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The Chronicles of Taer



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Thu Nov 18, 2004 1:13 am
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Crysi says...



I know that I definitely need to do a lot of editing still, but this is the first chapter/part/whatever in my story. I'm trying to follow some advice given to me, that I should write most, if not all, of the story first, then go back and edit. So I'm finishing up my second chapter right now lol. Anyway.. Some terms that I'm using in this story are Season, which is a year, and dragonlength, which is about 20 feet. Enjoy, and feel free to give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism! :D

~*~*~*~*~*~

Crystalia leaned breathlessly against the cool stone wall lining the inner court of the castle. Just a little closer, she thought. She could smell the newly shined armor the soldiers wore for special ceremonies, and she wondered briefly what occasion would bring such formality. Her thought was left unfinished, however, when the guards patrol route took them close enough for her to catch their hushed words.

"..And they say that's why he was so much more insistent upon having the Parade. Every year he pushes it further, and one of these days something s bound to go wrong."

Another guard spoke up. "The wars are coming too close to the Realm to be sure about our safety. There's always a chance these days that a mercenary will sneak in. They would only need a moment.." She heard him sigh deeply. "They could slip by masses of commoners with no problem. And we just can t cover every part of the Realm, no matter how strategically the King deploys us.."

The first soldier interrupted. "We have to take things one day at a time. Concentrate on the Royal Parade for today. We'll worry about the rest tomorrow."

So that's it! Crystalia thought. The Royal Parade is today! Oh, how she desperately longed to see it once again! Memories from three years ago streamed into her mind. She could taste the rare sweet treats, hear the crowd cheering for the entertainers, and feel the sense of awe in the air as the King and Queen paraded a mere half-dragonlength away.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" enraged shouts were directed toward her. Realizing she had lingered too long, the girl leapt up, springing toward the darkened alley which led to her home. Hearing heavy footsteps still following her, she quickly changed her direction, instead sprinting into a wide street full of people waiting for the Parade to start. She wove her way through the crowd, ignoring the surprised protests as she mercilessly pushed her way through the masses. The rushing of noise threatened to overwhelm her senses, but Crystalia just focused on losing the guards long enough to sneak back to her house. She risked a glance over her shoulder. The guards were standing back at the edge of the crowd, engaged in a heated discussion with one another. Finally, one of the guards stalked off back toward the inner court. Hesitating momentarily, the second guard followed, but not without a final glance over the crowd. Then he, too, was on his way back to the castle. Crystalia sighed in relief, then made her way back home, cautious that no one was following her. She took her time, not wanting to even consider what the reaction would be from her family when she walked in the door.


"Where is she?!" Vyselle growled yet again. Malkin and Tenik simultaneously rolled their eyes in response. "I'm going to kill her!"

"Now, Vyselle," Malkin spoke up, "she may have had a good reason to go out. However," he added hastily, seeing her venomous stare, "she will be punished for putting our family in danger. Rest assured of that, dear sister."

"I swear, Malkin, sometimes I feel like I m the oldest here! Here Crystalia is off on her own, most likely getting in trouble, and you re just sitting here, not even trying to do anything about it! She will be the downfall of this family if she isn t controlled, and you re supposed to be the head of the family! I don't see how we re going to make it to your sixteenth Season without getting caught. You know what will happen if the soldiers find us! We will be separated, beaten for our ignorance of the law, and who knows what! If you even think I will let that happen to this family-"

Her hysteric threats were cut short by the slow opening of the door. A small figure peeked around. Before Vyselle could reach their little sister, Malkin jumped in front of Crystalia and shielded her.

"Malkin, you said she would be punished. Since you obviously aren t responsible enough to be the head of this family.."

"Vyselle, that's enough!" Malkin snapped, advancing on his slightly younger sister. "I will let you insult me, but only so far. I've been providing for this family since our parents disappeared in the war! I protected all of you when the soldiers came, looking for orphans! I risked my life to keep this house so we would have shelter and memories of our parents. You have crossed the line, Vyselle," he finished, his voice dangerously soft. Vyselle stood motionless, still shocked by his mention of their parents. She knew he had taken it the hardest, since he was the oldest. He rarely mentioned them now, preferring to move on and leave memories behind.

Malkin then turned around to face the youngest member of the family. "Crysi, where were you?" he inquired, his voice kinder and softer.

Crystalia looked up, her face paled from the altercation. "I - I went for a walk, that's all.." She didn't think it wise to mention her encounter with the guards just yet.

Tenik snorted with disbelief. Both Crystalia and Malkin shot dangerous glances at him, then resumed their conversation.

"I want you to tell me next time when you're going somewhere, is that clear?"

"Yes, Malkin.."

He teasingly tousled his little sister's hair, then pulled her in for a hug. "I just don't want anything happening to you, Crys," he murmured, smiling fondly down at the young one. She looked up and smiled back, and they all joined Tenik at the table to eat.

Tenik took this opportunity to bring up the topic he was about to start before Vyselle had noticed Crysi's disappearance. "The King and Queen still haven t adopted children yet," he mentioned. It was a well-known fact that they had decided to adopt, rather than have their own children. They wanted to help the community. Malkin looked up.

"Still? I wonder what s taking them so long. They must be pretty picky about which qualities they want in a child."

"They probably want someone who's born with a crown on his head and has manners from the start," Vyselle said bitterly. They all laughed.

Crystalia chose this time to mention her findings. "The Royal Parade is today.. I was thinking maybe we could go watch it for once," she said meekly, knowing the chances were slim that her plan would be accepted.

"Is it really? It has been a long time since we've seen it," Malkin said thoughtfully. Crysi cut in before Vyselle had a chance to shoot it down.

"Yes, it has been! Please can we go, Malkin? The crowd will be huge; no one will know we're alone! Besides, you're only one Season off from being allowed to take care of us; you already look like you're old enough! We won't get caught, I promise!" the child pleaded.

Malkin couldn't help but smile at her innocent eagerness. He opened his mouth to say it wasn t possible, but then he closed it again. Astounded, he realized she had a point. The chances of them getting caught were extremely low. He looked at Vyselle and gave her a questioning look.

"Are you insane?" she shrieked. "It's far too dangerous! You're willing to take a child's word for it that we won't be caught? And what if we do get caught, what then? You know we'll be reprimanded by the soldiers, beaten, and then separated into different families or, at the very worst, dungeons! No," she exclaimed, slamming her fist down on the table to punctuate her decision, "I will not have you recklessly destroy this family!"

Crystalia suddenly got up, tears forming in her eyes, and ran toward the door. "I'm tired of hiding! We're Drykorians, we shouldn't have to live in fear! I'm going to see the parade!" With that, she was out the door, facing the unknown.

Malkin glared at Vyselle, making it known that he blamed her for this. Then he, too, was up and out the door. The sight of the crowd overwhelmed him at first. He fought the panic rising up in his chest, struggled against the urge to run back inside and remain invisible to the world. Nevertheless, he had to find his little sister. He heard his other siblings join him, and together they started searching for Crysi. Malkin spotted her running through the middle of the crowd and, grabbing his siblings' hands, he followed her.

"Crystalia! Crysi, slow down, girl!" he shouted, cautioning that his voice didn t rise too loud. When he finally caught up to her, he forcefully grabbed her arm and pulled her to him. He kneeled down and made her look him in the eyes. "Don t you ever pull anything like that again, do you hear me?" he hissed. Noting the frightened look on her face, he hugged and kissed her, trying to reassure her it was all right. To his right, a great commotion arose, and he stood up to see what could possibly bring on such a noise. He heard shouts of "There they are!" and "Look, the King and Queen!", and he gathered all three siblings to him. "We can stay to watch them, and then we re going straight back home, understand?" he said to the trio in his arms. Vyselle gave a disapproving look, but didn t try to protest. Malkin surveyed their position, and noted that they were a few rows from the front. We should be safe, he thought to himself, warily eyeing the fierce-looking guards all the same.

Crystalia joined the shouting as the Royal Family approached. They were drawing nearer every second. She could even see the glittering gems in Queen Agrytta's earrings, the intricate weavings on her crown! Both she and King Heronius were smiling, waving to random members in the crowd. Eventually they drew level with Crystalia and her family. The King turned his head in her direction, and she waved enthusiastically. He stopped, holding back the Queen as well. A hush fell over the crowd, such a contrast to the chaos happening seconds ago. Malkin suddenly pulled Crysi behind him and stood tall, trying to look the appropriate age. King Heronius whispered to the Queen, seeking her council, and both started walked toward the four of them. Malkin's heart thudded in his chest. He could feel the familiar knot of fear forming in his stomach, and it took everything he had to look the King in his eyes, indifferently, yet respectfully, and to stay put. How he wanted to run, to escape that curious gaze! Surely, they had been found out.. He waited, every moment growing slower as the King proceeded toward them.


Heronius walked briskly toward the four children, seeing nothing but their faces. Could these innocent young draclings really be the source of this amazing power? He stopped just short of them, and waited patiently as they bowed, eyes down. Feeling Agrytta at his side, he whispered fiercely into her ear, "We must interview them! I will not let this chance pass us by!" She nodded, then relayed the order to a nearby group of guards, who also nodded. Seizing the children, they dragged the young family roughly toward the castle, following the parade route they had just walked. "Careful!" the King cried out behind them. The guards made no acknowledgement of his plea, but they did slow down and tried not to jerk the struggling young ones more than necessary. King Heronius sighed, then turned around and led his wife back to the parade route. The celebration continued.
Last edited by Crysi on Sat Mar 05, 2005 2:23 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Thu Nov 18, 2004 2:44 am
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Drizzt says...



OOOOOOO!! I like it. I wish I could write like that. *Sigh* Anyways, I always have trouble with dialogue. That's a major problem.
People always complain about how life sucks, but they never kill themselves. Don't you wonder why? I do.





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Thu Nov 18, 2004 5:57 am
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ZZAP says...



lol... I know I'm going to blow my head on this one. When I looked at your length, I noticed two times the editing I have with the others. It's going to be a long night. 8) CONSTRUCTIVE? Nah, your at a level of writing, I'm going to have to pull some hidden abilities of mine. My head hurts just thinking about it... Tut!

-Z
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Thu Nov 18, 2004 7:10 am
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Elelel says...



And to think you were worried about how bad you would look, Crysi! It's graet! I love the point of view work!

PS, you came over as great writer.
Oh, you're angry! Click your pen.
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Thu Nov 18, 2004 5:10 pm
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ZZAP says...



I have yours all cut up... It's just I need to now transpose them into words. I edit like how your teachers grade an essay. I have pen marks all over Crysi, don't worry... :D No, yours is pretty good. Not nearly as much markings on it as others. But still, there is markings. I have the last quarter to edit... then I'll post.

-Z
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Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:36 pm
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Perra says...



Yeah, Crysi! It was great! It really got me interested in your story.





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Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:54 pm
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Crysi says...



:D :D :D

Thank you all so much! Lol, sorry about the length, ZZAP! Thanks for taking the time to edit it.. I can't wait to see what you write!

Wow, I'm surprised everyone likes it lol. I guess I'm a true writer, never quite happy with my work :roll:

Iloeri, I'm glad you like the point of view stuff. I just do it naturally, and it always surprises me when people comment about it! It's a lot of fun to write. You should try it sometime :wink:
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Sat Nov 27, 2004 4:41 am
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ZZAP says...



Finally, I’ve had time to edit something! Yea! Surprisingly it was Crysi’s wonderful start on her story. I wasn’t expecting to finish it for a while, but with a little determination and background Christmas music I got through the rest of it, which was just a mess. j/k Well, here it goes…

You started really well; the commotion and all is attracting. Italicize the “Just a little closer” to make it more clear that it’s a thought processing through Crysi’s mind (I’ll call her Crysi for short). Next… The smell? Of shiny armor? Hmmmm… A little awkward to me. Is she that close to the guardsmen that she can actually smell the varnish of the newly shined armor? Even that is a little iffy. It’s too common that phrase, “newly shined armor”. Maybe; She watched the guards in their recently polished armor direct through the crowd…Mine is more passively built into your writing, which I think fits your style better. Just my opinion. I liked the action of her being able to hear the guards because of their close patrolling route. Very nice.

Something small… When the guard speaks, he’s rather intelligent about the matter. Is that done on purpose? Are guards supposed to know that much about the king’s affairs? It is a little irresponsible for a guard to be spouting like that. If I were an enemy, I’d love to talk to that guard when he’s drunk! When the next guard speaks up, place the phrase “that one of” in front of “these” so that it runs smoother. To finish, cut out the “that” in that same sentence. Add another period to your pause right after the “only need a moment”. What. I’m detailed. Again though, the emotions portrayed through these guards are taking me offhand. The second guard is a little too serious about his “covering every part of the Realm”. Take out the “And” and “just”… no need for them to go there. Replace “interrupted” with “added” when the first soldier speaks again. It’s not an interrupting moment.

Take out the explanation point in your “Oh I’m so desperately wishing to see it once again”; little too cheesy. Right after that, don’t say years, as it really doesn’t fit in your time period of writing. Replace it with “ages”. In the same sentence, you use “mind”… Try to localize your writing. Meaning, find the time period of writing and keep it neat.

“Intead of sprinting into a wide street full of people…to start.” This is a little confusing by my standards. I suggest re-phrasing it; it’s your call. When the guard makes the final glance over the crowd, cut out “over the crowd”, as it isn’t needed. Sometimes more words or phrases cause wrinkles in the writing, it’s better to just smooth those out and just plainly cut them. By cutting that, you can use a comma to conjunct that sentence and the next one. I’d end it right there, and start a new paragraph…

In the arguament between the brother and sister, she spouts how much complaining and more complaining. “I don’t see how we’re…your sixteenth Season” First you say ‘we’re’ as in we, but then you say ‘your’… Which one? Use one…

When Malkin jumps to protect his younger sister Crysi, it’s him making the action. I have in my head Malkin. Then you have some dialogue, who’s saying this? I know it’s Vyselle, but from an audience point of view, it’s a little unclear about the dialogue. Basically, the emotions don’t match. When Malkin response to the “threat” from Vyselle… I throw up. No, seriously now. What are you doing?! “I will let you insult me, but only so far”!!! My head! Oh my head! You’ve injured it! Sorry, but I wrinkled in disgust at this. They are a family, are they not? That is just way too cheesy. Cut it out totally, it doesn’t fit anywhere. No offense. You do it again when he says, “You have crossed the line” Cut it out; they are speaking to each other as if they hate their guts.

Everything very good from there… I like Crysi’s meekness in her response to Malkin. When she says, “Yes, Malkin…” change that to “Yes Uncle…” Take out the comma; it displaces the sentence. Why uncle? Well, I want to see some authority from this guy. Your call again… After that, he does the hair tousle and says something. You have a typo; spell your name correctly. You say “young one”… That separates me from your main character Crysi. Try not to use narrative words like this when you address your main character. It has an aspect of distancing you from who ever it is you’re talking about. Again, you do it! When she pleads to go to the parade. You say, ‘“Lala…lalala!” the child pleaded.’ The child separates me from Crysi again… Hmmmm. That’s weird. Separates me from Crysi? Sound as if we’ve been together before… :shock:

Localize the term, “extremely low”. Doesn’t work in your writing. Again you displace our main character when Vyselle shrieks that “taking a child’s word”. Who is ‘a child’? Crysi I presume. Try to use her name more… Vyselle is a little over reactive, but nothing that I would mention about. Hint, hint… *he means, change it* Okay, you stumped me here. Why is Crysi crying? I mean the one in the story, not you. I know you cry over me all the time, but that’s no news to me. Seriously, why is she? Is she being a little too emotional? Or she being so young, merely trying to get attention? Can’t get my finger on it. Also, is she saying all this as she is running towards the door. That’s a little weird. When I talk to people, I don’t run towards the door as I do it.

After that, Malkin glared at Vyselle… “making it know that he blamed her for this” Too much information. Need to keep this simple. Throughout the whole story, you didn’t usually reveal information like this, why change that now? Cut it if you were to ask me. When Malkin exits the room, he heard his ‘other sibling’ join him. Change that to family, make it a joint effort to follow Crysi. When Malkin grabs his siblings’ hands, isn’t that a little to suspicious? Think of it. If I want to hidden, but I start holding my relatives’ hands as we walk, that’s a little suspicious. End the paragraph after he kneels down and looks Crysi in the eyes.

When the “Look, the King and Queen!”, cut out “he” in the second part of the next sentence. You already have a pronoun describing Malkin. End the paragraph after he gathers his family around him. Localize the noun you use, “trio”… Misplacement of the subject. Cut out “try to” when Vyselle doesn’t protest. I make things run smooth.

About the Queen’s jewelry, SHOW DON’T TELL!! Sorry, just had to say it. You do okay for the jewelry description, but I’d like some of your Writer’s Punch about now. When the king whispers to the queen, make that a new paragraph. It’s a new set of ideas. Cut out the exclamation point after the gaze; too cheesy. “Surely, they had been found out..(.)” add the extra period.

I like the ending paragraph, it suits your style. When the king says, “Careful!” start a new paragraph. Start another one before “The celebration continued”, but that’s only because I’m picky. Oh, and I love the name of the king, it suits his position very well.

Well, there ya go! Oh, and I may have sounded a little criticizing and personal, just bedazzle that okay? You know how much I love you… Lovely story. Sweet dreams!

-ZZAP





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Sun Nov 28, 2004 8:07 am
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Crysi says...



I'm positive I posted this.. ah well, maybe I hit preview and never looked back lol :P

Anyway, thanks ZZAP for editing! Very thorough lol. I'll definitely be looking over the corrections more when I'm awake..

Good thing the first post didn't go through lol. I said something really stupid, and I realized my stupidity when I read a thread on Daniel's board.. How could I not have guessed your true identity? Sheesh.. :P

Nice to see you again, by the way. Lol, and to think I was nervous about holding a conversation with this mysterious "ZZAP" person.. :roll:

Once again, thanks for taking all that time to edit. I actually left a few mistakes in here that I had corrected on my printout sheet.. Ah well. And "Crys" isn't a typo, just another nickname. I might just change it to Crysi, though, since it doesn't seem to fit anywhere else..

Gah, now you have me scrutinizing my own work! I need sleep lol. G'night, and great job! :D
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Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:49 pm
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Nai says...



:o :shock: I really really like this too, your abilities pertaining to just the general way you write dialog is amazing.

I honestly really like the story, the charcters, everything.

Keep working on it and get this beautiful story published! If you ever get a writer's block with this tell me and i'll seriously help you try to get over it.

Very, very, very nice job.
ἓν οἶδα ὅτι οὐδὲν οἶδα





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Tue Feb 08, 2005 1:13 am
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Crysi says...



:D:D:D

Thank you so much, Nai! That really means a lot to me.

It's funny, I never really thought about the dialogue. It comes so naturally to me.

I will definitely tell you if I get writer's block! There's no way I'm letting this story die!

Glad you like it! :D
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Thu Mar 03, 2005 8:38 am
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Shadow Knight says...



Great story, try to remember to put "'s in the right places, other than that, i really am looking forward to reading chapter 2, which im about to do.
Cause i'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man revolution.





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Sat Mar 05, 2005 2:20 am
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Crysi says...



*looks* Where did I forget to close my quotation marks? I see a spot where I accidentally inserted some.. *shrugs* Glad you like it, anyway!
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Sat Mar 05, 2005 10:15 am
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Shadow Knight says...



It was probably that you inserted them by accident, and i didn't realise. lol

~~Shadow~Knight~~ :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
Cause i'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man revolution.





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Sun Mar 06, 2005 5:13 pm
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Firestarter says...



"..And they say that's why he was so much more insistent upon having the Parade. Every year he pushes it further, and one of these days something s bound to go wrong."

Another guard spoke up. "The wars are coming too close to the Realm to be sure about our safety. There's always a chance these days that a mercenary will sneak in. They would only need a moment.." She heard him sigh deeply. "They could slip by masses of commoners with no problem. And we just can t cover every part of the Realm, no matter how strategically the King deploys us.."

The first soldier interrupted. "We have to take things one day at a time. Concentrate on the Royal Parade for today. We'll worry about the rest tomorrow."


I'm making an awful assumption about your fantasy world, but are you really sure soldiers would talk about such things? I mean, generally, wouldn't they be more focused on beer, women etc? I'm not sure such potentially cataclysmic would enter their minds. Also, they seem very educated. Of course, correct me if I'm totally wrong here, but I'd find their conversations a little more social and informal than this, in the standard fantasy mold.

Surprisingly, I was too captivated to attempt to critique anything else. And Z pretty much wrapped it up. Great stuff.








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