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Guiding of the Lost Souls: Chapter One



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Sat Mar 05, 2005 11:16 pm
Kay Kay says...



Chapter One:
“Well, I’ll be darned,” commented a voice from behind me. “If it isn’t Ashlee Amber Hauterive.”
Now, I’ll be honest with you. When I hear the voice of a guy who sounds cute, I pay attention. Just because I have a boyfriend doesn’t change the fact that I’m eighteen. That voice, for sure caught my attention, and for unknown reasons.
A thought popped up in my head. Where is Pete? Peter Cullers, the pitcher for the Ocean View Sharks, had been my boyfriend for the past two years. I pushed the thought from my mind, and locked the lock on my locker. Then, I turned around to face the hottie who had addressed me. I even smiled.
Why shouldn’t I show off my teeth? After all, I had just gotten my braces removed. My senior year was braces free.
It wasn’t until I turned around to face the hottie that my smile dropped. I became startled. In fact, I was completely stunned to the point where I forgot how to breathe for a few seconds.
I’m guessing he saw my surprise and confusion for his perfect smile of white teeth on his good-looking face fell.
“Ash,” he said; his voice filled with worry. “Breathe.”
The light was reflecting off his spiked brown hair, his blue eyes serious, and his glistening white teeth against his tan. Just like in the dreams of white fog and falling. “I’m new here, and you can’t even give me a hey?”
I continued to stare at him in awe, speechless. What is he doing here? Why is he here? How did he get here? Who is he and how the heck does he know my name?
The thing was, I couldn’t follow my first impulse and run down the hall screaming. I mean people tend to talk about girls who run from the new guy screaming at the top of her lungs. Which I did not want since my reputation would be down the drain.
Instead, I took my second impulse and just walked past him casually. It was as if he read my mind, for his hand shot out and grabbed my arm as I went to pass him. I froze stunned.
Right then, I could have gone off and slugged him, but that might have turned a few heads in my direction. I hadn’t been one of the most feared girls in my old school for nothing. Why do you think my mom transferred me to a school across the country almost 3 years ago?
Once again, my reputation was in the way. I mean what would my friends down the hall think if I freaking pummeled the new guy. Then, there is the fact that if I took a swing that he might swing back.
Finally, I found my voice and said, “Release my arm.”
“Ash,” he said, slightly smiling. “What’s wrong? You don’t seem to be happy to see me.”
“Still not releasing my arm.”
Irritated, I yanked my arm free from his grasp, and glared. Startled, he let his arm fall to his side. “Listen, I’m sorry the way we met didn’t exactly go very well.”
The dream f the fog in my memories came back to mind and his laugh. Something, which I cannot recall, told me that he knew something I didn’t; something worth knowing.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. Sure, my life is a little unique…okay so it is above unique, but did this have to happen? I mean here it is, a normal mid August day and yet the man of my dreams as it were, was here in front of me.
I blinked several times, but I was fully awake, and this was really happening to me.
“Who the heck are you?” I asked sternly. He simply said, “The man of your dreams.”
“I’m serious!”
“Devon Montgomery.”
“Well, Devon Montgomery, what the heck is so funny?” I asked him, glaring.
“The fact that I know something you don’t,” he answered. I knew it.
I let out a fake laugh and flatly replied, “Hilarious.”
My sarcasm caused him to frown. “Can’t we start over?” Devon asked, practically pleading.
“No, in fact, you had better stay away from me.”
He seemed to find this very amusing. “Or what?” he asked, showing that perfect white teeth smile again.
“Or you’ll regret it,” I added with a threatening tone.
“Oh.” His eyes going wide with mock terror. “You’ll sic your boyfriend on me.”
I couldn’t believe that he had just said that. “No…how on earth do you know that I have a boyfriend?”
Devon simply shook his head smiling. He was obviously enjoying this.
“Fine,” I sneered. “Don’t tell me.”
With that, I began to walk past him, but he grabbed my hand. His cold fingers dug into my hand. Ignoring the pain that had just entered my body, I turned back to him asking, “What do you want now?”
Instead of giving me an answer he pulled me back in front of him.
“Devon, we’re going to be late.”
He let go of my hand asking, “Why are you with that creep anyway?”
“What? Pete is not a creep,” I said defensively.
“So why are you with him?”
“I love him.”
“No, you don’t,” Devon stated as matter of fact. “You’re only with him so that you can keep this reputation that you’ve built.”
I was absolutely stunned and had to know how he knew this information. “How do you know that?”
Instead of answering my question, he said, “Here comes your boyfriend.”
Pete approached us, and planted a kiss on my lips. Then, he turned to Devon. “Who are you?” he asked the guy standing in front of me.
I silently prayed that Devon wouldn’t say anything stupid; like my secrets. It was then that it occurred to me how he knew them. He had read my soul. That meant…
Instead, he extended one of his large, tan hands in Pete’s direction, and stated, “I’m Devon Montgomery.”
Devon Montgomery isn’t the kind of name to strike terror, but he was in all my dreams. I had a reason to be alarmed to the point that I was absolutely terrified.
“Pete Cullers,” my boyfriend said shaking his hand. “You must be new here.”
“My first day.” Paused. “Luckily, I already happen to know Ashlee Amber.”
No one, I mean no one called me Ashlee Amber. I didn’t allow anyone to call me anything but Ash or something along those lines. Well, except teachers and my parents. And Pete knew it. Looking at me, he asked, “Did you two go to the same school at one time or something?”
“No,” I answered quickly. “We didn’t.”
“Ash and I have known each other for years…we go way back,” Devon informed him with a smile of all knowing.
Oh, gosh please don’t tell him what we are, my insides were screaming. Devon and I had a lot more in common than I was comfortable admitting. It was obvious. Was he purposely showing me that?
The tardy bell rang, but neither of us moved a muscle. Pete was still getting over the whole Ashlee Amber thing, and I was making sure that Devon didn’t say anything.
Suddenly, he said, “You won’t find them in here.”
I didn’t have the slightest idea what he was talking about. Honestly, I didn’t want to know. Pete stood there perplexed as I was. I knew at any moment he was going to start asking questions that I wouldn’t dare answer. Still even though I didn’t want to know, I heard myself asking, “Find what?”
“The answers you are looking for…if you know what I mean.”
Now, I knew what he was talking about. My gift…his gift. The gift that he seemed to know more about than I ever could. Since neither of us said anything, Devon continued casually. “When you’re ready to hear the truth, you know where to find me.”
Then, he gave me a wink and walked away, leaving Pete and I there.
“Ashlee.” Pete asked, “What the heck was he talking about?”
“You’ll have to excuse him…he’s high,” I lied.
I couldn’t tell him the truth. In fact, I couldn’t tell anyone. Devon was sadly the only other person in the world who knew…and sadly, that was only because he shared the same gift.
Just my luck, Devon was in my class, and his seat was right behind mine.
“Hey, Ash.” He whispered, “Guess what?”
“What?” I asked irritably.
“We’re in all the same classes.”
“Joy,” I muttered under my breath.
“Guess what else?”
“What?”
“Pete is cheating on you with Megan Revness…you know your best friend.”
I turned around in my chair to face him. “What?!” I whispered angrily.
“I read his soul…you know you should try it sometime.”
Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
--La Rochedoucauld

"An unexamined life is not worth living..."
---Socraties
  





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Sun Mar 06, 2005 12:04 am
Ego says...



Lovely. Simply lovely. I like the way you present the characters, especially in the opening lines. I think, however, that your dialogue could use some work. The language is too precise for high schoolers to use, even if they are super smart. I would also like to know more about this guy she with, this Devon guy. All we get is a name. No description of his physical features.

Somethin else: "I locked the lock on my locker?" that's really brutal to read...


Pretty cool so far!

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Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





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Sun Mar 06, 2005 3:55 pm
Firestarter says...



Okay, that was really, really great. I'm not in a critiquing mood so I'm not gonna go through editing it, I'm sure you can read any problems yourself. It's wonderful at the moment. I agree it might need a bit more description mixed in with the dialogue to set the scene a little better.

I need more!
  








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