Young Writers Society

I'm Erica Carrie Chambers Auguste.I was 15 when I became an immortal.My sister,Isabell Elena Chambers Auguste,is an immortal too.We have been immortal for 150 years & counting.We've been immortaled by a gentleman/our new brother named,Damen Dolan Auguste. This is how it all was started.Back in England,my sister & I were rich land owners.Our sister Alyson Faith Chambers,a beautiful blonde hair green eyed girl who want to explore the world age 19,was married to,the queens oldest son,Edward Myers. We were 15 & 16 then.Damen was a good friend of our family,he was around us alot.One day he heard there was a bad sickness going around.He told Isabell & I to drink a tea he made himself."I'm not drinking that",Isabell said demandingly,"I'm not.I do'nt turst you."I looked at her,as she glared at Damen."I will,"I said as I pushed my chair back & walked toward Damen."I will because he's right about alot of things",I say taking his hand & holding it tightly.Isabell looked at me as if I were crazy,her red lips pressed together like they do when she starts to think hard about something. "Fine,I'll drink your red tea you think will keep us well",she said as she took the last sip of her green tea.She stood up,pushed her dark brown hair out of her face,then took Damen's other hand."We have to hury though",he said looking stright ahead,"It may came this afternoon".We rushed out to a cariage,Damen took the rains,& we rushed away. We stoped at a large home he lived in.A gigantic stone three story high home with a tower on the back corner of the house."O my god this is all yours,"I say looking at Damen when he is tieing the horses.He pushed his black hair back & smiled noding his head.I look at Isabell who has walked up beside me,while she smoothed down her lilac gown that flowed ever so beautifuly in the gentle winds. He walked us in,guideing us to some guest rooms."Why will we be needing guest rooms?"Isabell ask gazeing at beautiful pantings of Damen."The illness may stick around so your parents ask me to make sure nothing happens to you two.",his says looking back at us,"They were not sure how fast it would come to the town.So you two will be staying at Hotel de Damen",he said as we followed behind. He took Isabell to a room decoreated in black,off white,& peach.He ushered me to an elegant room filled with crimson,maroon,& gold furniture.I went to the closet,it was fill with Marie Antonette gowns.One was a black,corset gown trimed in marron & gold.The bed had a blanket on top that was black,marron roses,&gold vine desine all over. "Supper will be surved at 7 see you then",he said smiling at me.I nod and say "See you then" I turn around right after I say it.I picked out a white gown,gold trim,& 3/4 sleeves.My hair in a sufistacated updo,but not as sufistacated as Maries.Isabell wore a royal blue gown,sliver floral desine all over.Her dark hair was down with a sliver pin in it. "Wow you two look,ravashing",he says fixing his hair.I look at Isabell,who's now blushing,take Damen's hand,gentle glide across the floor,&sit down in the chair he pulled out.He walked back over toward me,his black eyes gaze into my green ones."May I",he says softly,still gazeing at me."I would be honored",I say the same way Alyson does to Edward.I walk beside him as he leads the way.

I must say that so far it seems kind of charming, but you shouldn't abuse of adjectives. Keep spacing in mind, because your chapter is just a huge paragraph, and for what read, you should have at least five.
Never forget grammar, I'm not a grammar fanatic (I consider myself bad at it) but there are some errors that are kind of obvious. I'm not sure why you used & instead of "and" but I think it would be easier to understand if you didn't, you also switched from past to present-tense narrative more than one time, something to keep in mind.
Outside of this, it was interesting. Keep the good work and I'm sure your next chapter will be a way better

Sorry about the lack of spaceing. I pre-typed all of it and Paste and Copyed it on to this site. Before I pressed submit it was still spaced so I don't know what exactly happened. Sorry

Don't worry, I commit lazy errors pretty often XD, once posted my poem in a totally wrong section.

Hahaha I actually almost did that puting up my story xD

wooohow.

First glance.. o_O

Readers won't even try to read it. Break it up (paragraphs). It's bad for the eyes.

I'm sorry, but that's the first "huge" thing i noticed. Usually, I continue to read things when they look good from first glance up to the part that I am reading the first parts.

The introduction or the sypnosis especially. Yours looked pretty obvious, and it may bore the reader. Try something that makes your work much more open to others, like not letting them know they are immortals first. Describe what they can do better. That'll make your work prettier.

I'll come back to read of I see this in the "ok" form. At least, I would not feel dead from first glance. Try to edit it.

That's all.

Umm......to tell you the truth....some readers are not going to take your writing seriously. Some people might actually look down at it and think that it's some serious case of amateur writing. I understand that image varies among authors because different authors portray their writing differently but yet again....it's still appealing to the eye. Make some space for dialogue and this chapter....is one word. RUSHED. Try to introduce the characters at least and don't give us unnecessary detail about how she does her hair. I have done the same thing and believe me....that just bores the reader. You need to show why the reader should be interested. I could be interested if you hadn't rushed it. Some parts of it need some looking over because you made a few grammar mistakes. If you need help with image.....get a nearby book and...you don't have to copy...but put it in the format as if you're reading it from a book. You probably worked hard on this but it needs some twerking. Like I said....introduce the characters...explain how the main character becomes an immortal...but not actually reveal it in the first chapter if you want the reader to be a little curious. Stretch out your story a little. There's nothing like some good context. But keep writing.

your plot is a good one, it sounds very interesting, but you do have a few problems.
1. Your story is very historically inacurat. I don't think you reall understand what time period is. In the united states, it was right before the civil war. You need to understand, the time period your thinking of is VERY uneventful. the clothes are colorles. The people are unintresting. I suggest the 1790's, where the clothes were more extravagent and the wemon had a little more freedom. Also wemon at this time period did not own property, unless they were widows. And if the girls' parents are both dead, they would be put in a school for young girls.

2.Go into more DEPTH. You only brush on the backround story of your charecters, when in reality, this is the most important part. Tell us more about their family, their place in society. Tell us more about Damen, who he is, where he came from. What he looks like!!! Does your main charecter have feelings for him, Tell us more!

3.And finally, your beggining. You can't just jump into the story like that. you need to lower us in gently. Just go back through and add more in.

Ok. So, I caught a lot of mistakes. Like the other reviewers said, its pretty crucial to add paragraphs and spacings. The readers see it and their eyes already glaze over. I want to read it but the way it doesn't have the adequate spacing and all throws me off. (Don't forget indents too!

I'm Erica Carrie Chambers Auguste. I was 15 when I became an immortal. My sister, Isabell Elena Chambers Auguste, is an immortal too (Maybe re-word this to: "My sister, Isabell Elena Chambers Auguste is also an immortal.. We have been immortal (Don't repeat the word so much. You could put, "We have been this way for..." instead of repeating.) for 150 years & counting. We've been immortaled(The readers are most likely sick of this word now. :/ ) by a gentleman/our new brother named, Damen Dolan Auguste. This is how it all was started. Back in England, my sister & I were rich land owners. Our sister Alyson Faith Chambers, a beautiful blonde hair(ed,) green eyed girl who want(ed) to explore the world at age 19. (Run on sentence) was married to,(unneeded comma) the queens oldest son; Edward Myers. We were 15 & 16 then. Damen was a good friend of our family, he was around us alot. One day he heard there was a bad sickness going around. He told Isabell & I to drink a tea he had made himself.
"I'm not drinking that.(The comma isn't needed here. Add a period." Isabell said demandingly (Not a good choice of words. How about: "Isabell said defiantly."), "I'm not.I don't trust you." I looked at her,(Another comma that doesn't need to be placed here) as she glared at Damen. (Also, her reaction to wanting Isabell to drink the tea throws everybody off. Did you not say that Damen was a good friend of the family? You should explain what he did to lose her trust...)
"I will," I said(say) as I pushed(push) my chair back & walked(walk) toward Damen. "I will because he's right about a lot(You should use the word many. A lot is too simple a word to be used in the time era that this takes place from. 'Of' is not needed here. --->) of things," I say, taking his hand & holding it tightly. Isabell looked at me as if I were crazy, her red lips pressed together like they do when she starts to think hard about something. (Run on sentence. "Her red lips pressed tightly together, a habit she has whenever she thinks hard of something," would be better.
"Fine. I'll drink you're red tea which you so profoundly think will keep us well" she said (Avoid saying 'said' too many times) as she took the last sip of her green tea. She stood up, pushed her dark brown hair out of her face, then took Damen's other hand.
"We have to hurry though," he said, looking stright ahead."It may came(come) this afternoon." We rushed out to a carriage. Damen took the rains & we rushed away. We stopped at a large home he lived in. A gigantic stone three story high home with a tower on the back corner of the house. (Explain this more. I can barely visualize it.)
"Oh my god, this is all yours."I say, looking at Damen when he is tieing the horses. He pushed his black hair back & smiled noding his head. I look at Isabell who has walked up beside me, while she smoothed down her lilac gown that flowed ever so beautifuly in the gentle winds. He walked us in, guiding us to some guest rooms.
"Why will we be needing guest rooms?" Isabell ask(ed), gazing at beautiful pantings of Damen.
"The illness may stick around so your parents ask(ed) me to make sure nothing happens to you two. They were not sure how fast it would come to the town so you two will be staying at Hotel de Damen," he said as we followed behind. He took Isabell to a room decorated in black, off white, & peach. He ushered me to an elegant room filled with crimson, maroon, & gold furniture. I went to the closet to find that it was filled with Marie Antonette gowns. One was a black corset gown trimed in marron & gold.The bed had a blanket on top that was black, maroon roses, & a gold vine desine all over.
"Supper will be served at 7. See you then." He smiled at me.
I nod and say, "See you then." I turn around right after I say it. I picked out a white gown, gold trim, & 3/4 sleeves. My hair in a sufistacated (Sophisticated) updo, but not as sophisticated as Maries. Isabell wore a royal blue gown, sliver floral desine all over. Her dark hair was down with a sliver pin in it.
"Wow you two look ravashing," he says while fixing his hair. I look at Isabell who is now blushing. I take Damen's hand, gently glide across the floor, &sit down in the chair he had pulled out. He walked back over toward me, his black eyes gaze into my green ones.
"May I?" he says softly, still gazing at me.
"I would be honored," I say the same way Alyson does to Edward. I walk beside him as he leads the way. (Didn't she just sit down? And what was he asking permission for?)

I hope you don't take this the wrong way. My only goal is to help you out and give as much advise as I'm capable of giving. Heres some tips for the next time you write:
-Add more detail to the surroundings. I have no sense of where they are, the time era, etc.
-Give your characters more personality. Right now they are just bland figures in a story.
-Explain things a little more. You may get it but the readers don't. Make sure to look at you're story from a different person's point of view. I have the same problem
-Last, remember the grammer. Avoid repeating words over and over again. (Such as 'said'.) As for the spelling, you can always use Microsoft or an online spell checker to make sure you're words are spelled correctly. It distracts the reader from the story.

-CookEmonster
Hope you find this useful! PM me if you need help with anything.

I like the names of the characters, they're interesting. xD But the grammar and phrasing is rather weak... Either way, it sounds like an interesting story idea, but it would be much easier to read and understand once it was spaced properly, lol.