Young Writers Society

First off this good piece of work, though a bit short. So, this isn't going to be a really long review, because this is basically a paragraph.

Secondly, your grammar. The first thing that instantly popped out at me is the un-capitalized i's. Is this for style? Because when I picture someone going to Hogwarts they wouldn't, not capitalize there eyes. Un-capitalized i's mostly came from "text talk" unless I am mistaken and Harry Potter was set before all that. Plus, if you ever want to publish this anywhere they aren't going to let you do it like this, and getting into the habit of not capitalizing your i's is bad because even if you don't plan on doing anything with this you will get into the habit. O.K. O.K. I am done with my little rant now.

The whole message I am getting from this reads, I am really mad, but mostly sad because my sister blew up on me. It isn't the most interesting, I do realize that she is very mad and sad, but I don't really know any of her thoughts. What exactly is she thinking, I don't even have an insight into what she is worried about. If my sister did this to me I would be like repeating the scene over and over in my head. Thinking of all the different possibilities of how things might play out and other things like that. Do you get what I mean, I want something more, she can't only feel anger and grief. I want the details.

Third, I didn't really feel anything as I read. You told me what happened and how she is feeling, but I don't feel anything myself. I don't really know how you can fix this so I guess it is just a comment.

I guess overall I just want more depth to this piece.

Just a note:

Charlii101 wrote:[iPetunia hates me she spate in my face and then i was forced onto the train, I’m still crying now she hates me.[/i]

If I am correct spate means a burst of anger. Do you mean spat? As in saliva or spit?

Hope I helped,

A. S.

Again, I absolutely love the idea. I just wish the entries were longer and a little more clear, even if the grammar is for style. You could do so much with this idea! Try to make it as detailed as possible. You can still keep the essence of a little girl, but use the correct grammar and having more insight and depth to the story. Best luck in future writing!

I love these diary entries! You are most definately a fan! (Like me!!) And I am loving it because it gives us a better idea on the pre-Harry Potter Lily from your point of view.