Young Writers Society

Yay. I finished reading and reviewing it.
Now all I have to do is type it up >.>

“Ack!” Yazra cried in frustration,

People don't generally say "Ack!" Maybe you could say something like this:
Yazra grumbled in frustration,

As if he’d made a comment, Yazra turned to Dr. Halon and sighed. “Don’t lie to me doctor. You didn’t believe that ‘you can do and be anything you set your mind to’ crap either. Thanks for the journal though--so generous of you. Which reminds me…”

Why is she seeing the doctor? Maybe you could explain that a bit.

What does the doctor look like? Maybe you could describe his features a bit.

Yazra tucked her new journal into the front of her pants and went to lean over the doctor where he sat slumped in his chair, and gave him a warm flirtatious smile, or at least what she hoped was a flirtatious smile.

Why would it be a flirtatious smile? I do recall in chapter one something about him saying 'have some fun' to Yazra. Is that why she is giving him a flirtatious smile? If so maybe you could make a that a little clearer.

He’d never notice his purse missing, he was dead after all.

Are you going to say how he died? And why she killed him?

He’d never notice his purse missing, he was dead after all. After a quick search, she stood up strait, slipping her spoils into various hidden folds in her oversized shirts.

I noticed you had to "after"s very close together. If you read it out loud it sounds kinda weird. I know its how you should do it, but maybe you should move some words around to make it sound better as well

You need to add some description to what the characters look like. Tell us more about Yazra's surroundings and what she and other people look like.

Its kinda unclear to all of a sudden have Toby, and she seems to know him pretty well. I think you should explain a little bit about how she knows him and stuff.

“Yazra, did you kill Mr. Halon?” Toby asked from the door, watching her as she did a final check to make sure she had everything she needed. She looked up, meeting the seven year old’s large eyes.
“I did,” she said quietly. Was it so obvious? Or had Mr. Maybell figured it out and shared his discovery where Toby could here it? “How did you know?”
Toby grinned smugly, rubbing his nose as he always did when he was pleased. “’Cause you said you was going to go see the doctor, and the next day he was dead! My sister was happy; she said he should rot in hell.”

I see some grammatical errors in Toby's dialogue. I understand that it would be an accent or gansta slang or something, if it is you should inform us so we are not on our toes. Ya knows?
By the way Yazra is a pwnful name! It totally rocks!

Yazra considered this, and considered how to make sure that Toby’s findings never became public knowledge.
“Did you tell anyone yet?” She asked, quickly calculating. There weren’t many people about the Inn during the day.[s]..[/s]

I would say the last two periods aren't necessary. I dono, its up to you, it just looks odd to me XD

Killing him was the easiest way of making sure he never told…Yazra felt her heart squeeze painfully at the very thought. She cursed her parents yet again for bringing her up he way they had. Why were such dark thoughts always the first to come to her mind?

I like how you brought up her parents. Its like you are setting a trap for us. Then at the right moment you will lock us in forever It also tells us a little more about her character and personality.

Yazra felt tears wetting her eyes and blinked them back.

Eyes are always wet, maybe you could say "wetting her eyelashes" or "welling in her eyes"

The man who gave me this journal is dead, mainly because I killed him. I’ve never kept a journal before, but then again I’ve never killed anyone either. Not that I know of anyways. I’m pretty sure fat, greasy old men don’t die just because you stab them in the leg, right?

If she has never killed anyone why is she constantly thinking of it? And why would she randomly kill the doctor?

You need to describe her mom a bit. You don't have to make it thorough just enough for us to work off of.

I never found out why she decided to become a witch, she always said it was just in her nature.

Maybe you should but a "what before the "I" like this:
What I never found out, is why she decided to become a witch, she always said it was just in her nature.

I don't know it just sound better. To me that is, you don't have to do it if you don't want to.

I wish I could say I hated her for it, but she really was just doing what she thought was best for me.

I really like Yazra, she is very laid back, calm and confident. Good work! Its always a good thing to have your readers fall in love with Yazra, so when you do that breathtaking moment when someone is attempting to kill her or something we all start crying.

spacial potion twenty-three

Common! You can come up with a better name than that!

I know all about mud cakes: mix the with poison, coat them in special potion twenty-three, and when it is finished cooking it will look and smell like the tastiest pie you’ve ever seen.

This would be a perfect place to add some description about the pies. Make them tasty sounding, so we are drooling XD

Yazra heard a twig snap somewhere, so she silently shut the journal and tucked it into her bag, her free hand simultaneously sliding towards her boot knife. Time slipped by, and only the sounds of the forest filled her ears. She settled back against the large maple tree and let out a sigh. She’d half hoped it had been someone…but no. She had made up her mind: she’d live alone from now on. No more trouble.

This bit is screaming for a little description! Take advantage of that!
Why is she so prepared for everything if she has never killed someone before?
Maybe you should explain why she has the boot knife, maybe it could have been her mother's or her father's. Its always good to have a story behind things, right?

It wasn’t hard [s]to do[/s]: she just climbed up the tree she’d been sitting against, found herself a nice sturdy branch, and lay down, using her bag as a pillow.

You can take out "to do"
Maybe you should describe the tree. Its colours etc.

“And then, there are birds, Yazra. Beautiful birds that soar free, slave to no one. They know that the bees live pointless lives, that to the bees freedom and happiness are nothing but illusions. These birds start off trying to help the bees because they are winged brothers, but the bees are so blind and stupid they only fear the birds and their ways. And so the birds give up on the bees, and decide to forget they were ever winged brethren. Those birds, Yazra, are like you, your father, and I.” I liked the idea of being a bird, I was six after all. “And sometimes, we birds lash out at the bees because their ignorance frustrates us so much, but it doesn’t matter because their lives are meaningless.” This was where she started to lose me a little, because I had remembered a woman once coming to my mother with her son; if their lives were so meaningless, why had the woman guarded her son so protectively?

This is a bit of an info dump, kinda overwhelming.
I think this would be a great place to a have a flashback. With description!

My father, for his part, believed that the world was filled with only two kinds of people: wolves, and rabbits. To illustrate this point, he once brought me a snow white rabbit to keep as a pet. My mother made it into a stew. Rabbits, it turned out, existed only for the sake of satisfying the hunger of wolves.

You only have a little bit about her dad.
You seem to right about her mother in bigger portions. So maybe you should even it out a little bit.
I also noticed that she is an orphan. That idea is very cliché, I know a lot of book about orphans. Its not a bad thing. Just warning you XD

She quickly packed up the roots she had dug up for breakfast along with her diary and got to her feet. The best thing to do was get off the ground and stay there until the bear was gone.

Isn't she already in a tree? A bear would climb after her.

Yazra realized it was just as obvious she wasn’t going to be able to sleep with a clear conscience unless she tried to help.

So she knows the bear can kill her easily but she is still going to save it?
I know its part of her character, but its like shooting herself. Its nice of her thought

The bear stood leaning heavily against a thick pine, its body heaving from the effort of breathing. It had obviously been in a fight—a spear buried into its side. Yet despite its weak state, it was a magnificent creature. Its fur was long and black, almost silken in appearance. Yazra wondered if this was some eccentric noble's pet, sent into the woods for execution because it had grown too wild and large to keep.

I am liking the description here =]

A voice that sounded very much like her father’s urged he quickly to use the unconscious man as a shield while she finished off the bear.

There is a man with the bear? You failed to mention that in the first paragraph of this part. You should tell us what he looks like and where he is situated in the first paragraph.

Whether to appease her father, the bear, or to remove the temptation of listening to her father; Yazra kicked away the unconscious man.

Where was the man before she kicked him?

“Hold still,” she ordered the bear, using her mother’s authorative tone. She kept her eyes locked with the beasts as she slowly reached for the spear. The bear growled menacingly. Yazra sighed.

“This is pretty bad, you know. The spear will slowly tear you apart, and you’ll die a slow and painful death. If you let me pull it out now, maybe I can help you.”

Yazra didn’t expect the bear to understand her words, but she trusted that it would hear her voice and understand she wanted to help. For a long moment the bear continued to growl, but the sound receded and finally stopped.

Yazra gently took hold of the end of the spear, shifting her body so the spear would come out the same way it had gone in and do the least damage. It was only a hand's width into the bear’s side, and from the look of the blood stained fur it hadn’t been in very long.

I noticed you mentioned "spear" a few times. Maybe you could reduce them.

Yazra jumped to her feet and grabbed the man’s heels, pulling him out of the injured animal’s reach.

I know this isn't a key point but what does she do with the spear once she has pulled it out? Toss it aside, keep it etc...?
Its just one of the things that makes me think XD

“Just, lie down. He’s not going anywhere right now. You can eat him later when he’s awake to appreciate it.”

I like the humour you add here!

However, the bear seemed to understand it wasn’t going to get its paws on the man, and heavily dropped unto the forest floor.

do you mean "onto" or "into" ?

It was past nightfall when Yazra finally returned, having hunted around the entire forest for the herbs she needed to quicken the healing. Short of a mortal and pestle, she’d ground them between two rocks and mixed them with water until it was a thick paste. By the time she’d finished, her hands stank of plants, bringing her a nostalgic memory of learning how to make poultice with her mother.

What do plants smell like? You should describe this.

The two were almost nose-to-nose, and the man was hyperventilating.

Can you describe the man a bit?

“Please! Help me!” He cried, shrieking as the bear roared into his face.

I think a snarl would do better.

“I-I wanted to be famous!” He wailed, obviously terrified out of his mind.
“How would killing a bear make you famous?” Of all the absurd things.
“Becau-” The bear roared loudly, threateningly. Yazra frowned and looked up, seeing the bear had its huge paw on the man’s head. He was crying now, whimpering and begging for his life.

You mentioned the word "bear" a lot! You should reduce this a bit.
And a bear would crush the mans head if he put his hand on it

“You owe me,” she reminded the bear when she reached him, biting her lip as she felt her own hands begin to shake.

She seems unnaturally comfortable around the bear. Maybe you could explain her feelings a little more...?

“Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you!” he said as he bowed and stumbled away, his stammered thanks turning to a cry of fear as the bear growled once again. He ran.

Explain where he s running and the surroundings.

Yazra bit her lip, willing herself not to feel happy she’d managed to save this man’s life.

Isn't she already biting her lips?

“I’m going to light a fire, then I have to apply a poultice to your wound,” she informed the bear to which he grunted. Somewhere at the back of her mind, Yazra sensed there was something odd about how easily this bear grasped the meaning of the things she said and unconcerned he was by her presence; it said to her he’d spent time around humans.

The bear is speaking to her?

Looking at the bear as she lit the fire with her tinder, she decided it was a definite possibility; wild bears didn’t have such beautiful fur.

How does she know what bear fur is supposed to look like? Explain...

The Dread Bandit.

*cough* George *cough* XD

My father could snap a neck like no man’s business, as I soon learned.

Like this sentence =]

He was a good father to me, though, bringing me presents and telling me great stories of the great villains of all time.

You mentioned great twice in one sentence, it sounds odd, to me at least

My father was over-enthusiastic, and he forgot to take account of my gentle nature, so it was no surprise that when he immediately took me on a raid with him and his twenty-three man band, I went into shock. I’d never seen destruction of the kind and the screams were horrible.

Just added a he to the sentence, I think it sounds better. To me XD

I cried and cried and clung to my father for days afterwards, earning myself the nickname Clingy. I never went on another raid again.

Maybe since this seemed to scare her, maybe you should write a flashback for it...?
Never means forever and you said she got over it in the next paragraph.

Once I got over that though, my father began teaching me about survival. Over the three years I spent as his shadow, I learned about deceit, danger, death, destruction and that the very nature of man is to, in some way or another, crush other men. My father did not soften his teaching with metaphors; when he wanted to show me how to kill a man he found a body, handed me a weapon, and showed me where to stab.

Gruesome childhood

death was a violent creature

I like this little bit.

By the time my father was done teaching me, any belief I may have had that what my parents did for a living was right, was gone.

Don't quite get the underlined part... Its confusing and the words don't make any sense.

They where villains, and she didn't have the heart to grow up and be like them, no matter how much she loved them.

Yes, but she is a villain and she knows it.

Three months before my eighteenth birthday, my mother and our shack were burned to the ground by a small army sent by a nearby lord my mother had hexed. My father cremated the remains of her body and buried them in the woods, under the concerned watch of myself and the flock of crows my mother had used for messengers.

This would be a perfect place for a flashback!

Besides, there was something so cliché about her death that I knew she went down cackling.

Awesome! Reminds me of my mom

No matter how hard I try to be a bee, it always seems like my bird wings trash the hive just when I think they’ve turned into bee wings.

Its seems a bit wordy and complicated here. Maybe you should take out a few of the larger words.

She hadn’t killed him of course, but his right hand would be of no use to him anymore, if he’d somehow managed to re-attach the damned thing.

I love this girl, she totally rocks!

She stood, bowing her head so her brown bangs covered her eyes. They were a stunning green, a color that might have been remembered from her little ‘accident’. “Yes?” she asked meekly.

Yay, description! You need to tell us more about how she looks!

Where’s your pass?” the leader demanded, glaring down at her through his helmet. The soldiers moved around almost casually, but before she knew it they had completely surrounded her. Pass? What pass? There was no such thing! Anyone could walk the roads, though you had to show proof of citizenship to enter walled cities.

Are these soldiers on horseback? You should tell us more.

“And I suppose your brother also has the license for hunting in the king’s forest?” More chuckles. Yazra had to think fast, because she didn’t much trust these men.

“Sure,” she agreed, trying to judge which one of these men would be the easier to knock out of the way. She would douse him wit the ink still in her hand, and run. Their flashy armor would slow them down significantly. Hopefully.

You said "these men" twice really close together! Sorry but that bugs me XD

And then the world exploded.

Why would the world explode?
Is it a figure of speech as bear is coming in or something?
Its doesn't really seem necessary

Demon Bear

Oh no, not another demon bear!
Have you read the book called 'Wolf Brother'? Well there is a demon bear in that as well. I am not saying it is bad. But wouldn't it make you feel better if you had you own original names? That no one els has?
Just me XD

The bear had run down the next man, who as she’d predicted was slowed by his bulky armor, and was merrily beating the life out of him with it’s paws. He was so busy he did not seem to notice the third running his way, sword raised high. He screamed; perhaps to let the monster know he would finally rid the roads of him—or perhaps because there was a knife in his neck.

Is this the plot? Because if it is, you have just given it away

Horrified, she was finally aware of herself. Her arm was outstretched; her fingers open, as they always were when she threw a knife the way her father had taught her. She watched, eyes wide, as the man toppled backwards, blood spilling from his neck.

You should add a little more description to this!

Slowly feeling came back to her numb body, and she took in the carnage.

You should add a 'the' in between 'Slowly' and 'feeling'

It was as it had been with the doctor; her body had reacted without asking her mind’s permission.

Do you mean 'if'?

it was slick with blood.

Nice wording

She felt sick, like someone had their hand around her gut and [s]were[/s] was squeezing.

“You pass,” A voice spoke. She turned, coming face-to-face with a gentleman in his forties. He wore grey robes and around his neck hung a white stone pendant. A wizard. She flinched back, stumbling away and nearly falling over one of the dead bodies. The bear looked up, mildly interested by the newcomer.

You need to describe the man more!

He was talking about her dream, about her blood, about her fate.

Tell us about her dream!

----
I really like this, Yazra is really awesome and cool XD
I like where it is going and I look forwards to reading more!
I suggest using more description so we can paint a clear picture in our minds.

Keep up the excellent work!

Cheers,
Gwen

Thanks for the critique! I will be working on more detail when I come back to fix all the things people mentioned in the prologue.

And yes, her name is awesome. I just asked myself 'what kind of name sounds like a villain?' and voila. Yazra.

DUDE!!!!!!!!! That's LOOOOONG!!!!!!

looks kool though. i got it, and i'll read n critique it next chance i get.
dunno wen that'll be, though.

=P Sorry about the length. I had no idea how long it was and sort of posted it as I went. >.< I only saw after that it was 13 pages. XD

I didn't realize how long it was until I was about halfway through it. Then I looked at the scrollbar and was like "HOLY COW!" But it is all good. No worries.

The beginning of this confused me. In the very beginning, I though that this was in modern times and Yazra was in a psychiatrist's office. Also, the dialogue between her and the kid felt pretty modern. So I was a little confused when later we started talking about witches. Witches? Huh? I was like "Okay, so they're modern witches... that's random." Then I finally realized what the setting was a little ways down. Perhaps you might somehow want to make the time and setting a little more clear. I was really confused for a while there.

1) How old do you think Yazra is? How old do you think she should be?

The first thing I thought of was 20-ish, even before I read about her being 18 or whatever. I think that 20 feels about right somehow. It just seems like a nice age of "maturity" and offers a lot of freedom that, say, a teenager wouldn't have.

2) Do you feel you understand Yazra's inner struggle, or do you feel the story would benefit if I expanded further on that aspect of her life?

For now I think it is okay. If you want to continue elaborating on her inner struggle, I would love to read more, but if you are asking if it really needs it, I think I'd say no. I mean, we're going to see more of her being her, so I think that it is all good.

3) On a scale of one to ten, how random is the Demon Bear? If part four was lengthened and Yazra spilled her guts to him and bonded, what would be his randomness then?

Eh, I'd give it a 8 probably. It is extremely random. And the idea of a humanized bear is kind of cliche. Yazra seems to accept him pretty quickly, and he seems to be really liking her really fast. That just seems to go pretty quickly, how easily they get on together. But I think, had you had her spilling guts so soon, randomness level would have skyrocketed to an 11. Let that take time. As it is, the relationship moves really fast. Maybe you could consider slowing it down a little bit.

4) What's your opinion on how quickly the plot moves? What do you think of the plot overall? Are there holes?

It is only the first part, so I can't really pick out holes just yet. The pace seems to be really nice and consistent. My only complaint was the bear (see above).

5) And last but not least...do you feel th story would benefit from more description of the scenery, characters, sights, smells, etc?

They wouldn't hurt, but in my opinion, they aren't really needed especially. The story is mainly character based and you could point out things that Yazra really notices or cherishes in her stimuli, but you don't have to describe the landscape if Yazra really doesn't care about it. Do just what she thinks is important. It is all about her.

Wow. I really liked this. I have known about it for so long, but I have never gotten the time to get around and actually read it. I feel awful. But now I have actually read the first part, so I am on my way to redeeming myself.

Yazra is such a great character. She is so conflicted and somehow she is totally believable, despite the outrageous circumstances. She is funny, yet you feel for her. Geez, but I am jealous!

Great, great job. *applause and confetti*

~GryphonFledgling

Yay! I love readers who comment. (Apparently there are some who don't! I might have more fans than I know. =P But I won't let myself get conceited thinking that way. ^_^)

Thanks so much for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yes, the bear is a little random. And my mom says it's been done (His Dark materials, though those were polar bears and they talked. =P), and humanizing an animal has been done. Sadly, it's all a little necessary, though I might change what animal he is if I can find something interesting.

>.< I'd tell you how it all makes sense later in the plot (at the end of the novel XD), but that would spoil the fun. I do so love plot twists.

Thanks again! I hope you'll read the next chapter.


^_^ Keek!

Here is part one of my review, encompassing parts one and two of your loverly work! I shall answer you poignant questions when I'm done with a full review, but for now, I'm loving it!


Part One

It will start like this: “Sir, since you can choose your destiny, why don’t you decide you’re going to live while me and my knife decide you’re going to die and see who’s will is stronger?”

Brilliant. I’ve always thought this about this saying, and it really pulls you in.

As if he’d made a comment, Yazra turned to Dr. Halon and sighed.

Masterful tease/hint there.

He’d never notice his purse missing, he was dead after all.

Cut this, it’s eversomuch more better if you don’t say it outright, and I think your readers are intelligent enough to ‘get it.’

She was sure there would be at least a few people who were happy to see the doctor gone, she highly doubted she was the first girl he’d tried to force himself on.

These two sentences need a semicolon, or even just a colon (it would work here), instead of a comma. I don’t think separating them with a period would work as well.

By the time Mr. Maybell served her the dinner the kind doctor’s purse had provided for her

I think you need something between “dinner” and “the kind doctor’s purse,” probably a “which” or a “that,” just so the reader knows you’re transitioning a bit here—otherwise you have to read the sentence twice to understand.

for bringing her up he way they had

typo—should be “the way” not “he way”

the only who were people so innocent, her corrupted life could not touch them.

o.O? I think I get the sentiment, but…huh?

The man who gave me this journal is dead, mainly because I killed him.

A wonderful sentence, in oh so many respects.

I can’t even think of a single good word that starts with ‘d’, though I’m sure they exist.

Delicious? Delightful? Darling? Dearest? Sorry!

mud cakes: mix the with poison

should be “them”


Part Two

rambled about thinks

I think you mean “things”

my mother had raised to accept death as a natural part of life, especially when assisted by such tings as poison.

Need a “me” between “raised” and “to,” and “things,” not “tings”

Yazra looked up from her diary and; the forest had suddenly become very quiet, which she knew was a sign something was wrong.

Two things: 1) misplaced semicolon, 2) you don’t need to tell us that a forest suddenly becoming quiet means something’s wrong, most of us know so already, and those who do don’t will get it from the fact that Yazra looks up at this change.

which ensured it was extremely dangerous to be around.

“Ensured” is an awkward word to use here, and nix the red bit, it’s redundant.

continued:


Part Three

It had obviously been in a fight—a spear buried into its side.

Should be “spear was buried” or “there was a spear buried”

urged he quickly to use

Simple typo: “urged that she quickly used,” “urged her to quickly use,” whathaveyou

Whether to appease her father, the bear, or to remove the temptation of listening to her father; Yazra kicked away the unconscious man.

How would this appease her father?

her mother’s authorative tone. She kept her eyes locked with the beasts

“authoritative” and “beast’s”

The spear will slowly tear you apart, and you’ll die a slow and painful death.

Change one, please.

look of the blood stained fur

I’m pretty sure you need a dash between “blood” and “stained”

step it took towards the man was slow and painful.

You just used that phrase.

feeling lightheaded as she realized she was getting between an angry bear and the head it wanted to crush.

*snort* We didn’t think this through, did we darling!

“You can eat him later when he’s awake to appreciate it.”

What a beautiful line! LOL!

Short of a mortal and pestle, she’d ground them between two rocks and mixed them with water until it was a thick paste.

Are “mortal and pestle” the things she couldn’t find, or the method(s) she’s not using to make the paste?

she informed the bear to which he grunted.

You either need a comma here or, better yet, make “He grunted.” a separate sentence.

the meaning of the things she said and unconcerned he was by her presence; it said to her he’d spent time around humans.

Eh, just awkward and kind of confusing wording, darling.


Part Four

During my childhood, which for me ended at 14 when my father destroyed what shreds of innocence I had left, I rarely saw my father.

Separate into multiple sentences, please, it just gets confusing all jumbled together in just one like this.

And yes, it was a name agreed on between him and my mother because they wanted to match.

Rofl!!! That’s horrible! *snicker, snicker, snicker* (but in a good way, of course)

My father did not soften his teaching with metaphors; when he wanted to show me how to kill a man he found a body, handed me a weapon, and showed me where to stab.

Very practical man, that.

the fact that she was certain bears weren’t carnivorous.

Um…then what are the terrifying teeth and claws there for?

I’ve always bee a traveler, since I was on my own.

Bzzzzz

The only think anyone had to know

“thing”

a gigantic black bear with fur as black as death

killed a doctor, healed the injured and cared for the sick.

Eh?


Closing Comments

1) How old do you think Yazra is? How old do you think she should be?

No younger than 16 or 17, no older than 28. Other than that, can’t really tell.

2) Do you feel you understand Yazra's inner struggle, or do you feel the story would benefit if I expanded further on that aspect of her life?

Nope, struggle perfect and understood.

3) On a scale of one to ten, how random is the Demon Bear? If part four was lengthened and Yazra spilled her guts to him and bonded, what would be his randomness then?

Original randomness: about 4/10, not too bad. Randomness if guts are spilled: 6 or 7/10

4) What's your opinion on how quickly the plot moves? What do you think of the plot overall? Are there holes?

Plot motion is steady, if not exactly fast-paced, but that’s by no means a bad thing. Overall, I find the plot very good, and relatively hole-less!

5) And last but not least...do you feel th story would benefit from more description of the scenery, characters, sights, smells, etc?

Well, this is just a thing of mine, but I like it when the smells of a scene are described. I don’t do it nearly enough myself, and often I find that people over-do it, but when I come across a really well-done scent description, it pulls me in like crazy.

Okay…

Humor: Beautiful, twisted, and absolutely, horribly wonderful.

Characterization: Similar. You do a really great job on Yazra, explaining her backstory, but I did find myself wondering “Okay then, if her parents were so bad, how’d she turn out so (relatively speaking) good?” I know you say she had/has a “gentle nature,” but maybe if you could expand on the whys and wherefores there.

Scenery A little sparse, but again that’s not a major drawback in this particular story. If you feel like bulking it out, I think it would make it better, but if you’re content with where it is then don’t sweat.

Okay, you asked about the bear’s randomness, and now I’m asking about the wizard’s. His sudden appearance out of pretty much nowhere left me both incredulous and a little disappointed. It just came off as a little cliché, and in my head felt something like: “Haha, here I am, old wise man mentor character, but evil, and now I shall teach you so there.” If you’re going to work him in, I think you need to have a little more buildup. I was just getting used to the Bear (whom I like, btw), and now woah there’s this dude.

Overall, though, a really fantastic story, darling. You play around with stereotypes and clichés, throw in twists that are both exciting and funny, and, just so you know, Yazra is exactly the kind of name two super-villains would give their daughter. Thank you for a delightful read, darling.

XD Yay! That's exactly how I felt when I picked the name Yazra.

Yes, sorry, the wizard is a little random, to bear too. The thing is, of course, that they kind of come together. The wizard's randomness could be fixed, but his relevance only really shows up later on in the story. XD

And I'll be trying to add some scenery when I get to the 'new version' that I will start asap (as soon as school leaves me alone! >.<).

I'm glad you enjoyed! Thanks for the crit, I shall get to those changes soon.

^_^ Keek!

( I'm glad you liked the humor, I know sometimes I overdo it, but I think I managed pretty well to blend it in enough that it works. XD I do it for myself, of course, I love being able to laugh at what I write)