z

Young Writers Society


Legend of Zelda: The Golden Pendant (1.1)



User avatar
111 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4194
Reviews: 111
Sun Jul 03, 2011 4:17 pm
Gladius says...



I'm so evil. Posting a first chapter when I'm about to go away for three weeks. xP :lol: Basically this is the sequel to TWOD, but not quite a direct sequel. Those who've read it'll know what I mean when you start reading (even if I haven't finished writing TWOD yet... *sigh*).

Let me know if this seems too long for one post. If I have time before I leave/afterward, I'll break it into two chapter-parts. Part two is up. Just use the novel button to navigate to it. ^^

(Rated for mild swearing at some points and some themes later on [I'll bump it up when we get there. But there's a while yet 'til that].)
---
If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

~CS Lewis


Chapter 1: Initium


Tanya’s eyes flicked about the darkening forest warily. Late November leaves crunched beneath her boots as she carefully picked her way along the deer trail, pausing occasionally to listen. Every nerve was alert to her environment, straining to hear and see what was making those odd sounds.

She estimated it had started up around fifteen minutes ago, as she alighted from her tree stand—a low snuffling and the shuffling of hooved feet. At first she had perked up and readied her compound bow, thinking a deer was nearby. After a few minutes spent analyzing the activity, though, she perplexedly decided it wasn’t a deer; it made far too much noise, for one, and the snuffling was more…pig-like.

Venison wouldn’t be on the menu tonight.

Tanya didn’t stick around much longer after deciding that. Those strange sounds had moved closer in the time she stopped to deliberate. And, if her excellent hearing wasn’t deceiving her, there was more than one of…whatever it was, out there.

The hunter moved quickly now, more than eager to get home as soon as possible. She didn’t like that she was leaving earlier than usual—sunset was prime hunting time—but prey had been scarce all day, anyway. Besides that, she’d rather not run into the creatures making those noises and definitely following her now.

Stepping into the field adjoining the woodland plot had never felt so good. As soon as she slid her bow into its case and slung that over her back again, she picked up a dog-trot along the path home. To her relief, the sound of hooves on gravel did not follow her down the back road.

Tanya shook her head at herself as she settled into the familiar rhythm of jogging. ‘Why would they—whatever ‘they’ are—be following me? They’re probably just some pigs that got loose and strayed from one of the nearby farms.

‘So then why do I keep wanting to look over my shoulder every two strides?’

Scowling and increasing her pace, Tanya forcefully dropped those useless thoughts. She concentrated simply on running, reaching for the next stride as the wind sang in her lungs. This was her favorite thing to do after sitting in a cold tree-stand the entirety of a Fall day. Running loosened her muscles and freed her spirit to fly…metaphorically speaking. Sometimes she felt she could do it all day, and had even imagined, when younger, that she was the famous Athenian runner Phidippidies.

Her nostalgic trip into her childhood memories and the physical journey home ended with the sun’s light. Tanya gratefully slowed her pace to a relaxed walk up the driveway, forcing her burning lungs to slowly drink in the oxygen it pleaded for. By the time she climbed the stairs to the front porch, the girl had almost completely recovered from the mile-and-a-half run.

Her parents—Amy and Jonathan Grayle—looked up with not a little surprise as she walked into the foyer. Her mother quickly returned to the unfinished meal simmering on the stove; Jonathan set aside the photography journal in his hand temporarily.

“You’re back early,” he commented as she tapped the dirt off her shoes.

“I didn’t see a thing,” Tanya explained, squatting to unlace her boots. “Figured I’d cut my losses.”

He shuffled some low-quality prints over the tabletop, not looking up at her when he spoke next. “Mat said the prey’s not running so well lately. He thinks it’s either because of the hard winter we had last year, or the coyotes getting desperate.”

Tanya shrugged, abandoning the conversation to retreat to her room. She heard her mother say, “Mary did see a coyote just a few days ago…” before the door shut behind her and muted the sound.

‘I don’t think it’s coyotes, Amy,’ she mused, unslinging her quiver and bow from her shoulders. Settling them on their designated pegs in one wall—next to the horn bow she took when riding and her first longbow—the girl shed her excess hunting clothes and settled down with her sketch book.

Before continuing her most-recent drawing, she slowly thumbed through the pages, smiling a little at each favorite she came across. Subject matter varied in a rather amusing fashion that her classmates never failed to point out; one page could be filled with puppies and kittens while the next depicted a battle freeze-frame of epic proportions. At least one swordsman, whose basic characteristics never varied, always appeared in the latter sketches.

She paused a few moments longer than the rest on the most recent page, a half-shaded portrait of one of her favorite characters, before picking up her pencil. The implement carefully traced the heavy line of the jawbone, filling some preliminary shading under the chin, then made some minor corrections to his angled eyebrows. Trading the pencil for a paper stub, she carefully blended the strokes denoting light irises to give them the necessary sheen.

Amy’s voice echoed up the stairwell just as Tanya finished darkening the shadows in her subject’s blond hair. “Coming!” she shouted back. An expert flick of the wrist closed her sketchbook; after stowing it and her pencils on her bedside table’s shelf, the girl hurried out and down the stairs into the kitchen.

Her mother was just setting a bowl of potatoes on the table when Tanya came into view. Jonathan gently pushed his pictures to one side as the women sat for dinner. As usual, the first few bites were taken in silence except for the clink and scrape of glasses and silverware, respectively.

Jonathan was the first to break the silence. “Have you seen any coyotes on your hunts lately, Tanya?”

The girl paused and lowered her fork back to her plate, the morsel on it uneaten. After a moment of thought, she frowned and said, “No, not really… Come to think of it, I haven’t seen many animals—predator or prey—at all this season.”

Her father and mother exchanged glances, but Tanya was staring at her plate so missed the looks. Those hoof beats she’d heard when leaving the woods today… She was sure they had something to do with the forest animals’ unusual timidity.

“John…” she started slowly. The hesitance in her voice turned both her parents’ gazes to her. “Have you…ever heard something that makes…” She frowned in confusion, trying to find the words to describe the noise she’d heard earlier. “It’s…like a—a snuffing sound, like a dog sniffing around, but louder and…rougher?”

“Hm…” He leaned back in his chair, crossing one arm over his chest and resting his chin in the cup of his other hand thoughtfully. “Can you relate it to an animal you already know?”

Her food almost forgotten, Tanya closed her eyes to dredge up the memory of that sound. Her brow creased deeply as she thought, absently fingering the little gold pendant on its chain around her neck. “It was…almost like a pig, I guess,” she said, opening her eyes again with no little confusion still in them. “And a really big one.”

He sighed and drummed his fingers on the table. “The only thing I can think of that comes close is a wild boar. But coniferous forest and mountains aren’t where they normally roam, and most populations that live further down the mountain have, I’m sure, been killed off since civilization came out here to stay.”

The ambiance grew quiet again, each of the family members left to their own thoughts. Tanya pushed a forkful of corn kernels around her plate absently, no longer hungry. Something incredibly strange was going on in the woods near her home, but she had no idea what. It bothered her beyond belief.

At last, when it seemed the silence would become unbearable, Amy cleared her throat. “Tanya, we’re going to be away all day tomorrow.”

She leaned back against her chair and settled confused green eyes on her mother. The woman continued, “There’s a convention coming to Denver tomorrow, and John and I wanted to put up some photography there.”

“We know you’re not as…enthusiastic as we are about photography,” John added. “And you’re plenty old enough to take care of yourself for a day.”

Tanya resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow at them, instead loosely crossing her arms. “You’re going to let me stay here?” she asked in a clarifying tone.

“As long as you don’t cross the property boundaries if you go riding,” her father said, also crossing his arms.

She subdued the full grin growing on her face. When the property boundaries encompassed thirty acres, it wasn’t that hard to stay on the property. “No problem.”
Last edited by Gladius on Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:44 pm, edited 6 times in total.
When Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured, can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

I'm also ZeldaMoogle on Fanfiction.net!

"Funny is a formula for which there are a million variables, and it is impossible to backtrack unless, possibly, you make a living out of it."~Rosey Unicorn
  





User avatar
7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1002
Reviews: 7
Sun Jul 03, 2011 5:13 pm
keren says...



Hey Gladius, this first chapter is great! It's really exciting and mysterious. Also, you some how managed to mix modern with old. Your writing was perfect except for one thing
had rescued her
crashed through

you accidentally put an enter here which really confused me for a second. you might want to change that. Other than that is was great. I liked how you switched between characters' names and a common noun that they were in general (i.e. "our mysterious rider".) All in all, great and I can't wait for the rest of it.

Nice Job!
Keren
  





User avatar
117 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5497
Reviews: 117
Sun Jul 03, 2011 5:36 pm
TwistedMuffins says...



Hello there! I really like this! It was very different from everything else I've read.
Errors? Non that I could find.

Well, except this:
By the time they reached the main trail again, Tanya had regained her wits enough to squash the flames of true panic threatening to ignite in her chest. She pulled her horse to a stop again when the mounted warrior who had rescued her

crashed through the brush along the path to her left.

No need for the huge spacing between "her" and "crashed".

Um, referring to your message before the story started. *point point* I think you should make it in two chapters. Because a lot has happened in one chapter - a lot of different activity from one and another. Put chapter one till the part where her parents tell her they aren't going to be at home the next day, and start chapter two from the stables and end chapter two with the last line in this post.

So far, I really liked this. It was very imaginative and new.
Well done!
I would love to hear more from you!
Keep it up!

-Justtrying.
If I were to have a super power, it would be to time-travel, so that I could turn back time, and erase your very existence.
  





User avatar
111 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4194
Reviews: 111
Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:25 am
Gladius says...



Your writing was perfect except for one thing
had rescued her
crashed through

Oops! Typo. Thanks for pointing that out. ^^;

Well, except this:
By the time they reached the main trail again, Tanya had regained her wits enough to squash the flames of true panic threatening to ignite in her chest. She pulled her horse to a stop again when the mounted warrior who had rescued her

crashed through the brush along the path to her left.

No need for the huge spacing between "her" and "crashed".

Fixed. ^^;

Um, referring to your message before the story started. *point point* I think you should make it in two chapters. Because a lot has happened in one chapter - a lot of different activity from one and another. Put chapter one till the part where her parents tell her they aren't going to be at home the next day, and start chapter two from the stables and end chapter two with the last line in this post.

Well, I'm not going to change it into two chapters, per say, but you're right. There's quite a lot going on for one forum post, so I'll break it into two. Thanks for the advice! ^^

Thanks so much, both of you! I hope you'll keep reading. ^^
~Glad
When Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured, can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

I'm also ZeldaMoogle on Fanfiction.net!

"Funny is a formula for which there are a million variables, and it is impossible to backtrack unless, possibly, you make a living out of it."~Rosey Unicorn
  





User avatar
1272 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272
Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:59 pm
View Likes
Rosendorn says...



Heya Glad.

As I was reading, I found myself wanting just a bit more context at the beginning of the chapter. The sounds didn't feel alien for me— the prose is rather slow and the context for why the sounds would be strange is a bit late. Mostly, it's the prose. The longer sentences made me feel like this wasn't urgent, even though I know it is. The fact you're drawing attention to the sounds negates the fact a bit, but I'd like a bit more emphasis in here. Maybe not much, but just enough that we get a better connection with Tanya right off the start. You've shown some of her sarcastic personality, but not that she's actively scared.

That could be my biggest problem with the beginning of this. You're working your way to a connection with the character, with the sarcasm, but it's not showing her primary emotions in here. For those of us without, or who don't fill in emotions to situations easily (hi), I'd add in a touch of her fear and how she reacts to it in the beginning. You only start that halfway through the chapter, which is a bit late to me. Once I saw that fear I started being able to read this all in one sitting. Before, it had felt rather slow and generic. If we just felt a little about her pounding heart— or, because she's a hunter, the calm analysis that turns to weariness— right at the start, then I think there'd be a stronger connection than there is now.

One minor thing that irked me was the mention of "low quality prints." If they were John's, and he was a reputable photographer, chances are all his prints would be high quality (unless he's still using film, in which case he'd have to develop all pictures, but that needs to be mentioned because of how common digital cameras are) because it costs to print photos.

The dialogue with her parents felt a bit stiff and strained, probably cause it was genetic infodumping. You could benefit from a bit more introspection, I think.

Overall, I find you're getting close to having a good grasp on Tanya, but I'd like the narration to get a bit closer to her and a bit more vivid in what's going on. It was difficult to get a grasp on the situation and how odd it was. That could be me too used to first person, but it just felt distant. Just a little bit more fleshing out of certain paragraphs could do a lot of good.

Drop me a line if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  








Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
— Samuel Butler