Young Writers Society

Chapter 1:

"So are you done unpacking?" Asked the voice on the other side of the receiver. It was sunset in London and the sky was clear and cloudless as it change from blue, to red, to green, and then a dark shade of indigo.

"Yeah, I just got done right before you called." Answered the girl. She was sitting on the roof of her new apartment, dangling her long, tan legs off the edge of the building, kicking them out in front of her like a child as she listened to the boy on the other end talk.

"thats good." He replied with a slight laugh. He paused and cleared his throat before continuing, his voice much darker then before, "So how are you feeling?"

"What do you mean?"

The boy sighed, "You know what I mean Alex. How are you feeling? You know it'll be two months next week since," He stopped, thinking about waht to say next, "Well... you know." Alex did know. She knew all to well what he meant, but chose to play ignorant as best she could. The memories of that awful day hurt to much to even think about, let alone talk about.

"Alex?"

"Yeah, I'm still here Dustin, and I do know what you mean. I'm fine. Really." But she wasn't fine, anyone could see that just by looking at her. She had gone into depression, isolated herself from the world. Worried about her mental heath Dustin persuaded her to return home from New York. She came back willing, but she had change so much. Her happy, carefree self had died and left a dark, miserable, almost lifeless shell behind.

"Hey Dustin," Said Alex after a moment of silents, "It's getting late, and I had a busy day today. I think I'm going to call it a night and go to bed."

"Yeah okay, good night." He said, but she had already hung up and was now staring down at the city below as it came to life with lights. The bars and clubs opened their doors and the drunks, hookers, and gangs came crawling out of their dark, damp holes to enjoy themselves until the sun came up the next morning. A smirk slowly cross her lips at the sight, "Pathetic." She hissed.

"What's pathetic?" Asked a voice in the shadows.

"Humans." She answered with disgust in her voice.

"And what's wrong with humans?" It asked curiously "Aren't you one?"

Alex said nothing, but glared down at her hands, remembering the night that change her life, "I don't know what I am anymore." She muttered, more to herself then anything, but still the voice had to reply.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know." She attempted, "Maybe it would be better if I didn't excites."

"Are you planning to die?" She could tell by the way the person was talking that they were smiling as they integrated her. She let out an airy laugh and shrugged.

"I've thought about, but as you can see, I never get very far."

There was a long pause before the shadow replied, "Maybe," They stared, coming out of the shadows to stand behind her, " You just need a little push." Two firm hands pressed hard agents her back and before she knew it she was falling. Unfazed by what just happened she watched as the stained concert grew closer and closer, waiting for the moment she collided with it, but it never happened. Surprised, she looked up to see a boy, about her age, holding her up by her wrist effortlessly with one hand. His jet black hair hung over his crimson colored eyes and there was a bored expression on his pale, flawless face.

"You didn't scream." he whined, disappointment clear in his voice.

"Would you have still saved me if I did?" She asked, sounding just as disappointed as him.

He pondered her question, but shrugged in response. She rolled her eyes and looked down at the empty ally twenty stories below, "I don't like playing games," She explained in a tone of boredom, "If you're going to kill me then drop me already, If not then help me up."

The boy titled his head to the side like a cat, "You want me to let you go?" With a playful grin on his face he loosened his grip on her. Alex slid a few inches closer to her death but he did not drop her. Annoyed with this childish game she glared up at him, her aqua eyes blazing like blue fire, "Look," She snapped, "You're beginning to piss me off, just let me go already!"

A light laugh escaped his mouth as he answered, "Now if did that then you might break, and why would I want to break new toy?" He asked, lifting her up and setting her down safely back on the roof, "So my little toy, what now?" He purred in her ear. She flashed him a sweet smile pulling her fist back and snapping it forward, hitting him in the jaw with a loud crack.

The Boy stepped back rubbing his cheek gingerly, "What was that for?"

Alex gasped in pain as she cradled her now broken hand close to her chest, "Most women don't like being called Toy." She said looking down at her hand, it was already swelling up and bruising. She hissed, cursing under her breath.

"Well then what is your name?" He asked, ignoring her cursing and now purple hand.

"Why should I tell you? Weren't you just trying to kill me a few seconds ago, and now I think you broke my hand."
Shrugging he shoved his hands in his jacket pockets, "Oh it's fine, just put some ice on it and take some pain killers." He said, walking away.

Sighing in frustration she threw up her uninjured hand in defeat," Fine you bastard, if you going to be a douche about, my name is Alex!" I shouted at him. He froze and spun around his heels to face her, a mischievous smile on his lips.

"Well Alex, Names Seth. Now if you excuse me." He backed off the edge of the building. Shocked, Alex hurried over to where he jumped, but found nothing. There was no evidence that Seth even existed. Shacking her head Alex left the roof, back to her apartment to take care of her hand and get some sleep.

N.A: I'm really bad at spelling, but I think I fixed most of my mistake. If not then I'm sorry feel free to point them out to me and I'll try to fix them. Hope you all enjoyed the first chapter and thanks for reading

I saw this on ths new list and it looked interesting from title.
1) Before you post something preview it, else you'll mess up on something like the paragraphs) their should be a space b/w each one.
2)I've had problems with it too, but every new line of dialouge needs a new paragraph

"So are you done unpacking?" Asked the voice on the other side of the receiver. It was sunset in London and the sky was clear and cloudless as it change from blue, to red, to green, and then a dark shade of indigo.
"Yeah, I just got done right before you called." Answered the girl. She was sitting on the roof of her new apartment, dangling her long, tan legs off the edge of the building, kicking them out in front of her like a child as she listened to the boy on the other end talk.
"thats good." He replied with a slight laugh. He paused and cleared his throat before continuing, his voice much darker then before, "So how are you feeling?"

This should be: "So are you done unpacking?" Asked the voice on the other side of the receiver. It was sunset in London and the sky was clear and cloudless as it change from blue, to red, to green, and then a dark shade of indigo.

"Yeah, I just got done right before you called." Answered the girl. She was sitting on the roof of her new apartment, dangling her long, tan legs off the edge of the building, kicking them out in front of her like a child as she listened to the boy on the other end talk.

"thats good." He replied with a slight laugh. He paused and cleared his throat before continuing, his voice much darker then before, "So how are you feeling?" (that's also needs to be capitalized.

2)Don't forget small things like describning time of day, characters( maybe a small smile, or a depressed tone)
3)Only thing I noticed spelling wise a missed s every now and again.
For the moment I've got nothing else to say except that the plot sounds interesting to me.

Thank matthewmazer for reading my work. I'm glad you found it interesting :3 You told me to put paragraph in and I did when I was writing it but when I submitted it... it turned into the huge mess you see above. So how do I put paragraphs in?

Hello I am new to this website and already have I found my most favorite short story already. I have enjoyed the intense flavir of imagery you have supplied in this story. Thank you and pkease review my stories.
THANK YOU, Dallas222

"So are you done unpacking?" Asked the voice on the other side of the receiver. It was sunset in London and the sky was clear and cloudless as it change from blue, to red, to green, and then a dark shade of indigo.

"Yeah, I just got done right before you called." Answered the girl. She was sitting on the roof of her new apartment, dangling her long, tan legs off the edge of the building, kicking them out in front of her like a child as she listened to the boy on the other end talk.

"thats good." He replied with a slight laugh. He paused and cleared his throat before continuing, his voice much darker then before, "So how are you feeling?"

"What do you mean?"

The boy sighed, "You know what I mean Alex. How are you feeling? You know, it'll be two months next week since," He stopped, thinking (You could also put "debating over what to say next." It'll give it a little spice about waht to say next, "Well... you know." Alex did know. She knew all to well what he meant, but chose to play ignorant as best she could. The memories of that awful day hurt to much to even think about, let alone talk about.

"Alex?"

"Yeah, I'm still here Dustin, and I do know what you mean. I'm fine. Really." But she wasn't fine, anyone could see that just by looking at her. She had gone into depression, isolated herself from the world. Worried about her mental heath Dustin persuaded her to return home from New York. She came back willing, but she had change(d) so much. Her happy, carefree self had died and left a dark, miserable, almost lifeless shell behind.

"Hey Dustin," Said Alex after a moment of silents, "It's getting late, and I had a busy day today. I think I'm going to call it a night and go to bed."

"Yeah okay, good night." He said, but she had already hung up and was now staring down at the city below as it came to life with lights. The bars and clubs opened their doors and the drunks, hookers, and gangs came crawling out of their dark, damp holes to enjoy themselves until the sun came up the next morning. A smirk slowly cross her lips at the sight, "Pathetic." She hissed.

"What's pathetic?" Asked a voice in the shadows.

"Humans." She answered with disgust in her voice.

"And what's wrong with humans?" It asked curiously "Aren't you one?"

Alex said nothing, but glared down at her hands, remembering the night that change her life, "I don't know what I am anymore." She muttered, more to herself then anything, but still the voice had to reply.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know." She attempted, "Maybe it would be better if I didn't excites(exist)."

"Are you planning to die?" She could tell by the way the person was talking that they were smiling as they integrated(interrogated) her. She let out an airy laugh and shrugged.

"I've thought about (it, or that), but as you can see, I never get very far."

There was a long pause before the shadow replied, "Maybe," They stared, coming out of the shadows to stand behind her, " You just need a little push." Two firm hands pressed hard agents her back and before she knew it she was falling. Unfazed by what just happened she watched as the stained concert grew closer and closer, waiting for the moment she collided with it, but it never happened. Surprised, she looked up to see a boy, about her age, holding her up by her wrist effortlessly with one hand. His jet black hair hung over his crimson colored eyes and there was a bored expression on his pale, flawless face.

"You didn't scream." he whined, disappointment clear in his voice.

"Would you have still saved me if I did?" She asked, sounding just as disappointed as him.

He pondered her question, but shrugged in response. She rolled her eyes and looked down at the empty ally twenty stories below, "I don't like playing games," She explained in a tone of boredom, "If you're going to kill me then drop me already, If not then help me up."

The boy titled his head to the side like a cat, "You want me to let you go?" With a playful grin on his face he loosened his grip on her. Alex slid a few inches closer to her death but he did not drop her. Annoyed with this childish game she glared up at him, her aqua eyes blazing like blue fire, "Look," She snapped, "You're beginning to piss me off, just let me go already!"

A light laugh escaped his mouth as he answered, "Now if did that then you might break, and why would I want to break new toy?" He asked, lifting her up and setting her down safely back on the roof, "So my little toy, what now?" He purred in her ear. She flashed him a sweet smile pulling her fist back and snapping it forward, hitting him in the jaw with a loud 'crack.'

The Boy stepped back rubbing his cheek gingerly, "What was that for?"

Alex gasped in pain as she cradled her now broken hand close to her chest, "Most women don't like being called Toy." She said looking down at her hand, it was already swelling up and bruising. She hissed, cursing under her breath.

"Well then what is your name?" He asked, ignoring her cursing and now purple hand.

"Why should I tell you? Weren't you just trying to kill me a few seconds ago, and now I think you broke my hand."
Shrugging he shoved his hands in his jacket pockets, "Oh it's fine, just put some ice on it and take some pain killers." He said, walking away.

Sighing in frustration she threw up her uninjured hand in defeat," Fine you bastard, if you going to be a douche about, my name is Alex!" I(She) shouted at him. He froze and spun around his heels to face her, a mischievous smile on his lips.

"Well Alex, Names Seth. Now if you excuse me." He backed off the edge of the building. Shocked, Alex hurried over to where he jumped, but found nothing. There was no evidence that Seth even existed. Shacking her head Alex left the roof, back to her apartment to take care of her hand and get some sleep.

Besides the little flaws, I absolutely love this story! I sooo can't wait to read more PLEASE write soon and I'll love you forever! Hahahah.

-CookEmonster

I'm seeing a lot of telling in this, along with some passive language. "It was sunset in London." Show us the fading day, and the colors, and the London skyline (does London have a skyline? o.O I know nothing of London, really). Show us.

"But she wasn't fine, anyone could see that just by looking at her. She had gone into depression, isolated herself from the world. Worried about her mental heath Dustin persuaded her to return home from New York. She came back willing, but she had change so much. Her happy, carefree self had died and left a dark, miserable, almost lifeless shell behind."

Again, lots of telling. And if this is from the girl's point of view, she's thinking about it very rationally. No denial about the fact she's depressed, very little emotion in talking about some very emotional stuff... Again, show us. Really get us inside her head. Show us her thoughts, her feelings, and this dark depression she's struggling with.

Maybe inject the names of the characters a little, to avoid confusion?

""Yeah okay, good night." He said, but she had already hung up and was now staring down at the city below as it came to life with lights." Some more passive language. Also, what Point of View is this in? If there's a narrator from the outside, maybe make that more clear, but if you want this to be from the girl's point of view then you really need to get inside her head. Don't let her know anything more than she should. Throughout the phone conversation I felt like I was getting little snippets of being in the same room as Dustin, when most of this seems to be centered on Alex. So, to give an example, maybe instead of saying, ""Yeah okay, good night." He said, but she had already hung up", you could give that line to us more from her POV. ""Yeah, okay. Good ni--" She cut him off, hanging up." Or somethin' like that.

"Maybe it would be better if I didn't excites."
"they were smiling as they integrated her."
excites should be exist, integrated should be interrogated. Spell check checks some things, but it's not always accurate. Be sure to proofread and make sure you're saying what you mean.

Ah. A vampire/werewolf/whatever story. *sigh* I'll try not to hold it against you... I do think this 'You didn't scream' thing is a bit interesting, but the 'punch-break-hand' thing feels familiar. I realize vampire stories are popular, but be sure to make your story unique. Help it stand out from the crowd.

"ignoring her cursing and now purple hand." Sounds like the purple hand is cursing. XD

"He froze and spun around his heels to face her, a mischievous smile on his lips." You can't freeze and spin at the same time.

I would be a little more freaked out after he backed off the building and disappeared, but Alex seems to take it in stride. Maybe a little more reaction? And I think maybe your ending would be better if you ended it just after he disappears. It's more gripping than the 'Oh, well, I'm gonna go sleep.' thing you have now. Ending it right after his disappearance might grip the reader more and make them more excited about the next chapter.

Not bad, but I think it could use some work in a few places. Be sure to proofread, more show and less tell, more emotion... Make your story stand out. Show us how it's different. I did like the 'you didn't scream' interaction.

Keep writing.