Young Writers Society

(continued from chapter one, part one)
“Alright, looks like we’re here.” Virgil stepped on the brakes, and the tires screeched a greeting to the curb as the car pulled up to it. After Bruce took the keys and his them in the glove box, the three suited men exited the car.
“Where are we?” Harmony guessed that they were going into one of the two open garage doors on the warehouse in front of them. There were several men in ragged overalls carrying boxes, pulling on ropes, and one worker grumbling all manners of profanity as he slammed his foot against a large crate. It looked every bit like a place where a business would be centered; but Bruce instead led them down a nearby alleyway and to a dead end.
“You’ll see in a minute, kid,” Virgil assured him, patting him on the shoulder.
Bruce removed a loose brick from the wall and retrieved a key from the space there. It looked like it could have been a car key, but there was no dealer’s logo on the wide part.
After returning to the main street from the alley, the three made their way down the sidewalk to a simple bar at the corner. Harmony watched, attempting to create the perfect question to ask as Bruce walked over to the counter, shook hands with the bartender, and stepped behind the bar to a doorway. He used the mystery key in the door large, polished, expensive-looking door and beckoned for Harmony and Virgil to follow.
The room behind the bar couldn’t be anything special; it wasn’t anything more than a small, dark space with no windows, and a telephone sitting on a desk at the far wall. Bruce picked up the phone and dialed a number with the quickness of someone who knew it by heart and called it often.
“This is one of the family’s private lines,” Virgil whispered to Harmony as Bruce spoke.
“Sir, it’s Bruce. He’s agreed to your proposition.” Bruce’s voice sounded deep and scratchy as he greeted the other person on the line. “Alright…okay…yes sir, I’ll tell him.” With a nod to no one, Bruce hung up and smiled as he turned to Harmony and Virgil.
“Who was that?” Harmony asked, adjusting the brim of his hat nervously.
“Gonzaga Rotunno, counselor and second son to the head of the family,” Bruce replied. “I was calling to notify him of your response.”
“And…?”
“He’s pleased to hear of your acceptance, and he’d like to set up a meeting for later in the week. Until then it’s better if you sell your apartment and move in with Virgil,” Bruce explained.
“Yeah, kid! It’ll be good having you. I can help protect our new prospect.” Virgil patted him on the shoulder.
“Protect? What would I need protection from?” Harmony didn’t have long to focus before the door of the bar was violently slammed open and a man stormed up to the counter. The lapels of his suit jacket were shifting rapidly with his angry hyperventilating.
“Bruce!” He shouted, slamming a fist down on the bar.
“What do you want, Ralph?” Virgil asked, stepping up first and looking down his nose at the shorter man.
“You know this is pretty far off your turf, buddy. You’re in no position to be slamming doors.” Bruce added his two cents with a smug grin.
“Your boy owes me another hundred! He took one more crate than we agreed on!” The man called Ralph stretched himself up to his full height, which seemed to be aided by the large vein Harmony could see bulging in his neck.
“I took what you brought me, that was the deal,” Virgil calmly stated. “Now if you’d be so kind, we have business to attend to, so we’ll be leaving.”
Harmony didn’t take his eyes off of Ralph as the three of them exited the bar and back toward the alley to return the key to its hiding place. But as Bruce reinserted the brick into the wall and they turned to leave, Ralph came running toward them and delivered a powerful punch to the side of Virgil’s head, knocking him out and sending him falling against the wall.
“You owe me another fucking hundred!” He shouted again, almost spitting in Bruce's face as he leaned in close.
Bruce didn’t flinch, yell back, or even raise his eyebrows. “Ralph, we have no business to do here. So you may fix your collar and leave now, and I would advise doing it before Virgil wakes up.”
Harmony could feel his muscles tensing up with stress as Ralph’s neck vein rippled again and clenched his teeth in rage. Bruce’s nonchalant reaction was quite apparently making him even angrier.
Ralph raised a fist, ready to deal a blow to Bruce’s smiling jaw. “I want my due! And I want it right fucking now!”
Just as Harmony closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see a painful strike at his employer, he heard a thump, and then Ralph was falling to the ground. Harmony looked up and around, and saw Virgil staggering on his feet holding a rusty lead pipe; it had evidently fallen from the empty socket on the old water heater attached to the wall next to him. Its insulting mark was a dark blue bruise on Ralph’s head. With some sort of inexplicable energy, he brought it down a second time, a third time, and once more until the bricks underneath them were stained with gleaming red blood, and Ralph's head sported an ugly, splitting crack.
“There, consider yourself paid in full.” With a raspy voice and a chuckle, Virgil fell back against the wall he was previously leaned against, back into unconsciousness. It was remarkable he'd even stayed up as long as he did.
Only an unaffected Bruce and a sweating Harmony were left standing in the alleyway. Bruce chuckled and looked over at the slumped Virgil, then to Ralph. “You always were a hard case, Virgil. You’re a good man.”
“Who was that?” Harmony shouted, throwing his hands up in stress and confusion.
“A troublemaker from the Marizzi family’s payroll. We’ve been on neutral terms for a while now, but if they find out we attacked one of their button men, they’re be hell to pay . . .”
“What? What do you mean?” Harmony asked, now a little scared of a potential vengeance coming in their direction.
Before Bruce could answer, more footsteps sounded in the alleyway, and Harmony turned to see another advancing figure. And while this one wasn’t angry, it was ten times as frightening.
“Well, fancy meeting you here, Pikerson,” the beat cop said, his eyes flickering from Ralph’s body to Virgil. “We have any trouble?”
“We sure do. It just walked up to greet me.” Bruce met the policeman’s intense gaze bit for bit.
“A shame ol’ Ralph had to go barking around the wrong yard. Mr. Marizzi isn’t going to like this.” The officer shook his head as he looked over the limp body of Ralph again. Harmony’s heart leaped into his throat when he realized that this cop was working for the Marizzi family.
“Loose lips sink ships, and sometimes you can even drown,” Bruce cautioned, raising an eyebrow.
Harmony jumped as the officer shoved Bruce against the back wall of the alley. “Don’t get smart with me, asshole! I didn’t come to play around!”
He drew his baton to enforce his point, raising it so his hand was level with Bruce’s head. Even though Bruce wasn’t the least bit intimidated, Harmony felt a fire of anger ignite in his stomach. How dare this officer come marching in and threaten them! He knew that policemen were supposed to uphold the law, but at that moment, he didn't care; this man was about to hurt Bruce, and there was no way he would allow that. With very much adrenaline and very little thought, Harmony shoved his way between them, yanked the baton from a bulky hand and smacked the handle across the policeman’s snarling face. He fell to the ground, landing on top of Ralph, making now a total of three unmoving bodies in the alleyway.
Harmony dropped the baton in shock of his spent burst of courage, and Bruce put a strong hand on his shoulder.
“We should get moving before anyone else shows up. The body count’s too high as it is.” With the last deadly serious phrase, Bruce hefted Virgil onto his shoulders and walked back to the car, with Harmony glancing back ever few seconds in case the officer came to and wanted revenge.
Bruce deposited Virgil’s body in the back seat of the car, and he and Harmony took their own seats and pulled out of their parking space. After a few minutes, Bruce nudged Harmony’s elbow to get his attention.
“Let me be very clear about this, buddy. The Rotunno family is not without its enemies. You’ve already met Ralph, and if that police officer ever reports back to Marizzi, we’re in for a lot of explanation.” Bruce’s eyes travelled over to his young passenger, ignoring the road to deliver his chilling and important message.
“They might send someone after you to get a chokehold on me. If that ever happens, don’t ever tell them anything. About me, or Virgil, or yourself, and especially not the Rotunnos.” One hand left the steering wheel of the car and rested on Harmony’s shoulder. It felt to him as heavy and cold as the lead pipe that had cracked Ralph’s skull only minutes ago. “I love you like a son Harmony, but in the family business, we’re strictly professional.”

(continued from chapter one, part one)
“Alright, looks like we’re here.” Virgil pulled the red Lincoln to a stop by the curb, and the three suited men exited the car.
“Where are we?” Harmony guessed that they were going into one of the two open garage doors on the warehouse in front of them, but Bruce instead led them down a nearby alleyway and to a dead end. hm, I'm thinking you can add a bit more to the beginning her. Instead of simply saying he pulled the car to a stop, say the red Lincoln screeched to a halt or smoothly pulled in to the curb and that will give us a bit more description. Also, maybe give us a bit more description of the warehouse as they are pulling up to it. Is it one of those spooky abandoned ones? Or are there people working there?
“You’ll see in a minute, kid,” Virgil assured him, patting him on the shoulder.
Bruce removed a loose brick from the wall and retrieved a key from the space there. It looked like it could have been a car key, but there was no dealer’s logo on the wide part.
After returning to the main street from the alley, the three made their way down the sidewalk to a simple bar at the corner. Harmony watched, formulating a mental question about every step as Bruce walked over to the counter, shook hands with the bartender, and stepped behind the bar to a doorway how can you formulate a question about every step. I don't really get what you're saying here. He used the mystery key in the door and beckoned for Harmony and Virgil to follow. for a bit more vivid description, say he twisted the key in the door, or describe the door even. Was there anything special about it? Was it old and falling off the hinges or was it sturdy... I'm just a curious reader x)
The room behind the bar couldn’t be anything special; it wasn’t anything more than a small, dark space with no windows, and a telephone sitting on a desk at the far wall. Bruce picked up the phone and dialed a number with the quickness of someone who knew it by heart and called it often. i like this paragraph. Good detail.
“This is one of the family’s private lines,” Virgil whispered to Harmony as Bruce spoke.
“Sir, it’s Bruce. He’s agreed to your proposition.” Bruce’s voice sounded deep and scratchy as he greeted the other person on the line. “Alright…okay…yes sir, I’ll tell him.” With a nod to no one, Bruce hung up and smiled as he turned to Harmony and Virgil.
“Who was that?” Harmony asked, adjusting the brim of his hat nervously.
“Gonzaga Rotunno, counselor and half-brother to the head of the family,” Bruce replied. “I was calling to notify him of your response.”
“And…?”
“He’s pleased to hear of your acceptance, and he’d like to set up a meeting for later in the week. Until then it’s better if you sell your apartment and move in with Virgil,” Bruce explained.
“Yeah, kid! It’ll be good having you. I can help protect our new prospect.” Virgil patted him on the shoulder.
“Protect? What would I need protection from?” Harmony didn’t have long to focus before the door of the bar was violently slammed open and a man stormed up to the counter. The lapels of his suit jacket were shifting rapidly with his angry hyperventilating. i really like the dialogue so far. It feels very natural
“Bruce!” He shouted, slamming a fist down on the bar.
“What do you want, Ralph?” Virgil asked, stepping up first and looking down his nose at the shorter man.
“You know this is pretty far off your turf, buddy. You’re in no position to be slamming doors.” Bruce added his two cents with a smug grin.
“Your boy owes me another hundred! He took one more crate than we agreed on!” The man called Ralph stretched himself up to his full height, which seemed to be aided by the large vein Harmony could see bulging in his neck.
“I took what you brought me, that was the deal,” Virgil calmly stated. “Now if you’d be so kind, we have business to attend to, so we’ll be leaving.”
Harmony didn’t take his eyes off of Ralph as the three of them exited the bar and back toward the alley to return the key to its hiding place. But as Bruce reinserted the brick into the wall and they turned to leave, Ralph came running toward them and delivered a powerful punch to the side of Virgil’s head, knocking him out and sending him falling against the wall. :O
“You owe me another fucking hundred!” He shouted again, right in Bruce’s face. instead of saying 'right in Bruce's face' say something like how their noses were practically touching, or how his angry spit was connecting with his face.
Bruce didn’t (even flinch) move, yell back, or even raise his eyebrows. “Ralph, we have no business to do here. So you may fix your collar and leave now, and I would advise doing it before Virgil wakes up.” I can just imagine the tone of voice he uses here and I love it xD
Harmony could feel his muscles tensing up with stress as Ralph’s neck vein rippled again and he clenched his teeth in rage it's a bit confusing here whether Harmony or Ralph were clenching their teeth in rage. Bruce’s nonchalant reaction was quite apparently making him even angrier.
Ralph raised a fist, ready to deal a blow to Bruce’s smiling jaw. “I want my due! And I want it right fucking now!”
Just as Harmony closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see a painful strike at his employer, he heard a thump, and then Ralph was falling to the ground. Harmony looked up and around, and saw Virgil staggering on his feet holding a brick now stained with dripping pearls of red realistically, I'm not too sure about this. There shouldn't be much blood on the brick, a quick hit like this mostly just breaks open the skin and possibly bones underneath. The blood would start coming a few moments later, probably seeping out of the wound by the time Ralph hit the ground. So the dripping from the brick probably would not happen. Its vanquishing mark was an ugly, bleeding crack on Ralph’s head.
“There, consider yourself paid in full.” With a raspy voice and a chuckle, Virgil fell back against the wall he was previously leaned against, back into unconsciousness. hm, again, not too sure about it, but can people really snap back into consciousness like this?
Only an unaffected Bruce and a sweating Harmony were left standing in the alleyway. Bruce chuckled and looked over at the slumped Virgil, then to a dead Ralph dead?!. “You always were a hard case, Virgil. You’re a good man.”
“Who was that?” Harmony shouted, throwing his hands up in stress and confusion.
“A troublemaker from the Marizzi family’s payroll. We’ve been on neutral terms for a while now, but if they find out we killed one of their button men, they’re be hell to pay . . .” Ah, so is this where the title comes in?
“What? What do you mean?” Harmony asked, now a little scared of a potential vengeance coming in their direction.
Before Bruce could answer, more footsteps sounded in the alleyway, and Harmony turned to see another advancing figure. And while this one wasn’t angry, it was ten times as frightening.
“Well, fancy meeting you here, Pikerson,” the beat cop said, his eyes flickering from Ralph’s body to Virgil. “We have any trouble?”
“We sure do. It just walked up to greet me.” Bruce met the policeman’s intense gaze bit for bit.
“A shame ol’ Ralph had to go barking around the wrong yard. Mr. Marizzi isn’t going to like this.” Officer Intimidating eh, I'm not fond of the way you addressed him here. I'd just go with 'the officer'shook his head as he looked over the body of Ralph again. Harmony’s heart leaped into his throat when he realized that this cop was working for the Marizzi family.
“Loose lips sink ships, and sometimes you can even drown,” Bruce cautioned, raising an eyebrow.
Harmony jumped as the officer shoved Bruce against the back wall of the alley. “Don’t get smart with me, asshole! I didn’t come to play around!”
He drew his baton to enforce his point, and he raised raising it so his hand was level with Bruce’s head. Even though Bruce wasn’t the least bit intimidated, Harmony felt a fire of anger ignite in his stomach. How dare this officer come marching in and threaten them um, I think this kid is smart enough to know that upholding the law is generally what a police officer is supposed to do. So if one stumbled upon a dead body and suspects it would only be reasonable of him to take action x)! Without much adrenaline and little though hm?, Harmony shoved his way between them, grabbed the baton not just grabbing it, but ripping it from his grip, right?and smacked the handle across the policeman’s snarling face. He fell to the ground, landing on top of Ralph, making now a total of three unmoving bodies in the alleyway.
Harmony dropped the baton in shock of his spent burst of courage, and Bruce put a strong hand on his shoulder.
“We should get moving before anyone else shows up. The body count’s too high as it is.” With the last deadly serious phrase, Bruce hefted Virgil onto his shoulders and walked back to the car, with Harmony glancing back ever few seconds in case the officer came to and wanted revenge.
Bruce deposited Virgil’s body in the back seat of the car, and he and Harmony took their own seats and pulled out of their parking space. After a few minutes, Bruce nudged Harmony’s elbow to get his attention.
“Let me be very clear about this, buddy. The Rotunno family is not without its enemies. You’ve already met Ralph, and if that police officer ever reports back to Marizzi, we’re in for a lot of explanation.” Bruce’s eyes travelled traveled over to his young passenger, ignoring the road to deliver his chilling and important message.
“They might send someone after you to get a chokehold on me. If that ever happens, don’t ever tell them anything. About me, or Virgil, or yourself, and especially not the Rotunnos.” One hand left the steering wheel of the car and rested on Harmony’s shoulder. It felt to him as heavy as the brick that had cracked Ralph’s skull only minutes ago nice!. “I love you like a son Harmony, but in the family business, we’re strictly professional.”

Gah! I love that last line!!! You definitely know how to end a chapter the right way, lol ^_^

So I really really loved the dialogue in this chapter. A lot. Every character had their own way of speaking, and I really enjoyed the angry cop and Ralph coming in and causing all kinds of havoc. Their speaking patterns were great. I love the phrases you use in their speech that really makes them seem like they are part of a mob. Overall, great job.

Harmony's character suddenly became very interesting to me after he decided to club the officer on the head WITH HIS OWN BATON. Harmony seems much like a wild card now, and I love characters that can do the unexpected. It really makes things thrilling to me. I can't wait to see where this goes.

It was cool how Virgil CHUCKLED at the sight of Bruce KILLING that man. Again, it's just co chilling and unexpected that I am just on the edge of my seat.

Though I don't see how the knock on the head killed him... to me that just seems questionable.

You have such a great way of ending chapters that I wish you would've spent a little more time on the beginning of it, because to me that was definitely the weakest part. Just a lack of description that made it a little hard to get into the scene. It'll be easy to clear up through a bit of editing, I'm sure.

Any more questions, let me know!