Young Writers Society

Timeline:The scene starts seven years from the defeat of Omega Shenron. Goku has left with Shenron and the present incharge of the Z family is Vegeta.


Six o’clock in the morning and the world is already astir. The warm glow of the sun illuminates a hut in the midst of the forest.The way the sunlight hits the mountains as if to make them look made out of gold; and the outline of the magnificent clouds. The autumn trees of all sorts and colors crouched at the sides. The leaves have not abandoned the trees yet, although the vibrancy of its contours faded slightly, especially the ginkgo trees – a dull yellow. Faint smoke emerging from the chimney of the semicircular shaped hut.



"Where have you gone Goku, without telling? I have been waiting for you ever since. We miss you.”, Chichi said in a sad tone while doing the dishes.

Gohan is seen doing some calculations and Goten on phone.

“Yeah baby, meet you near the coffee shop,” hangs up, ”Yeah I got another date”, said Goten.

Pan runs towards her mom and tells, “There has been no trouble to us since many years mom, we are really happy; I only wish grandpa was with us.”

“That’s true pan, we are living a peaceful life now”, said Videl.


“Obviously!! When I am in charge!!”
Voice came from inside. There came Vegeta sporting a spiky hair and a goatee, still experimenting with his style.

"Yeah, you heard it right! When I am in charge, nobody dares to come in front of me.”

Bulla wearing a red outfit, carrying a mirror, ”Yeah everybody is afraid of seeing you in your horrible hairstyle and that idiotic goatee, you need a fashion update dad”

Bulma giggles.

“Shut up!! Don’t you have shopping or something? Don’t disturb me, I gotta do exercise,” Vegeta slammed the door heading towards the gravity chamber.

“That’s typical Vegeta”, Bulma whispers.

“Doesn't he have any manners?” says Pan.

"Now now girl. Don’t speak about Vegeta like that." says Videl.

From the corner of the window a mysterious pocket sized nanobot watches over all that’s happening. Another machine stealthily follows Vegeta.

Could this be trouble?? Could the peace stay for long?? What are these mysterious nanobots??

It seems a bit like your writing it for a very young audience. Instead of just saying 'one fine morning', you could say something like: 'nine am and the sun is rising above the frosty fields.....' you get the idea. Makingt it longer will help alot more too. Also, you don't need two question marks. We get the idea it's a question, there only needs to be one.

One fine morning, change it like I said

"Where have you gone without being told, Goku? I have been waiting for a long time," Chichi said groaning/moaning/ranting/snivelling while doing the dishes.

Gohan is seen doing some calculations and Goten on phone.

“Yeah baby, meet you near the coffee shop," hangs up, ”Yeah I got another date,” said Goten.

Pan runs towards her mom and tells, “There has been no trouble to us since many years mom, we are really happy; I only wish grandpa was with us.”

“That’s true pan, we are living a peaceful life now”, said Videl.


“Obviously!! When I am in charge!!”
Voice came from inside. There came Vegeta sporting a spiky hair and a goatee, still experimenting with his style.

"Yeah, you heard it right! When I am in charge, nobody dares to come in front of me.”

Bulla wearing a red outfit, carrying a mirror, ”Yeah everybody is afraid of seeing you in your horrible hairstyle and that idiotic goatee, you need a fashion update dad”

Bulma giggles.

“Shut up!! Don’t you have shopping or something? Don’t disturb me, I gotta do exercise,” Vegeta slammed the door heading towards the gravity chamber.

“That’s typical Vegeta”, Bulma whispers.

“Doesn't he have any manners?” says Pan.

"Now now girl. Don’t speak about Vegeta like that." says Videl.

From the corner of the window a mysterious pocket sized nanobot watches over all that’s happening. Another machine stealthily follows Vegeta.

Could this be trouble? Could the peace stay for long? What are these mysterious nanobots?

- bugbug368

Wow! Great improvement! I love how you describe the sun illuminating the forest and stuff. Well done, great work and I enjoyed it so much better!

- bugbug368

okay looks like Bugbug got most of it. But I noticed you changed tenses a lot. it was a little confusing. You said "He hangs up" and then "he said". pick one or the other and stick with it.

Hello!
I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
I'll stick to structure and detail, because I can't see any grammar errors with my grammar-error-sensing-lazer-vison eyes...
So... yeah....( I'll ry not to be harsh, because I like you.)

Timeline:The scene starts seven years from the defeat of Omega Shenron. Goku has left with Shenron and the present incharge of the Z family is Vegeta.

STOOOOOOOOOOOPpp!!!!!

Where's the prologue? I mean- it's not always necessary to have one in a novel, but if yo plan on starting out your 1st chapter with a locational reference, give us some background, okay?
Without it, we can't always understand what is going on.. and it is up to the rest of the chapter to fill us in...and this looks very short.

Six o’clock in the morning and the world is already astir. The warm glow of the sun illuminates a hut in the midst of the forest.The way The sunlight hitshit the mountains *as if to make them look made out of gold; and the outline of the magnificent clouds. The autumn trees of all sorts and colors *crouched at the sides. The leaves have had not (yet)*abandoned the trees yet, although the vibrancy of its contours faded slightly, especially the Ginkgo trees – a dull yellow. Faint smoke emergingemerged from the chimney of the semicircular shaped hut.

*This is all in past tense, let's try to make it consistent throughout the story, here.

"Where have you gone Goku, without telling? I have been waiting for you ever since. We miss you.”, Chichi said in a sad tone while doing the dishes.

Gohan is seen was doing some calculations and Goten on (his?) phone.

Try to add some detail/back ground on the relationships between the characters, the setting, the overall modd, and the time of day. You did this for the outside, now just do it for the interior settings, too.

“Yeah baby,I'll meet you near the coffee shop,” hangs uphe said, hanging up, ”Yeah I got another date.”, said Goten.

Pan runsran towards her mom and tells, “There has been no trouble to us since many years mom, we are really happy; I only wish grandpa was with us.”

* Remember that your characters are human beings, too. I've have yet to meet a person who casually talks like this. Make 'em seem more social.. more "normal", if possible.

I won't go on to review the rest of it, because it will mainly be repetitions and I am currently pressed for time. ..
With that being said..
Overall:
This is okay, but it just doesn't do enough justice to be called a "story".
You just need to add more detail, keep the tense consistent, and make sure that the structure of the story isn't confusing, so that the reader can actually focus on the detail and substance- and enjoy it.
I would really recommend adding a prologue to lessen confusing and add to the "story" feel, just let us get familiar with the characters, then jump into the action.
Other than that, nice start!

Keep writing!
----------------
-Jojo

You have allot going on in this story keep working on it.
Keep writing,
~FW~

Ok, let me see if I've got this right.... there is Goku, Chichi, Gohan, Goten, Pan, Videl, Vegeta, Bulla, and Bulma, all in the first chapter. I'm not against having plenty of characters, it is just a little confusing to have so many just popping up. I mean, you don't really know they're even in the room until one of them speaks up, and then there is hardly any description given of the characters after they appear.
Also you might want to make the names a little less alike. Goku, Goten, and Gohan are all pretty similar. As are Bellu and Belma.
Still as baffled as I was by your many characters, you managed to hook me right at the end with the robot watching them. I'll be following this story.
Happy writing ~ Dragongirl