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Half-bloods and Rather Interesting... Heroics



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Mon Aug 02, 2010 7:13 pm
brassnbridle says...



I started this because I just love the series- suggestions and opinions are more than welcome! Let me hear what you think! The name is definitely not going to stay, I just needed something to call it. I know this post is a little short- it was either this or super long- but if anyone has any ideas, let me know! I hope you enjoy :D


Just for the record- I am not the type that habitually jumps off cliffs. In fact, it’s something I usually avoid. It never, ever, ends well. But this was a special case.

Annabeth and I were supposed to be scouting out two more half bloods and pulling him from his perfectly normal middle school life in eastern Virginia and introducing him to the world of gods, monsters, and Camp Half-Blood. Of course, I’d yet to meet a half-blood that had had a perfectly normal school career, and most of them had all ready been introduced to monsters, whether they were aware of the fact or not.

We’d done this dozens and dozens of times since the gods had promised to remember and notify camp about all of their children- the camp’s population had quadrupled at the very least. Satyrs were working full shifts, and older campers were sent out as well on unusual case conditions.

Well, this one definitely qualified. Camp Half-Blood had received a hastily scrawled note saying two half-bloods were enrolled in Seaside Middle School in Werechest, Virginia and needed to be moved immediately, if not sooner. No name, no Olympian parent identification- nothing.

Chiron, concerned by the nature of the note, sent Annabeth and I out that evening on the first southern-bound bus from New York City. Upon arriving and realizing we didn’t even know which kids we were to pull out, let alone what kind of danger they might be in, we decided to keep constant surveillance on as many students as possible and did the unthinkable- we enrolled in middle school. Again.

Annabeth was better at faking her age than I, so I got to be an eighth grader, she a seventh. It was remarkably easy; a few foraged signatures, a tale of missing a grade or two for a deathly illness, and a twist of the mist, and bang! We had schedules.

Now, two weeks later, we were chasing a remarkably agile janitor through the halls during a passing period, on a hunch that he was up to no good. And, though we were gaining on him, we still had one major disadvantage- we still hadn’t managed to identify our half-bloods.

“I told you, Percy,” Annabeth scolded as we skidded around the corner, “I told you, keep with that janitor!”
“Me?” I exclaimed. “I was betting on the history teacher. That man is a dictator!”
“Pah. You’re just mad at him for giving you a detention for arguing about the outcome of the Battle of Thermopoly,” Annabeth said. “That janitor just… reeks monster.”

“Ok Grover,” I answered saucily. “Hey- there!” I pointed as I caught the janitor ducking into a classroom. Putting on an extra burst of speed and dodging a few locker body-slams we skidded into the classroom before the door had a chance to shut.
The Spanish teacher glanced at me curiously.

“Need to talk to the janitor about a flaming heater,” I explained, surveying the classroom as I spoke. The teacher stood at the front of the room in front of his whiteboards. Windows lined the right hand wall, which the janitor was inching his way towards. Only a few students were in the room yet, getting ready for their upcoming class. One of which, I noticed, was a flaming red, kinky haired girl Annabeth and I suspected was one of the half-bloods.

“Well,” the teacher said, his eyebrows raising, “I’m sure that- Mr. Hilblood?” The janitor had chosen that moment to leap over a row of desks and grabbed the redhead around her waist like she weighed less than a sack of potatoes. Annabeth and I charged, but we had several more rows of desks, not to mention screaming students, to get around.

The janitor shoved a few desks out of his way, scooped up a thin boy wearing rainbow-tinted sunglasses under his other arm, and leaped through a window. The girl let out an ear-piercing shriek, accompanied by the shattering glass. Annabeth and I followed, jumping through the newly-formed exit.

And we met with a startling sight- the janitor, holding his two captives, standing inches from the edge of a cliff. And beyond that- well, there was a reason the school was called Seaside. I pulled out Riptide, and Annabeth flung at the monstrous janitor with an ancient Greek war cry. She got luckier- whereas my sword missed decapitating the janitor by a hairline, she caught ahold of the girl’s legs, yanking her free from the janitor’s grasp- just as he threw himself off the edge with the boy, cackling crazily. So, I did the only thing reasonable.

I jumped off the cliff.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien
  





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Mon Aug 02, 2010 7:42 pm
Torigirl15 says...



I love the percy jackson series, and I think this was written exactly like the books. It was almost like I was reading a forgotton chapter! There were a few problems though, mainly grammatical things.

brassnbridle wrote:Annabeth and I were supposed to be scouting out two more half bloods and pulling him If Percy and Annabeth are supposed to be scouting out two halfbloods, then it should be "pulling them from thier..." Etc. from his perfectly normal middle school life in eastern Virginia and introducing him to the world of gods, monsters, and Camp Half-Blood


Keep writing! I really enjoyed reading this!
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Mon Aug 02, 2010 8:41 pm
TheEnigma says...



Ha, I liked your beginning and end a lot! You had me hooked from the start and kept the action moving really well. It's like this piece is pretty much the story of why the MC jumped off the cliff. A well-told story, too. Nice use of dialogue, too. Great job.
  





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Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:34 pm
Sierra says...



I LOVE Percy Jackson!!!!!!

This was wonderfully true to the books, and i loved how Annabeth and Percy interacted. It was soooo like them. I have no nitpicks, except i think this was too short, and i want more.
Tell me if you are posting more of this!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!
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We used to be such fragile broken things.
  





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Sun Aug 22, 2010 7:03 pm
LookUpThere says...



Perfect. Only one thing to say. You made the same little mistake that irritated me about the Percy books. Something that cost it perfection! Along with Maximum Ride and Daniel X. Yes, I'm talking about Sar-ca-sam! I'm not talking 'bout wit-ty-jokes! The last stanza reeks of, "Boy you are a demigod! Get used to it!" and is the only thing standing between this piece and perfection.

I have to say that I loved your focus. If that's how you write usually then heck, I want to see your pieces weekly, dude. In other words, ALL WRITERS< CHECK THIS OUT!

Alright, I have nothing to nit-pick about this except for the aforementioned sarcasm. On a fan conscious note, Annabeth can't be in a grade below Percy, isn't she slightly taller or about the same height? I dunno, bad memory.

My suggestions:
:arrow: When you extend the chapter, draw parallels to several gods so that we can being to speculate the children's parentage. That's something that gets PJO fan everytime, pointing at people in the street and saying, "Hephaestus, Hermes, Zeus..."
:arrow: Extend the chapter and oh heck, just post it here as well. While reviewers are often discouraged by long rambling posts, yours is an exception. It has perfect pace and besides, it's not like they'll have much to review anyway. This piece is quite good already.
:arrow: Your title needs to change. While you did correctly show that this is a Percy Jackson fanfic, the title doesn't even give a hint as to where the story might go. If you want to stick to the Percy Jackson format then put 'THE' in front of it. I can't give you a suggestion now, sadly because I don't have too much to work with.

:arrow: If your plotting a story then the best thing to do would be to develop the villain first. While Percy Jackson focused around Kronos, the new series The Heroes of Olympus has deviated there from. Judging from the first two chapter available on camphalfblood.com with the password newhero (Which has nothing to do with me!) Rick Riordan has presented a mysterious villain rather early which already draws speculation about the structure of the story. Don't use Kronos again, please. Research Greek history and get your own villain.

:arrow: Keep up the good work.

*LIKED*

Well, thanks for the great read, brass.

TheNewHero,
Out...
  





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Sun Oct 03, 2010 3:07 pm
DemiGodsRule12 says...



I liked it I really did. The main thing that caught me was
"Annabeth and I were supposed to be scouting out two more half bloods and pulling him from his perfectly normal middle school life in eastern Virginia and introducing him to the world of gods, monsters, and Camp Half-Blood."
Shouldn't it be that they were scouting out two half-bloods, so therefore it should say "and pulling 'them' from 'their' perfectly..." That was really the only thing that caught my eye. Other than that keep writing.
Overall:
It's a great story. I would love to see were it goes.
“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love. By returning, you may ensure that fewer souls are maimed, fewer families are torn apart. If that seems to you a worthy goal, then we say good-bye for the present.” - Albus Dumbledore
  





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Sun Oct 03, 2010 6:57 pm
brassnbridle says...



Thanks!
Shouldn't it be that they were scouting out two half-bloods, so therefore it should say "and pulling 'them' from 'their' perfectly..."
Originally there was only one half-blood, then a little later on I changed it to two. Can't believe I missed those. So sorry about that.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien
  





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Fri Oct 08, 2010 10:26 am
Noelle says...



Oh my gosh this is so amazing! You did a great job with this story. I am a huge fan of the series to, and you definatly did it justice. You even wrote just like Rick Riordan.

She got luckier- whereas my sword missed decapitating the janitor by a hairline, she caught ahold of the girl’s legs, yanking her free from the janitor’s grasp- just as he threw himself off the edge with the boy, cackling crazily. So, I did the only thing reasonable.

I jumped off the cliff.


That sounds exactly what Percy would do. The part highlighted in purple was one of my favorite parts. :D Keep writing. I hope you post more!
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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