Young Writers Society

“A- tail?” faltered Aral Alexander. He chewed on the thought for a moment, then asked his father, “What other tricks does this girl have?”

Miles Vorkosigan smiled. “Not tricks, Alex. Lady Bertolli has senses that’re as sharp as any of our instruments. I expect you to show her every courtesy.”

Alex up-nodded in a gesture that caught at Mile’s heartstrings. It was his own nervous-involuntary tic come back to haunt him. He cleared his throat. “By the way- where’s Helen?”

“Coming back from the spaceport,” the boy replied. “I think I hear the groundcar now.”

True to his prediction, a moment later the grand entrance door of Vorkosigan House swung open. Two young women entered- one, Alex’s twin Helen Natalia, and the other was most likely Mia Bertolli. The latter was dressed very modestly, considering today’s fashion trends. Her quick, hazel eyes took in her surroundings before coming to rest on Miles and Alex.

“Good morning, ma’am. I trust nobody gave you any hassle?”

Mia’s smile lit up her face. “It wasn’t all that bad. Although I admit, Beta Colony was more- inviting.”

A sideways glance caught fourteen-year-old Alex grinning foolishly. Miles suppressed his own grin, hoping his son wouldn’t show a tendency to “hit on” her.

For the first time, Helen spoke. “Mia and I have already become fast friends. Her stories about Earth are marvelous.”

Miles was about to reply when a hand took his- that of his wife, Ekaterin. She said no word, but beamed equally at all present.

"Allow me to present Ekaterin. Ah, you and she should get along famously. Alex."

With a little start, the boy came to attention. Mia seemed equally startled- by the military response?

"That'll do. Please show Miss Bertolli to her rooms."

Really interesting prologue/first chapter :] Just one thing--I did wonder how old Miss Bertolli was...you said she was a young woman but that could anywhere from 13 to 25...just a thought. And you mentioned a tail in the beginning so I was expecting to see a tail as she walked into the room but..no tail!! D:
Other than that, I found it really good. I especially liked this sentence: "The latter was dressed very modestly, considering today’s fashion trends." And your entire sentence structure was really good...I like your wording, too.

Hey there!

I generally don't do Fanfics and I have absolutely no idea what story/movie this is from, so I'm just going to treat as just another story. I decided to read on, because you started off really well.

Comments:
It is quite short for a first chapter/prologue and some bits confused me.

“A- tail?” faltered Aral Alexander. He chewed on the thought for a moment, then asked his father, “What other tricks does this girl have?”

This sounded like Alex was a kid, around 5-10 years of age. So, naturally, I was surprised when you mentioned 14. I pictured him more juvenile.

The latter was dressed very modestly, considering today’s fashion trends.

Mmm, I didn't like this. Obviously you're trying to describe her physical appearance and her character in this statement, but it doesn't work. Try reworking here.

“Good morning, ma’am. I trust nobody gave you any hassle?”

This was confusion uno. It took me a couple rereading to understand who the speaker was. Add dialogue tags, kay?
Similarly, who says this : ""That'll do. Please show Miss Bertolli to her rooms."" ? It got me all confused.

"Allow me to present Ekaterin. Ah, you and she should get along famously. Alex."

Do Miles and Mia already know each other? If not, he should've introduced himself too, ja?

Is this an alien sci-fi? I am interested to see where it leads. It might end up to be very interesting!

CHeers!
~Lava