Young Writers Society

PROLOGUE

A news reader is being aired on the television in the common room of an asylum. A small thin girl with long wispy red hair and skin paler than ice sits in the corner in white clothes, and a strait jacket.
“The murders of teens at East Wickham High School have finally ended after a fellow class mate was suspected of the act of murdering her own parents, and the students. The girl in question cannot be identified for her own safety. She has been deemed medically insane and is being kept in an institution for treatment of her severe psychotic and possibly homicidal behavior. The deaths of John Bridges, Mary Lou Ellen, Thomas Brady, Philip Tenormin, Sophie Lennox and Mr and Mrs Maloney are being mourned today in East Wickham High School, where the whole town has come to celebrate the lives of these young students, and the loving mother and father of the suspected killer. The small town of East Wickham is relieved to be rid of the terrible deaths, but the scars will remain forever in the hearts of the families and friends of the victims. The victims of these horrific murders where first tied down, the cut into, beaten with a bludgeon and stuck with needles and pins until they were eventually bled unconscious and finally killed with one final blow to the head that broke through the skull and pulverized the brain. The principle of the school is now making his speech to the mourners of this ceremony.” The screen shows an image of a middle-aged balding man with a round belly and a short physic. His eyes are red, like all others at the ceremony.
“Today marks the one month anniversary of the first death, of John Bridges. Today, we remember all who were killed by one of our own. One who seemed as stricken with grief as the rest of us, but it seems was suffering her own turmoil, turmoil enough to drive her to so brutally and heartlessly kill so many innocent human beings. It is unclear what forces drove her to commit such horrific acts, but this monument will remain on school grounds to celebrate the lives of our beloved students and neighbors, however horribly cut short they were…” The noise fades out as the news reader takes over again. A tear slides down the girl’s cheek.
“Who would do s-s-something like that?” A skinny jittery man states before breaking into hysterical laughter. This seems to unnerve the girl in the corner. She crawls into a ball and stares once more out the rainy window, tears starting to roll down her icy cheek.
“Recreational time is over. Off to bed now, come along, chop chop.” The matron calls in her dear little patients with a clap and a man in white scrubs takes hold of the girl. She poses no resistance to him, unlike some other patients who scream and struggle. This was how it used to be. This was the aftermath.

Hey Persephone, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

A small thin girl with long wispy red hair and skin paler than ice sits in the corner in white clothes, and a strait jacket.

and Mr and Mrs Maloney are being mourned today in East Wickham High School,

If these are her parents' names, then surely she's just been identified?

the cut into, beaten with a bludgeon and stuck with needles and pins

then

This was how it used to be. This was the aftermath.

These two lines seem somewhat contradictory to me, maybe I'm missing something.

II. GIVING SPEECHES

So, imagine this has happened in your school, your community. The girl involved, the principal suggests, was probably quite normal beforehand, she probably had friends, people who are injured by what she did but most of all by the fact that it was she who did it. So would you appreciate someone calling an ex-friend depraved or evil? The principal's speech- while as a speech you've written it well- is a little hard to believe in the way that it tells us what an evil and terrible individual she was. I'm a little incredulous that he would say this- that he would even bring up such themes- at the memorial of a tragic event. Principals and other similar members of society would be there to talk about hope and perseverance at times like these, not to point fingers and give blame. I think that you need to change the tone of the speech a little, think of anything remotely similar you've ever experienced and try and make it a little more believable.

III. OVERALL

What an interesting premise you have here! It's very intriguing - I think that the presentation just needs a bit of ironing out.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

review #1 - team yellow
Hi! Here for a review. (By the way, if you hear anything about teams and review contests, tell them Team Yellow is the best!)

Anyways, the prologue served its purpose good by introducing the reader (me) to the problem at hand here. You made good (and some gruesome, hah) pictures, and I liked the format you were going at. (Bravo! Like the prologue of a movie.)

Make sure to plant the hook into the reader's mind so they know that the setting is a TV in the room in an asylum, not an actual in-action interview.
Speaking of hooks, there are always much better ways to grab the reader's attention.
I peeked at the later chapters and noticed that the story was in first person. Consider using the same for the prologue, but, well, it's not necessary. It is just a prologue, and it did its purpose by sparking my curiosity.

The transitions were a little confusing.
I had to read the end a few times slowly until I fully understood it, but again, that could be because it wasn't empathized that the setting was people watching TV.

Since we can't indent, I recommend spacing out your lines every time there is a new paragraph. For me, that makes stories look way more organized and nicer looking. :)

The victims of these horrific murders where first tied down, the cut into, beaten with a bludgeon and stuck with needles and pins until ...

I think you mistyped "were" as "where."
To say this and that went first, then this, then that, etc is not necessary. I'd just get rid of that and focus on the bloody facts. (Excuse my horrible pun, if you even got that.)

... are being mourned today in East Wickham High School, where the whole town has come to celebrate the lives of these young students, and the loving mother and father of the suspected killer.

I wouldn't say "celebrate." Sounds like a word of a little kid having a birthday party rather than a girl who murdered her own classmates, don't you think?

The small town of East Wickham is relieved to be rid of the terrible deaths ...

I don't know about this one. Can anyone truly be relieved over tragic, torturous deaths in just a month?

His eyes are red, like all others at the ceremony.

Describe that a bit more. For a second I thought you meant red, as in, a vampire.Then I realized that you meant red like puffy, crying, veined-all-over red.

in general;
I liked this. I could tell this is going to be a thriller, suspenseful, and a mysterious story. I will definitely keep reading this.

Thanks a lot for the review! I am glad you liked the idea and will try to fix some things up asap ;P