Young Writers Society

Ah. I am going to feel useless after everyone just gave you deep crits. But they took all the crit up what can I say? Hmm...some people were just slightly harsh, but I pretty much disagree with anything that was negetive. I liked the storyline, I found it to be very interesting and if you pm me again to let me know there's more I'll definately read it and crit it for you---:P good job! All I can say is that although you didn't create extremely strong characters at first meeting, I'm sure you'll develop them and let the readers get to know them throughout.

Over and Out--

Misty Lynn

If you write about the Victorian Era, you should do a little research into the things you write about. The Victorians had unfair treatment but I don't think Emily would be transported for that long, it should be a year or two depending on what she stole and who she took it from. Also she would be in gaol at first but if she steals and gets caught three or four times that is when the court will decide to transport her, otherwise she will go to prison if it is her very first time.

"I was only taking those things to give to my ailing mother and father, but of course, the jury never understands compassion." -- In your prologue Emily said 'Mama', you should then use mama and papa here or change the prologue to say mother and father.

It shouldn't be a soldier in the court, it should be a prison guard or a policeman, a soldier would have nothing to do with this sort of trial (unless he was a witness).

Again, where are Emily's parents? Their daughter is about to leave for a strange new country and they don't seem to care.

I think someone already said that this was rushed a bit and I agree. You could have put a little description into who was at the court. Isn't Emily's parents there? If not maybe you could say why.

The strange thing is the soldier, why is he there? You said something about a parade but he shouldn't be at the court, it should be a policeman that leads Emily back to her cell.

It'll be interesting to know what happens to Emily when she gets transported because I am writing about a woman in a madhouse and the conditions were the same in prisons and madhouses.

Thanks Niobe....but I don't quite agree with your suggestions....

I know a lot about the transportation and convict era, and the smallest term for anyone was 5 years, and the average was seven, no matter what they did. The convicts were transported because the prisons and haulks were full, and couldn't take any more.
There were no 'policemen', only soldiers...
As mentioned, Emily's parents are sick (remember, her father had a heart attack) and there would be nothing they could do to lessen the sentence...
There was generally only witnesses at court, since they had about 50 trials go through each day, and although some public did come, just to poke fun at the crimminals...

But thanks for taking the time to comment on this

The first policemen were formed in the Victorian Era, soldiers spent more time in India or around the Empire than in England. I should know because my great-great-grand something spent all his life in India, he was English but had never been to England unless it was for a holiday.
And some convicts were hanged for their crimes, transportation wasn't always favoured.

OH NO!

It's the OKAY alert!

In Victorian England they would not have said 'okay'. (Yes, I learned this the hard way...) Find an appropriate replacement for it and then get rid of it, by all means!

I really liked the way that the prologue led into the first chapter- there was an obvious connection, though you didn't make us feel stupid and explain everything. There was a little left to our imaginations, which is always fun as a reader.

For drama purposes: ' The soldier promised, his voice breaking, as his heart felt for this young woman with no hopeful future before her.'

The soldier sees stuff like this every day, so why would this particular girl strike him as so special that he'd take the time to help her and her family from da ghetto out? Explain what he saw in her that moved him so much.

Other than that...third chapter ahoy!

Thanks Sam The soldier is the young man who Emily met in the prologue

Woah! Sublety!

Either that or I've got an extremely short attention span.

Lol, probably both

I know this is old, but I just thought I'd throw in my two cents worth. Looks like everyone has done a pretty thorough critique, but there's a few points I could add in. I've read a bit of historical fiction, and in general those that have a love story of some kind are more effective when that love story becomes apparent after perhaps a few chapters, not the first few paragraphs. Just my thoughts. Dickens for example usually created an atmosphere of other emotions (often that of a rejected or orphaned child) before bringing in the added emotional dimensions of a love situation.
Also imo the chapters are fairly short, but I guess I'm used to reading long books

That is an interesting point... I can see what you mean; I'll have to think about it. Yes, the chapters are rather short, but I'm working on that