this corset! It would look wicked on you! Lexis?" I'm looking at a dress: black, to my knees, the sleeves show your shoulders but hug your arms up to your wrist, the back of the dress flows to the floor, so beautiful. "LEXIS!" I scream and start yelling at Aubie.
"What the hell is wrong with you?! I'm right here!"
"Sorry, but I was trying to get your..." She spotted the dress. "That would look even better on you than this corset." She put the top back and ran over to me. "You have to try it on." She pushed me to the dressing rooms and into a stall. "Don't come out until you have that on!" I sigh and putit on. I look at myself in the mirror and love the way it looks on me. I come out as Aubie squeals. "Put your clothes back on and get out here! You're getting that!" I sigh again and retreat into the room.
~~*~~
I'm at the park sitting on the swings. It's sunday and, unlike yesterday, it's gray, tinted blue, and sprinkling. I love this weather. I'm wearing my new Tokio Hotel gloves and vampire necklace. "Sweet Dreams" by Marilyn Manson filling my head as cars drive by. I'm singing along to the song, since I love to sing.
"Sweet dreams are made of these. Who am I to disagree? Travel the world and the seven seas.Everybody's looking for something."
"Wat phong iph phat?" A muffled voice asked. Pausing my song, I look up at the person. A tall boy, looking no more than 18, has on a hat and sunglasses andis apparently walking a dog. He wears a plain black t-shirtand dark blue jeans under a long leather coat. "Yes, you there. What song are you singing?" His voice has a strong german accent and he sounds exactly like Bill Kaulitz, Tokio Hotel's lead singer.
"Uh, it's 'Sweet Dreams' by Marilyn Manson."
"I'll have to look up that song. Do you mind if I listen to the song for a second?" I usually don't allow strangers to hold anything of mine, but he looks so harmless and alot like Bill. He could be him. Maybe he is. Wait...he's still waiting for an answer!
"Uh, sure. Go ahead." He comes over and puts one ear plug in.
"By the way, you sounded beautiful. Were you straining to go that low?"
"Thanks. And yeah, I can't sing that low, but I like this song alot, so I just ignored that."
"Wow." I pressed play and he started nodding his head to the next verse. "This is good. I definatly have to get this song." I smiled. He was nice. If he really is Bill Kaulitz, I was completly right about him. I petted the dog as it wagged it's tail. The boy laughed. "Well, do you mind if I talk to you for a while? You seem very interesting."
"Sure. I'm Lexis. What's your name?"
"Um, do you promise not to freak out?" Oh my god.
"Uh, sure? I don't know why I would, but, ok."
"Thank you. My name's Bill. Bill kaulitz." I froze. My reason for living, my god, my angel, is right here in front of me. He listened to my mp3 and thought my singing was good. Oh my f**king god!
"I love your music so much. I listen to it every day!"
"Thank you. You seem calm."
"I'm actually really nervous right now!" We both laughed. He takes off his sunglasses and looks down. I wanted so badly to gaze into those beautiful chocolate brown eyes. To see his eyebrow piercing, for him to look into my eyes and stare for eternity, but he kept looking down.
"I bet you can't believe you are talking to me now, huh?"
"Well, you are my favorite out of the 4 of you." He finally looked at me and smiled a cute smile. My god, his eyes were so brown!
We talk for the next couple hours and play like little kids on the playground until my phone rang.
"I really need to change it to 'Hilf Mir Fliegen.'" I completly forgot I was with the one who sang the song. I answered my ringing phone. "Hello?"
"Where on earth are you?! You were supposed to be home by 2 and it's 2:30! You're going to be late for Fang Gang!'" Ugh, Fang Gang. The one club I'm in that I love so much had to meet today of all days! I would much rather not go today and just hang out with my new friend, but I have to go.
"I'll be home soon. I promise." I hung up and looked at Bill. "I have to go. I really wish I didn't have to, but I do. Can we hang out later though?" He walks over to me, grabs my phone, and does something to it.
"Call me when you get back from what ever you are doing and we can hang out here then. I promise." He gives me a tight, gentle hug and I hug back. "I will see you soon Lexis." He got his dog's leash and waves as he walkes away. I wave back until he's out of sight. I jump up and down and dance all the way back home. I met my angel today. Can my life get any better?
Last edited by TokioHotelVampire on Mon Jul 26, 2010 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Mein Herz kämpft
Gegen mich
Wie'n Alien in mir
Ich steh auf
Dreh mich um
Alles blutverschmiert
Ich schau in den Spiegel
Und da steht geschrieben
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 6
Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:06 pm
SharonPie01 says...



Okay,It was good,but I suggest you change it around a little bit.
10:00 AM, Saturday
radio: Now we're gonna play a special request from one of our listeners: Attention by Tokio Hotel.
song starts:I'm trying to tell you, I'm trying to know you, I'm dying to show you, Fighting to get you
I start to dance around my red-&-black, poster-covered room as the song I requested finally came on.

That part kind of annoys me.Sorry for being so strict though,I don't mean to.But in my opinion(I'm just suggesting it would be best) you should get rid of radio and song starts.It would read best as :
I opened my make-up box as the radio man announced cheerfuly,"Now we're gonna play a special request from one of our listeners; Attention by Tokio Hotel. As the song starts I begun to quietly mumble the words to the song as I put on my light blush."I'm trying to tell you, I'm trying to know you, I'm dying to show you, Fighting to get you..." the radio sang at full volume.I start to dance around my red-&-black, poster-covered room as the song I requested finally came on.

"BYE! I'm going out for my walk!"We have to go to Sekret Oktober NOW!CAUSE I DON'T WANT A FREAKING PINK DRESS!
Sorry,I have a thing for useless capital letters.Why don't you use italics or !!!

it's blue/gray and sprinkling.
I like the way you describe except the blue/grey part. Blue-greyish fits in better.

"Well, do you mind if I talk to you for a while? You seem very interesting."
"Sure. I'm Lexis. What's your name?"
"Um, do you promise not to freak out?" Oh my god.
"Uh, sure? I don't know why I would, but, ok."
"Thank you. My name's Bill. Bill kaulitz." I froze. My reason for living, my god, my angel, is right here in front of me. He listened to my mp3 and thought my singing was good. Oh my freaking god!
"I love your music so much. I listen to it every day!"
"Thank you. You seem calm."
"I'm actually really nervous right now!."
I have to compliment.I love this part of the conversation.And the part when Lexis goes,"My reason for living, my god, my angel, is right here in front of me. He listened to my mp3 and thought my singing was good. Oh my freaking god!" It made me giggle.
And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby
Everytime-Britney Spears
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 15813
Reviews: 213
Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:40 pm
SporkPunk says...



Hey TH vampire! SporkPunk here for a review :D

Nitpicks

10:00 AM, Saturday
radio: Now we're gonna play a special request from one of our listeners: Attention by Tokio Hotel.
song starts:I'm trying to tell you, I'm trying to know you, I'm dying to show you, Fighting to get you


I don't like this. It's awkward and is completely unnecessary. The reviewer above me gave a great alternative.

I must be a sight, dressed like this, mouthing the words to a different TH song,[/quote
Don't abbreviate the band name. That sparks confusion.

Weare We are on our way to Sekret Oktober now, and I can't hold it in anymore!

In stories, you like to clarify the setting. So what on earth is a "Sekret Oktober?" At first, I thought it was a venue, since your MC likes music. But it turns out it's a store. Sometimes, clarification is your best friend. There's a space after we and before are.

"LEXIS!" I scream

I thought your MC was Lexis?

it's blue/gray and sprinkling.

That's beyond unoriginal. A better way would be something like, "The sky is tinged blue with hints of grey." Or something.

"Thank you. My name's Bill. Bill kaulitz."

Predictable...doesn't make for interesting reading.

My reason for living, my god, my angel, is right here in front of me. He listened to my mp3 and thought my singing was good. Oh my freaking god!
Wow. Your MC is quite the fan. This line made me laugh. xD

There are also a few spelling errors throughout, but I think you can find them pretty easily, your grammar is decent. Though, why do you randomly switch tenses? That's not good.
Storyline
It wasn't bad. I kind of liked this piece. I didn't love it, but it was entertaining. :D It was fairly unoriginal, but not bad for fanfiction. From the moment you mentioned the boy, I figured it was Kaulitz. But that's fanfiction, so it's not a bad thing. :)

Also, one last thing. Have you ever heard of self-inserts? It's where the author creates the MC in his/her own likeness and sort of lives out fantasies vicariously through them. I don't really think that's what you did here, but some people might. Just something to watch for. :)

Overall, a very entertaining read.
Keep Writing!

~Leslie
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

REVIEWS FOR YOU | | Uprising (coming soon!)
  





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5 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1062
Reviews: 5
Mon Jul 26, 2010 5:57 pm
TokioHotelVampire says...



Thanks for the reviews. I appreciate them. I'm not used to the whole writing scene because I'm still a little new to it, but this is a major story i've been working on for a while. I do appreciate all the helpful tips you are giving me. I will edit this chapter and it will be better. The story also gets better as you get into it a little more. It is, also, supposed to be a little predictable when the boy says his name is Bill Kaulitz. The MC is a major fan and you are supposed to know that. Even if you didn't, there's humor written into more of the chapters. The story is about love, hate, jelousy, and friendship. The message is...actually, I'll let you find that out on your own because I do not believe it's right for the author tot ell the message. But it is important in life. Thank you so much for the help and I will take these tips and use them in future stories and chapters. :)
Mein Herz kämpft
Gegen mich
Wie'n Alien in mir
Ich steh auf
Dreh mich um
Alles blutverschmiert
Ich schau in den Spiegel
Und da steht geschrieben
  








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