Young Writers Society

(Ok, here is the first chapter....what do you think?)


"Miss Emily Taylor is sentenced to seven years transportation to Australia for stealing the following items: one bible, two skeins of knitting wool, a bonnet, one loaf of bread and a pound of cheese.’
The judge looked sternly over his glasses and cleared his throat, nodding his head at the quaking g.irl sitting in the dock, her grimy handkerchief clutched in her shaking hands. She didn’t lift her head when the sentence was read, but her shoulders drooped pathetically. Someone in the audience muttered something about "Society running to dirt, but it’s their own fault". The judge banged the gavel for order and said “Okay, next case”.

A soldier gently led Emily out of the dock and took her to her cell. When they got there, he opened the door and let her in. She sat on the only stool in the room, and put her head in her hands. The young soldier cleared his throat uneasily.
“Well, miss, I’m sorry to hear your sentence...if there was anything I could do...” He stopped, and gazed at his boots uncomfortably.
Emily glanced up, her face sorrowful in a frame of tangled curls.
“I was only taking those things to give to my ailing mother and father, but of course, the jury never understands compassion.” she said, vehemently, sobs starting to shake her thin body.
“I’ll look after them. Your parents, I mean.” The soldier promised, his voice breaking, as his heart felt for this young woman with no hopeful future before her.
“Sir...how can I ever thank you” Emily gazed up, and she smiled sweetly, a glimmer of hope in her face. The soldier smiled back.
“My name is Thomas. Thomas Witting, at your service.” He told her, and then he bowed slightly, and went out, locking the door behind him. The sound of that closing door was the last straw for already strained nerves.

Emily collapsed on the hard, board bed, the despair and fear of the last couple of days taking over. Thomas felt his throat constrict as he paused outside the cell, hearing Emily’s grief. He strode down the long, dismal corridor, his boots ringing on the dirty floor.
Oh, I’d give anything to be going to Australia with her...the least I can do is look after her parents. They’ll probably be eternally grateful. Dam! It is all their fault that she’s here, and on her way to some distant land...he thought angrily, punching his fist into his other hand in frustration.
A fellow soldier glanced up as he went past
“Something bitten you? Or maybe you’ve had too much brandy lately” the burly man laughed and punched his arm teasingly. Thomas shook him off and stomped into the sleeping quarters that he shared with ten other enlisted men.
The iron beds were is orderly rows down the long gloomy room. Their mattresses squeaked under his weight when he sat down, putting his head in his hands. A moment later an officer came in, demanding in a rather colourful language why he wasn’t on parade. Thomas got up quickly and stood at attention
“No, not in here, get out there with the others, you lazy so and so!” roared the officer, getting red in the face from his blustering.
“Yes sir, right away” Thomas agreed and quickly ran out to the ranks of waiting men. A few chuckled as he appeared; others just glanced sideways, before the sweating officer commanded their attention.

Dam!

isn't tehre an N at the end??

anyway

this was very interesting. I mean though, whey would a guard wanna help her? was there a past relationship or something?
I would help people but not a complete stranger, COMPLETE... hmm...
interesting... i wonder what the rest'll be like...

Good story. I definitely want to see more but your opening let you down.
Despite instantly explaining the situation it was too bland and the scene in the jury was rather dull. That could be spiced up a little. As The Black Rose said many things in this story do not tie together, but I assume it will be explained?
If not however, the guards sudden compassion for a woman he's never met before his hard to believe and will annoy a reader. I like it, but it definitely needs some tweaks in places. You've really set the scene though, and it looks exciting.
Hope I helped.

Yes, what Sam said and TBR. It was described pretty well, but I don't get this with the solider and the girl. Do they know each other? Or does the solider just have a crush on her?

Thanks!!! It helped. The guard is a newbie to the regiment, and his heart isn't hardend yet, and he's falling in love with Emily (lol), and they...no, I won't ruin it, that can wait till next time
Ok, I'll spice up the Jury.....er...what should I do to them? lol

Chapter 2

The masts of the Jeffina creaked, and the boat rolled in the water gently, as the sailors carried casks of salt pork and biscuits on board. They would be at sea for four months, and would only be stopping once. There would be no fresh food or vegetables for anyone.

The captain shouted orders, and the men hurried around, looking like busy ants, from the viewpoint of the convicts.
The silent gang of convicted felons stood on a hill overlooking the dockyard, and watched the goings-on miserably. The loud, brawly voices of the crowd below carried up to them, and Emily shuddered with disgust at the thought of being in such rough company.

The wind blew through her thin dress, and she pulled her thread-bare shawl closer around her. She squinted against the strong breeze, and she unconsciously stepped forward to survey something more closely.
“Hey, get back, you!” yelled the guard, prodding her rudely with his musket. She gasped, and stumbled back sullenly, and stood with her head bent until they were ordered to board the ship. She walked up the gangplank and onto the deck of her ‘home’. They were taken down into the hull.

Already there were many others with similar plights, settled on the boat, and Emily had to step over people and their scarce belongings to find a bare place to sit. A few of the women glared at her but were silent. The smell at the bottom of the boat was overpowering. She gagged, and quickly put her handkerchief over her face, trying not to see the filthy floor and the overflowing waste buckets. The wails of some children rose above the busy clatter overhead, and they looked sickly. They probably wouldn’t survive the voyage.

Finding a small clear space, she set her small bundle of belongings down, and quickly glanced at her neighbours before curling up to read a smuggled book, it was to be her only respite in the months to come. She opened it, and a bookmark fell out. It was a letter. She had received it only yesterday, and now she read it again, scarcely able to believe it’s news.

Dear Miss Taylor,
I am a stranger, but please take the time to read this letter. Your parents are in good health. I have explained your situation as best I could to them, without giving away too much detail, and they are resigned to not seeing you for a couple of years. I have arranged for someone to visit them each week to make sure they are looking after themselves..
All the best for your journey,

Sincerely,
Thomas Witting

Emily shook her head disbelievingly, and closed her eyes.
Thomas Witting...What had he said?...oh yes, “I’ll look after your parents”...how nice of him. But I hardly know who he is! I suppose he felt pity for me, not that I want it, and after a month or so he’ll forget me and my parents will be neglected. Oh Ma, oh Pa...I’m sorry I had to disgrace you, she thought, and quiet tears slipped down her cheeks. An older woman near by, noticed the tears, and reached over to put a comforting hand on her shoulder
“There, there, dear, it will be ok. We’re all in the same boat here,” she said gently. Emily was glad for the kind words, and managed a small smile.
I'm glad I'll have some friends on here...and yes...I am resigned too, Mr Witting...

Could someone crit this??? Please!!!

I'm going to crit both. Word of advise though, when you post another chapter put it in a new post so the people who critted chp one will crit 2 as well. Anyways.

Chapter one was good. I really enjoyed reading it and wonder what's going on between the girl and the guard. Did they fall in love or something? Only thing on this chp that bothered me was that at the beginning you put #'s instead of words. Did you mention where she was going cuz i didn't see it. Maybe i just missed it or something. The rest was just spelling and grammar. This sounds really interesting and i can't wait to read more.

Chapter two was good too. A little shorter than the first but good. The only question i have on the chp is: were all the people on the boat going to the same place she was? That wasn't put very clear. Cant' wait to read more!

Thanks, Kay Kay. They are going to Australia, it says so in the first chapter. And the rest of the people on the boat are going there too. Sorry if that wasn't clear. She doesn't know much about Australia, see? Should I put words instead of numbers?

anyway, crit's are welcome! lol

Chapter One

Boni_Bee wrote:'Society running to dirt, but it's their own fault'

This should come after 'about' and not in a new sentence, otherwise if you read the other sentence it seems to suddenly stop in mid-sentence.

Boni_Bee wrote:The judge banged the gavel for order and said

This should be in a sentence.

Boni_Bee wrote:with 10 other enlisted men

I hate to say this but in writing you need to WRITE out numbers, so this would be: with ten other enlisted men.

Boni_Bee wrote:The mattresses squeaked protestingly when he sat down

I have never heard of the word 'protestingly' is it even a real word? If it is I apologise. But this sentence would be better like this: The mattresses creaked under his weight when he sat down…


Also you could have added he was a new recruit at this point.

Boni_Bee wrote:demanding in rather colourful language

Shouldn't it be: demanding in a rather colourful language

Chapter Two

Boni_Bee wrote:The masts of the Jeffina creaked

Jeffina is the name of the ship, right? Then it needs to be in italic!

Boni_Bee wrote:They would be at sea for 4 months

Again you need to write out the number four!

Boni_Bee wrote:The silent gang of stood on a hill

Silent gang of what?

Boni_Bee wrote:dock yard

Dockyard is one word.

Boni_Bee wrote:voices of the crowed

Crowed? Don't you mean crowd?

Boni_Bee wrote:
Sincerely,
Thomas Witting

This should also be in italics.

Interesting, this is obviously set in the late 19th century I'm guessing. But you didn't say anything to suggest where she is currently living, is it in England or somewhere else?

You have a few problems with spelling I've added a few suggestions you could use.

Also could you space out your paragraphs, I wear glasses and sometimes it's hard to focus when all the lines are jammed together.

I will now review the next part.

EDIT: Please use speechmarks (" ") when someone is speaking.

Thanks, Nefer!!! Sometimes my computer takes out words, or parts of words, and I don't realise that until someone mentions it I'll fix up my story as soon as I can.

Sorry, I know this is kind of late, but I wasn't feeling well so I could'nt get to your story before.

Chapter 1
Nefer has pretty much covered everything, so I won't be able to add much to this chapter. As for my opinion about the story, I do think it has potential, but it seems a bit rushed. Maybe you should slow down the pace of the story and that might make it much better.

As everyone else has mentioned, it was a bit hard to believe that a guard could be so compassionate towards Emily. I do like your story, it really is interesting, but I would like to suggest, as Nefer said, that insert a space between each paragraph so that it makes it for the reader to read you story.

Now I'll go review the second chapter!

Oooh, I really like you story. It's interesting and keeps you wanting more. It seems there are some words which are missing, resulting in incomplete sentences which does confuse the reader. I still can't buy the fact that a guard could be so caring towards a girl he barely knows. Either you should create a background between the gaurd and Emily, or you should give some solid reason as to why he is so compassionate towards her. I don't have anymore suggestions for these two chapters and now i'll go read the others.

Quick critique!

In the title, the word "sentence" is spelled wrong. Change it.

‘Miss Emily Taylor is sentenced to 7 years transportation to Australia for stealing the following items: 1 bible, 2 skeins of knitting wool, a bonnet, 1 loaf of bread and a pound of cheese.’

Use quotes. Write out all numbers. Not 1 bible, one bible.

The judge looked sternly over his glasses and cleared his throat, nodding his head at the quaking sitting in the dock, her grimy handkerchief clutched in her shaking hands. She didn’t lift her head when the sentence was read, but her shoulders drooped pathetically, and someone in the audience muttered something about
‘Society running to dirt, but it’s their own fault’.

Last sentence is awkward. Change to: She didn’t lift her head when the sentence was read, but her shoulders drooped pathetically. Someone in the audience muttered something about the society falling apart.

Or something like that.

The judge banged the gavel for order and said
“Ok, next case”.

Quote marks are always outside punctuation. "Ok" should be written out as "Okay." When you use the word "said" before dialogue, there should always be a comma after said.

A soldier gently led Emily out of the dock and took her to her cell. When they got there, he opened the door and let her in. She sat on the only stool in the room, and put her head in her hands. The young soldier cleared his throat uneasily.
“Well, miss, I’m sorry to hear your sentence...if there was anything I could do...” He stopped, and gazed at his boots uncomfortably.
Emily glanced up, her face sorrowful in it’s frame of tangled curls.

"In it's frame of..." sounds awkward. Change to "in a frame of..."

“I was only taking those things to give to my ailing mother and father, but of course, the jury never understands compassion.” she said, vehemently, sobs starting to shake her thin frame.

You use the word "frame" once in two sentences in a row. Change your words for description around for a greater effect. Work on the dialogue. If you were her, would you say that?" Practice sying aloud her lines. Look in a mirror as you say these lines. How does your face contort? Describe her face. Now, say these words in a monotone. Does the dialogue fall apart? Change so it sounds better. Now pretend to be your character again. Does the revised dialogue sound better? Remember, dialogue is usually simple and extra words in dialogue can sometimes make it seem unrealistic.

“I’ll look after them. Your parents, I mean.” The soldier promised, his voice breaking, as his heart broke for this young woman with no hopeful future before her.

Look at this: forum/viewtopic.php?t=3746

Overdramatic. Look at the words you use. Hopeful words. But he barely knows her. Why would his heart break? What does he see in her? Right now, he pities her. Perhaps pity is akin to love, but even so, it has to develop first.

Hmmm...

My suggestion would be to show the guard and this lady in another scene. Answer these questions in your story, straight away (or risk the chance of it sounding absolutely corny):

Why does he like her? What events have shaped his mind about her? Mind you, it doesn't have to be a whole long story. He might just pity her because she's cute. Then again, he may be acting so nice to her because he wants to jump into bed with her (though that's probably not the case). It might even be because she's so graceful and nimble that he can't help to fall in love with her!

As you can tell, if love happens this quickly, it's usually because of physical things. So far, unless he can read minds, he doesn't know what she's thinking. So what do you do? Describe her beauty, or lack of beauty. Describe his eyes drinking in her beauty (or lack of beauty). Love never happens this quickly. Never. Give some background, and it will become much more probable.

“Sir...how can I ever thank you” Emily gazed up, and she smiled sweetly, a glimmer of hope in her face. The soldier smiled back, blushing a bit under her gaze.
“My name is Thomas. Thomas Witting, at your service.” He told her, and then he bowed slightly, and went out, locking the door behind him. The sound of that closing door was the last straw for already strained nerves. Emily collapsed on the hard, board bed, the despair and fear of the last couple of days taking over. Thomas felt his throat constrict as he paused outside the cell, hearing Emily’s grief. He strode down the long, dismal corridor, his boots ringing on the dirty floor.

Describe either Emily or Thomas. Not both. I would stick with Emily, if only because of the main point of view.

Oh, I’d give anything to be going to Australia with her...the least I can do is look after her parents. They’ll probably be eternally grateful. Dam! It is all their fault that she’s here, and on her way to some distant land...he thought angrily.

I think that the inside internal struggle might be better described as an outside struggle. So instead of him thinking to himself, he might be grumpy or wringing his hands or something! Sometimes describing it physically does it better than any thoughts to self.

Yeah...

Hope that helps somewhat.

Thanks, SilverGlitter and Snoink!!! That was helpful, and I'll edit the story now...but one thing...I like to put spoken sentences on another line, because you can dicern conversations a lot easier....