z

Young Writers Society


Snowing



User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 2
Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:16 pm
gnomeethegnome says...



Summary: Eve follows the Twilight books as much the rest of us. But when a family moves to her little Yorkshire town, she grown increasingly suspicious about who they really are...

-Prologue.
I never thought something as surreal and dramatic as this could happen to me.
There’s so much blood. It’s dripping from my head, and spreading through the crystal white snow, poisoning the purity of it and making me feel less and less connected to this ravaged body.
What everyone says is right: your life does flash before your eyes when you’re dieing. But it’s not flashing this time. It’s going slow for me, year by year, as my life ebbs away like the tides of the sea. It’s nearly here now. Death. So near, I can feel its cold fingers closing in on my soul. I close my eyes and watch my life one more time as I wait for the oblivion of eternal sleep to take me from this world…

-Chapter One.
“C’mon Eve! I’m not going to ask you again!”
Urgh. Would missing one day of school decimate my education, when I am one of the top learners in my year and beyond? No. Well, I suppose I want to see my friends. They make me feel normal. That’s the highlight of school for everyone really. I say I’m one of the top learners, but I still can’t stand maths; I think I have a mental block on the subject because it’s so boring. That is the only lesson that I can’t let my imagination flow because there’s strict rules on what can be done and what can’t.

Anyway no time to dwell on that, I need to get up out of my nice warm bed into my slightly cold bedroom, to get dressed and ready in the space of ten minutes, skip downstairs and out of the door before my mum has to call me a sixth time. It’s like this every morning-I never learn to stop reading at 11 and get some sleep at night, I have to just read two more chapters and then fall asleep with the book resting on my face or by the side of me. Because that is my main purpose in life now: to read until I have finished this super-awesome series called ‘Twilight’ by Stephanie Meyer. It’s so addictive, I’m halfway through the third book but I’ve already bought the fourth so I can move straight onto it. It’s crazy and geeky right? Admitting that your life is ran by a series of books, but they really are the best.

I leave my book open on my bed, (I used to take it to school but after a near miss with a can of Coke, I keep it safe at home) grab my bag and rush downstairs straight out of the door and plonk myself down in the passenger seat of the car.

“Eve? You look tired… Have you been reading that book too much? I swear I’ll confiscate it!”

“Mum!” I try to sound appalled, “I don’t read them that much! I actually feel a little bit sick, but I’m okay I think…”

“Oh, okay sweetie, phone me if it gets any worse…” My mum looks slightly concerned, but she’s already switching her mind to work mode now, I can almost see her brain booting itself up for a hectic day at the office. I don’t know how she does it most days; it’d drive me mad spending an hour there. But, it serves its purpose as a job, so that’s okay I suppose.

I slouch down the corridor to the area just outside the Science block where my classmates always meet before registration. Sophie smiles knowingly at me as I walk towards her and some other girls, I’m yawning my head off and I bet I look tired.

“Morning sleepy,” she says brightly, smiling her head off.

“Hi. What’s up with you today?” She’s bubbly but not this much normally, I wonder if it’s anything to do with…

“You never guess what Will said to me the other day! It was the cutest thing ever!” Oh boy, more gushing about this so-called dream boat. Well, I’ll think about Edward and Bella and try to believe in love for the next 7 minutes.

“Aww, what did he say?” I try and say it as brightly as I can, but it really is hard sometimes to believe that this time is different for my unlucky-in-love friend. So many times she’s been crushed- I don’t know how she can even be bothered to find a new boy to tell her lie after lie and then dump her when it doesn’t suit him to have a girlfriend anymore. I’m thinking all this while she’s going on about all these things that he said last night, promising that he would stay with her forever and they would get married and all this crap. I was thinking: yeah, wait until next week when he ditches you for Stacey. She’s been sniffing around him the last two days, he’ll be dumping you and begging to go out with her by the end of the week. Mark my words.

The day passes slowly, Art, Maths, and first break, Geography… Dinner now, I quite enjoy dinner, and not just because of the food. I like the second break, when everyone is outside and buzzing with energy because for most pupils, dinner is their first meal of the day. All my friends, (well, the people I talk to and hang around with at school) were buzzing with excitement. More than usual. This must mean something has changed in the school and it’s a good thing. Probably a new hot male teacher or something ridiculous, teen girls all go mad for that sort of thing; especially in year nine.

“Hey Mia, what’s up?” I ask her because she’s relaying the news to everyone else, so she must have been at the scene when the potentially exciting thing happened.

“Oh my god Eve, you’ll never believe it! I mean, I’ve seen fit, Nick is fit, David is fit. But oh my god, he’s just… And if I didn’t know for a fact that those two were his sisters I might’ve actually cried ‘cos they’d be mega-massive competition-”

“Okay Mia. Who the hell are we talking about here?” Patience, patience, patience…

“Have you not seen them?” The look on my face answered the question she asked, so she took a deep breath and told me the well-rehearsed story. “Well, last period, we were all settling down when Mr. Brown came into our class. He said that there was going to be three new pupils coming into our school and that we were to uphold the school’s honour blah, blah, blah by being really nice to them. I thought, well I’ll only be nice if it’s three hot lads,” typical Mia, I apologise for her small-mindedness. “So, he opened the door, and, I can’t describe it. They sort of floated in, the three of them. There were two girls, one with long brown hair down to her waist but in real good condition, one with a cute pixie crop of white-blonde hair. Both were super ultra pale, not a touch of sun on them and they had bright golden eyes.” Mia was going all ‘glowy’ over… Two girls? Man, they must be pretty. But here it comes, she’s about to tell all about this boy that’s causing so much of a flutter.

“And then the boy ‘floated’ in about 2 seconds after. Ooh Eve you’ve never, ever seen anything like him. He was super pale as well, just like the girls, he had golden blonde hair, not as light as his sister’s. Sort of a more normal blonde colour… But it was glimmering and shining like honey it was so… Gorgeous! He had darker eyes than the girls, they were fudge coloured rather than gold, and my-oh-my his body,” she trailed off, biting her lip and probably day dreaming about doing very bad things to that body.

I felt sorry for the boy now: he had at least 10 stalkers after only 2 hours at this school. I wonder where he could be though? And why wasn’t Mia leading the way for all the girls to try their luck with him and suss him as a potential, err, ‘mating partner’. Yes, we’re year nine and 14 but you wouldn’t believe the amount of stuff that goes on at this age, it’s a wonder half the girls can even look so innocent after all the things they have done with their ex- and current ‘committed boyfriends’.

“Hey Eve, where is this boy then?” So what? I’m curious!

“He’s disappeared up to the head of year’s to finalise his move here with his sisters.” She seemed almost comically glum at this. I wanted to ask what she was thinking anyway, she’s been going out with Peter since forever, year 5 I think, but I didn’t feel like getting any details on their love life, and why she would never dump him and was just kidding about this new boy’s potential. Hang on a minute, I can’t keep calling him ‘the new boy’ I needed to know his name really, and I suppose his sisters’ as well, if I was going to talk to them in the future. Which was inevitable seeing as though I’m a social counsellor and will be asked to ‘keep an eye on them’ and make sure they settle in well.

“Mia, what are their names?” Her face went mushy again before she said in a dreamy voice, “Hayden. It’s a gorgeous name isn’t it? Makes you think of an angel…” I’ve got to admit, it is a really nice name, makes me feel like I’ve just drank some nice warm coffee when I think of it. But, people hardly ever live up to their names these days.

“And the girls? What’re their names?” Her face snapped out of its dreamy state when she answered matter-of-factly,

“The blonde is Felicity, the brunette goes by Georgiana. Strange, sort of old fashioned names aren’t they?”

“Hmmm.” That’s weird because those are the exact names I was planning to call my children. It shook me a little bit because I couldn’t think of a name if I had a boy, and Hayden seemed so damn perfect now. Well, I really would have to meet these strange and mysterious individuals; to see if they lived up to the names they had been given.
I could not live without knowing pen and paper is always at hand, for those ideas that hit you like a bus.
  





User avatar
1176 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:28 am
Twit says...



Hi!

I have to admit, I am not the best person to review something like this. I loathe Twilight with every part of my soul. I daydream about meeting Stephenie Meyer in the street so I can tell her how badly she has ruined vampires for the current and all future generations. I watch Being Human and read Dracula with a kind of juicy satisfaction that no one's sparkly or confusingly capable of not performing any human functions except producing freaky offspring. I frequently explain to myself just why I hate the franchise so much, even though I know exactly why; it just pleases me to reiterate my points to myself.

... It's reaching a scary level, really.

ANYWAY, that said, I'm going to ignore the vampire element here and focus on the writing. It will be good for my bitter, blackened, Robert Pattinson-hating heart.

Seriously, I don't mean to give offence in any way, and you can ignore all the above, and the below if you wish. :)

Your writing style was good; I liked it and you added in a lot of detail, which was good. The flow and pace was well-handled as well; you didn't dawdle when you should have trotted, which always enhances a piece of writing. :) I'm always curious about other people's impressions of school, and I'm glad that there wasn't a fire-breathing gym teacher because those are so overdone. ^_^ I got quite a strong sense of character here (so you're immediately a better writer than Stephenie Meyer, lol), and Eve seems quite peppery and able to stand up for herself, which I quite like. Nice change from Bella-the-doormat.

The beginning is very like Twilight, though. Girl who's a bit of a loner, doesn't think that much of boys, meets a bunch of pretty people at school and in particular one 'specially hot dude who she immediately gets a connection to. And they all have "old fashioned" names. I guess their names were meant to be "old fashioned" in Twilight, but they're really not. At least you have "Georgiana" as a name, which is kind of old -- like Mr Darcy's sister in Pride and Prejudice. :) That might be something to consider changing though. I mean, there've been plenty of Joes and Bobs and Peters throughout history; they weren't all Marmadukes and Augustuses and Montmorencies. The one thing Charlaine Harris did well was calling her vampire Bill.

Still, even though it did have very strong Twilight traits, you added enough in so it's not a clone -- like Eve not being a wet flannel, the names being better and the writing not being a exercise in purple prose -- which all made it much better than Twilight.

PM me if you have any questions, and please don't be offended by anything I've said against the sparkling world of Smear (her name takes far too long to spell); if you don't agree with anything I've said, then just ignore it. :)

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  








I just write poetry to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway.
— Vogon Captain (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)