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The Red Cloak Part 3



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Fri Nov 18, 2011 12:23 am
Leahweird says...



Marguerite sat in the town square while the men assembled for the wolf hunt. She couldn’t wait inside. They might have left without her. She’d been there for hours and they still tried to make her stay behind.

“We’re trying to get rid of a menace,” said one man. “We don’t have time for your imaginary revenge.”

“This isn’t something little girls should be part of,” added another.

She eyed them coldly. “If you won’t let me come, I’ll just follow you. You’ll have to tie me up and lock me away of you want to stop me.”

Fortunately none of them were willing to try. She was relying on the fact that they were unwilling to be so cruel to a girl they had known since she was a baby, even if she was acting strangely. She felt aweful for being so rude, but this was too important.

Eventually the protests subsided into grumbles. Some of them actually seemed glad that she could lead them directly to the last place the wolf had been seen, rather than making them follow her path through the snow the whole way.

In the light of day, the woods had been transformed into a crystal palace of frost. Despite the sombre nature of their mission, Marguerite couldn’t help smiling as she pulled a borrowed cloak tighter around her shoulders. But her levity quickly faded when they reached the place where drops of Cheyne’s blood still marked the ground.

She almost hadn’t believed there would be paw prints. Part of her was still convinced that the beast was a phantom. Yet everyone could see the dark shadows punched in the snow. Better yet, they could follow the trail.

The beast had been tricky. Crisscrossing through the forest. Leading them farther and farther away from the village and up into the rocky hills.
“We should turn back. It looks like it’s moving along on it’s own.”

“It will come back. It always does,” Marguerite insisted.

No one listened to her, but it was decided that since they had come all this way it would be better to make sure the creature was gone for good. They pressed on. After almost a whole day of walking the tracks abruptly disappeared into a hole in the side of a stony cliff.

Marguerite sat by the cave while the men decided what to do. She had hoped that they would actually catch it that day, but now she realized how unrealistic that assumption was. Still, she couldn’t suppress the urge to crawl over to the opening.

The entrance sloped down into the bowels of the earth. There wasn’t much room, but if the wolf could squeeze through, then so could she. She could just fit her body within the small space.

“Marguerite, what are you doing?”

“Just looking,” she called back.

She really did mean to turn around, but first she wanted to creep forward just a few more inches, to peer into the inky depths. Suddenly the earth below her shifted, the ground crumbling under her weight. She tried to twist around but she found herself falling helplessly down into the den of the wolf.

Spoiler! :
I'm not entirly satisfied with this snippet. I wanted to have plenty of space to write the next scene in, because I hope it's going to turn out as interesting as it seems in my head, so this one is mostly set up. So I apologize if it's a little boring. I'm still working on my pacing.
Last edited by Leahweird on Sun Nov 20, 2011 5:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sun Nov 20, 2011 3:33 pm
barefootrunner says...



Ooh, scary! Love the ending.

Leahweird wrote:She felt for being so rude, but this was too important.

She felt terrible, perhaps?

I could find nothing else to pick at! Great story!
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts" - Einstein
  





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Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:00 am
RacheDrache says...



Hey, Leah!

This was so short I don't know how much I can say about it. One quick typo before I go onto other stuff:

She felt aweful for being so rude


I think you meant 'awful' there... 'aweful' would be a different thing entirely :)

Anyway, you mentioned that you're working on pacing, and I say from pacing, this flows nicely albeit quickly. Smoothly, too.

But, the whole details of the hunt are sort of skimmed over, as is her arguing to get into the hunting party. The pacing is even, yes, but we the readers don't get in on any of the action, it's all brushed over in anticipation, I imagine, of getting the reader to the part where she falls into the wolf's den. Only, there's not that underlying tension to her falling in, the reader isn't sitting there going, "Oh, I just know something awful's going to happen, I have to keep reading to find out what."

One of the culprits is the lack of details. Why not expand this? Show more of what happens instead of sweeping through it to get to the next part.

Another culprit is the tone/feeling here... there's not a lot of energy. I don't feel the anger of the men in the hunting party, don't get any anger or emotion coming from Marguerite. I didn't feel why it was so important to her. So, I want her reaction to what they see on the hunt--her heart beating faster, her feeling whatever it is she's feeling. Personalized some. To whatever sort of POV you've elected.

Actually... I think if you just get her reaction and thoughts and perspective and really show them, you'll be golden. You've got the basis here, and now need the meat or the substance or whatever it is you want to call it.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

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