Young Writers Society

Sorry but this is going to be in two parts because I'm too lazy to finish the chapter on the computer so you'll get half of it

Chapter 3


Relief washes over her face as she sees through the darkness that she’s still in her hospital room. The dream scared her so she looks around the room to make sure she’s really there. She sees a small wicker chair, a T.V., then the dreadful yellow door leading to the hallway, she stops when she sees the little window near her is open slightly.

“Huh? Was that window open when I went to sleep?” she pulls the covers off herself and gets out of bed, slowly.

Suddenly the window shuts and a big gust of wind whirls in the small room. She shakes her head, in an ’I give up’ manner, and walks back to her bed, not knowing eyes are watching her the whole way. She lifts the blanket up, about to crawl in, when she feels like someone is behind her. She turns to see no one, she slithers on the mattress and nods off into a deep sleep. Off in the corner of her room deep in the shadows two glowing red eyes stare at her the rest of the night long.

Soft humming from beside her wakes Valerie from her intense slumber. She opens her eyes to see a man in a long white robe sitting in the chair next to her bed. He is humming a gentle tune while staring out the window next to him. He stops when he sees Valerie is watching him.

“My dear, I see you are awake now.” his voice is light and gentle, like a summers breeze.

“Who are you?” she asks politely.

“The names Caleb.”

“Oh well, I believe you have the wrong person, I don’t know any Calebs’.” she says in the most nicest voice possible.

“Oh but that only ensures me I have the right person.”, she gives him a puzzled look, “If you still do not believe me, your name is Valerie is it not?”

She studies his look of certainty “Yes, I guess you do have the right person. May I ask what you’re here for? Are you a doctor or a therapist, what?”

He chuckles at this, “My dear, sweet Valerie. You will find out very soon why I am here. As for now, you mustn’t ask questions.”

Still puzzled by this mysterious man, she feels a calmness wrap around her as she gazes into his emerald green eyes. Something about him makes her feel as though she has met him before.

By the way I know it's short

You're narrative is certainly improving, and the story over all is getting better as well. However, there are still some areas to work on.

(1) The dialogue. It sounds forced and unrealistic.

(2) I might just be forgetting something from the end of the previous chapter, but what dream are you talking about. If there was no dream, put something in about it.

(3) Valerie has just been in a serious accident, but in this scene you show no evidence of her being in any pain, or any other effects of it. She doesn't even have an IV, which she probably should, and she isn't likely to be able to move so easily.

(4) Valerie should react more to Caleb. She should know right away that he is not a part of the hospital staff because doctors and nurses are generally dressed in scrubs, or have lab coats on, and physical therapists, as far as I know, would not be there at night. You say that she's puzzled, but you don't show it.

Anyway, good work. I look forward to reading more from you.

She wasn't in a big accient actually a little later the doctor says she's lucky she must have someone up there that likes her because she got off easy, just a small concusion. It's what his robe looks like that makes her think that he's a doctor or something so I'm sorry I didn't put that down. Yes there was a dream I'm sorry if you don't remember. Last but not least I'll keep working on the dialogue, one day I'll get it. I don't know if I should post part 2 on this thread cuz I finished part 2 anyone give me your opinion on if I should.

The tense you are using is driving me nuts. It makes the entire thing sound more dramatic than it deserves. My eyes are unable to comment, seeing as they are in agony over the tense.

Did I mention I hate the tense?

Well I loved it.... Though she didn't react much to Caleb.

And you are really similar to your sister Griffin...

Well I'm sooooooooo very sorry, Griffinkeeper, that my tense bothered you so badly! If you didn't like it then you shouldn't read it. Plus, it is dramatic it just hasn't gotten there yet. Thank you very much.

I'm glad there are people like you out there Shadow Knight, or else I'd never be able to keep my cool. So I thank you for your positive comment, yours too Reichieru.

If it really was that minor, she wouldn't have needed to stay in the hospital over night as long as she had someone to watch her and make sure she doesn't have any more problems. Besides, it would be more dramatic if it was more serious.

I've heard of people staying over night in hospitals because of concussions, though I'd say it's rare.

Did you guys have fun arguing? I mean it's MY story. Can't I make some things up if it helps my story and isn't too outragous? That's what I thought. So any other people want to comment on my story? I know peoples read this it says how many people have viewed it.

You really need to adjust your attitude, darkmoon. Listen to what people tell you and think about it. Such a minor injury is not that dramatic, and it is unrealistic for her to stay overnight in the hospital anyway.

First of all, my attitude is fine, it's just when I write it on the comp. it sounds different. Second, I do take what you guys say into consiteration. Just most of the time I think 'well it's my story, it's my plot' I love your guys suggestions, it helps a lot. But you'll find out why it was important for her to stay in the hospital later, again my plot. I understand it seems, well, stupid for her to stay but I think it sounds just fine. So as you see, that's the problem with computers, you can't say things the way you mean them to sound.

The fact that you used the word stupid proves to me that you might need a slight attitude adjustment. I never used that word, nor was I trying to change your story. I don't have a problem with her being there. I just said that if you want it to be more realistic, she has to have suffered more than a mild concussion.

Ok fine then I was just trying to explain to you that I don't need to change the attitude I don't have. I don't like leaving people in a bad mood so I'm going to leave on this happy note:

I respect your comment but no thank you. I'm not changing why she's there. I hope that didn't affend you in any way and I'm sorry if any of this conversation bothered you.

I'm not offended. Just annoyed that you can't accept the fact that you didn't make hur injury enough to be realistic. I know its a long way from now, but if you don't worry about those detail when you want to get published, you never will.