z

Young Writers Society


Dragonmaster Chapter 13: Reunion



User avatar
102 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2973
Reviews: 102
Sat Jun 11, 2011 5:07 pm
DakotaK says...



It was dark by the time I stumbled through the high brass gates of Wayd. I hadn’t the slightest idea where Victor might be so I paid for a nights stay at an Inn called Maingate Inn. It was near the entrance of Wayd, and I hoped I might catch him before he left, but doubted it very much. I should never have detoured to Ted’s place at all. I had learned little and nothing to concern myself about. It was Ted’s own problem if he had abandoned his true love, not mine.
I was trudging up the steep wooden stair case, my mind filled with thoughts as the stairs groaned and moaned, when I saw the billboard. A face that seemed utterly familiar was pasted up carefully to the board. I sauntered over to it and stared. There was a small printed warning below the picture.


Gazenlag
Former High Magician in the King, his Majesty’s Court, has rebelled and left to find his daughters on his own. If anyone has seen or heard of his whereabouts the King must be informed immediately. Gazenlag is a very powerful and dangerous Wizard.


Gazenlag, father of the two mysterious girls that had disappeared, I recognized his pale features, slender form, and large blue eyes which were reflected in his daughter. He looked slightly older than when I had seen him in Imari’s dreams.
I took the poster down slowly, making sure the Inn Keeper didn’t notice, and then stuffed it in my pocket for safe keeping. Trudging back up the protesting stairs, I slipped the key into the rusted door knob on room one zero two.

The door squeaked open and I let out a sigh of disgust. The bedroom was dirty and the small oil lamp cast a sickly glow over the browned floor and covers, withering from age. I sighed once more then wrapped my cloak around myself and flopped onto the bed. It was flat and had so many lumps I wondered if it was a mouse nest. I rolled off the bed and spent the rest of the sleepless night tossing and turning on the dust covered floor. My wound was now just a small, annoying pain thankfully, but still I couldn’t sleep.



“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.”
I yawned and opened my eyes, I’d finally managed to fall asleep, I guess. I rolled over and stared. I had to be dreaming. Victor was standing there, leaning carelessly against the wall, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets against the fall chill.
“Victor? But how did you find me?” I sat up and grabbed by bag. My back was an ocean of pain, as I’d forgot about Valsephony and lain on her in my sleep.
“Never mind that, I’m still curious how you managed to stay alive for a moon without me being able to find you. I did all sorts of location spells and stuff, I couldn’t hone in on you though, I thought you were dead, Zavier.” He grabbed me by the back of my shirt and dragged me up into standing position. I yelped in pain as he rammed his arm against my side.
“Sorry, Zavier, I was just trying to help. . .” I shoved him off, rubbing my aching back.
“Don’t worry about it.” A question crossed my mind so I decided to inquire of Victor. “Were you there when Earl stabbed me?” He looked at me quizzically and shook his head.
“Let’s talk over a bowl of soup and a warm morning beer in celebration that you’re alive, eh?” I glared at him, how much had he been drinking while I’d been away?
“The soup sounds good, no beer though. It’s bad for you, Victor; you don’t need to become a drunk.” He lowered his eyes then followed me as I pushed past him and we headed downstairs. The Inn keeper smiled at me before waving me out, knowing I’d already paid last night.
“Where to, Victor?” I gazed around at the bustling morning crowd and Victor motioned for me to follow. He headed off into the crowded morning streets, seeming to know every inch of the town and what it had to offer. He led me down Main Street, past bakeries; the heavenly scent steaming from the chimneys was breath taking. We also passed up fancy restaurants and different small stores that I was sure held decent breakfasts. Victor passed by them all, oblivious to my rumbling belly. Ted’s half bowl of soup had done little to fill my aching stomach and I had worn it off on the long trip back to Wayd, anyhow. Victor waved to a few people and for the most part; they returned the hand motion. It seemed that Victor had gathered quite the attention in my absence.
He finally turned off onto a small dimly lit alleyway and turned to face a crumbling brick building. He tugged on the brass door knob, opening a door which looked like it was covered in troll skin. It was dimly lit inside and filled with the jabber of many people. It was a Pub.
My insides churned uncomfortably as Victor led me through the mass of chattering people. Everyone ignored us as we passed.
He yanked me over to a corner booth and shoved me in a seat. “Gee, Zavier, you seem scared out of your wits.” I shook my head.
“That’s not a very good way of greeting someone you just thought was dead. To tell you the truth, I hate Pubs. I’ve seen what ale does to people and it gets scary.”
Victor shrugged. “Beats dying from drinking filthy water,” he muttered. I suddenly remembered we had been lucky enough to have a spring at home.
“It’s not such a bad sort of place.” He looked at me questioningly before waving a waiter over. The man was thin as a stick and his eyes were set way to close together on his face for comfort.
“Two bowls of pork stew, each with a glass of Dragon Rumbullion, please.” The guy quickly scribbled down Victor’s order and left us alone.
“So, I’ll ask a question, you answer it, then you can ask a question and I’ll answer it.” I looked Victor in the eyes to make sure this arrangement would work then started. “Alright, so how did you find me at the inn?” He smiled.
“Simple, I’ve been sending out hopeless location spells ever since the day you disappeared. They’re cheap and easy to use. It was my last one and I was sure it wouldn’t find anything when it came zooming back carrying your address.Maingate Inn Room One Zero Two.
“I found the address and stormed up those ancient stairs. Once I found your room I knocked the handle off the door and found you sleeping on that filthy floor. Gee man, you couldn’t pay me to do that.” He flicked some scum out from under one of his fingernails then continued.
“Alright, my question now. Where the heck have you been hiding this entire moon without anyone being able to find you?” I sighed and knew Victor would hate the answer as much as I did.
“I don’t know, Victor. I just remember falling and someone picked me up and then I think I fainted. I woke up yesterday in a small clearing in the forest about a half days journey from Wayd. There was a girl named Sage there. I think she was the one who carried me off and took care of me all those weeks but I’m not sure. Up until the second I woke up I didn’t even know I’d been gone more than two days!” For some odd reason he didn’t argue, he just nodded his head slowly. Not waiting for me to ask my question he spoke.
“I wasn’t there by the dragon when you were hurt. It was late and the party goers were starting to leave when I started looking around for you. I’d seen the dragon escape earlier but I wasn’t too concerned, it’s not that uncommon. When I couldn’t find you I asked around and finally found this girl who’d watched the entire thing. She said that Earl had stabbed you in the side and you had fallen and were laying there bleeding when this troll girl, half troll half girl, came and scooped you up and carried you off.
“The girl who told me this broke down. She just started crying all over me, saying the troll was probably going to eat you. She gave me this letter for you. She said to give it to you if I ever saw you again. . .” He pulled a crumpled envelope from his pocket and passed it over the table to me. I attempted to rip it open, realizing it was from Dal. While I was struggling with the hastily smeared wax sealing, the skinny waiter finally brought our food.
I quickly took a spoonful of the warm soup. It was average tasting but at least it was warm. I used the steam to heat the clear colored wax and opened the letter.

Dear Zavier,

I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to speak to you again. After today and Earl’s attack I know you will probably die. I write this letter anyway, holding onto the sliver of hope that you will live and I will see you again. I was hoping to tell you this in person, thinking I would get the chance to see you during the party after our quick reunion in the carriage, but I suppose I was wrong. I approach my fourteenth birthday, Zavier. Father can’t wait until I turn sixteen so he can marry me off. Anyhow, he’s been in an uproar ever since you left. He has hired a servant boy to do all the work and trains Earl every day in the barn. To pay for the servant he hired me out to a family across the moorlands. You probably know them from school, the Wreeds. They are a large family of six boys, the middle aged one of fifteen is the one they ‘traded’ for me. His name is Fiver and he is the only one in the family who has any manners, that is why they sent him away to our house. Anyways, the boys have no respect for any personal boundaries. They shove me around, yank on my braids and call me such horrible names. Karl is the worst. I remember you used to tell us how horrible he was to you at school. I do my best though and at least they do not complain about the food. I was hesitant in telling you this for fear you would come home to try and help me. Zavier, trust me, coming home would be the worst thing you could possibly do right now, even if that were an option for you.
Thank you for the Kitten, she is absolutely gorgeous! I have named her Willow. I hope you will get to read this letter, Zavier, in other words I hope you are alive.
Dal


Victor was scraping his bowl clean by the time I finished the letter. Poor Dal, this was all my fault, if I hadn’t left, this whole thing never would have happened at all. I remembered the scene I had seen in the puddle in my dream and shivered, fearful for my sisters. I spooned more of the stew into my mouth then picked the bowl up and drank the rest, draining it all quickly.
“That’s pretty good, Victor.” He nodded, sipping slowly on his Rumbullion.
“Alright Zavier, you ask a question now.” He continued to sip the frothy liquid and I decided on my next question.
“Alright, so what have you been doing for this past moon?” He smiled as he sucked up a froth of bubbles and coughed.
“Earning some dough.” He held up a gold coin and I gasped, choking on my own drink. It wasn’t every day you saw a gold piece.
Victor smiled sheepishly. “It’s pretty easy to get these things around here. You could bus tables for a while at the pub down town and earn five silvers a day. Or do what I did and while bussing tables watch out for Kings Men. Then you send the prettiest girl you can find in the group of maids to treat the man to free drinks, thus getting him drunker than a hog in mud. My last round yesterday I paid Shenny two silvers to keep bringing the Kings man his beer, telling him that it was free. It was cheap stuff and I ended up paying for it, all to my advantage.”
Victor leaned back and smiled. “The man took to it like a match to fire and he was so drunk he couldn’t think straight. I made him mad and asked if he would gamble me. Sure enough he did, we played a game of cards. He lost easily and I took the three gold pieces. Pretty impressive, huh?” He held up three shining pieces of gold. I was disgusted.
“So instead of becoming the honorable wizard you used to be, you went to be a pub bus boy and gambler!” My voice rose, wiping the grin off of Victor’s face quickly.
“So what, you’re not happy we now have more money, I have money?” Victor seemed confused and I sighed.
“It’s not like that, man, gambling is just a waste of money and it puts you in the wrong crowd of people, Victor.” He glared at me before finishing off his drink.
“I’ll go pay for the meal with my dirty gold, meet me outside when you’re done!” He stomped off to the front counter. I sipped the warm frothy drink but didn’t have the heart to finish it. Why had I said anything at all? It was Victor’s choice, not mine.
I met him outside and slapped a hand heavily onto his shoulder in a friendly sort of way. “Forget I said anything, Victor, I shouldn’t have. We’re still friends right?” He looked at me then slowly smiled.
“’Course we are, we still have to go find your girlfriends, anyhow. I wouldn’t want to miss that.” I hit him in the arm and we laughed and joked the whole way to the gate where we waved goodbye to the guards and returned to our journey once again.






He has survived and is alive! Better yet, He is coming. At last! Finally we will meet in person. The time draws nearer every moment and I cannot calm my excitement as my spirit soars and my mind wanders. She is also happy. She spoke to me today, She has not done that in a long time. At last we are on the road to recovery. The only thing that dampens this sheer Hope is that the Dark One has now begun his search and we are still in grave danger.





Last edited by DakotaK on Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 2647
Reviews: 313
Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:10 pm
TylynRae says...



Ah, the last of the Part One =]. Okay, I think this is a pretty good ending, but I think there should just be a hint more of intensity in it. I mean... they're on their way to the climax of the story! Intensity needs to build us up just a bit more for part 2. Very nicely done through out all of your chapters. It took me forever to read them all, and then to hunt them all down again and comment, but it was worth it. I usually don't read fantasy but you did very well =] Now on to part 2!
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)
  





User avatar
1125 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 53415
Reviews: 1125
Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:35 pm
View Likes
StellaThomas says...



Hey Dakota! This is a long one :o

I. NITPICKS

I hoped I might catch him before he left, but doubting it very much. I should never have detoured to Ted’s place at all. I had learned little and nothing to concern myself about. It was Teds own problem if he had abandoned his true love, not mine.


doubted, and Ted's.

“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.” I yawned and opened my eyes,


line break after the speech, I think, might make it look better. Also- yay! Victor! I'd missed him.
Everyone ignored us as we passed them


full stop at the end here.

“That’s not a very good way of greeting someone you just thought was dead. To tell you the truth, I hate Pubs. I’ve seen what alcohol does to people and it gets scary.” Victor shrugged.


What I'm questioning here is that in the sort of fantasy world we're talking about, a lot of the time alcohol was a lot safer to drink than water. Also, "alcohol" seems an oddly modern word here in context.

To pay for the servant he hired me out to a family across the moorlands.


I'm puzzled. I thought his family were rich. Maybe I'm just lost. But if they're rich, why would they sell their own daughter?

I hope you will get to read this letter, Zavier, in other words I hope you are alive.


It strikes me that if she thought he was dead, her letter would be more of a gushing of her own emotions and not a correspondence of "So, hey, here what's going on with me right now."

II. OVERALL

I feel like you're losing momentum. While Victor's back and things are rolling once more, we're still not entirely back into the action-packed swing of the sequence with the dragon. While as a piece of writing this is sound, I can't see, again, what greater purpose it is serving. Every time you write a scene, think of what way it's going to push your plot forward, or change the character's point of view. If it's not doing either, well, you need to rethink a little.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





User avatar
2631 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
Sat Nov 05, 2011 8:33 pm
Rydia says...



Hai. Time for thirteen, unlucky for some huh? Let's see how you fare...

Specifics

1. I think the ketter could be stronger, more emotional, more thought out. She thinks he's dead and she w rites about herself so much? No. It's too long windedly selfish to be honest and there isn't enough emphasis on the 'I hope you're not dead' part. Also, a kitten? Really? What was he going to do with it if he didn't happen to bump into them? That is no the sort of gift you buy on a whim.

2. Thise end parts are getting repetetive and annoying again. All they ever seem to say is that he's coming and to be honest, I just skim read them now. If you actually had a full scene with these mysterious characters, that would be far more intriguing and interesting by my way of thinking. It's impossible to care anything for them whehn all we get is the same lines over and over again and no imge to add with them, no sense of where they are.

Overall

This chapter was okay. It's still not as strong as your earlierr ones, but there was some casual dialogue going on there and it works. I am a little unsure about why Dal is having such a bad time though. The amily have money now that Earl is famous so whhat's going on? I think yoou need to either re-work that or make it clearer. Is it becauuse her father's greedy or because he genuinely doesn't like having his daughters around and would rather have somebody else's boy to take care of than his own girl? What confuses me most is you made it very cllear that Dal was the family cook so it makes no sense that her father would send her away. He'd get rid of one of the younger girls instead. That was how it always worked. The oldest would take care of the house and any others were expendable.

I've not really much else to add. The chapter fllows pretty okay and we get a few answers and things so yeah, not bad but maybe make that first scene a litle more tense or something. Make it unclear as to who is in his room at first so we can havve a littlle action, fear for yoour MC's life and then get the happy reunion.

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  








Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle