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The Pirate and The Sister: Chapter 1



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Wed Aug 04, 2010 1:53 pm
Ladynagrom says...



I felt like I should post something, seeing as I don't think I'll be posting on The Ruler's Heir for quite some time. Don't expect this one to be updated frequently, as the evil demons of writer's block are guarding these two stories. This one is the first of three chapters I have posted on DeviantArt, though it's not done yet either. Also, this will sound rather pathetic, but please: Teach me how to indent! I can't figure out how for the life of me.


Rain spattered against the window of the covenant in which Sister Chealsi Near lived. She hadn't lived there long - only a few months- and she still hadn't been able to get closer to God like she had hoped. Instead, it seemed with each day full of the same things she went farther and farther away from Him. But it had been her choice, it had been since the day her child had been born and she dropped it at the nearest orphanage she could find, then ran as fast as she could to the covenant. It had also been raining on the day the sisters had found her soaked to the bone, clinging to their gates for dear life. Now the sisters were gone; they were off to deal with some business a few towns away. Sister Superior had asked her to watch over the covenant while they were gone, and to let the gardener in when he came each day while they were away.

So Chealsi was alone in the big ol' covenant until the sisters got back, which wouldn't be for a couple of weeks. She closed her eyes, letting memories fill her mind. There she was, as a young girl, dancing to a tune the father played on his flute. At fourteen, sobbing at her father's funeral; And finally at fifteen, being married to an eighty year old man on his deathbed, forced to by her mother, who needed the money. The man had died nearly after she found out she was pregnant. Part of her was smug, he had gotten what he deserved; Not living to see his heir born, he had beaten and embarrassed her many times in front of Port Royal's most high class, while they stood and watched, egging him on. Of course, he had one of the servants do the beating, since he wasn't strong enough to hurt her. Suddenly, another, even more painful memory entered her mind. It was right after the old man had died; She had just been evicted from his home, which his sister sold for a large sum of money.


'Chealsi walked hand in hand with Johnathan. He was the one; She was sure of it. She was also sure, that that night, he was going to propose to her. She was dressed in one of her finest dresses, one of the few that she had left after the old man had died. They were in a park now.
"Chealsi." Johnathan had said, his voice hard, his grip tightening around her wrist. Suddenly, a sense of dread washed over her, and she looked up. Johnathan's black eyes took on a hard glint as he looked at her with no emotion.

"Johnathan?" She had whispered, scared. At that moment, she saw the knife he had been slowly raising with his other hand. Her scream split the night as it sliced down her arm. Voices could be heard almost immediately. Johnathan swore under his breath, and staggered away. Chealsi fell to her knees, to shocked to cry, or to even talk.
"Miss?" A voice said. She looked up to see another, older, kinder man looking down with her with worry in his eyes. "Oi! Some of you go after the man, the rest help me get this woman to my home!" After that, Chealsi lost consciousness.'


A sudden clap of thunder brought Chealsi out of her memories. She shivered, and rolled up her sleeve, looking at the long scar that went almost perfectly straight down her arm. It would never heal, it would be a constant reminder of why she had joined the covenant, so she wouldn't have to deal with that sort of pain again. She had loved Johnathan, and he had tried to kill her in a moment of insanity. Or at least, that was what the doctors thought, though they weren't sure. Pulling her sleeve down, she pushed back the memories. A sudden thought crossed her mind, something to distract her, if at least for a moment. It had been months since the last time she had worn her night gown for the heck of it. She walked quickly up the stairs to her room. Pulling off her clothes, she looked into the mirror, a smug smile crossing her face as she looked at her chest. She turned and grabbed her nightgown and slipped it on. The last to come off was her habit. As she took it off, her long red hair tumbled down to her back. This time when she looked into the mirror she frowned. Because of her bright red hair and blue eyes, her skin seemed all the more pale. She shook her head, brushed out her hair a few times, and walked back downstairs. She stopped and spun around a few times just for the heck of it. Small joys like this was what made her most happy, probably because she hadn't had them in a long time.

Later that night-much later- she hopped onto her bed, and curled up under her blankets, tired after a long day of doing nothing at all. Several hours later Chealsi shot up from her bed sweating. She had had the dream again, the night Johnathan had attacked her. Suddenly, she heard foot steps outside of the hall. Not awake enough to be scared, she got up, curious, and stepped into the hallway. The first thing she saw was the black eyes. A scream ripped through her before she could stop it. A suntanned hand shot out and grabbed her, holding her against the owners chest. Her heart pounded as she gulped for air.


"I'd appreciate it if you would stop screaming, seeing as screaming might attract the very men I'm running from, savvy?" She nodded, shaking with relief and terror. She was relieved that it wasn't Johnathan, though her logical side scolded her, reminding her that Johnathan was dead; He had been hung. She was terrified because if this man wasn't Johnathan, then who was he? She felt him spin her around gently, and put his mouth over her hand to keep her from screaming. "I am going to go in the room you just came out of, and you will go with me. Do not scream, and hold very, very still." He said, walking slowly into her room and shutting the door softly behind her. She suddenly realized with terror what a bad situation she was in. She was with an unknown man, much stronger than her, in her bedroom. She searched the room, looking for a way out. Suddenly, all the tenseness left the man, and the air around them changed immensely. He breathed a sigh of relief that tickled the hairs on her neck.


" 'Ello, what's this?" His voice suddenly pierced the silence. She squirmed as she felt him move the material on her shoulder back, revealing the scar. She felt his hand travel down her arm, feeling the scar. She held completely still, terrified. "Interesting. How'd a young lass in a covenant get somethin' like this?" Seeing as he hadn't moved his hand from her mouth, it seemed like a question to himself more than to her. The man slid his hand out of her sleeve, and he bent low, his hand sliding off of Chealsi's mouth, across her mouth, and rested on her arm. "Who might you be?" He asked, his hot, rancid breath on her neck.
"M-my name is Ch-chealsi, Chealsi Near." She said softly, "Wh-who are you?"The man chuckled and straightened up, his hands still on her arms.
"I am Captain Jack Sparrow!" He announced with an air of pride and self-importance.
"Why are you here, Captain?" Chealsi asked.

"Because I was left on a godforsaken deserted island on my own by my crew yet again." He said. While his voice was calm enough, his fingers tightened on her arms until she gave a yelp of pain. Startled, he released his grip on her. "Sorry 'bout that love." He said as she walked away from him, across the small room. For the first time she got a good look at him. He was a pirate, that much was obvious. He had multiple gold teeth, he was around six foot, maybe a couple inches shorter, with a whiskery mustache and a beard in two braids. His dark dreadlocks were ornamented with multiple coins and beads. He had dark, tanned skin with faint scars here and there. With a clear view of him, his eyes were what caught her attention the most. After a few moments, the pira- Captain Jack- cleared his throat. Chealsi blushed, not realizing that she had been staring.

"Now, I know ye enjoy the view love, but let me finish my story if ye would. After my crew marooned me, I got to this town by killing all the people on a small sail boat and sailing to the nearest land I could find. The port guards saw me, and recognized me instantly-" Smugness filled his voice at that part. "-and tried to kill me, so I came here. I was walking past this room when you happened to be here... What are you doing here alone?" Chealsi stiffened. She didn't know if it was wise to tell him how far away the sisters- or for that matter, help- was. She took a breath, and told a half lie:

"The sisters are away for the night, they left me here to watch after the covenant." She said. A strange glint shone in the Captain's eyes, not the same as Johnathan's, but still as unsettling, like a hunger. She took a step back, her back pressing the cold stone wall. The pirate looked away after a minute.


"If ye wouldn't mind love, I need a place to stay for the night. If ye'd be so kind..." He turned his gaze to the bed. Chealsi nodded, telling him to stay in this room, she'd use another. The last thing she wanted was for him to be in her room, but it'd be just as unsettling if he was in one of the sister's room. "Let me just grab the keys." She said quietly, going to her chest and pulling out a ring of brass keys sister superior had given her before she left. Chealsi walked out of the room and locked the door before resting her back on it. She had a pirate- a perverted one at that- in the covenant. "I'm so dead." She muttered before going to the next room. She stretched out on the bed, but couldn't sleep. She had forgotten something... but what? Three hours later, it struck her. She got up from the bed and came out of the room quickly, jamming the keys into the lock and walking in to find the pirate snoring on her bed, with nothing on but his pants. She grimaced, and walked silently over to her chest of drawers. She opened the drawer slowly, and reached in. Tied onto a peice of string was a ring made of solid gold with an odd gem in the middle of it. The captain snorted, opening his eyes for a split second as she raised the ring up to tie it around her neck. I can't believe I left this in a room with a pirate. I'm such an idiot. She thought standing up and going back to her room, making sure to lock the Captain's door. She crawled into bed for the third time that night, exhausted. She fell asleep almost immediately, into a black, dreamless sleep.
Last edited by Ladynagrom on Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"I take a long time in the bathroom. It's what girls do. Excuse me for my gender." - Me to my brother
  





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Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:18 pm
brassnbridle says...



First- under normal circumstances you just hit tab. You can't indent on YWS- at least I've never seen it. Don't ask me why. And giant blocks of text very easily turn readers away. The best thing to do is to break it into smaller paragraphs and hit enter after each one to put in a blank line. It'll make your writing a lot less intimidating. (I hope that makes sense)

She hadn't lived their long
you want 'there' not 'their'.
It had been raining that day to
'too', not 'to'.

As for your story, it was well written. I loved how you finally introduced Jack Sparrow.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien
  





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Fri Aug 06, 2010 2:22 am
TheAuthor says...



That's a real nice piece of work. Good job.

However, there are some mistakes.
These suggestions and corrections will start from the beginning of the story to the end. They won't be all scrambled everywhere to the point that it's confusion, so don't worry.

She hadn't lived their long, only a few months, and she still hadn't been able to get closer to God, like she had hoped

"Their" should be "there". And I suggest using a dash ( -- ) before and after "only a few months". A comma isn't necessary after God and before "like she had hoped."

Instead, it seemed with each day full of the same things she came farther and farther away from Him.

That should be went farther and farther away from him. Or you can write was being dragged farther and farther away from him.

It had been raining that day to, the day the sisters had found her soaked to the bone, clinging to their gates for dear life.

That should be "too". Oh, and I suggest changing up this sentence, because the way it's structured is incorrect, I believe. Something like: It had also been raining on the day the sisters had found her soaked to the bone, clinging to their gates for dear life.

Now the sister were gone, off to deal with some business a few towns away

Maybe you should change this to: Now the sisters were gone; they were off to deal with some business a few towns away.

There she was, as a young girl, dancing to a tune the father played on his flute. At fourteen, sobbing at her father's funeral. And finally at fifteen, being married to an eighty year old man on his deathbed, forced to by her mother, who needed the money.

The last two sentences are fragments. Semi-colons should be used in that situation.

Part of her was smug, he had gotten what he deserved, not living to see his heir born, he had beaten and embarrassed her many times in front of Port Royal's most high class, while they stood and watched, jeering him on.

There should be a semi-colon where the first comma is. The bold sentence is a fragment and I suggest you edit it.
Um, I'm not sure if you realized this, but the word "jeer" means to speak or cry out in scorn. It basically means to mock. Did you mean to write cheering him on?

Of course, he had one of the servant's do the beating, since he wasn't strong enough to hurt her. Suddenly, another, even more painful memory. It was right after the old man had died, she had just been evicted from his home, which his sister sold for a large sum of money.

"Servants" should be without a comma. The second sentence is a sentence fragment -- it's not a complete thought. Also, a semi-colon should be used instead of the first comma in the last sentence.

He was the one, she was sure of it

A semi-colon should be used instead of the comma.

as she took it off, her long red hair tumbled down to her back.

First word should be capitalized.

A suntanned hand shot out and grabbed her, holding her against a chest.

Um, did Jack hold her against her breasts or an actual chest? That sort of confused me. Perhaps you should clarify this.

She was relieved that it wasn't Johnathan, though her logical side scolded her, reminding her that Johnathan was dead, he had been hanged.

A semi-colon should be used before "he had been hanged".

I can't believe I left this in a room with a pirate. I'm such an idiot. She thought

When I read that, I actually thought you switched from third-person POV to first person POV. You should do something to mark off her thoughts so that we know when she's thinking, besides the "She thought" at the end. Like, you can italicize her thoughts.


Your are quite the story-teller, I must say. The story flows very well and it kept me hooked since the very beginning. Honestly, it did! Keep up the good work. But I think you should work a little bit more on the usage of punctuation. There were many places where you either used a punctuation incorrectly or failed to use one. And you should also work on sentence fragments, because you had a few of those in there.

Overall, I'm very impressed. It's really a nice beginning to a story.
  








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