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Young Writers Society


Becoming- Prolouge



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Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:20 am
Zee says...



The errand boy ran through the dark shadows of the castle, his green satin cloak trailing behind. As the young boy rounded a corner his cloak made a whipping sound in the still air as his presence disturbed it. As his footsteps slowed, so did the thumping sound that erupted each time his tattered boots hit the hard stone.
Once his pace had slowed to a quiet walk, he pushed aside a red velvet banner that hung on the wall, revealing an even darker tunnel that filled the corridor with a musty scent. The boy seemed unperturbed by the gloomy gap in the wall for he looked around furtively before leaping noiselessly forward and landing in the tunnel with a dull thud. The banner fell back into place blocking even the smallest particle of light from entering.
A chill ran down his spine as the errand boy slipped of his boots only to replace them with woven cloth shoes that would muffle the sound of his light steps. It seemed an unnecessary precaution to the boy, especially at such a late hour when the armoured guards bothered not to patrol this side of the palace. But he knew that it would not do him any good to be caught and so it was better to stay on the safe side. It is for that very reason that he waited until he had crept a few paces forwards and rounded a corner before lighting a torch that lay on the ground hidden in the blackness.
Shadows danced on the grime covered walls seeming to chase the boy as his pace quickened once more. The sound of his racing heart pounded in his ears and his breath came in sharp intakes. He both wanted and needed to stop and rest after running for some hours to deliver the message that was zooming around inside of his skull. But he forced himself to keep going even as a new stream of sweat began flowing from him, for he knew he was near his destination. And although he feared the recipient of his important message, he continued to think of the rewards he would be sure to reap after sharing the truth only he knew…
A few paces ahead of the boy, yet another glowing red curtain covered the exit to the tunnel. Bounding forwards and stretching out his hand, he grasped it firmly and tore it away. Sounds of shock and then disgust reached his ears before he could even see the party gathered on the other side of the space where the curtain had previously hung.
After a short delay he remembered his manners and uttered almost incoherently, “My King, I sincerely apologise for disgracing your presence in this manner but I believe that I may have news that is of interest to you.” After letting the words escape he bowed slightly and awaited the king’s reply.
“If you would bother to look around child,” a chubby man dressed in elegant clothes said in blatant disgust, “Then you would see that we are busy and that you are not welcome here.” The man gestured around him to where a group of twelve men sat at a large oak table. At the head of the table sat King Orland who stared at the boy with a quizzical expression on his face.
“What is your name boy?” The muscular king implored in a voice that sounded almost violent.
“Henry Mechlin sir,” fear was most evident in his voice and the cruel king seemed to be fully aware of that simple fact.
“Why,” a wide smirk came across King Orland’s malicious face, “is such a petty child as you in my dining hall? You are not dressed like a servant and yet you use my old servant passage ways. Explain yourself right this very instant or I shall have you removed from this world.”
“As I said before, my King, I have news for you that I-“
“Why is not my usual messenger here? You have no right whatsoever to claim his place! “King Orland’s voice boomed and he advanced upon Henry, glaring down at him.
“I am not-“Henry began but was stopped.
“Hush child! I am king and I am not finished! But very well if you have a message for me then you best spit it out and fast too before I lose my fragile temper.”
Henry frowned slightly thinking what best to do. He had not anticipated this reaction from the king even though he knew he was cruel and viscous. Not wanting to remain mute too long he decided to simply come out with what he had come to say. So he took a big breath of air and opened his mouth. “He has returned, King Orland.”
A gasp escaped from the King’s lips and a muscle twitched in his face. “You’re sure of this? What was your name again?”
“Henry,” one of the men around the table offered.
“Ah yes. So it is. Well Henry I think it best that you wait for me in that room over there,” he gestured behind him at a large wooden door. “I shall be with you in a moment and we shall discuss this in private.
As Henry cautiously walked past the king and through the door, the company of men all looked at the king with questioning faces.
“Leave me now. Everybody!” King Orland commanded. Within moments the room was clear of all but the king who then proceeded to summon a guard. Once a young man in silver polished armour came up to the king, he said, “I shall go and converse with an insolent child and at my instruction you shall enter the room and take him from my sight. Then you shall take away his life.”
The guard looked hesitant but simply nodded.
Last edited by Zee on Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Zee
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 2:03 pm
AlfonsoFernandez says...



Wow! That was a really good story! It caught me when I started reading it just until the end. There is just a mistake I'd like to point out:
He had not anticipated this reaction from the king even though he knew he was cruel and viscous.
I think in "viscous" you meant to say "vicious", because viscous means "sticky, thick, adhesive".
I didn't find any other mistakes so I think it's all good, although I think you should change the title. One doesn't sound very catchy, I just read it because it was fantasy. Anyway, good job!
"True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read."
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Sun Dec 04, 2011 2:32 pm
ladymarmalade says...



Nice story! I would love to keep on reading this. The only issue I had was in the second paragraph a few less adjectives I think would have made it a bit more gripping. I had to reread it a few times to grasp it fully. I encourage you to keep writing this! I'll be looking forward to it! :)
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 2:39 pm
EvensLily says...



Heya Zee,
This is a curious piece of writing, I lover the era and your great way that you write. It's really fantasic!
Just a few NitPicks :)
the armoured guards - A spelling mistake, armored.
silver polished armour came up- this is another spelling mistake, it should be armor
Palace. But, his skull. But I really dislike but starting a sentence, i feel it is lazy writing, try However.
I sometimes think that your sentences are too long and you should add some commers where you think they might be a little more appropriate. If you proff read this with a more critical eye it will be great. Your sentence structure needs a bit of work so just read up on it again and see what changes you need to make.
Other than that (which is really Nitpicky), i thought it was excellent, keep up the good work.
Love,
Evenslily x
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