z

Young Writers Society


In Love With The Enemy.Chapter 2.



Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 6
Fri Aug 27, 2010 4:14 pm
SharonPie01 says...



This chapter is quite long, hope you guys don't mind. I also hope it was better than the first chapter(where there were A LOT of errors!) Thanks for reading :smt001 :smt001 :smt001 I looked up intensively. Another newborn thrown was into the air. He was missing a head like the last two. I sat there a few more minutes counting how many of us are killed. The number was incredible. I gasped as a huge, red haired wolf jumped over my head. Although he looked furious, he wasn't going after me. Watching the huge battle from my own eyes was so exciting as well as terrifying. One question was circling in my head over and over. How many of us will have to die ? I just cannot sit here, watch everybody get killed. What will be with Bree? She isn't as strong as the rest of us. Well, I think the result is easy to understand; join the Cullen family or die. I was never great at decisions, but now I know what I want or rather what I have to want. I got up from the dirty floor and begun to run through the bloodbath. I had to dodge a few of newborn vampires or wolves but as they were distracted it wasn't too hard.
I stopped and looked around. In far distance I spotted the girl from earlier on. I rushed up to her, she was standing on a huge rock in the middle of the wet from the rain field. I walked up to her and hesitated for a while. Well, there is a possibility she won't trust me and rip my head off or worse. You can't judge unless you try yourself, I guess. I tipped her shoulder three times. She turned, gasping and gloaming my arm and head. She paused when she realised who it was and let go slowly. "It's you again. I would have hid if I were you. What are you doing here?" she asked with a cold tone in her rather beautiful voice.
"I don't want to kill. I swear, we had no idea what was going on. I can't kill anyone, I don't want to be the evil one. Let me join you. I will become a vegetarian if that's what it takes. Please," I urged. The girl looked around and grabbing my hand, led me into the bushes where I just came from. We knelled down low and the girl swallowed before speaking,"Okay, I'm Alice. What's your name?"
"Opel."
"Opel, I'm sorry but I can't hide you until the end of the world. Plus, my family would never forgive me if I did so. Go, run or something, before I change my mind.”
"Please, Alice. I can't die. I have a little girl to take care of. I promised that everything will be alright. If not me, then her. Please. I will do anything!” I begged, feeling tears at the back of my eyes.
“I said, go be-”
“I know Victoria's exact location right now,” I muttered quickly but clearly. Alice froze and looked at me for a few minutes in silence.
“Okay. Be careful and fight our side. You're pretty nice, so it would be good to save you,” Alice's voice and expression softened in a flash. I nodded and ran off thinking only about Bree and how, hopefully, I saved our lives.
I dodged a werewolf that growled at me, but was distracted by a male newborn. I grabbed a newborn myself and crushed his skull with my legs squeezing them towards each other. I grabbed the one standing over me, ready to attack and flipped him over my shoulder. As he tried to get out I grabbed his hair and banged his head on the already dead newborn. I got up and ran towards another vampire flipping him back for Alice to catch and tear into pieces. This isn't as hard as I thought..

******

When the war ended, it ended with a great success to us. When me and Alice advanced together breathing heavily to her family, we introduced ourselves. It turned out Alice wasn't as bad as Riley told us. When the family got into view, I stuck with Alice. I was keeping a safe distance from them, in case. Out of the bloom, a child ran towards me. With beautiful and curly brown hair I would recognize everywhere. It was Bree. Without thinking I ran her direction, dodging the taken-by-surprise Alice.
Our arms were stretched towards each other. When we crashed the arms curved into a tight hug. Words can't describe how glad I was to see her alive. "Bree, you're not missing your head!" I joked. If I could cry, I would definitely be sobbing right now. Bree laughed silently letting go of me. "And you still have your arm," Bree laughed as I smiled. One of the Cullens walked up to us slowly, he was big and muscled and I could also say he looked like a somewhat famous wrestler. Bree immediately hid behind me gripping my jacket really hard.
The guy walked up really close to me and looked down at me with a dangerous frown. I kept my ground though. I wasn't going to be a chicken once again. Instead, I looked up at him. "You must be Opel. What makes you think you can change sides just like that?" the guy demanded with a cold voice.
"I'm willing to cooperate," I spat.
"Try harder," the guy said.
"Bite me."
"If you're asking it would be polite to listen to the lady? Well, which lady?"
"Say that again and it will be polite to kick your ass," I hissed. The guy rolled his eyes and looked back at his family. "Carlisle, she won't be any use to us. Let's get rid of them two before the Volturi come," he stated and walked away from us. What a jerk. From behind me, Bree pressed herself to my back in fear. "Emmett..." a brown hair girl mumbled. From her scent, I recognized she is human. She looked so angelic. She had beautiful brown eyes, just like milk chocolate. And a snowy white skin that was just begging to stare at.
Waking up once again, I rushed up to Emmett, I suppose that was his name. "Don't you dare touch Bree!" I snapped pulling him by his arm giant. He turned around and grabbed both my arms tightly, making me yelp. With a stone like voice that shook the ground he yelled, “What did you say?"
"Eh, you're kind of hurting me!"
"I'm not going to let go until you repeat what you said."
"Ugh, will you let go?Seriously!" I yelled. Emmett ignored me. Suddenly he collapsed on the ground letting me go. I looked down at him, confused and overjoyed, massaging my arms for comfort. Over him, opposite to me stood a guy with goldish-brown hair. He was muscled but not so much like Emmett and he had an annoyed expression on his face. I stared at him, he stared at Emmett and Emmett stared at me. It was like a staring competition. Looking at the vampire it begun harder and harder to take my eyes off him. He was hypnotizing me. His golden eyes were smiling to mine but his lips showed no emotion. I could have stared like this for the whole day if only I could.
But my hero was the one to pause. He smiled at me and jumped over Emmett. "Are you alright?" he asked. I nodded faintly. Bree ran up to me and again, grabbed my jacket shyly. As Emmett got up Jasper hissed at him and Emmett frowning walked off to the blond girl who was beside the human and kissing her forehead. "Heh..Okay.." Alice joined in. She walked up to the auric haired guy,"That was pretty weird. Anyway, Opel, this is Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Bella, Edward, Carlisle and Esme."
I nodded instead of speaking. Bella stepped forward to me. With a voice like soft velvet she mentioned to Jasper,"Is there anything we can do?" Her voice was so calming, “I don't want them two to die. Alice was right about them, they do seem thrust worthy.” Almost like a lullaby for my ears. She looked at me, then at Jasper. "Run with the before the Volturi get here," Jasper sighed.
“Please Jasper? Only this time?" Bella asked. Jasper stared at her in suprise. He probably took this as a joke I guess. Bella nodded with a smile and Jasper gestured for me to follow him. He sprinted north as me and Bree followed without a word. As we ran we had to dodge a set of thick trees and buildings. After a while I sped up to join Jasper up the front. I stared at him as we ran. He was so different from Justin. He had gold-like hair while Justin had pitch black hair.
I looked where we were running. It's so weird how I changed so fast from an ordinary girl with problems like boys,school and friendships to a bloodthirsty vampire you hear of in old fairy tales you're not supposed to tell children. My mom used to tell me how vampires do not exist and there is nothing to be scared of. Now I'm only scared of loosing my life. As I ran like this, thinking about the future, I felt Jasper's eyes on me the whole time. When we reached his house he opened the door for us as me and Bree slowly walked in.
"Okay, come with me," Jasper said as he led us up the stairs. The house was huge, unlike my other human house. It had graduation caps as a piece of art. Me and Bree pointed and giggled at the idea. Jasper turned around and chuckled at us. "Hey, ladies! Over here. " he laughed and pointed at a room. "Bree can stay here," Jasper pointed to a white room. Bree and I popped our head in and looked around the room."I will stay and have a look around if you don't mind," Bree whispered looking at Jasper, but talking to me. I smiled. Jasper shook his head. His locks went from side to side, up and down. It made me giggle to myself, as one of them went into his eye. Jasper then led me to another room, just beside Bree's room. It was identical to Bree's.
I stepped into it and looked at the open balcony. Outside were meadows, and heavy clouds. It was going to rain soon. I love the rain. I love to take walks in the rain, and let myself get drenched. Or go for a jog in the rain, for health. I suppose I'm an odd person, but I don't care. I walked up to the full shelves of books. Old and new ones. “That's actually my room.. If you don't mind? Bree is sharing it with Alice so we don't really have any spares,” I heard Jasper say. I nodded and looked at a small book on the ground. I bended and picked it up, reading the tittle at the same time.
I turned to Jasper and held it up, “Dracula?” Jasper smiled and walked up to me, so close he nearly knocked me down. “Original Want to read it?” he asked me. I smiled back at him and nodded eagerly. Then I looked again at another book. 'The Troll And The Princess'. Before I could speak Jasper whispered into my ear, “Shh, don't tell anyone!” When he moved away I looked at him to see a joking smile on his lips. I laughed looking away from him. He laughed too. When we calmed down I put 'Dracula' on the bed stood in the balcony.
So after all, I did save me and Bree. How lucky could I be. Well, now I have to learn to eat some animals instead of humans. That will be hard but.. I'm sure I could do something about it. All I know is that I will have to eat animals first, then try to resist blood. I looked down from the balcony, at the grass. If only my mom was here to see this. If only.
I miss my mom. She was the only one I could talk to and fully trust. I didn't have much friends actually. I remember Jenny She was such a good kid, she could tell whether I'm in a bad or good mood, she could cheer me up at any time. We were best friends till the very end as they say. Until her end came though. It was when I got changed, the night I got changed. I was so thirsty, my throat was burning so bad and I would do anything to get fed.
So I sprinted to her house. I saw her mother making a sandwich, singing some song from the 80's. I ignored her as I wanted fresh blood. Indeed, I was loosing my mind but I wasn't brainless. I walked up the stairs and opened the door to her room. She was watching 'Degrassi' on her new flat screen that she got two weeks before that. Her fake blonde hair was down, laired as usual and she was wearing light denim shorts and a white top. On her swinging from left to right feet were two spotty socks and her head was leaning on the palms of her tanned hands.
I walked closer to her and probably stumbled, I don't clearly remember but I made a noise and she noticed me. She walked up to me saying over and over, “Oh my god, you scared me so much! What are you doing here?” But I grabbed her head so fast she didn't have time to scream and twisted it. That was the end of her. I really miss her. I wish I was still human and I was able to get old, have kids, my own family. I suppose that if I didn't get changed I wouldn't have met Bree and Jasper. Jasper. My gosh, he is so... so.. indescribable. There is no words at all to describe him.
Suddenly a voice came behind me, “Are you okay?” I jumped and turned at the same time to see Bree standing in the doorway. I smiled, “I'm better than usual. You look bothered by something, everything all right?” Bree walked closer to me.
“I'm thirsty..” she whispered. I sighed.
“Follow me,” I said and led Bree down the stairs calling Jasper. He ran up to me and got straight once he saw me. “Jasper, do you mind if we get fed anywhere?” I whispered, to make sure other Cullens don't hear. Jasper nodded and we ran outside to drink animals blood for the first time.
And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby
Everytime-Britney Spears
  





User avatar
28 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2681
Reviews: 28
Sat Aug 28, 2010 4:07 pm
chetanbhasin says...



Hi! Sorry for being late in this review but I had to do a lot of work in no time. So let us begin with this. I'm not good at fan fiction and I don't think if I will be of much help to you but still I will try.

This chapter is quite long, hope you guys don't mind. I also hope it was better than the first chapter(where there were A LOT of errors!) Thanks for reading I looked up intensively. Another newborn thrown was into the air. He was missing a head like the last two.

Read the above sentence twice, can you differentiate between you narrating and the character of your story narrating. Well! I wasn't able to understand that in first time. Provide a sub heading before you continue with the real story or at least leave a line, that way reader will be able to understand where you start.

This chapter, compared from the first one was better but there is a lot of confusion in it. One thing that I noticed in the first as well as this chapter is that it is hard to understand who is narrating. I think it is Opel in the whole chapter who is narrating but you start her speech from nowhere, how would a reader understand which character is talking to them.

Though you have a good explanation and expressions for almost all the characters you missed it for the Opel, who I think is the main character. May be, because she is the only one narrating and it it hard to describe the narrating one in his or her's own words. But it would be better if you do something about it.

He was missing a head like the last two. I sat there a for few more minutes counting how many of us are killed.

It would seem better if you use 'for' in this line.

"Opel, I'm sorry but I can't hide you until the end of the world. Plus, my family would never forgive me if I did so. Go, run or something, before I change my mind.”

Have a look at second sentence, I don't think if it suits to the character of Cullen family. I would rather write it like, "Plus, my family is not going to rejoice it."


Summing up everything, this chapter is a little confusing. It will suite a lot better if take care of it next time.
There are some edits that you can make in different sentences. Read this story again and again and I think you will find a lot of things that will suite a lot better. I don't have much idea of fan fiction and I don't know it's rules but basically above are the things that may help you.
Good luck for the edits and the next chapter.

-Chetan
I would be glad if you review my work, How difficult life could be
  








cron
An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown