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The Sacred Ones



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Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:06 pm
AlyKat says...



It was midnight, June 11th, 1993. Anne Childs had been in labor for over eight hours and was nearing death. She had her twin sister Clara and her loving husband Christopher at her side. Anne’s screams echoed in the tiny cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was a one room cabin that was barely enough for one person, let alone three.
Anne had refused to go to a hospital the day before. She knew if she did, they would find her child and slaughter them both. The unborn child was her fourth. Her other three were mysteriously killed in a massive fire the year before. The fire department discovered it wasn’t an accident, but it was on purpose. Anne dreads the day that brings the demons.
Anne knew if she didn’t give birth soon, both her and the child would perish. She managed one last push before her soul departed.
Clara took up the baby and took outside to be cleaned. The only ones left in the house were Christopher and his wife’s limp body.
“Oh my love finally we have another child!” Christopher exclaimed with a twinkle in his normally dull eyes. He waited for his wife to agree with the same enthusiasm, but her soulless body no longer could make sound. He waited several seconds but still, no answer. His mind went blank. Without Anne he would die. He went to the window near the bed and stared out. His mind will never be the same.
By now Clara had come back in with the child, now pink and clean. The poor thing was wailing at the top of her lungs wanting to be with Anne.
“Congratulations my dear sister, you….” She trailed off, noticing Christopher’s stillness. The tension in the room was worse than a taunt rope. She deduced that he was just nervous about the child.
She walked to the bed and held out the child.
“Come now my dear, it’s a beautiful baby girl”, she said sweetly. For she had not noticed Anne’s limp body. Yet she still placed the girl upon Anne’s chest.
“Get that thing off my wife”, Christopher said between clenched teeth. “This is her fault. That kid made my one true love depart earth.”
Clara barely had time to move the child before he ran full charge right towards her and the baby.
“Christopher control yourself!” Clara screamed trying to shield the baby. “It’s not the child’s fault; you mustn’t blame her!”
But her words had no effect. Christopher took his shot gun off the mantle and aimed straight at Clara’s head.
“As long as you protect that thing, you’re the enemy. And shit, I shoot my enemies.” He said through clenched teeth.
Clara ran towards the bed and laid the child upon Anne’s breast. She then stood to face her fate. She’d rather die trying to save her niece then watch Christopher slaughter his own flesh and blood.
“Then shoot me. See what good that does.” Clara said in a shaky, strong voice.
A single shot went off and Clara fell to the floor grasping at the hole in her chest. Even in her state, Clara sent a prayer to any gods that were listening to help protect the girl.
Soon after Clara’s soul left her body. Now it was just Christopher, and his child.
“I don’t care if you’re my child, you killed my wife. Now you’re gonna die.” He said with pure hate burning in his eyes.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

It was the same every day in Olympus. The minor gods and goddesses served their parents and the other major gods.
The prayer boards had been dead lately, so Hermes and his helpers snuck out to lunch early.
Hebe had just finished helping her mother Hera when she saw a single light flashing furiously on the board. She approached it cautiously, and read the message. It was for, well, anyone that could help. The minute she finished reading, she ran and began her search for Artemis.
“Diana, Diana where are you?” She screamed over and over again while running around the palace. But she had no idea where to look.
Artemis was trying her hardest to concentrate on the miniature bull’s-eye on the other side of the courtyard. But over and over again she heard her name called out.
She pulled her arm back and prepared to shoot when a young girl stepped in front of her target. As soon as the girl spotted Diana, she ran to her as swiftly as she could.
“Hebe! What is it girl!” The goddesses said with annoyance, “And I’ve told you, call me Artemis, not Diana.”
“I….I know but this is an emergency! The message board, there’s a message and I think it’s for you.” Hebe replied nervously.
Artemis pondered on this for a minute. Hardly anyone prayed for the gods anymore. Why now?
“Okay. Go retrieve my bow and arrows. We shall leave soon.” Artemis said definitely.
Hebe moved to let her pass before running up the steps to retrieve what she asked for. Artemis then went to the prayer board to see who the heck this was from.
She took deliberate strides across the courtyard towards the pavilion that contained the prayer board. She let no one stop her. She had a bad feeling about this.
As soon as she arrived she sat down in the chair so examine the message.
“He’s going to kill us all! Please, whoever receives this prayer, protect my dead sisters’ child. She’s to valuable to die. PLEASE!”
Artemis had the feeling that this child did indeed, prove of value to the gods. She then ran to prepare her chariot for departure. She harnessed her, six golden-horned deer to her golden chariot and awaited Hebe’s return.
The child arrived and Artemis took her bow and arrows from her.
“It is too dangerous for you to accompany me. Please, tell my brother that I will be gone for a while”, the goddess said with no expression on her face.
She then began her journey down to earth to what was sure to be worse than hell.
Oompa Loompa something something something :)
  





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Fri Dec 09, 2011 9:52 pm
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martymaymonroe says...



this is amazeing! :D suchh a good start :)
  





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Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:44 pm
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Xyra says...



This is SO cool! I really really like where youre going with it! One thing you may want to do is vary your sentence structure a bit, but other than that it really is fantastic!! I
More Than Words Can Say
Forever Yours
Xyra Pekkala


PS I will love you forever if you review my story Maia (revised version!)
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=92852
I'll review something of yours in return :P
  





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43 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 629
Reviews: 43
Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:45 am
AlyKat says...



Thanks for both the comments :DD
Oompa Loompa something something something :)
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 12:19 am
captaindomdude says...



I have to say that this is a very interesting work. I like the overall plot, it seems pretty original. I applaud you for one thing, there weren't that many grammar errors. I only saw one,

He’s going to kill us all! Please, whoever receives this prayer, protect my dead sisters’ child. She’s to valuable to die. PLEASE!”


"She's to valuable to die" should be "She's too valuable"

Now, on to the actual critique. First of all, like the person above me said, you should try to vary your sentence structure a little. Another thing is that I saw far too little description. The little details make a piece, and I just didn't feel like I was there, experiencing what was happening. When and if you write the next chapter, try to make it more descriptive, tell me what the characters look like, what the room looks like, is there a crib? or maybe some family pictures? There was some description, but it didn't feel natural, didn't flow with the peace. It was more of "oh yea, I'm supposed to describe, let me put that in real quick"


The last thing is I felt the plot moved a little quickly. The dad, he just goes from dumbstruck to mindless, idiotic, murderous anger in less then a second it felt. There was no range of emotion, no breakdown in tears, nothing. I also felt that if he's so upset to strait murder his sister in law and newborn child, then he probably isn't that coherent.


It was a decent work, but could have been better. Thanks for a moments read during a break from painting.
"If beauty could be done without the pain, well I'd rather never see life's beauty again"-Modest Mouse.

"What lies beneath this mask is more then a man, it's an idea. And ideas are bulletproof" V, V for Vendetta.
  








I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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