Young Writers Society

My breath came in short bursts as I sprinted through the darkness, trying to escape from him. My legs began to give way as I tried to force myself to keep going. Images flashed through my mind, or more accurately, memories. I tried to push them back, fighting against the inevitable. It worked for a while, but eventually I was overwhelmed. The darkness around me swirled, and suddenly I couldn’t tell what was reality and what was a dream anymore. My legs buckled and I fell to the floor, fighting against the memory that tried to consume me.

My senses blurred into one as I tried to extend them. I found what I was looking for. He had slowed, but he wasn’t that far away. He knew where I was and I felt my heart race. Despite everything that had happened, despite everything he had done, I couldn’t help the way I felt about him. I don’t know who I hated more; myself or him.

I tried to make my expression neutral as I heard him approach. “Ella, please. I just wanna talk.” His voice made me quiver as I crouched behind what I assumed was a tree. “I know I’ve been a jerk, but I promise I’ll explain everything. Just trust me, please.”

I shut my eyes and focused on keeping my breathing even. I didn’t want him to sense my fear, but I knew it was pointless; he would be able to see right through my façade. He’d always been able to. Even knowing that I stood up and stepped out from behind the tree, summoning up all the strength I could. “You have one minute to tell me everything Rowan. No more lies.” I just hoped I wasn't making the biggest mistake of my life.

Good evening,
Generally I don't like reading any fantasy romance these days, after all of the twilight hype has sort of ruined the genre, for me anyway. I though it was important tonmention that before I re view so I can give you a little prespective on where my opinions are coming from

As a prologue I thought this was at a good pace and was intriguing. The first thing I would say though, cliche. I realise that there is the urge to have that dark forest running falling thing, but what would make a really fresh beginning wOuld be a different setting. What about a crowded place at lunch time, what is more frightening then being alone in the dark? Being surronded by peoPle and knowing that absolutely no one can help! Besides he setting there are a couple of technical issues, such as being outside and falling to the floor, it really should be the ground. Mainly though I just wanted to try and appeal to you to challenge the genre striotypes and make a unique story!

Now on to some things I thought were interesting, the fact that she hated herself... I don know where you are going with hat but if oh could write something where she regrets falling for him hat would be completely cool. The others hing I would say is make sure you clearly define a line, if he is a stalker, let him stalk, have him deluded! One other thing, try to really flesh out your characters and make them unique, give them lots of traits, dislikes, likes opinions, make them feel like humans, if your vampire kills, give them motives, really in-depth motives.

I hope this is not to harsh, I really wish you the best of luck with it and hope that some of teething I have written help
I'm happy to read on, so let me knOw when you post again

I am super sorry about the spelling, on an iPod

Thanks for your review! This is sort of going to be the middle of the book - so a lot more will be discovered about the characters as the story continues. Like why she hates herself etc. Also, later on you'll discover why she's running through a forest - there is a reason behind it haha. But I liked the idea of the cafe at lunch! I'm definitely going to try and use that idea I'm hopefully going to stray away from the cliche idea of vampires that Twilight has created, so I hope I can fulfil that area of the story! Once again thanks heaps for the review! And there's nothing wrong with being harsh, it's helpful!

As someone who literallly hates the whole genre that has sprung out of nowhere after the Twilight series came out, I thought this would be a nice post to review. Overall, I thought this prologue was well written. As long as you don't include too much sappy vampire stuff it should be very good! I also like your character names. They are very unique, yet also give a good idea of their personalities. Bravo.

Although for my taste vampire novels are totally out of the question, I do think that this is very well written and that you should keep up the good work! Keep writing.


--Maya

I read it. Thought it was a little too tellie. You give away the characters; you don't show their actions. Instead, the story's handed to me on a verbose silver platter. (I don't want it.)

My breath came in short bursts as I sprinted through the darkness (that's way too tellie: if whoever-this-is is sprinting, then obviously he/she's going to be breathing hard. The reader knows it- no need to interject what's going on.), trying to escape from him (forced vagueness. "Him" being some antagonist, I already feel as if this is a flashforward or something, that I'm gonna be given a horror story or be surprised by some element of magic.). My legs began to give way (Take out "began to.") as I tried to force ("tried to force"=>"forced") myself to keep going. Images flashed through my mind, or more accurately (Take out "or more accurately." This is fantasy; accuracy is the last thing your reader wants.), memories. I tried to push ("tried to push"=>"pushed") them back, fighting against the inevitable (Take out "fighting against the inevitable."). <It worked for a while, but eventually I was overwhelmed. The darkness around me swirled, and suddenly I couldn%u2019t tell what was reality and what was a dream anymore. My legs buckled and I fell to the floor, fighting against the memory that tried to consume me> (<-> is sloppy.)

I'll stop here.

Rewrite #1:

My breath came short- too little for too much as I ran from that guy. And my legs gave way as I forced myself to keep going. Images flashed through my mind, memories. I pushed them back. But swirling darkness closed in, my legs buckled, and the memories consumed me.

^That's with my edits. But now it lacks that distinct fantasy feel. Here's a bit of flair and appeal for your abstract world of "swirling darkness."

Rewrite #2:

Running through leafy darkness brought gasps to my throat. Knees buckled underneath me. I stumbled hard by chilling apprehension. He's behind me! It arrived for mind and lips as trembles and pounding footsteps, breaking forestry and nightly swirls- memories I couldn't revisit. Dream and non-dreams mixed, leaving me to run. Only run, you; you're consumed by the memory.

Do what I just did for the rest of it. Eliminate weak verbs like "try" and "know" and "found" and "want." Make everything active-voice and shorten your sentences. Avoid telling the story; instead, you need to use the descriptions and the flowing motions of characters and settings to perpetuate the narrative. Then, rewrite it a second time adding a layer of imagery.

Keep Writing!