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Sunlight Part 1



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Mon Dec 13, 2010 6:04 am
crescent says...



There were three things I was certain of. One, Meghan was a vegetarian. Two, there was some part of her that wanted to take a bite out of me. And three, I was irrevocably in love with her.

It was a sunny day in Salad Plate Minnesota, when a new girl arrived. She wasn’t like
the rest of us. She reeked of blood and the sweet scent of CO2. The halls bustled with trepidation as we watched her curiously, hoping that she preferred carne. I wondered if she felt lightheaded with so much oxygen flowing around her. Some of the humans did. When the first bell rang, I found her in my first period class. She was kind of pretty for a human. With green highlights in her light blond hair she could almost pass for a plant. Her skin was a translucent color too that looked slightly green against the fluorescent lights of SPM High. I couldn’t help staring at this strange being with a sense of adoration. Then Mr. Greene asked her to introduce herself.
“Um, hi. My name is Meghan Vottler and I recently moved down to Salad Plate, Minnesota. I’m a vegetarian and I look forward to trying out fresh veggies from the farms.”
Mr. Greene glanced nervously at me. “Um, Meghan, that will be enough. Sit down please… IN the BACK of the class room.”
“Why does he hate me?” She whispered to me as she moved her things to the back of the room. Tears were falling from her eyes.
“I dunno,” I said. Probably because her kind was NOT welcome here.
The next few periods were a drag because Meghan was not there and the memory of the few words she had spoken to me reverberated inside my head. Lunch time seemed like an unattainable time, always just a few minutes out of reach. Finally it was here, and I jumped from my seat and hurried to the cafeteria ignoring Mrs. Blossom’s angry remarks.
I hide behind the door waiting for Meghan to come. Five minutes passed before she finally appeared. She was hanging out with the human crowd. The crowd that thought the rest of us was weird because we always wore black clothing to maximize energy absorption.
“Hey,” I called after her.
She turned around and looked at me, her colored eyes peering curiously at me. She looked confused for a moment before she said, “Oh yeah, William, from bio.”
I smiled at her. “Are you buying?”
“Yeah. This is Salad Plate High. There has to be awesome salad here, right?”
“Sure… if they sold any.”
“What do you mean they don’t sell salad?!?!” she said in a panicked voice.
I couldn’t tell her they only sold water and fertilizer. Humans couldn’t be trusted with our secret.
“They just don’t.”
“Are you picking on the new girl now? Like everyone else?” Blood flushed through her cheeks and I felt repulsed. Blood. Ewww…. That was so human. I couldn’t stand to see the blood and it would look weird if I closed my eyes so I kissed her.
I think she was in too much shock to push me away and I was okay with that, as long as I didn’t have to see her blood flushed cheeks. It reminded me how human she was and not as plant-y as she appeared to be.
Obscurely, she didn’t pull away and she tried to stick her tongue in my mouth. I pulled away then.
“Why’d you pull away? You taste sooo good,” she said. She tried to kiss me, and I pushed her away.
“Um, well this is awkward.”
“Do you want to catch a movie later, maybe?”
“No,” I said, “I don’t do movies. But we could take a walk in the woods. I have something to show you before you decide whether or not you want to go out.” Why was I telling her this stuff? Oh yeah, because I liked the panic that built up when you told other people things that you weren’t supposed to, I liked the feeling of screwing up a perfect life.
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(
  





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Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:00 pm
elephantwalrus says...



Hi there,
First off, this piece made me laugh. I don't know why, but I just thought it was so funny! So if that was your goal, good job! I loved how many parallels you used to the object of the satire. My main suggestion would be to make it longer; the whole thing goes by so fast right now that I had to reread it just to make sure that I got the sequence straight in my head. The characters move around a lot, so try to add more detail to each place they stop (the first classroom, the lunchroom, etc.). Make sure you explain each character, too. Who is Mrs. Blossom? Also, do more to define the difference between the human crowd and the other crowd. Make the differences between the two parties more obvious. My only other suggestion would be to add more to the dialogue at the end of this chapter; there isn't enough as is, which makes everything more awkward. This line especially seems a bit rushed:
“Are you picking on the new girl now? Like everyone else?”
Try leading up to that emotional point so that the reader can have more sympathy for the characters.

Thanks for sharing! PM me if you have any questions!
My main project until Script Frenzy is an experiment using blog posts between four characters as episodes of a common story. You can read this work as it progresses at http://knowallchronicles.blogspot.com/.
  








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