I have no idea how long I had been walking then again I didn’t even know who I was or how I got into this desert, I knew was that if I stopped and laid down I wouldn’t get back up, so I kept walking. I walk until the sun beat on my back so heavily it felt like my skin was going to melt of my bones. Finally I fell into the white hot sand, I have no idea how long I lay there, suddenly I heard foot steps “praise the gods iv been saved” I shouted, then I looked up, and there standing in front of my was.............. death. “I see, make it a fast” I lowered my head and closed my eyes, something hit the ground, I looked up and there was a bottle of water “get up and follow me” what other choice did I have, I drank the water and followed, after all only a fool argues with death.
I agree, attempt to write more when you post your story.
It seems a little too fast-paced and random. Try to get the atmosphere going a little more; set it more efficiently, use imagery if you have to. I can see little traces of imagery, but it really seemed below average and didn't keep my attention that well.
Work on your pagraphing. You did not separate ideas very well, and try to skip lines between different people's dialouge.
Look at your first two sentences. Their tenses don't seem to agree with each other.
I also advise you to read over your work and study commas! Your punctuation was terrible.
after all only a fool argues with death.
I like that line.
Mm . . . I will try to fix that last sentence up a little bit:
What other choice did I have? I hastily drank the water and followed, because, after all, only a fool argues with death.
Overall, this COULD develop to be interesting, but your punctuation and basic structure needs work.
Wow...I want to thank so many people for being here...well of course, God...and um...Nate...let's see...Liz...Brad...Chevy...Satan.
I am so tired……..tired of morals, tired of hate, tired of sanity, tired of blood lust, tired of judgment, tired of corruption, tired of saving people, tired of punishing crimes, tire of power, tired of life. how I wish I could forget, forget the lies, forget the truth, forget about anger, forget about death……..it has been so long since I slept, it has been so long since iv dreamt, I wonder if I am going mad, it seams like what ever I do to fight the darkness, it just comes back stronger and more eager for the fight and when I ever I fight the light I wind up fighting a different kind of darkness.
They both lie and they both cheat, well I’m tired of fighting for them. . I have seen both sides the righteous become what they were trying to destroy and the wicked…..well there just madmen and fools.
When I was young I craved power, I craved it to the point I become a demon, what a fool I was, so eager to destroy, so eager to give up my humanity just for a taste of power, just for a taste of evil, again I remind the reader I was a fool, I had know idea of what price I would pay for power, nor did I care, I was too enamored with my own pride but then I met him, he was also tired, but he was tired of the gods tired of there ambitions, tired of there wars, tired of there excuses. He saved me from my self, and he became a god, the bleeding king my master, he finally showed me the truth, he showed me that I was but a pawn, so then I quested for revenge against both sides, i would be a force the fight against righteous and the wicked. and so i fought until one day I felt the presence of some one mysterious, some one interesting, some one powerful, “and here I thought all the dreamers were dead…… this will need all of my attention“
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Points: 890
Reviews: 11