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Young Writers Society


Does this darkness have a name?



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Tue Jul 19, 2011 5:30 pm
TVDlover says...



The feel of someone's hand would be a welcomed comfort to me, I haddent felt the warm comforting feeling of another person for a very long time. Because I was shy, I had let it rule my life. Going to school wqith all these great personalities and not one of the aknowledgeing my existance. Iwas going to make a difference this new somester I was giving myself a makeover. From dull, strawberry hair that felt like straw to locks of wavy, soft, ruby hair. My wealthy grandparents paying for lazer eye sergery and I, I bought all the makeup I could with fifty dollars.

Ruby, that was the new me. As I stepped back onto school grounds in my new red mini. People stared, remarks whispered between the ignorant few. "Is she new?" "Is that Ginger Roberts?" My transformation had succeeded, fase two was to get the bad boy or the history teacher. I would become the sexiest girl around. Or the new Caroline Forbes, yes that was what I wanted, the fame, the glory of being miss Mystic Falls. It wasn't that I hated her, I wanted to be her.

"Hi Ginger!" Caroline caught me in the corridor. "Hi, it's Ruby now. My names Ruby." She smiled, it was an empty smile. "Ruby, cool, I like it! So are you sitting with me at lunch?" I had been invited to join my dream, let through the pearly white gates and into the world of Caroline Forbes. Iknew this was only because of my new looks but it diddn't bother me, I would make other friends from this.

Double English lit and tripple Biology dragged on forever but the thought of a wonderful lunch set my mind on fire. "Hi, Rubes,we're over here!" It seemed that this time Caroline was despertate for me ! I sat next to her and on my other side sat an angel. His name, Stefan Salvatore, my compatition if I wanted him, Elena Gilbert. As conversation started about celebs and magazines I felt like I was sinking, still so far from the socially elite. "Don't worry, none of us get it either." Stefan had turned to me. I tried to smile. "Yeah, I'm not really a celeb chatting type." A boy across the table shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, neither are we. We were just talking about the latest range rover sport. Carolines dads just bought her one."

Finally, something that is still a little bit Ginger. I had vowed to never completely loose the Ginger in me, keep her spirit alive. After lunch was history, in this hour and a half I would attempt to subtaly woo Mr Saltzman. I wouldn't be rude, afterall his girlfriend had just died two weeks ago. I would just be extra sweet and nice. "Hello Ginger, makeover?" I smiled, not too much though. "Yes, and my name is Ruby now. Don't worry though I had time to revise for the topic test too." He aknowleged my little flirt and handed me the sheet.

"Yesss!" Had I just shouted outloud and let Giger run free once more? "Glad to see your so exited about this topic Ruby. Please enlighten us all on the founding of Mystic Falls." I took in a big breath. "Well, it was founded by two families. The Lockwoods and The Salvatores, not forgetting their help in had mr Gilbert. Its said that a settlement of witches were here before us, and a rumor from my family, the Roberts, we were the servants to the Salvatores, vampires roamed the town; one in particular called Katherine Pierce." As he faced the board Mr Saltzman sighed deeply, had I hit a nerve? How could I, this was a history class it happened along time ago.

The few that were now considered my friends grew warey of me, all their faces like they needed to ask a hundred questions. "Why don't you come with us all to Stefan's tonight Ruby? We wouldn't want to leave you out." I thought about it, Lucy wouldn't be home till ten so I accepted the offer. It was the end of my first dat as Ruby and it had gone swimmingly. Stepping into Carolines car I felt emensely important.

"Nice Gucci shoes, very red." Although the drive was tough in the rain she had managed to sneek a peek at my feet. "Wow how did you get thoes?" Gauped Bonnie. I had to think quickly, I had no idea they were Gucci or very good shoes at all. "Ummm, the internet?" Asilence fell in the car, I hadden't given them the answer they wanted. Soon the subject changed as Jeramey, the poor boy with the tourture of listening to our girly conversation started to talk to me about hockey.

Smoothly Carolines car pulled up against the old lodge where the Salvatores now lived. I felt compelled to enter the beautiful house. This was it, the moment I entered the house I would be one of them.
  





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Tue Jul 19, 2011 6:07 pm
MasterGrieves says...



Very good..........................................................................but needs a bit of editing.
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Tue Jul 19, 2011 7:26 pm
Mjdwrite says...



A few nitpicks.

The feel of someone's hand would be a welcomed comfort to me, I haddent felt the warm comforting feeling of another person for a very long time. Because I was shy, I had let it rule my life. Going to school wqith all these great personalities and not one of the aknowledgeing my existance. Iwas going to make a difference this new somester I was giving myself a makeover. From dull, strawberry hair that felt like straw to locks of wavy, soft, ruby hair. My wealthy grandparents paying for lazer eye sergery and I, I bought all the makeup I could with fifty dollars.


Misspelled - Hadn't, with, acknowledging, existence, I was, semester, laser, surgery, and I bought (no comma, and only one I)

My transformation had succeeded, fase two was to get the bad boy or the history teacher. I would become the sexiest girl around.


Phase

"Hi Ginger!" Caroline caught me in the corridor. "Hi, it's Ruby now. My names Ruby." She smiled, it was an empty smile. "Ruby, cool, I like it! So are you sitting with me at lunch?" I had been invited to join my dream, let through the pearly white gates and into the world of Caroline Forbes. Iknew this was only because of my new looks but it diddn't bother me, I would make other friends from this.


Every time a new person is speaking, that is a new paragraph. I.E.
"Hi Ginger!"
"Hi, it's Ruby now."
"Ruby, cool," I had been invited.... etc.

Misspelled - I knew, and didn't.

Double English lit and tripple Biology dragged on forever but the thought of a wonderful lunch set my mind on fire. "Hi, Rubes,we're over here!" It seemed that this time Caroline was despertate for me ! I sat next to her and on my other side sat an angel. His name, Stefan Salvatore, my compatition if I wanted him, Elena Gilbert. As conversation started about celebs and magazines I felt like I was sinking, still so far from the socially elite. "Don't worry, none of us get it either." Stefan had turned to me. I tried to smile. "Yeah, I'm not really a celeb chatting type." A boy across the table shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, neither are we. We were just talking about the latest range rover sport. Carolines dads just bought her one."


Triple, Desperate, competition, Caroline's. Once again, new paragraphs every time someone else speaks.

Finally, something that is still a little bit Ginger. I had vowed to never completely loose the Ginger in me, keep her spirit alive. After lunch was history, in this hour and a half I would attempt to subtaly woo Mr Saltzman. I wouldn't be rude, afterall his girlfriend had just died two weeks ago. I would just be extra sweet and nice. "Hello Ginger, makeover?" I smiled, not too much though. "Yes, and my name is Ruby now. Don't worry though I had time to revise for the topic test too." He aknowleged my little flirt and handed me the sheet.


Lose, subtly, after all, acknowledged. New paragraph for Ruby.

"Don't worry though I had time to revise for the topic test too."


I am thoroughly confused here. Maybe I am just not in this type of place where this is common language, but it does not make sense to me.

"Yesss!" Had I just shouted outloud and let Giger run free once more? "Glad to see your so exited about this topic Ruby. Please enlighten us all on the founding of Mystic Falls." I took in a big breath. "Well, it was founded by two families. The Lockwoods and The Salvatores, not forgetting their help in had mr Gilbert. Its said that a settlement of witches were here before us, and a rumor from my family, the Roberts, we were the servants to the Salvatores, vampires roamed the town; one in particular called Katherine Pierce." As he faced the board Mr Saltzman sighed deeply, had I hit a nerve? How could I, this was a history class it happened along time ago.


Out loud, Ginger, Mr. It's Salvatores. Vampires, and remember to start new paragraphs.

This whole paragraph is very rushed. I got lost while I was reading it. I did not understand why he sighed, or the entire monologue by Ruby. That needs a little bit of clean up.

The few that were now considered my friends grew warey of me, all their faces like they needed to ask a hundred questions. "Why don't you come with us all to Stefan's tonight Ruby? We wouldn't want to leave you out." I thought about it, Lucy wouldn't be home till ten so I accepted the offer. It was the end of my first dat as Ruby and it had gone swimmingly. Stepping into Carolines car I felt emensely important.


Wary, until or 'til (Till is a farm verb or an old, old version of until that would not be appropriate in this time setting) Day(? or date?), Caroline's, Immensely.

"Nice Gucci shoes, very red." Although the drive was tough in the rain she had managed to sneek a peek at my feet. "Wow how did you get thoes?" Gauped Bonnie. I had to think quickly, I had no idea they were Gucci or very good shoes at all. "Ummm, the internet?" Asilence fell in the car, I hadden't given them the answer they wanted.


Once again, new speaker, new paragraph. Sneak, those, (gawked or gaped maybe? Gauped is not a word), A silence, hadn't, torture.

Smoothly Carolines car pulled up against the old lodge where the Salvatores now lived. I felt compelled to enter the beautiful house. This was it, the moment I entered the house I would be one of them.


Caroline's. I think you could have found a better word to replace compelled.

Over all it was an interesting story. You are a talented writer. I like how you used a lot of dialogue, it put a lot of character and life into the story. You have a few grammatical problems, but that is an easy fix and is not absolutely important to understand the story. I would like to see more! At this point though, I do not see a lot of plot coming through or anything that might lead to a plot, except the part about Mystic Falls history and how the students are related to it. Maybe you will run with that? This chapter was a bit rushed, I felt like you could breath so much more into each scene.

I am sorry for the overly long review, I hope that you take this constructive criticism and put it to good use! Tell me when it is edited and when the next chapter is up!
"It is perfectly okay to write garbage – as long as you edit brilliantly" C.J. Cherryh
  





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Tue Jul 19, 2011 11:25 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



Ummm.........well you need to revise this because there is a LOT of grammar/spelling mistakes. Make sure to read over your work. Now....I hate to say it but I'm not completely into your story. Your lack of editing kinda supported that but I want to know more about Ginger.....who is she? Why does she want to be so popular? Why does she want this life? Analyze your story more because you probably have a good story but I bet it could be even more better if you weren't so quick to everything and took some time to be more descriptive. I kinda have the same problem. One piece of advice I was told was to keep a novel nearby. An exceptionally good one though so you can get sufficient help. Good luck and keep writing.
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You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
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