Young Writers Society

The month of August 1943 was one Alyssa would never forget. The air was full of the hazy smell of summer: sweet, cloying, like every flower was fighting for their last chance to be smelled.
It was underneath one such patch of fragrant blossoms that John lay waiting.


Alyssa was still young when Jonathan Smith came into her life. Touched by the rosy cheeks and glassy eyes of adolescence, she presented a pretty little picture – and a flagrant disregard for rules.
No matter how many times Cook scolded her, spanked her or threatened her with a week of hunger, nothing could keep her away from the woods behind her home.
The trees called to her. They whispered sweet urgings in the dead of night. The wind that whistled so falsely in stone corners, beckoned her. Even the moon came out to show her the way.
But it was the flowers, those small, enticing seducers, that screamed her name.
What else could she do but wander?


She didn’t want to show it to anyone. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she should have. But the summer was dying and Alyssa felt her las chance for adventure burning in the rusted dog tag. After all, what better adventure could there be, than unearthing a treasure?
It was the silver that caught her eye. It blinded her one morning and brought a scowl to her delicate features.
“What are you?” she whispered, bending down to search for the source of the flash. What she found was nestled between leaves and needles and forest bedding. It was a rusted dog tag, bearing a simple name:

Smith, Jonathan (John)

The name meant nothing to Alyssa, and yet she couldn’t get it out of her head. She rubbed the only remaining patch of silver, feeling her skin catch over the engraved letters.
“John.”
Alyssa wrinkled her nose. The name sounded suddenly strange to her. She knew a few Johns, useless little boys who threw mud. But somehow she didn’t think this John would be a boy. He would be a man.
“Alyssa!”
She jumped. It was like a sharp rap over her knuckles. She clutched the dog tag behind her back as she spun around.
“What are you doing here?” her uncle asked. “Alone, in the woods?”
Alyssa gulped. Her uncle’s voice was low and poisonous. He stood next to one of the climbing oak trees, fingering the loose bark. He was dressed in a dark suite and the toothbrush moustache was black as ever.
“Nothing uncle,” she whispered.
“What’s that?”
Alyssa clutched the dog tag tighter. “Just something I picked up.”
“Give it to me.”
She didn’t want to, but her uncle’s eyes burned her face. Slowly, step for step she made her way to where he stood. He held out a long-fingered hand. When Alyssa placed it in his hand he barely glanced at it, but held her gaze.
“You’ve been naughty again Alyssa,” he said, softer now. He bent down to her eyelevel and her lips pursed. “You should be punished.”
His fingers snapped off a piece bark. The crack was louder than it should’ve been but it broke the spell. Alyssa looked away, spite burning at the loss of her discovered treasure.
“I shall go home straight away then,” she breathed.
She turned and sprinted back to the mansion, shoulder just slipping from her uncle’s grasp.

Hey, Willow!

Yay! More World War Two stuff. I thought the angle you took with this was interesting--Alyssa isn't on the front lines, and kind of lives her life in a bubble, not to mention that the adults in her life are kind of mean. XD It makes for good conflict, though, and having her younger is a fun way to work the narrative.

IN COGNITO

It was sort of odd to read this piece because I honestly had no idea where it was taking place. The only true geographic marker we get is the forest, but we don't know what kind of forest it is, and can only rule out a few places (like deserts) on the globe. If it's a country that's involved in the war, then her discovery of the dog tag makes more sense.

You can also cheat a little and put a location and date note at the type--Paris, 1945, and so forth. If you do that, be aware that you still need to add more setting description. Putting a time stamp is only half of a solution.

MOTIVES

Since it's the first chapter, I don't need to know everything about Alyssa, but it would be really nice to know more about the people in her life. We know that the cook might spank her, but we don't know why the cook is in charge of her punishments--where are her parents? We don't know why she lives with her uncle or why he's in the woods. If it's not something you can write in directly, you need to at least show Alyssa's confusion about the circumstances so that we don't feel completely in the dark.

___

Thanks for the read, Willow! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else. ^_^

Wow, this was quite unique. It had me interested until the uncle said "you have been naughty again". Straight away it makes it sound like she's only about 10. How old is this girl? The way you describe her view of the flowers etc makes her sound a lot older. Why do we need to fear the uncle?

What she found was nestled between leaves and needles and forest bedding. It was a rusted dog tag, bearing a simple name:

This is a bit confusing. When you read the first sentance it feels like you're meant to find out then what it was that she found, instead of in the next. Also, leaves and pine needles are forest bedding...
How about:

What she found was a rusted dog tag, nestled between leaves and needles on the forest floor. Inscribed on the tag, was a simple name:

Smith, Jonathon (John)

Argh, that 'simple name' bit is bothering me though. Maybe 'inscribed simply'? But that means something different.

Anyway, they're just suggestions.

Am looking forward to more

As far as first chapters go, this pretty much did it's job. We get quite a clear idea of the strictness and austerity of the house where Alyssa lives, and of the world in which everyone was living at the time.

I would question, however, your choice of name for your main character. Everything about this chapter sounds like 1943, other than the name Alyssa. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt that name would be common that long ago, if it even existed at all.

On the other hand, I absolutely love the first paragraph. It flows so well and describes so vividly; it's such a good way to pull in readers. Certainly worked for me

Good luck with the rest of this. I'll read more if you post it

Josh

Wow....this was really good. I agree with Sam; tell us a little bit more where she is. I didn't even realize this was WWII until Sam mentioned it.

There is one thing I have to point out, though:

“You’ve been naughty again Alyssa,” he said, softer now. He bent down to her eyelevel and her lips pursed. “You should be punished.”

This doesn't seem natural to me. I mean, seriously, would you say something like that? Just comes off awkward. Maybe if he was speaking to a three year old, but she's talking a bit too fluently for that.

Other than that, well done, mate.

pm me if you have any questions at all!

~Vee

Spectacular. I have little to add on this story so far. You do an excellent job of describing the surroundings and providing motives for Alyssa.

I like this story so far, but I agree with the first reviewer, you need to describe settings a bit more. The wording used in this story makes me think it's based in England somewhere, but please be more specific next time.