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Warhammer 40k: Change and Decay pt1



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Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:42 am
killkrusha69 says...



This is dedicated to my favorite fantasy world: Warhammer 40k
Many of you might not fully understand this story but bare with me here.
I will add some definitions here if you do not know at all these things.

Adeptus Astartes- Greatest amongst the soldiers are the Adeptus Astartes, the Space Marines, bio-engineered super-warriors.

Tzeentch- The God of Change and Evil Dreams. He is the sworn enemy of Nurgle, God of Pestilence and Death. Tzeentch uses mutation and unnatural magic to bestow evil enchantments upon his elite warriors.

Nurgle- The God of Pestilence, Death and Decay. Nurgle is one of the Chaos Gods in the Warhammer: 40,000 universe. He leads thousands of rotting warriors into battle; most of which feel no pain. Nurgle is the sworn enemy of Tzeentch, God of Change.

Thousand Sons- Once were loyal space marines, but in the end followed the path to corruption. They worship and follow the ways of, Tzeentch bringing death and destruction to all who appose. The legion mainly contains sorcerers.

Plague marines-to the Chaos God Nurgle. Within their corpulent and disgusting armour their bodies are bloated with disease, swollen with corruption and rank with decay. Their weaponry and equipment may be pitted with decay and corroding away, but they are still terrifying opponents. They have an inhuman tolerance for pain.

His hands touched the book delicately feeling the roughness and the sharp solidness of the dark artifacts covers through his power armor. A small guilt emerged from within, questioning, why was he not overwhelmed with excitement? This was the very book once crafted and written by, Tzeentch, his dark god. Any noble servant would have felt some measurement of pleasure? Perhaps the answer was that this was gifted to another god who used it for his own selfish reasons, ‘Pestilence and decay’. Nakarith slowly understood the answer for his strange actions was because this very gift was used against the boundaries of his mighty lord’s ways of rule. Rage possessed him, it almost felt as his body was drowning in his own anger. After a moment a dark sense of pleasure was triggered within himself, he was serving his gods will and now he would return this unholy book back to his lord once again. His fingers hooked around the book with delicacy, and slid it into the leather bag tied to a belt, under his dark aqua robes.
Nakarith was about to turn, but his mind gave a warning of an aura of another presence behind him. The aura wasn’t even needed; the mysterious figure was betrayed by his poisonous stench of rotted meat.
A frantic panic struck his soul, “Damn the scums have caught me”. Nakarith stood still trying to concentrate with every part of his body, his ears heard a slight click of a bolt pistol being aimed at his head. He smiled slowly knowing he would not fail this mission, not like this. “So, here we are, brother.” Nakarith hissed very smoothly. His ears shot a warning sound of his enemy’s finger slowly squeezing the trigger saving Nakarith just in time slamming his staff on the ground teleporting himself behind the attacker.
The plague champion fired a shot confused he turned around seeing his foe in wait. The champion reacted, and fired his bolt pistol again. Nakarith freed his rage into thousand of electric energies smiting the weapon of his enemy’s hand. The disarmed plague champion kicked Nakarith in the chest, and rolled to the side behind a cover. A kick like that would easily crush a humans chest, but, Nakarith was an, Adeptus Astarte’s a super human that was constructed for war.
A delicate quietness entered the room giving Nakarith time to study his surroundings and plan a route of escaping this blasphemes place. His eyes scanned the cylindrical building filled with sky scrapers of book shelves surrounding him stacked with thousands of books that belonged to chaos. Nakarith looked up and felt discouraged, as the twisted, marble sculptors of daemons, stared down with disgust upon him, from the oval shaped ceiling. This terrain did not suffice his needs at all, the library was useless for cover. Nakarith gave another fast two seconds to look around and make his final conclusions. His eyes compromised a thin path led down a black hallway marked in millions of symbols that ended where the door awaited him.

His concentrations were interrupted as his ears gave away his foe smoothly sliding out two metal blades. He closed his eyes, and slowly began to gather the dark energies decaying inside him, the feeling was not pleasant, each small amount of rage pulled out of him created a grave weakness. At last he gathered the last gallon of hate towards the centre of his chest setting himself loose firing at the shelf with bolts of fire blossoming in orange flames. The force of the explosion sent the champion flying five meters backwards into the air.
Nakarith franticly restored his energy and violently charged at the stunned foe. The plague champion stole the sorcerer’s initiative. The dazed champion was still on his knees, but had a perfect reach to swing his blades at Nakarith’s pelvis, Nakarith leaped back buying the champion just enough time to stand up and charge. The two blades were lashed at Nakarith’s upper ribs, he instantly lifted his staff and stopped the champions blow, transferring his negative energies into his staff erupting an explosion bouncing the champion a meter back. The champion continued attacking his foe, but no matter how precise his blows were it would always be stopped by a perfect block. Nakarith knew that this warrior had more strength then him, and would probably last longer unless if he could counter attack now and finish this before the warrior of decay would be victorious. He had only one shot at this, if he would fail, the battle would end in his loss, which could not be allowed! Nakarith’s staff blocked several more vital blows from the plague champion. A puny trickle of sweet went down his nose giving a gentle itch to his skin. Panic stabbed into his heart squirming “No, I am not this weak!”
He contained the very last energy and began his counter attack. His body danced to the side of the plague champion flanking him. Nakarith swung his staff with great speed aimed at his foes head. The strike was met with a precise block made by the champion lifting his two blades holding them in a shape of an x. Nakarith furiously pressed his staff on to the blades making the champion kneel down. The last gallon of strength was gathered within him and used for teleporting behind the champions back and stabbing him with every ounce of what he had left in his body into the champion’s helmet.
Blood and brain matter popped out of the champion’s skull and splashed the, Thousand Sons blue armor. Feeling victorious Nakarith dropped to his tired knees allowing giving his body a small rest and regaining his energy. This was indeed a very strong and skilled foe he as ever faced. Blinded by his glorious pride the sorcerer didn’t even notice his foe lifting himself up again.

I will post more after I will get some reviews for this and I will be able to improve it
Last edited by killkrusha69 on Fri Aug 05, 2011 1:33 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:39 am
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Wolferion says...



Yousu! Let's get to business, shall we? =) The story is in the spoiler below with my comments.

Spoiler! :
His hands touched the book delicately. Even through his armor he felt the roughness and the sharp solidness of the book's cover. Yet, he was not overwhelmed by emotion he believed that he was suppose to, after all this was the book once crafted and written by his dark god Tzeentch himself. Perhaps the reason was because this gift was given to another god, who used it for his own reasons. Pestilence and death. Nakarith understood why he felt nothing - this was a gift to another god who went against the boundaries and crusaded against his mighty lord's ways of destruction. Rage possessed him, it almost felt like his body was drowning in it. This triggered a sense of happiness in him self - he was serving his god's will and now he would return this book back to his lord once again.
- Let's see. You write in active, that's a good way to narrate a story and descriptions, however, you lack many ' and also the sentences are too divided, not to mention they are not that interest grabbing (the way you use additional words) I'm going to try rewriting it a bit below. Just a note, I'm trying to show you how it could look better, that doesn't mean though you have to write exactly the same - you'd lose your own writing style, instead, try to see the point behind it.

No matter how delicately he tried to handle the book, he still felt the solid roughness of the book's cover, speaking of its unique origin; a book from a god, a book from the dark god Tzeentch himself. An almighty artifact indeed, though surprisingly, he didn't feel any overwhelmed by it and he didn't know why. Maybe he was numb, or perhaps, because the book was a gift to another god, a god who fearlessly went against the boundaries and crusaded against his mighty lord's ways of destruction.

A mixture of rage and happiness possessed Nakarith's mind, drowning him, but not for too long - he was serving his god's will and now he would return this book back to his lord, once again.


He grabbed the book and slid it into a bag under his dark blue robes tied to a belt. (Too packed, use more commas and smooth descriptions, like: He carefully put the book into his bag, that was tied to a belt, hidding it under his dark blue robe.) Nakarith (Going from he to Nakarith all of a sudden? Unnecessary.) was about to turn, but he instantly felt an aura of another presence of hate behind him.(Not really immediate. If you want to strike the reader, try doing something like this: A hateful aura of another presence appeared behind him just as he was about to turn around, filling his nose with an awful stench of a rotting meat.) Though he didn’t even need to feel it, the stench of old meat already let him know he wasn’t the only being in the room. (First, why are we told about the room all the way here? Since you never mentioned it before, but ran around the book, my mind had no idea what surroundings to imagine. Also, saying just a room out of a sudden without anything else is absurd, a blasphemy to the reader. Second, the dialogue that follows should be put into a paragraph of itself) “Damn the scum’s have caught me”. Even covered by his thick powerful helmet his ears heard a slight click of a bolt pistol being aimed at his head. Nakarith smiled slowly, he knew he would not fail this mission, not like this. “So, here we are, brother.” Nakarith hissed very smoothly. His ears warned betrayed the sound of his enemies finger squeezing the pistol triggers. That saved Nakarith just in time, he slammed his staff on the ground and teleported behind the attacker.
- First note - too packed paragraph. Try dividing your text into more paragraphs each time you jump to different location or action or a dialogue kicks in - it makes it easier for the flow, makes it easier to read. When I see new paragraph, I immediately expect different focus and with the gap between the paragraphs, I have the time to memorize what I've just read. Second note, your action lines are a bit off the tone - try putting the sentences into a complex one instead of using simple ones in bigger numbers. Don't get me wrong, that sometime works too, but not in your case - your every simple sentence has too much description.


The plague champion fired a shot and turned around in confusion to see his foe behind him. (Simple, why not add lines as "The plague champion fired a shot just to find out that his target disappeared and now stands behind him, confusing him greatly. Without any further delay he fired again _______" - action follows with "but, however, even though, whatever you can think of ) The champion reacted immediately, and fired his bolt pistol again. Nakarith instantly let out his rage into thousand of electric energies smiting the weapon of his enemies hand. The plaque champion instantly kicked Nakarith in the chest, and rolled to the side behind the shelf of books. (Too many times instantly. Just sometimes writing the action without "suddenly, instantly, immediately" is enough, it let's us know that it happened and without any repetitions or complications.) A kick like that would easily crush a normal humans chest,( but, Nakarith was not he was an, Adeptus Astartes a super human who was created for one purpose and one only “Killing”.) - now this is honestly awful, please rewrite and don't forget the points I wrote before.
- I've cropped the paragraph as it'd be me just repeating what I've already written. You don't write bad, but you have a lot of mistypes, you're not careful, your lack of sense for "but, however, even though" in the action moments is shamefully disturbing, not to mention horrible amount of "instantly, immediately"; there are other words and ways of writing than just those two. I've been always told that English is very rich on variations and so far, it's been like that - so use it well. I'd end up rewriting your whole story, but that wouldn't do much good, so here are some notes in the brackets and just one rewritten paragraph, please give it some time and thought.


Most of what I have to say is already in the spoiler, so truly, give it some time. Some notes might sound discouraging, but that's your ticket to improve, so that next time you get more sweet words and feel more worthy. If you like writing, there's no wall that should stop you, however, if you aim to become a good writer, you should know one thing well and that's that there is no mercy in the world nor sweet sympathy for bad stories. Good thing though is that there's always a way to improve and I'm going to look forward to seeing your progress as the time goes. Write as much as you can, strife for better each time you do, and if it ends up being awful, learn from it and continue - there's no other way, so good luck! Swords shall be broken, shields shall be splitten, a sore day, a red day and the sun rises!
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
-Formerly Shinda
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 1:34 am
killkrusha69 says...



I made even more changes :D
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Fri Aug 05, 2011 1:46 am
Nate says...



Kyousuke had a very extensive review, so I'll try not to repeat what he said.

I think what you have here is a good action sequence. However, I'm not really sure who's who or why any of this matters. Because I don't really know what's going on, I'm left feeling very confused.

What you need to do next is explain who Nakarith is, and who the Plague Champion is as well. Why are they fighting? Why was the Plague Champion chasing Nakarith? It may be that if I knew the Warhammer universe, I would understand all this but you need to go into it regardless.

So your second chapter should be very slow-paced. Allow the reader to settle into your novel, and let the reader know what the fight was over.
  








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