Young Writers Society

This is a rough quick draft of the first chapter/prologue. This is going to be a big project, writing a story of my ancestors who came to Australia on the first fleet. I won't be posting the whole thing as I intend to get it published one day, but would certainly like some feedback on the first couple of chapters!!

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The open cart creaked incessantly as it bumped and rattled its way over the windswept moor. The five prisoners, who were seated in the tray and bound by chains, gazed dully at their surroundings. Their thoughts were muddled, they felt confused and alone, their future was uncertain. One of the young prisoners found tears slipping down his cheeks as he began to remember how the week had started, before the sentence.

To this man, William Roberts, it had started off as a fairly ordinary week; a grey wet one nonetheless, but somewhat comforting in its simple regularity.

Wake to the sound of the factory engines starting up
Eat cold mush with a hunk of bread
Trudge to work alongside hundreds of other men, women and children
Work at the looms until the sun set, then
Wander back home, maybe stopping to yarn to an old man standing in a doorway, smoking a pipe
Eat a dinner of stew and dumplings, and lastly sit by the fire with his wife mending his socks, and his baby son sitting on his knee.
Repeat, with little variation, day in and day out

.

Until... two days ago, his wife informed him that she had run out of yarn and unless he soon bought some more he would be going to work with cold feet – his boots being so rough on his socks that they needed mending nearly every week. Now the work at the mill did not pay very well – and only once a month at that – so they usually just purchased enough food and necessities to keep them going each week.
When he picked up the money jar and shook it there was no comforting rattle in reply. William had occasionally pinched items on the sly in the past, and thus far had not been apprehended at this. So, he had felt rather bold as he decided to venture into the busy marketplace and see if he could take a pound or two of yarn off one of the tables.
As he walked into the courtyard the noise rolled over him like a wave. So many people milling around, all shouting, bargaining, and demanding. Surely no one will notice me, he had thought, as he dodged a young girl who was carrying a large basket of vegetables. He stood in the middle of the yard and gazed around, until he spotted what he was looking for. The old woman tending the stall didn’t even look at him as he sidled closer, glancing all around to see if anyone had noticed. He casually brushed past the table, and grabbed the closest bundle of yarn, not realising he was taking more than a pounds worth! He shoved it inside his jacket and began to walk away.
“Thief!”
The cry rose above the racket all around him, causing his feet to become wings
The owner of the stall had been standing at a window above the marketplace, and spotted William’s attempt at robbery. William didn’t even dare to look behind him but ran, dodging in and out, the crowd falling back at his haste. His hair was falling into his eyes. He lifted his hand to brush it aside and the yarn started to fall out of his jacket, unravelling as he went. He was nearly clear of the yard when he collided with a tall soldier.
“What’s the hurry young man? Cat got your tongue? Well it might get more than that if you don’t explain about this!” The soldier pointed to the yarn, now soiled and tangled from the muck, still dangling from William’s arm.
William was about to answer when a fat, puffing merchant raced up to them.
“That’s the man! He stole my yarn! He must pay for it!” he insisted, pointing a large finger at William.
“Oh he did, did he? Well he’ll pay for it alright! Come along with me”, the soldier barked, dragging poor William away as he spoke, leaving the fat man to puff and huff about
“those dirty factory workers!”

Hi Boni_Bee!

I think you've got an interesting start for your story. It really grabs the readers' attention.

Just some things:

1. You've missed some periods.

Wake to the sound of the factory engines starting up

Eat cold mush with a hunk of bread

Trudge to work alongside hundreds of other men, women and children

Work at the looms until the sun set, then

Wander back home, maybe stopping to yarn to an old man standing in a doorway, smoking a pipe

Eat a dinner of stew and dumplings, and lastly sit by the fire with his wife mending his socks, and his baby son sitting on his knee.

Repeat, with little variation, day in and day out

Maybe this should have maybe periods or commas? Especially with the last sentence.

The cry rose above the racket all around him, causing his feet to become wings

You need a period at the end of this as well.
2.

Their thoughts were muddled, they felt confused and alone, their future was uncertain.

The commas in this sentence, I think, are more like comma splices. They connect different ideas into the same sentence. I think if you are trying to say why their thoughts were muddled, you should say it like "Their thoughts were muddled: they felt confused and alone, and their future was uncertain." Or if that's not it, I think semicolons would be best here.
3.

Until... two days ago, his wife informed him that she had run out of yarn...

I don't really think the "until" works here. A better phrase would be "But everything changed". But that's just my opinion.
4.

As he walked into the courtyard the noise rolled over him like a wave.

Maybe you could add a comma between "courtyard" and "the noise". It would help the overall flow of the sentence.


I did enjoy this a lot actually. You've got a great idea here, I think. It's pretty original, or maybe I just haven't read enough to say, but yeah. I also really like your vocabulary. Mine just increased after reading this =)

If you ever decide that you want to post more of your story, which I'm assuming you are because of the "Part 1" in your title, you can be sure that I'll be reading along (even if I don't review it)!

Great job =)
-- Miss Ching

Thanks heaps for doing a review Miss Ching! I really appreciate it

hey Boni_Bee!

Looks like you've got a great start to your story here and it'll be interesting to see where you take this next

One thing I would say was that you do an awful lot of telling rather than showing. Try focusing on your MC's thoughts and senses a little more - I want to see this market unravel before my eyes! Talk about the smells, the noises, the colours, everything! Also, I think it would maybe be interesting to start off with him stealing the yarn before telling us why he stole it, and maybe introduce his situation more gradually?

A few nitpicks for you:

To this man, William Roberts, it had started off as a fairly ordinary week; a grey wet one nonetheless, but somewhat comforting in its simple regularity.
Wake to the sound of the factory engines starting up
Eat cold mush with a hunk of bread
Trudge to work alongside hundreds of other men, women and children
Work at the looms until the sun set, then
Wander back home, maybe stopping to yarn to an old man standing in a doorway, smoking a pipe
Eat a dinner of stew and dumplings, and lastly sit by the fire with his wife mending his socks, and his baby son sitting on his knee.
Repeat, with little variation, day in and day out

Something about the layout of this section doesn't seem right. As Miss Ching mentioned you need to add in some full stops, however I think you should group it into one paragraph of short, sharp sentences like this (and perhaps cut out "this man" and just say "William Roberts"?):
To William Roberts, it had started off as a fairly ordinary week; although a grey wet one, it was somewhat comforting in its simple regularity. he had woken to the sound of factory engines starting up. Eated cold much accompanied by a hunk of bread. Trudged to work alongside hundreds of other men, women and children. Worked at the looms until the sun set, then wandered back home. Perhaps stopping to yarn (yawn?) to an olf man standing in a doorway, smoking a pipe. Ate a dinner of stew and dumplings. And lastly, sat by the fire with his wife, mending his socks, with their baby son on his knee.
I also noticed whilst reviewing this section that it changed tenses so I have made some corrections above.

Now the work at the mill did not pay very well – and only once a month at that – so they usually just purchased enough food and necessities to keep them going each week.

Perhaps change the beginning of this sentence to "Now the work at the mill only paid once a month, and not very well at that"? Also maybe change "just purchased" to "only bought"?

When he picked up the money jar and shook it there was no comforting rattle in reply.

As I mentioned before, this is a good example of showing rather than telling. Try something like "shaking his money jar, no comforting rattle echoed back to him", or something along those lines.

The cry rose above the racket all around him, causing his feet to become wings

Try mixing up your sentence structure a little, e.g. "From above the racket, a cry rose, making his feet take flight."

He lifted his hand to brush it aside and the yarn started to fall out of his jacket, unravelling as he went. He was nearly clear of the yard when he collided with a tall soldier.

I don't think it would have been a soldier, perhaps a policeman or some sort of equivalent? Personally, I think you should make "yarn" wool throughout the story, but that might just be me being picky xD

“those dirty factory workers!”

Those needs to be capitalized.

And that sums up my review

Happy Writing!

Happy-Go-Lucky

Hi!
This is a great beginning. Here are a few of my thoughts:

The open cart creaked incessantly as it bumped and rattled its way over the windswept moor. The five prisoners, who were seated in the tray and bound by chains, gazed dully at their surroundings. Their thoughts were muddled, they felt confused and alone, their future was uncertain. One of the young prisoners found tears slipping down his cheeks as he began to remember how the week had started, before the sentence.

I really like this beginning, because it feels very cinematic the way it zooms in on one of the five prisoners.
I do agree with happy-go-lucky on the "telling, not showing" comment. Especially with historical fiction, it's important to make the setting vivid.
I do notice later on, though, that you use certain details (like working at the factory with other men, women and children) to hint at the time period.

[...]but somewhat comforting in its simple regularity.

I do like this little fact, because it tells me something about this guy's personality right out. More of a quiet guy who appreciates routine and security, right?
A few people already mentioned a couple of the grammar errors in there, so I won't worry about that.

Until... two days ago, his wife informed him that she had run out of yarn and unless he soon bought some more he would be going to work with cold feet – his boots being so rough on his socks that they needed mending nearly every week. Now the work at the mill did not pay very well – and only once a month at that – so they usually just purchased enough food and necessities to keep them going each week.

I notice this sounds a bit "tell-y". Maybe you could revise this so it's a bit less of a summary? Another option you could try out is to rewrite the story of how he got arrested as a flashback. The following bits seem to smooth out, though, with more detail and more of a "there" feeling to it.

Altogether, it's really cool and I think it could turn out so well. Good luck on the rest of your writing!

Hey thanks for the reviews!! Sorry I haven't been on YWS lately, so didn't get back to this sooner. I'm afraid I don't have much time for writing lately, but will work on what you've all suggested as soon as I can