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Big Drama, Big Heart: Chapter One



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Wed Dec 22, 2010 12:34 am
wickedlylyrcal says...



Chapter One: The Meeting

“Katelyn will you calm down? You're acting like you're meeting them for the first time,” Renae' told me in the car on the way to the video shoot. I was sitting passenger and I couldn't help but be nervous. Sure I wasn't meeting the guys for the first time, this was the second. The first time was a mere accident. I bumped into Brayden as I was moving boxes into my new apartment. He wasn't exactly the friendliest person in the world. So that didn't even count. Now I was meeting everyone and nervousness came naturally when I was around guys.

“You know I can't help it Nae'. What if they don't like me?”

“Who's dumb enough to not like you? Look if I like you they'll like you. Simple as that.” She slapped my hands to get me from picking at my finger, “And stop that. You don't want a Vic spazz attack do you?”

I shook my head remembering when we met Vic Mignona. I couldn't speak, breathe, or even look at him. On top of all that I was crying my eyes out. It was the happiest yet most embarrassing moment of my twenty one years of living.

“Alright then just be cool. Besides you're with me. None of them are dumb enough to mess with my friends unless I give the okay.”

I nodded again. Hopefully she was right.

We pulled up to the warehouse where the video was going on and everything was in full swing. Renae' didn't let me wander off to look around. If I was going to hang out at the shoot she was definitely going to give me something to do. She told me to hold hold out my arms and gave me two stacks of clothes that felt like they weighed at least fifty pounds.

“Dear lord Renae', tell me all these clothes aren't for them.” I said trying not to let my arms fall.

“Nope, those are Brayden's outfits.”

“All of them?! What the hell? He's got like thirty outfits for two days!”

“Hey don't blame me. Take those to the dressing room and hurry. We got a whole lot more to take care of.”

I let out a sigh before going to heading to the dressing room. Trying to hold the weight up and trying not to bump into people was a definite challenge. I can't believe Renae' could do all this by herself. Then again Renae' was like Wonder Woman reincarnated so it was possible for her.

We did a train line of getting the guys clothes from the car to the dressing room. My arms were sore by the time we were done. Now all of the clothes were hung on the rack and sorted out by name. Renae' was making finishing touches on the outfits while I was laying on the leather couch playing with my laptop.

“When are the guys going to get here?”

“Brayden just text me. They'll be here in five minutes.”

“Oh Brayden text you?” I teased making kissy faces at her. I knew Renae' liked Brayden, it was pretty obvious since Renae' always talked about him, even though all she did was complain about him. They were still in the denial stage.

“Oh shut up. I'm gonna do the same thing to you and Mark you just watch.”

“Yeah right. He probably has a girlfriend by now. No one that cute stays single for as long as he has.” My fantasies of being with Mark had died a long time ago. By the time I sold my first book I was more focused on my writing than having a relationship.

“Whatever. You just wait.” I replied with a scoff as I curled up on the couch and pulled up iTunes. As if on cue the guys walked in like they had just woken up. They probably had.

Renae' greeted them all and then introduce me. “Guys this my friend Katelyn, she was nice enough to come and help me out today.”

“Oh you mean the one you've been talking about?” Micheal asked.

“Yup that's her.”

I waved giving them a smile. “Hola. We live in the same building.”

“Oh yeah! You're the girl that bumped into me on purpose right?” Of course Brayden had to bring that up.

“It was not on purpose. I had two boxes in my hands and I couldn't see over the top,” I argued.

“If you weren't so short that wouldn't be a problem.”

“It's not my fault you're a mammoth compared to me. You're like what? 6'1”? You could've helped me.”

“I could've. But I didn't want to.”

I turned to Renae' with a glare and she replied, “I know girl. Just ignore him. He's like that all the time.”

“I am not. I'm the sweetest guy ever.” He replied giving Renae' a puppy dog face.

“Don't give me that crap. Get your ass over here and get dressed.” Brayden followed her so she could give him is outfit and he went into a different room to get dressed.

“So how long have you been in California?” Austin asked.

“A couple months and it's a definite culture shock but I like it,” I said pulling out my peach yogurt from my pocket. Josh Looked at me with big eyes as if I just pulled out the holy grail.

“Where'd you get that?”

“My refrigerator,” I said slowly, scooting away from him. He looked like he might attack me from my yogurt.

Micheal laughed. “Don't worry. He likes peach yogurt too.”

“Okay guys enough with the pleasantries. You guys gotta get dressed. The director's getting pissy 'cause you guys aren't out there yet.” Renae' ushered them out to the other room with their first outfits and soon I was left alone in the room. Finally a chance to get some sleep. I didn't sleep well in my new apartment. I needed time to get use to it. I pulled up the hood of my hoodie, blasted my iPod, and let my body sucome to the sleep I desperately needed.

I had fallen into a deep sleep for a good couple of hours. It felt so good to finally fall asleep and before I knew it my perfect sleep was over. I felt something heavy land on me with a thud. I woke up groaning in pain.

“Wake up lazy!” I heard Brayden yell in my ear.

“God! That hurt you asshole!” I yelled back, kicking him onto the floor.

“I told you she doesn't like being woken up like that,” Renae' said, walking in with everyone else.


I stretched and pushed myself up even though I wanted to stay in the comfortable position I was in. I looked at Brayden who was curled up on the floor. I apparently had hurt a vital part in his manhood which made us even. I smirked before I looked over at Renae'.

“Shoot’s over?”

“For today. Now we have to get the clothes back in the car.” I grimaced as I looked over at the rack over clothes that she was probably going to make me carry.

“Do we have to? Can’t we come back for them or something?”

 She gave me her typical are-you-stupid face before handing me a stack of clothes. I was about to get up and walk toward the car before Mark took the clothes out of my hands. “Don’t worry we’ll help,” he said before winking at me.
 
I smiled at him and turned to Renae'. “They’re better friends than you are.”

“Sure you say that now but you’ll be nice when I whip out an Asian pear.” And she was right. Only she knew where to get Asian pears and I loved those things as much as I loved peach yogurt. Without anymore argument I went and got some more clothes and headed out to the car.

I walked out with Austin and Josh. It seemed like even though we only met each other we were talking like best friends who haven't seen each other in a long time. I had a feeling I was going to be closer with them then anyone else in the group. Once all of the clothes were put into the trunk and goodbyes were said Renae' drove off to our apartment building.

“See. It wasn't as bad as you thought it was, was it?”

“Nope. It was even better than expected.”
~
Later that night, alone it in my creepy apartment. I had fallen into another one of my crazy nightmares. Everything was dark and I was the only person in whatever this place was. I thought I was the only person until I heard Renae' and Brittany calling my name. I turned around and they were a so far away I couldn't see them. I tried walking toward them but when I tried to moved it felt like my feet were glued to the floor.

I tried pulling my feet but it was no use. It was like someone had glued my feet to the floor.

“You can't move forward until you choose.” I heard a familiar voice say. I looked to my right and I saw a very worried looking Mark.

“What do you mean 'until I choose'?” I asked.

“You have to choose,” a second voice chimed in. I looked to my left and a very cocky looking Darren had popped in. Darren? What the hell was he doing here? I haven't had a dream about him since I was nineteen. And what did he mean by I have to choose? Between him or Mark? How could I choose between a guy I had just met and a guy I haven't even meant yet? In the distance I could hear Renae' and Brittany yelling, telling me to choose Mark instead of Darren. They always tried to keep me focused on Mark but I had too much going on to keep my focus on one person. Besides I think I'm old enough to have a say in who I want to be with. I wasn't choosing. It made no sense to choose between a guy I met one day ago and someone I've only seen on the television.

“Choose,” Mark whispered.

I looked over at him and he had the most pained expression on his face. It was almost like he knew I wasn't going to choose him. If I was nineteen I would've chosen him in a heartbeat but I'm not nineteen anymore. I'm twenty one.

“I'm sorry. I can't choose.” Immediately after I said that the ground gave out from underneath me and I was free falling. I reached out my hands to grab something but there was nothing but blackness. It seemed like I was falling forever until I woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat, panting. I pushed myself up and looked at the clock on my nightstand. It was three o'clock in the morning. No one was going to be up and I needed someone to talk to about this. I decided to leave the nightmare alone until I knew that Renae' was awake. I fell back into my pillows knowing I wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. I turned on the radio on my nightstand clock and Darren's song Give Me Permission was playing. I groaned turning off the radio. The last thing I wanted to hear right now was Darren's voice over the radio. I hated my new apartment now. All it ever gave me were nightmares.
Announcer: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Audience member slaps announcer: Dude stop yelling in my ear?!
Announcer stares in shock: Cool it man, just doing my job
  





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Wed Dec 22, 2010 3:51 am
SporkPunk says...



Hey there!(: I'm SporkPunk, and I'll be reviewing this today. I'm going to go through your piece fairly thoroughly. Red is technical mistakes, green is for word choice, and purple is my commentary. Right then. On to the review.

“Katelyn, will you calm down? You're acting like you're meeting them for the first time,” Renae' told me in the car on the way to the video shoot. I was sitting passenger and I couldn't help but be nervous. Sure, I wasn't meeting the guys for the first time, this was the second. The first time was a mere accident. I bumped into Brayden as I was moving boxes into my new apartment. He wasn't exactly the friendliest person in the world. So that didn't even count. Now I was meeting everyone and nervousness came naturally when I was around guys.

“You know I can't help it Nae'. What if they don't like me?”

“Who's dumb enough to not like you? Look, if I like you they'll like you. Simple as that.” She slapped my hands to get me from picking at my finger, “And stop that. You don't want a Vic spazz attack, do you?”

I shook my head, remembering when we met Vic Mignona. I couldn't speak, breathe, or even look at him. On top of all that, I was crying my eyes out. It was the happiest, yet most embarrassing, moment of my twenty one years of living.

“Alright then, just be cool. Besides, you're with me. None of them are dumb enough to mess with my friends unless I give the okay.”

I nodded again. Hopefully, she was right.

We pulled up to the warehouse where the video was going on and everything was in full swing. Renae' didn't let me wander off to look around. If I was going to hang out at the shoot, she was definitely going to give me something to do. She told me to hold hold out my arms and gave me two stacks of clothes that felt like they weighed at least fifty pounds.

“Dear lord Renae', tell me all these clothes aren't for them.” I said, trying not to let my arms fall.

“Nope, those are Brayden's outfits.”

“All of them?! What the hell? He's got like thirty outfits for two days!”

“Hey, don't blame me. Take those to the dressing room and hurry. We got a whole lot more to take care of.”

I let out a sigh before going to heading to the dressing room. Trying to hold the weight up and trying not to bump into people was a definite challenge. I can't believe Renae' could do all this by herself. Then again, Renae' was like Wonder Woman reincarnated, so it was possible for her.

We did a train line of getting the guys' clothes from the car to the dressing room. My arms were sore by the time we were done. Now all of the clothes were hung on the rack and sorted out by name. Renae' was making finishing touches on the outfits while I was laying on the leather couch playing with my laptop.

“When are the guys going to get here?”

“Brayden just text messaged me. They'll be here in five minutes.”

“Oh Brayden text messaged you?” I teased, making kissy faces at her. I knew Renae' liked Brayden, You have a comma splice here. You need to switch the comma to a semi-colon or a period ion order to not make this a run-on comma splice. it was pretty obvious since Renae' always talked about him, even though all she did was complain about him. The repetition of "about him" is redundant. They were still in the denial stage.

“Oh, shut up. I'm gonna do the same thing to you and Mark. You just watch.” This was also a run-on, and what I just did is one way to fix it.

“Yeah, right. He probably has a girlfriend by now. No one that cute stays single for as long as he has.” My fantasies of being with Mark had died a long time ago. By the time I sold my first book I was more focused on my writing than having a relationship.

“Whatever. You just wait.” I replied Your character just replied to herself? with a scoff as I curled up on the couch and pulled up iTunes. As if on cue, the guys walked in like they had just woken up. They probably had.

Renae' greeted them all and then introduced me. “Guys, this my friend Katelyn, she was nice enough to come and help me out today.”

I think maybe you should introduce the boys' names before you arbitrarily begin using them, because you might throw off the reader if you just jump into name usage. They have no clue who Michael or Austin are.

“Oh, you mean the one you've been talking about?” Micheal asked.

“Yup, that's her.”

I waved, giving them a smile. “Hola. We live in the same building.”

“Oh, yeah! You're the girl that bumped into me on purpose, right?” Of course Brayden had to bring that up.

“It was not on purpose. I had two boxes in my hands and I couldn't see over the top,” I argued.

“If you weren't so short, that wouldn't be a problem.”

“It's not my fault you're a mammoth compared to me. You're like, what? 6'1”? You could've helped me.”

“I could've. But I didn't want to.”

I turned to Renae' with a glare and she replied, “I know, girl. Just ignore him. He's like that all the time.”

“I am not. I'm the sweetest guy ever.” He replied giving Renae' a puppy dog face.

“Don't give me that crap. Get your ass over here and get dressed.” Brayden followed her so she could give him is outfit and he went into a different room to get dressed.

“So, how long have you been in California?” Austin asked.

“A couple months and it's a definite culture shock, but I like it,” I said pulling out my peach yogurt from my pocket. Josh looked at me with big eyes as if I just pulled out the Holy Grail.

“Where'd you get that?”

“My refrigerator,” I said slowly, scooting away from him. He looked like he might attack me for my yogurt.

Micheal laughed. “Don't worry. He likes peach yogurt too.”

“Okay guys, enough with the pleasantries. You guys gotta get dressed. The director's getting pissy 'cause you guys aren't out there yet.” Renae' ushered them out to the other room with their first outfits and soon I was left alone in the room. Finally a chance to get some sleep. I didn't sleep well in my new apartment. I needed time to get used to it. I pulled up the hood of my hoodie, blasted my iPod, and let my body succumb to the sleep I desperately needed.

I had fallen into a deep sleep for a good couple of hours. It felt so good to finally fall asleep and before I knew it my perfect sleep was over. I felt something heavy land on me with a thud. I woke up groaning in pain.

“Wake up, lazy!” I heard Brayden yell in my ear.

“God! That hurt, you asshole!” I yelled back, kicking him onto the floor.

“I told you she doesn't like being woken up like that,” Renae' said, walking in with everyone else.


I stretched and pushed myself up even though I wanted to stay in the comfortable position I was in. I looked at Brayden who was curled up on the floor. I apparently had hurt a vital part in his manhood, which made us even. I smirked before I looked over at Renae'.

“Shoot’s over?”

“For today. Now we have to get the clothes back in the car.” I grimaced as I looked over at the rack over clothes that she was probably going to make me carry.

“Do we have to? Can’t we come back for them or something?”

She gave me her typical are-you-stupid face before handing me a stack of clothes. I was about to get up and walk toward the car before Mark took the clothes out of my hands. “Don’t worry, we’ll help,” he said before winking at me.

I smiled at him and turned to Renae'. “They’re better friends than you are.”

“Sure you say that now but you’ll be nice when I whip out an Asian pear.” And she was right. Only she knew where to get Asian pears and I loved those things as much as I loved peach yogurt. Without anymore argument I went and got some more clothes and headed out to the car.

I walked out with Austin and Josh. It seemed like even though we only met each other we were talking like best friends who haven't seen each other in a long time. I had a feeling I was going to be closer with them then anyone else in the group. Once all of the clothes were put into the trunk and goodbyes were said Renae' drove off to our apartment building.

“See. It wasn't as bad as you thought it was, was it?”

“Nope. It was even better than expected.”
~
Later that night, alone it it? Why it? I think this is a typo. in my creepy apartment. I had fallen into another one of my crazy nightmares. Everything was dark and I was the only person in whatever this place was. I thought I was the only person until I heard Renae' and Brittany calling my name. I turned around and they were a so far away I couldn't see them. I tried walking toward them but when I tried to moved it felt like my feet were glued to the floor.

I tried pulling my feet but it was no use. It was like someone had glued my feet to the floor.

“You can't move forward until you choose.” I heard a familiar voice say. I looked to my right and I saw a very worried looking Mark.

“What do you mean 'until I choose'?” I asked.

“You have to choose,” a second voice chimed in. I looked to my left and a very cocky looking Darren had popped in. Darren? What the hell was he doing here? I haven't had a dream about him since I was nineteen. And what did he mean by I have to choose? Between him or Mark? How could I choose between a guy I had just met and a guy I haven't even meant yet? Are these direct thoughts? If so, italicize them. If not, make it clear that this is your MC reflecting while she tells the story. In the distance I could hear Renae' and Brittany yelling, telling me to choose Mark instead of Darren. They always tried to keep me focused on Mark but I had too much going on to keep my focus on one person. Besides I think I'm old enough to have a say in who I want to be with. I wasn't choosing. It made no sense to choose between a guy I met one day ago and someone I've only seen on the television.

“Choose,” Mark whispered.

I looked over at him and he had the most pained expression on his face. It was almost like he knew I wasn't going to choose him. If I was nineteen I would've chosen him in a heartbeat but I'm not nineteen anymore. I'm twenty one.

“I'm sorry. I can't choose.” Immediately after I said that, the ground gave out from underneath me and I was free falling. I reached out my hands to grab something, but there was nothing but blackness. It seemed like I was falling forever until I woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat, panting. I pushed myself up and looked at the clock on my nightstand. It was three o'clock in the morning. No one was going to be up and I needed someone to talk to about this. I decided to leave the nightmare alone until I knew that Renae' was awake. I fell back into my pillows, knowing I wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. I turned on the radio on my nightstand clock and Darren's song Give Me Permission was playing. I groaned, turning off the radio. The last thing I wanted to hear right now was Darren's voice over the radio. I hated my new apartment now. All it ever gave me were nightmares.


Technical Stuff
Your grammar was okay. I've certainly seen worse, but this wasn't great. Your biggest problem seems to be commas and how to use them. This site could be of some assistance.
Other than that, it wasn't that bad.

Story
You're simply telling. That is a huge problem. When you write a story, you don't just want to tell people what happened. That makes for a boring piece, which makes for unhappy readers, if you retain any. You don't simply want to tell the reader the MC was nervous, you want to show the reader.
Here's an example of what I mean:
"I was so nervous." ---This is telling.


"My palms grew damp. I kept trying to wipe them on the back of my pant legs, but my hands shook fiercely. I took a deep breath and stepped out onto the stage, doing my best to hide the pained expression on my face." --- This is showing.

You want the second. They both convey the same meaning, but the latter entertains and helps the reader visualize exactly what was going on.

Other than that, this isn't bad. Keep on Writing!

Spork(:
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio