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Moonlight Serenade Chapter 2



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Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:42 pm
Adriana says...



Spoiler! :
Guys, please, this is my first novel and I confess I'm totally afraid of not being able to do this... Would you help me?? English is not my first language. I learnt it by myself and I would thank you with all my heart if you help me to improve it. I'm sure there are some misspells and stuff... Tell me if you find something okay??


Chapter 2 – Ben

Ben Barion was practicing in front of the mirror how to salute the king when there was a sudden knock on the door.
“Who is it?” he yelled, trying to hide the traces of fright in his voice.
“Your mother” answered a voice.
Ben knew he was in trouble, but before he could do anything, Guinevere entered his room with a serious expression on her face. Of course she already knew he was still in his underwear. She always knew things like that.
Guinevere didn’t mind to speak a word. She kept looking at him in a way that made Ben wish she was yelling. It would have been definitely better.
“Mother, just give me five minutes.” He said, avoiding her face.
“You have three to be at the Hall, or you will lose Rock for another two weeks” her tone of voice let no doubts she was serious “Imagine the shame when the princes are practicing with Master Ludwig using real swords and you are alone using a stick.”
Ben simply couldn’t look at her and just lifted his head after he heard the door closing. It was so unfair he was treated like that! He was going to be a Lord someday, but people insisted on treating him like a normal child. Had they forgotten he was the one to inherit his father’s power and fortune? And now the king was coming… Ben already felt the atmosphere changing in the Castle. People suddenly more preoccupied with details, his mother paying even more attention to what he and his brother and sisters were doing. He couldn’t even play with Rock this morning.
“It is a weapon”, his father had said, “not a toy. While the king is here you should remember that.”
At the thought of his sword he remembered his mother’s threat and dressed quickly.
A few minutes later he was at the Hall already, where all the family was waiting for him. Edward had a nervous look on his face, only visible to the ones who knew him well. A stranger would say he had never looked so magnificent, so brave, in his blue silks.
Frederick, on his father’s right side, tried to imitate him, maybe to look older than he really was.
Of course, thought Ben, he wants to be the Lord someday. But he will not. I’m the older one.
Frederick had always been the perfect boy. Thirteen years old, too smart and big for his age. He looked a lot like his father, had the same serious expression, the same brown eyes and yellow hair. Everyone thought he was the older one, instead of Ben, and that only made him prouder.
Not for long, whispered Ben, walking slowly to his family, my name day is coming.
Guinevere stood on Edward’s left side, looking more beautiful than ever in her white dress, holding Anna in her arms. Ben wished he had his mother posture. But no, all he had was her feminine traces that made him look like a twelve year old girl, instead of a man.
A Lord, he corrected on his mind, I am a Lord.
And then there was Elizabeth, holding Guinevere’s hand. Like Anna, she had all her mother’s looks on her, except for the eyes. They were Edward’s.
For a minute, Ben let his mind wander, imagining they were his slaves, waiting to salute him, to kiss his right hand.
“Ben, come here. Now”, his mother’s voice woke him up, and he realized he had stopped walking.
“My Lord, he is at the Gate”, said Master Ludwig, entering the Hall quickly.
Edward and Guinevere exchanged a nervous look, and started to walk outside, their children behind them.
It was a pleasant time out there. The sun had already set, but its last rays made the sky look red like blood.
Ben’s first thought was that there was a whole city coming to the castle. Uncountable carriages were coming, each one drawn by two black horses, except for the biggest one, that was drawn by an animal Ben had never seen. It looked a lot like a horse, but was definitely larger and stronger. There was something about the eyes, but Ben could not see from that distance. And the color too was different. Was it the light, or was the horse red?
“Dad”, he asked Edward, “what is that animal?”
His father seemed to know what he meant, because he simply smiled and said:
“That is a direhorse, Ben”.
He waited for more, but Edward wouldn’t say anything else.
When the carriages approached, the biggest one stopped ahead of the others and a man came out. He was fat, had an ugly yellow hair and was dressing magnificent red clothes. Only when Ben saw his father kissing the man’s hand, he knew that was the king.
“Your majesty”, said Edward, “let me introduce you to my family”
The King looked at each one of them, serious.
“I am not here for introductions” he said, after what seemed a few minutes “I need to talk to lady Barion and it must be now.”
Last edited by Adriana on Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.


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Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:00 pm
Leahweird says...



Guinevere opened the door and entered his room

You dodn't need to say that she opened the door. It is implied her entering the room.


let no doubts she was serious “Imagine the shame when the princes are practicing with Master Ludwig using real swords and you alone using a stick.”


LEFT no doubt that she was serious. You alone ARE using a stick.

It was so unfair he was treated like that!

Something is off with this sentence.I can't put my finger on it. I would revise it entirely.

He couldn’t even play with Rock thin morning.

This morning


she had all her mother’s traces on her, except for the eyes.

You've used traces in the previous pohrasing. Try using a different would, like looks.

He waited for more, but Edward wouldn’t say anything else, so he just waited.

Again, you repeat a word. I would change one of the "waited" to something else.

Alright, now to the real review. The other stuff was just nitpicky things that everyone has the first draft. I liked how this chapter had a clearer sense of direction and plot. A couple lingering things. Why was Guenivere so mad at Ben? Just because he was late? And how old is Ben exactly?
Also, are there other children besides Frederick and Ana? Because I think you pluralized brother and sisters above.

Write on!
  





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Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:54 pm
Deanie says...



Big sis!

Here is the review you have been waiting for... er... I hope its of some use!

Well I love how you started this second chapter. It's more introducing. We get to find out about Ben and his love for his sword. Then we also get to know more about the family and how they act and look. And we get even more of a sense of tension from all the worry about the king arriving.

I couldn't see any spelling mistakes that Leah was able to catch except this one:

Adriana wrote:“Your majesty”, said Edward, “let me introduce you my family”


Here I think you mean 'let me introduce you to my family'.


But Adriana I think this is all really good and I would like to see what happens now that the king has arrived.

Deanie x
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