Young Writers Society

“My prince?”

“Don’t touch me!” he cried.

He tried to back away and nearly fell out of bed. Then reality reasserted itself. Of course it wasn’t Narissa, it was his wife.

“Snow.”

“Another Nightmare?”

He nodded. The memories that the witch had stolen before she put him into the mirror world were still foggy. Sometime they resurfaced in his subconscious. They were terrifying mostly because he couldn’t tell recollection from invention.

“I don’t know why you put up with me.”

She pulled him close so he could listen to her heartbeat while she stroked his hair. Sometimes he worried that this was the dream. It all seemed too good to be true.

“I just wish I could erase what happened to you,” Snow said.

“But then I would have died hundreds of years ago. We would never have met,” he replied.

“Do you mind? Not being immortal anymore?”

He looked up at her. “I was never really living until you came and found me.”

They shifted so that he could come and lie beside her properly. She leaned against him so that he could wrap his arms around her.

“You saved me, I hope you know that,” he told her.

“We saved each other.”

“Thank you,” he said, leaning in to kiss her. “Thank you for always waking up.”

Very nice, You trapped the reader with the incompleteness in the start and the abrupt begging.
Sincerely,
Zaid.

this was sorta interesting and some parts were well written, it was sweet

“Snow.”

this bit was a little confusing, i thought the guy had gone nuts and was blurting out random words.. prehaps make it clearer prior to this that his wife's name is Snow to avoid confusion..

“I don’t know why you put up with me.”

it would be cool to know how this was said, like sadly? with a sigh? fed up with himself? or grateful? i dont know, its not clear enough. its good to leave things to the imagination, but to create character depth we need to know a little more...


Another thing, its hard for the reader to imagine the scene, because we have abosultely no idea what the characters look like, even how old they are.. what time is it? is dawning breaking through the curtains? is it almost pitch black, midnight? i cant see it at all, its just dialogue and semi-thoughts/explanations... like I said, leaving things to the imagination of the reader is fine, but not THAT much, there's hardly any desciption other than the actions in this...

Sorry if this sounded harsh, but i quite liked the idea behind the story. hope i helped a little,

-undeadbunnie

I think a lot of those issues are caused by the fact that this is an epilogue, so most people would already know who the characters are, but you're right that there isn't really a sense of place/time established. I will endeavor to fix that.