Young Writers Society

Chapter 1

The young boy ran down the road, pushing the angry passersby aside, ignoring their protests. The older man behind him panted as he tried to keep up with the fit teenager. Dodging between people, they raced past the widely spread cottages and houses. The boy suddenly scooped down, taking a large wad of mud, before whipping around and hurling it at his pursuers head. The man yelled and stumbled, trying to scrape the muck out of his eyes, before stepping in a hole and falling to the ground with an unpleasant noise as he sunk a half in inch in mud on impact. The teen let out of triumphant hoot of laughter before facing forward and continuing on down the street.
Once he lost sight of the man, he stopped and reached under his shirt, bringing out a carefully wrapped package. His eyes widened, not able to believe his luck. He untied the string holding the cloth in place and let the wrapping fall to the ground. In his hand, he held one of the sugary cakes, that nobody except the Duke and royal family ever tasted. The rumor was they imported them from outside the town and they were worth no less than a hundred bags of corn. Nobody ever left the village, so he couldn’t understand how they got them, but he didn’t care at the moment. He licked his lips and glanced around, looking for a safe place to eat his prize where nobody would see.
He yelped in shock as another boy, slightly older, dropped down from the roof a few feet away. “Corraidhín.” The other boy said, eyebrows raised. “Why the guilty look?” His eyes fell to the cake and his jaw dropped. “Tell me that’s not-”
Corraidhín grinned. “It is. But I’m not sharing, ok. I worked too hard to get this. Elder Áedh was bringing a load of them to the Duke’s castle and I managed to snag one out of his basket. He saw me, but I can outrun him any day.”
The other boy looked sadly at the cake. “You set on eating that yourself? Just one taste?”
“Fine.” Corraidhín snapped, rolling his eyes. “I spoil you, Cadeyrn. Here.” He broke off a small piece, enjoying how much softer and easier to split it was than hard bread. He handed it to Cadeyrn who stared at it almost reverently. “Well, don’t sit around all day. Let’s eat it before somebody sees and takes it back!” Not waiting for Cadeyrn, he took a bite out of the cake.

It was pure heaven. He let the taste fill his mouth and he smiled. No wonder they reserved this for the Duke only. Whatever tasted this good just had to be off limits. Before he knew it, he had eaten the whole thing. He leaned against the wall, licking his fingers, and glanced over at Cadeyrn. “Not bad, eh?” He asked, smirking at the expression on his face.

“To think I almost let you eat it all yourself.” Cadeyrn said in awe.

“Well, come on. Let’s not dwell on almosts. We have to get more of these!”

Cadeyrn scoffed. “After losing one so easily, they’ll probably have assigned warriors to protect the carrier. Good luck even catching a glimpse of one of those again.” He sighed mournfully.

“Oh, we’ll find a way. But until the next shipment, let’s not worry. Look, there’s a crops cart!”

“Corraidhín, there’s no way you’ll get away with two thieveries in one day.” Cadeyrn warned him, eyes narrowed

“Who said anything about stealing? I just figured you might want a way back to your place without having to walk. But if you like walking, be my guest.” He shrugged and started heading towards the back of the cart.

“Idiot!” He heard the yell behind him. Cadeyrn came running up and shoved him in the back. Corraidhín laughed and they raced each other to the cart.

Hi Maleficia! I will be reviewing this piece today!

First Impressions
My first impressions of this piece were that it was quite good.It seems quite interesting and it's intruiging that people aren't allowed to leave the town. There were a few problems, but I'll deal with them later, in Nitpicks. I just want to say that I think the piece was good, but the first line let it down. It doesn't hook the reader enough. I would suggest just tweaking it a bit to make it more interesting.

Nitpicks

The young boy ran down the road, pushing the angry passersby aside, ignoring their protests.The passerby should be plural if it's their protests The older man behind him panted as he tried to keep up with the quick and fit teenager.The last part of this sentence sounds a bit clumsy, the "quick and fit teenager". Try either saying quick or fit. Dodging between people, they raced past the widely spread cottages and houses. The boy’s feet started hitting the dirt path harder, spraying mud up at his pursuers eyes. The man yelled and stumbled, trying to scrape the muck out of his eyes, before stepping in a hole and falling to the ground with an unpleasant noise as he sunk a half in inch in mud on impact.So his strategy is to run in a strange way so as to flick mud into his pursuer's face? If I was being chased by someone, I would throw mud at them, not flick my heels up to spray their face with little pieces of mud. Trust me, flicking your feet is not going to propel enough mud through the air to make someone stop in their tracks to scrape it out of their eyes. The teen, who had looked back briefly to make sure his technique had worked, let out of triumphant hoot of laughter before slowing to a jog and continuing on down the street.
He stopped once he lost sight of the man and reached under his shirt, bringing out a carefully wrapped package. His eyes widened, not able to believe his luck. He untied the string holding the cloth in place and let the wrapping fall to the ground. In his hand, he held one of the sugary cakes, that nobody except the Duke and royal family ever tasted. The rumor was they imported them from outside the town and they were worth no less than 100 Write 100 as "a hundred"bags of corn. Nobody ever left the village, so he couldn’t understand how they got them, but he didn’t care at the moment. He licked his lips and glanced around, looking for a safe place to eat his prize where nobody would see.
He yelped in shock as another boy, slightly older, dropped down from the roof a few feet away. “Corraidhín. Why the guilty look?” In this part, it's not clear who's saying what. Try putting "the boy said" or something.His eyes fell to the cake and his jaw dropped. “Tell me that’s not-”
Corraidhín grinned. “It is. But I’m not sharing, ok. I worked too hard to get this. Elder Áedh was bringbringing a load of them to the Duke’s castle and I managed to snag one out of his basket. He saw me, but I can outrun that old toad any day.”
The other boy looked sadly at the cake. “You set on eating that yourself? Just one taste?”
“Fine.” Corraidhín snapped, rolling his eyes. “I spoil you, Cadeyrn. Here.” He broke off a small piece, enjoying how much softer and easier to split it was than hard bread. He handed it to Cadeyrn who stared at it almost reverantly.It should be "Reverently" “Well, don’t sit around all day. Let’s eat it before somebody sees and takes it back!” Not waiting for Cadeyrn, he took a bite out of the cake.

It was pure heaven. He let the taste fill his mouth and he smiled. No wonder they reserved this for the Duke only. Whatever tasted this good just had to be off limits. Before he knew it, he had eaten the whole thing. He leaned against the wall, licking his fingers, and glanced over at Cadeyrn. “Not bad, eh?” He asked, smirking at the expression on his face.

“To think I almost let you eat it all yourself.” Cadeyrn said in awe.

“Well, come on. Let’s not dwell on almosts. We have to get more of these!”

Cadeyrn scoffed. “After losing one so easily, they’ll probably assigned warriors to protect the carrier.It should be: "They'll probably have assigned warriors" Good luck even catching a glimpse of one of those again.” He sighed mournfully.

“Oh, we’ll find a way. But until the next shipment, let’s not worry. Look, there’s a crops cart!”

“Corraidhín, there’s no way you’ll get away with two thievery's in one day.”"thievery's" should be thieveries Cadeyrn warned him, eyes narrowed

“Who said anything about stealing? I just figured you might want a way back to your place without having to walk. But if you like walking, be my guest.” He shrugged and started heading towards the back of the cart.

“Rock-brain!” He heard the yell behind him. Cadeyrn came running up and shoved him in the back. Corraidhín laughed and they raced each other to the cart.

Overall
Overall there were just two main problems I had with this. The first one was the names. Corraidhín,Cadeyrn,Áedh, I have no idea how to pronounce these names, even in my head. I'm not saying it's bad to have interesting names, but it interrupts the flow of your writing, as everytime you write them, the reader has to stop to try and figure out how to pronounce them.
The second problem was the names they called each other. No one in real life calls each other Rock brain and Old toad unless they're five years old. You say they're both teenage boys: I doubt you'd hear teenage boys calling each other Rock brain.

Please don't think I'm being harsh! Overall, I like the plot, I think you've got an interesting story, there are just some things you need to fix.

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I like how you started it, not revealing what the boy was running from. This helped to build the tension. However, I felt that some of the sentences were a little clumsy in the first couple of paragraphs. I have a few tips that I find help to improve flow in my writing - I hope that they're helpful. One is to try not to start too many sentences with "the". You could also start sentences with something other than a noun.

He stopped once he lost sight of the man and reached under his shirt, bringing out a carefully wrapped package.

In sentences like this you could start it, "Once he lost sight of the man, he stopped and..."
You could also try merging sentences together by subordinating clauses or using hyphens and semi-colons.
These are just some tips that I was given when I started writing that I find can really help with the flow in action scenes like this one.
I think you did a very good job of establishing the relationship between the two boys at the end of the passage. You get the feeling of friendship across in only a few words. I cound the story very interesting and I'd love to read more.

Aquareed wrote:Hi Maleficia! I will be reviewing this piece today!

First Impressions
My first impressions of this piece were that it was quite good.It seems quite interesting and it's intruiging that people aren't allowed to leave the town. There were a few problems, but I'll deal with them later, in Nitpicks. I just want to say that I think the piece was good, but the first line let it down. It doesn't hook the reader enough. I would suggest just tweaking it a bit to make it more interesting.

Nitpicks

The young boy ran down the road, pushing the angry passersby aside, ignoring their protests.The passerby should be plural if it's their protests The older man behind him panted as he tried to keep up with the quick and fit teenager.The last part of this sentence sounds a bit clumsy, the "quick and fit teenager". Try either saying quick or fit. Dodging between people, they raced past the widely spread cottages and houses. The boy’s feet started hitting the dirt path harder, spraying mud up at his pursuers eyes. The man yelled and stumbled, trying to scrape the muck out of his eyes, before stepping in a hole and falling to the ground with an unpleasant noise as he sunk a half in inch in mud on impact.So his strategy is to run in a strange way so as to flick mud into his pursuer's face? If I was being chased by someone, I would throw mud at them, not flick my heels up to spray their face with little pieces of mud. Trust me, flicking your feet is not going to propel enough mud through the air to make someone stop in their tracks to scrape it out of their eyes. The teen, who had looked back briefly to make sure his technique had worked, let out of triumphant hoot of laughter before slowing to a jog and continuing on down the street.
He stopped once he lost sight of the man and reached under his shirt, bringing out a carefully wrapped package. His eyes widened, not able to believe his luck. He untied the string holding the cloth in place and let the wrapping fall to the ground. In his hand, he held one of the sugary cakes, that nobody except the Duke and royal family ever tasted. The rumor was they imported them from outside the town and they were worth no less than 100 Write 100 as "a hundred"bags of corn. Nobody ever left the village, so he couldn’t understand how they got them, but he didn’t care at the moment. He licked his lips and glanced around, looking for a safe place to eat his prize where nobody would see.
He yelped in shock as another boy, slightly older, dropped down from the roof a few feet away. “Corraidhín. Why the guilty look?” In this part, it's not clear who's saying what. Try putting "the boy said" or something.His eyes fell to the cake and his jaw dropped. “Tell me that’s not-”
Corraidhín grinned. “It is. But I’m not sharing, ok. I worked too hard to get this. Elder Áedh was bringbringing a load of them to the Duke’s castle and I managed to snag one out of his basket. He saw me, but I can outrun that old toad any day.”
The other boy looked sadly at the cake. “You set on eating that yourself? Just one taste?”
“Fine.” Corraidhín snapped, rolling his eyes. “I spoil you, Cadeyrn. Here.” He broke off a small piece, enjoying how much softer and easier to split it was than hard bread. He handed it to Cadeyrn who stared at it almost reverantly.It should be "Reverently" “Well, don’t sit around all day. Let’s eat it before somebody sees and takes it back!” Not waiting for Cadeyrn, he took a bite out of the cake.

It was pure heaven. He let the taste fill his mouth and he smiled. No wonder they reserved this for the Duke only. Whatever tasted this good just had to be off limits. Before he knew it, he had eaten the whole thing. He leaned against the wall, licking his fingers, and glanced over at Cadeyrn. “Not bad, eh?” He asked, smirking at the expression on his face.

“To think I almost let you eat it all yourself.” Cadeyrn said in awe.

“Well, come on. Let’s not dwell on almosts. We have to get more of these!”

Cadeyrn scoffed. “After losing one so easily, they’ll probably assigned warriors to protect the carrier.It should be: "They'll probably have assigned warriors" Good luck even catching a glimpse of one of those again.” He sighed mournfully.

“Oh, we’ll find a way. But until the next shipment, let’s not worry. Look, there’s a crops cart!”

“Corraidhín, there’s no way you’ll get away with two thievery's in one day.”"thievery's" should be thieveries Cadeyrn warned him, eyes narrowed

“Who said anything about stealing? I just figured you might want a way back to your place without having to walk. But if you like walking, be my guest.” He shrugged and started heading towards the back of the cart.

“Rock-brain!” He heard the yell behind him. Cadeyrn came running up and shoved him in the back. Corraidhín laughed and they raced each other to the cart.

Overall
Overall there were just two main problems I had with this. The first one was the names. Corraidhín,Cadeyrn,Áedh, I have no idea how to pronounce these names, even in my head. I'm not saying it's bad to have interesting names, but it interrupts the flow of your writing, as everytime you write them, the reader has to stop to try and figure out how to pronounce them.
The second problem was the names they called each other. No one in real life calls each other Rock brain and Old toad unless they're five years old. You say they're both teenage boys: I doubt you'd hear teenage boys calling each other Rock brain.

Please don't think I'm being harsh! Overall, I like the plot, I think you've got an interesting story, there are just some things you need to fix.

Ok. Is that I bit better? I changed some things. I wasn't sure how to fix the first line as you suggested, so I left it. As for the names, I was sort of aiming for them to be weird. If you think they're too strange, I could change them but they are real names, not made up.

Cadeyrn: CAY-der-ryn
Áedh: Ay-ed
Corraidhín: Corr-eye-dey-n

AmethystNight wrote:Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I like how you started it, not revealing what the boy was running from. This helped to build the tension. However, I felt that some of the sentences were a little clumsy in the first couple of paragraphs. I have a few tips that I find help to improve flow in my writing - I hope that they're helpful. One is to try not to start too many sentences with "the". You could also start sentences with something other than a noun.

He stopped once he lost sight of the man and reached under his shirt, bringing out a carefully wrapped package.

In sentences like this you could start it, "Once he lost sight of the man, he stopped and..."
You could also try merging sentences together by subordinating clauses or using hyphens and semi-colons.
These are just some tips that I was given when I started writing that I find can really help with the flow in action scenes like this one.
I think you did a very good job of establishing the relationship between the two boys at the end of the passage. You get the feeling of friendship across in only a few words. I cound the story very interesting and I'd love to read more.

Thanks I missed that bit. Appreciate your info