Young Writers Society

On the way upstairs, she kept mouthing the word "rooms". Curious, Alex turned to face her. "Ma'am?"

"Mia, please. I'm not quite used to all this formality." Large and earnest, her eyes blinked once- twice.

He smiled. "All right, Mia. I hope you like it here."

The next person they encountered was Alex's grandfather. He shook hands cordially with Mia, who seemed charmed. Then the unexpected occurred. A brown-tabby tail flicked over her shoulder. Grandfather started, then grinned boyishly. "I had heard about your unusual trait, but this- forgive me. You must be feeling jet-lagged."

"Quite." She yawned, exposing sharp canine- or rather feline- teeth.

"Ye gods," murmured Alex.

Mia glanced at him and fled down the hall.
**
At dinner, both parents and grandparents anxiously awaited her reappearance. Alex toyed with his fork.

"Would someone go check on her?" Ekaterin broke the silence.

"I'll go," ventured Helen. She didn't wait for permission, but made for the stairs.

While they waited, Lady Cordelia eyed her son and grandson. "Who's going to own up?"

"The girl wanted to study abroad. This is as far abroad as she could get." Seeming fascinated by his plate, Grandfather spoke to it. "I'm afraid our Barrayarn culture is a bit too engrained. It's not the girl's fault if we stare."

I am not sure I understand what you're getting at here. Can the cat talk? Was that why Mia went running down the hallway? I am confused as to who the MC is; is it Mia, or Alex? Alright, let me just slow down and pull up a little. Hello Fire, Happy Review Day. It's almost over, I know but you can't shoot me for not trying to get last minute reviews in. I feel that all your problems stem from the shortness of this chapter. If you were to lengthen it then more questions would be answered and the reader wouldn't be as left in the dark as they feel with this chapter now.

Aral started, then grinned boyishly. "I had heard about your unusual trait, but this- forgive me. You must be feeling jet-lagged."

"Quite." She yawned, exposing sharp canine- or rather feline- teeth.

Aral is the Grandfather, correct? And this 'she' is the cat? It's not good to be having the reader asking who is saying what? You want it to be as clear as crystal that Aral is the grandfather and that the cat actually spoke, if it did? My suggestion is to actually mention into the sentence before that the Grandfather's name is Aral, or instead say: Alex's Grandfather started, then grinned boyishly. That will at least give the reader an idea of who is who. And now onto the cat problem. No matter how many times I read over this, I am still confused whether it was the cat that spoke or Mia. In that last sentence, you have to mention that is was Mia who yawned and exposed her teeth (or the cat, because they're usually the owners of feline teeth). It's not a massive problem, though it will definitely help clear things up.

Also, I feel that you're going way to fast, and by doing that you're missing out on key elements such as above. At the end, before the asterix (so in other words the end of the first scene), you have Mia flee down the hallyway. Why did she do that? When I read it, I was stumped! You've got to make sure you fix up the first problem above so I get a better idea of what is happening. Without a snippet of information, it feels as if you just cooked up that fleeing part and threw it into the novel hoping it was the missing peice in the puzzle. Unfortunately, it isn't. Maybe if you fix up the first part it will all fall into place but I feel like you must add in more description, such as: what kind of fear is she experiencing? Does she feel light headed? Is it all getting to her pyhsically/mentally? Only that way will you really have the reader absorbed. Still on this topic, when you move to fast you leave out other peices of the message such as: what this house actually looks like? I am imagining something extravagant, though for all I know it could be a dingy hole in the ground.

To me it seems like you only like one sentenced paragraphs because apart from the dialouge there are only two paragraphs larger the one sentence. You can easily add more so that it adds not only length to the story but also to the paragraph. For example:

On the way upstairs, she kept mouthing the word "rooms". Curious, Alex turned to face her.

You could've easily said what Mia feels of Alex, or vice versa. There could've also been the explanation of the house right here. Also, why does she keeping mouthing rooms? You do try and have Alex asking that further on though as the dialouge continues: no answer was found. Just ponder over that...it will help.

Onto the second part, now. I thought this part lacked even more information. Yes they're trying to find where Mia ran off to which is good but you can have some explanation of what they all thought of the Mia girl. And then at the end with the last two sentences, I don't understand what this means. You have everything sliding in one after another so quickly that it leaves the reader all muddled up.

While they waited, Lady Cordelia eyed her son and grandson. "Who's going to own up?"

"The girl wanted to study abroad. This is as far abroad as she could get."

You could have placed so much into these last two sentences it's not funny. Off the top of my head, they could've both denied and then BAM pay the consequence when Cordelia tells them where to go. It's just small things that will have readers on the edge of their seats. You've got to make sure you place these things in or you're going to lose readers, and without them, a book is nothing.

Fire, your biggest problem is the lack of information. Your characters have promise and potential though without enough information there is no way they'll develop or thrive in the world you've created. If you want to keep your readers hooked on every word you're saying you're going to have to be prepared to go that extra mile. Which means that you use explaining words that florish up your writing style, and you make sure you explain as many things as you can without giving away the dire points to your plot. Only by doing this can your story really shine and be successful. Yes it's hard, yes it's a lengthy task though you won't regret it. This is the only way, but as writer you're going to have to be willing to keep working until your pencil is only a single shaving of its former self. Till then, you've got to keep pushing. Apart from that, I like the way you're going with this, Fire. If the cat was really talking then I am definitely reading the next installment. I just hope that you take in my advice. None of it is supposed to be taken as critism, just think of it all as helpful hints.

-Good luck.