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Where I Belong; Prologue (13+)



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Wed Mar 30, 2005 8:42 pm
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dreaming_mouse says...



Prologue
A young princess stared at herself in the mirror in her bedroom; she felt a tear trickle down her cheek as she looked at the beautiful white dress that glittered with diamonds. She carefully wiped her eyes with a tissue so she didn’t smudge her make-up. A quiet knock at the door sounded and she turned her face to it fiddling with a loose strand of sparkling blue hair.

“Topaz?”

“Yes?” She walked over to the door picking up the long skirt and holding it up so she didn’t trip over. She opened the door slightly and suppressed a groan as she saw a pair of deep blue eyes and hair a few shades darker than her own.

“Topaz we don’t have much time…are you alright?” her mother asked her gently, Topaz nodded and stepped back to let her mother enter the room.

“Of course mother. I’m fine,” she said forcing a smile, “it’s just nerves. That’s all. May I have a few more minutes? Just to compose myself?”

“Yes…as long as you’re not too late. Your father is already at the temple and Bartz is growing impatient in the courtyard.” A tone of irritation popped into her mother’s voice. Topaz felt tears prick her eyes at Bartz’s name; she looked back up at her mother and forced a more cheery smile.

"Speaking of Bartz, may you please send him up here along with Krista and Mariah? Please, mother, it’s the last time I can speak to them freely before I leave for…” She trailed off not wanting to think about leaving her home to go to his country.

“I can send the girls but I will not send Bartz,” Topaz opened her mouth to argue, “Topaz, you’re about to marry! You and Bartz cannot continue this, this little fling that you have! Because that is all it ever was!”

“I just –”

No!” Topaz flinched at the angry tone in her mother’s voice, “I will send Mariah and Krista up but I will not send Bartz up. No matter how much you protest! You have five minutes and then I want you all down in the courtyard ready to leave for the temple.”

The Queen slammed the door behind her and Topaz felt tears trickle down her cheeks. So much for not smudging my make-up, she thought bitterly. How can she say those things about Bartz and I? Is she blind? Topaz sat on the edge of her bed and buried her head into her hands still crying.

How could she leave now? How could she leave on bad terms with her mother? Because once she left she wouldn’t exactly be able to write a letter and say she was sorry…

If she left now her mother would be consumed with guilt, her family would be upset beyond description…and then there was Bartz. How could she leave without saying goodbye to him? The door opened and she looked up to see her two friends and guardians enter the room. Mariah - A girl with blonde hair and sparkling crystal blue eyes - forced a smile as she closed the door behind her. She had a slim figure and perfect curves that drew attention wherever she went.

Krista was a head shorter then Mariah, she had dark coffee coloured skin and copper coloured hair. Like the first she was stunningly beautiful but not in a curvaceous way. She had slim muscled legs and a lithe body; she was built more like a huntress than a maiden. Her eyes were as cold and grey as steel.

Sprouting from each of the girls pupils was a black spiral pattern. Both were dressed in white silk trimmed with gold. Mariah wore a medieval fashioned dress with a corset golden top and long flowing sleeves trimmed in gold. Krista wore a white pair of leggings that hugged her muscled legs; over her leggings was a short gold miniskirt that shimmered in the light whenever she moved. Her shirt was white satin with flowing sleeves and a gold tunic trimmed in white.

“Bartz was with us he said don’t change your mind because of him or your mother. And we agree with him you have to do this Topaz. We can sort out the mess it’ll be worth it if it means stopping this wedding! Topaz we have to do this now, we’re running out of time,” Mariah said in an urgent breathless voice, “we don’t have much time to get the materials…I don’t think we even have the time to do the summoning spell to bring the portal to us!”

“We can try anyway,” Topaz said quietly knowing she was right…she had to go ahead with this. There was no way she could marry that – that… “I – I don’t want to get married to him!”

“Then you won’t. Simple,” Krista said walking into the princess’s en-suite bathroom, “we’ll send you away for a year. We should be able to get everything sorted out in that amount of time.”

“But what if you don’t?” Topaz asked feeling her stomach knot up like a rope. She joined Krista in the bathroom and helped her to prise a pink tile off the wall. “What if this just makes it all worse?”

“You can’t think like that,” Mariah said stepping behind them and taking candle sticks, incense and precious stones from the concealed hole in the wall. Topaz looked up into her friends eyes, the spiral pattern that sprouted from her eyes seemed to move in a circular motion hypnotising Topaz. She felt the knot relax and she smiled warmly at her friend.

“Mariah save your powers,” she said quietly, “I’m okay.” She took some of the materials from Mariah and waited for Krista to replace the tile before walking back into the bedroom. They sat in a circle on the floor and arranged the materials, the candles in a spiral, the precious stones in a large spiral and the sticks of incense in an outer circle.

“Are you sure you want to do this? Not that you really have a choice,” Krista asked gently showing emotion that she rarely showed.

“Yes,” Topaz nodded, “I have to do this…I can’t marry him and I definitely can’t leave my home to go to his kingdom.”

“Ready?” Topaz looked down at her diamond engagement ring and took it off without regret. The only regret she felt would be that she wouldn’t be at the temple to see his face when he realised he’d been fooled. She let it drop onto the plush lilac carpeting and nodded again.

“Yes.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“Bartz found a couple who’ll look after you for the year…they look after people who leave their own worlds.”

“Why?”

“Ask them when you get there…we don’t have much time.” Topaz squeezed Mariah’s and Krista’s hand, and watched in silent awe as the candles and incense seemed to light themselves as Mariah spoke in Latin.

“Wait!” Topaz cried out as a rainbow mist swallowed her up. “Where is there?” But Mariah couldn’t answer as her room had already disappeared.

“Earth.” A voice that sounded like the wind whispering through petals and the howls of a lone wolf rang in Topaz’s head as she felt herself black out.
  





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Wed Mar 30, 2005 10:19 pm
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Lollipop says...



I think this is a brilliant prologue. It's beautifully described. I love this paragraph=

“Earth.” A voice that sounded like the wind whispering through petals and the howls of a lone wolf rang in Topaz’s head as she felt herself black out.

(Sorry, I don't know how to qoute. I'm dumb) :lol:

It's soooooo cool! Keep writing this story because I think it will turn out to be amazing. Good job! :D :D :D
  





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Wed Mar 30, 2005 10:40 pm
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Rei says...



I thought it was dull as anything. It seemed like you were trying to be mysterious at the beginning, but it didn't work, nor does there appear to be any reason for you to be so mysterious. Maybe the tone just doesn't appeal to me, but it felt wrong for the piece. I didn't get the emotional content of the story. I knew what it was, but I didn't see it. Give us more detail. If you haven't already, develope a history of the characters' relationships so that you can write about them in a way so that I will believe it, and care.

I also felt that you were rushing it a bit. A lot of us do that with our first attempts at a novel. If you're concerned about being long-winded, don't.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
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Thu Mar 31, 2005 8:41 am
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Elelel says...



I thought it was dull as anything.

:roll: Don't bother to spare her feelings or anything.

Well I don't agree with Reichieru, so don't worry. You could probably do the things she suggested to make it even better (in fact I would, self improvment is good for you ... hopefully) I'm not sure that being all mysterious about everything was necessary, I'm not sure it worked as well as it could have, unless of course there's a reason for it that you have all planned out.
“Earth.” A voice that sounded like the wind whispering through petals and the howls of a lone wolf rang in Topaz’s head as she felt herself black out.

I liked this bit too :D very ... poetic.

The whole thing feels very ... fantasy-like (if that makes sense, and I'm not sure it does) Lots of colour. Nice. :D
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Thu Mar 31, 2005 5:51 pm
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dreaming_mouse says...



Reichieru wrote:I thought it was dull as anything. It seemed like you were trying to be mysterious at the beginning, but it didn't work, nor does there appear to be any reason for you to be so mysterious. Maybe the tone just doesn't appeal to me, but it felt wrong for the piece. I didn't get the emotional content of the story. I knew what it was, but I didn't see it. Give us more detail. If you haven't already, develope a history of the characters' relationships so that you can write about them in a way so that I will believe it, and care.

I also felt that you were rushing it a bit. A lot of us do that with our first attempts at a novel. If you're concerned about being long-winded, don't.


Thanks for your crit but this isn't my first attempt at a novel and I develop character relationships as the story progresses
  





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Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:16 am
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Darkmoon158 says...



I don't mean to sound rude or anything but um....I think that you said him just a little too much. I understand that you were trying to be mysterious but you should at least say his name once. Remember this is just my opinion and not a fact. You don't have to change anything if you don't want to.
For now I will let the blood drip from my fingers...
  





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Fri Apr 01, 2005 3:48 am
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Supermal says...



I like it. Simple but pretty well written. It's understandable how some people might not like it. All depends on the person, I guess. The descriptions of the objects and clothing were really detailed, it helped me picture everything quite easily, but I couldn't really understand what they were feeling. The descriptions of the actual people were okay, but not too detailed.
I liked that the fantasy portion was quite noticable, unlike some stories I have read, and the touch of romance.
~Michelle~
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Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
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