Young Writers Society

Chapter One: Pyro-Flame
Some people believe being a superhero is magnificent, that it’s all about glory and justice. They do not think of the never-ending stress, the hurt, the unbearable pain we go through everyday. The powers we have can be described as a gift from the gods. Of course, they could also be seen as a curse from the Devil. The risks we put our friends and family at cause constant frustration and paranoia. I want to be normal; I want to be you. I wish I never became the man I am: a symbol of light and hope for thousands, but with a life that leaves me emotionally distraught, an empty shell.

I simply cannot love a woman; I cannot be shown love or affection by anyone. The chance of them being harmed by the people I battle to protect them from is far too high and extravagant. It would destroy me. I just could not handle it…not again. It does not matter how much I want it, how much their beauty grabs my attention and tinkers with my mind. I will forever be alone. I cannot make the same mistake twice. My story is indeed a sad one. I won’t give away the ending, but I’m obviously still alive and kicking.

Oh, wait. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Jamie Lee. Well, it was – I’m better known as Pyro-Flame these days, to be honest. My story can be interpreted in many ways: is it happy, or is it sad? You will have to decide for yourself. I can now produce fire with a click of my fingers, and I tell you: it is no magic trick or illusion! You may ask how I got such powers. Was I born with them like Superman? Is it technology like Ironman? Or is it genetic mutation like the X-men? You can think that, but you would be wrong. I was a normal teenager celebrating the completion of my AS exams; even though I had likely failed Geography, stupid rivers landforms!

Before you read my story you should know it is all fact – these events happened to me. The happiness and the pain, the success and the sorrow, the extravagant laughter and the emotional tears… it all began that night I mentioned. We were out camping next to a reservoir just up the road from Newcastle, my home city. It was the best city in England. The Quayside’s tremendous bridges, great people and, yes, the cheap night out surpass all others anywhere in the world. We were chilling and tossing back some beverages the night Pyro-Flame was created – a night I will never ever forget.

I really hate to say it, but you stop just when things start to get interesting. The hero lamenting all the things he can never have because of what he is, while valid, is something we have seen a lot of recently. I think you need to find a more ineresting way of getting that across than simply "telling".

That said, I really like Pyro-Flame. He has an interestoing voice. I find myself really wanting to hear how his sotry started. Plus, the geography comment made me laugh.

Hey!
Cool, a superhero story.
I like your intro- you jump right into the story. And you really cover right away one of the things that is very intrinsic in superheroes- their relations with their non-super friends and family, which is good. It's very emotional, and really makes me connect with Jamie right away.
However, you kind cover it all fast. The whole idea is really deep, really emotional. But it's all over within two paragraphs. You might want to make it stretch some more, or just hint at it subtly, and not be so open. For instance, the "...not again" really grabs my interest, as I can see there's going to be quite a story behind those two words. But you mention it so openely, and then turn away from it so fast- it's like seeing something really interesting while channel surfing, but instead of stopping to watch, you just keep moving. So, I think it'd be better if you made that either longer, or more subtle.
The last sentence in the third paragraph also threw me a little. It doesn't connect very well with last one... something's missing. It could be just me though- just read it through and see what you think.
In the last paragraph, did you mean to say Newcastle was the best city in England, or that it is? Just wondering.
One last thing: in the second paragraph, you say "my story is indeed a sad one." Then in the next paragraph, you say "my story can be interpreted many ways: is it happy, or is it sad?" Ummm, my question exactly. But I'm sure either way, it's going to be good.
Keep up the good work!!

Thanks for the comments guys it will help me go back and work on it, tbh your points mean a lot to me and wheni come to edit this tomorow your comments will be my base guide

Hello!
This is a WONDEFUL start. I love the way you just pulled me right into the story. Umm, you could maybe separate the paragraphs a little bit more instead of having a few blocks of information. That would really help incourage the reader. Otherwise this is awesome! I am onto the next chapter!

Hey! I *finally* got to your book! Sorry for the delay though!

Frankly speaking, there isn't much to correct. It looks all good. Though there are a few things I'd like to point out.

I just could not handle it…not again.

I think you should re-frame this entire sentence. Something like: I won't be able to handle it...*add space* not again.
Yeah? Also, add space between the last "full-stop" and "not".

I was a normal teenager celebrating the completion of my AS exams; even though I had likely failed Geography, stupid rivers landforms!

The comment made above was quite hilarious, but since you started off all serious, you should keep it that way. When I say this, I don't mean to kill that sentence which I've marked in red. Put it in a bracket, perhaps? It sounds more like a complaint. "Oh, that stupid stupid rivers landforms!" <- A complaint right? Try making it like this:

I was a normal teenager celebrating the completion of my AS exams; even though I had likely failed Geography (Stupid rivers landforms!).

^ Yeah?

Before you read my story you should know it is all fact

Comma between "story" and "you", and "a" between "all" and "fact".

Other than that, it was all really good. I like the way your character spoke. It was very well-spoken! So, I hope to continue reading your work, however long that may take me

-TwistedMuffins.