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Young Writers Society


Pure and Simple (Warriors)



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Gender: Male
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Mon May 23, 2011 4:36 pm
Stori says...



The next morning, every cat seemed to be clustered around the camp entrance. Hawkstar padded among them, with Fieldpaw following close a second shadow.

"What's going on here?"

Shystream, a pretty brown tabby, answered Hawkstar. "The dawn patrol scented a strange tom on our territory."

"Do you think it's dad? Did he come back?" Fieldpaw asks her mom.

Looking down at her she replies, "No, they would know if it was him. He was our leader, they would never forget him."

"But he has been gone for about a year, he could have changed....a lot," Fieldpaw says running over to the search post where the strange tom was.

He looked at her oddly, head tilted to one side. His coat was a gray so dark, at first she mistook it for black.

The stranger hesitated, then blurted out, "Does Hawkstar live here?"

"Dad?" Fieldpaw asks, getting a little closer.

"I'm afraid you have the wrong cat. He's my dad too." Gasps went up from the clan. Half a dozen cats began speaking at once; the stranger winced.

"Hello... what business do you have on our land?"

"I'm afraid you have the wrong cat. He's my dad too." Gasps went up from the clan. Half a dozen cats began speaking at once; the stranger winced.

"Why should I let my mate's son just trounce in here?" Hawkstar's voice had an angry edge to it.

"Because I'm your son too, don't you remember?" he says having a worried look in his eyes. " I was the one that was stillborn or so you thought, right after Fieldpaw, dad went off to get help but he got captured." he blurted out suddenly. "I was saved by the humans, we escaped after a few months when I was old enough, but he didn't know where he was and got hit, I survived and kept searching" looking at them he adds, "I knew where to look because he told me many stories, please say you remember."
  





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Mon May 23, 2011 10:11 pm
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GeeLyria says...



Hi wabbit! So I like how you write. As I've told you before you have a lot of vocabulary. o.o You've got me clung to the dictionary, but that's good. I think this is short, but it's good. <3 I've only got two things to say that are not really important, but oh, well... it's the only thing I noticed, so I'll just say it. xD

Stori wrote:Shystream, a pretty brown tabby, answered Hawkstar. "The dawn patrol scented a strange tom on our territory."

Okay,the period in red should be a comma.

Stori wrote: I was the one that was stillborn or so you thought, right after Fieldpaw, dad went off to get help but he got captured." he blurted out suddenly.

Same.

Other than those things, (which are kind of irrelevant, but also the things I always seem to spot xD) this is great. Keep writing! :)

~Solvy<3
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  








Change isn't inherently good, but you can't stop it, so let's just enjoy the ride. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— TheSilverFox