Deleted

Okay I wish I could say something nice about this, but to be honest I thought this was very ordinary. Your writing style is all over the place, and to be totaly honest, it isn't good. You use absolutely no description whatsoever, and I didn't even want to read the whole thing. You have so much action in this first chapter that you have absolutely nothing left for the rest. This is almost like a whole books worth of action in one chapter and it's ridiculous. I had no idea what was happening most of the time, and you used too much dialogue.

You're characters were average, there was nothing that drew me to them really and you're character had the perfect life. She had a boyfriend who she was madly in love with. She was super strong.

All in all I think that this should be at least three chapters. You need to add so much more description because I honestly don't want to read more after reading this.

Hey Alabaster!

My name is Splendora and I’m a twin to my brother Derek. We both are a lot like each other and well, nothing else to say, we are just the same. Yet being the same is nothing that someone could ask for. We both share the same fate, a fate that chooses if we live or die today. We are nothing a like when it comes to fighting and sparing in battles. Our weaknesses are different from other but barely recognizable to a person that doesn’t know me and my brother. We are only 16 year old teens sadly… Well you will know more soon enough young one. For now sit back and enjoy the story while it’s still a happy time in our era.

This is one of the most common mistakes a writer can commit anytime. A character's physical traits, personal history or some background information shouldn't be basically introduced on the outset of the story. A reader doesn't know yet what is happening in the beginning, so when you spoonfeed them with such continuous information, it will not help the reader anything and will not work very well. It's like ordering an appetizer, but then a waiter comes to you with four international main dishes.

Looking overall of the story, it seems as if these are three chapters compressed into one. There are a lot occurrence that was presented in your story, and it was pretty hard for me to catch up everytime I came across them. This also leads to my second point about your main character. It was difficult connecting with her- maybe because of Splendora's thoughts that were insufficiently expressed here, or even your character's lack of emotions. Like for example, Tandrec broke up with Splendora... but why I didn't feel any sympathy towards her? Perhaps because it was surprisingly fast how she got recovered from being broken-hearted. And this also leads to Jake, if he truly cared for her- he wouldn't kiss her. He would have instead comforted her than making things worse. And I also didn't expect their relationship- it was like you fast-forwarded it.

Throughout the story, I only see Splendora as someone powerful, aggressive and that's it- I want to know more of her internally and emotionally- like to know what her thoughts and opinions are towards her environment (especially when it's set in first pov). Her voice seemed inconsistent also. At the start of the chapter, I thought she was that kind of a serious, nonchalant person, but then it surprised me at the middle party of the chapter seeing her as a somewhat violent, active person. And maybe this is just me, but I think it's better if you had this in third person.

but yet has never challenged Splendora to a match for she knew the consequences.

I'm wondering why she suddenly said her name. Shouldn't you convert that to "me"?

I have to be pretty honest. There were many characters introduced here that it was already hard for me to focus on your main character. And I didn't even have the chance to get to know each character well because a a new one would keep on coming after one another. There should have been a limitation as to how you how many characters should be in a chapter. And this also confused me the fact that you have placed a lot of elements here, instead of just focusing on one or two? Always remember that a first chapter is like a window display- it is something that situates a reader and gives him an option whether she would go in or not. So a first chapter should be inviting to any readers, and should be well-organized to let the readers know what really is the story about.

The storyline was pretty hard for me to keep up the pace. Firstly, you didn't manage to introduce very well your Splendora- I'm not saying you have to dump here all the infos- but let us know about herself little by little, or slowly. There were a lot of conflicts here and it was confusing because I don't know which ones were significant and not. Try also describing the setting or the place of the event. I feel like this is some kind of X-men and Twilight combined since there are some who possessed supernatural traits and some who are demons and wolfs. As much as possible explain the important points in the story. If I were you, I would have to split this chapter into two or three, avoid insignificant conflicts and don't be in a hurry, Alabaster. Especially that this is in Fantasy world, so try showing every little detail very well and clear as a water.

Grammar-wise, you should have proof-read the story before you submit this one. There are times when I feel like your sentence structure are all over the place. You also tend to shift your verb tense to past to present- which is confusing- it would have been forgivable if you have at least warned us before you plan to change the verb tense. Also, your description is lacking and whenever I read them- you tend to "tell" rather than "showing" it.

Derek whispers harshly, slowly helping me back up.

As much as possible, avoid adverbs. They weaken your prose and this also brings difficulty for the readers to visualize an action, event and even characters as well. Like how did Derek actually said it to her harshly? Try describing his voice and even his facial expression.

All in all, this needs some fixing. The car is brand new but you have to call the repairman again. Because, I'll be honest and you might hate me for this- I still don't get the story- maybe just a few parts, yes, but overall, it's pretty confusing (I know I kept on saying that, but because it is). It wouldn't hurt to reread this one and if you stumble on something, you'll know the cause for sure. Anyways, this review is purely based on my opinion. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Young Writers Society

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources