Young Writers Society

[deleted]

Kamas! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I do remember what it was like way back. Dwelling in the past is useless, as most people believe.

Okay, so let's start with this first line. Seeing as this is a first draft, the first line is going to change a lot as you go. But here, I'm feeling that the two first sentences are too distant, they need something between them, something that makes the second sentence turn back and say, "But..." And your next line is turning back again, this whole paragraph is an argument. You need to make it sound like one, develop each point and let them lead into one another.

be the cutthroats

cutthroat? Singular?

But I’m the cutthroat with a story, and a reason I am the one who would help bring down the dark man, the Rogue of Montagi.

... I think you're missing a full stop after "reason."

“You’re it Ted!” I bellowed, a big smile on my thin face.

Here's a rule to remember, commas before names. Or after names, if you were to say, "Teddy, you're it!" So. Now. Remember that and fix the rest of them!

I stuck tongue out at him and ran out of the room,

Um, there's a comma and a new paragraph here?

I heard, my dad behind me.

no comma.

dug my heels into the ground and spun to face my father.

Missing an "I" here .

I can hear it from down the block.”

If this is medieval, he's not going to say block.

“Time for dinner you two.” she said.

That should be a comma after "two."

she said taking my list.

Comma after said.

“Yes, my Pa. But I ain’t supposed to know.” I said, eyes widening.

If she saw her father's injuries, wouldn't she know?

Ten minutes passed before I dare to peek into the alley,

dared.

a sword protruding from his chest.

Wouldn't they have taken their swords with them?

“Y’ur on my bailiwick. I dun take kindly to ‘em strang’rs” he replied.

What on earth is a bailiwick?

and I dun’no what I have to do anymore.”

You don't need an apostrophe in dunno.

Alright...

II. DIALOGUE

Firstly: topic44898.html -Demeter's article on punctuation within dialogue. Read it and remember it.

Other than that, I'm not so sure about your phoneticising. Like "y'ur," that's just "you're" with an accent. You're laying it on very heavily and using a lot of apostrophes. Really, I think, leave it. If they say "dunno" instead of "don't know," fine, and if they don't say their ts. But don't overdo it. It just gets annoying.

III. WOW...

For a first chapter, this is huge. She's running through the streets, then she's hearing a private conversation, then she's getting her future told, then her parents get killed, then she makes her first real friend! Kam, slow down! You need to work on your pacing, and draw things out a bit more. Like when she hears her parents have the conversation, she doesn't hear her father come in, just hear the words. That's an opportunity where we could have her lying in bed, thinking about whatever, then hears the door open and begins to listen.

You're missing out on details here, and it's because you're racing to the finish line. Take your time. Enjoy the view.

IV. OVERALL

As a first draft, it's not too bad at all...

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Kamas!

So! You should be afraid, because I am pretty merciless at the moment. You know, pain does odd things to one self... I was considering doing a brutal amputation of my lower leg because the pain in it is killing me so, but I assume that would only cause pain of a different sort, no? Nonetheless, we'd be done away with the first...

Rambling never gets us anywhere productive now, does it? Procrastinating does, but nay, we shall move onward with this review.



--

I do remember what it was like way back. Dwelling in the past is useless, as most people believe. For me, it is what shaped me and formed me to be the cutthroats feared in the night. But I’m the cutthroat with a story, and a reason I am the one who would help bring down the dark man, the Rogue of Montagi.

Whoa, are you in a joint project with Morgan? This seems a bit like the opening to her Novel, Maria and The rogue of Montagi. I can understand if it is, but the red flag of plagiarism went off in my head with the fury of a thousand suns until I read more. Did I mention that I'm cold? When I'm cold, I can't think right, and as a brainless result, I can neither spell nor type well.

To be blatantly blunt (yay, alliteration!) this is such a boring beginning. Too monologue-y. It's like,

"Kamas, I remember when I was fifteen, I said that I would become a doctor. Those days are all in the past. I never wanted to become so, but the days passed and I made the decision that the worlds need more lawyers."

How boring is that? (Did I mention I'm tiiiired?) Basically, what needs to happen here is you need to give this an injection of... dun duN DUN:

LIFE.

Description. We need vivid description-- this whole piece suffers from the lack of lively description (I'd like to see the words do some bunny hops and cannon balls for me ) and please, for the love of everything that moooooves. Use better language. The best thing you can do for your audience is not bore us to sleep with words that sound like a professor giving a lecture.

Not saying that you're doing that. You should probably know that the painkillers get to my head.



--

“You’re it Ted!” I bellowed, a big smile on my thin face.

To bellow is a verb usually attributed to anger, rage, or some stronger emotion than a game of tag. Shouted works just fine, Chica; while we like word variation, a boring word here and there works! Salt and pepper somehow tastes sweet.

(Seriously, if you eat one of those Miracle berry-things it does.

And, no, that's not relevant to the story in any way.


Thin face! Why thin face? Another person would probably describe his face as thin, but self respectfully? It sounds self-condescending! It's not actually a typical self-description, and I wish I could provide some reasonable reasoning, but my unreasonable dead worm of a brain isn't working well.

“You did not ca’ch me! Don’t lie Krissy!” he said, scampering away.

Bloop. Why no T in catch? I'm reading that as kesh. =P

And scampering? I get the mental image of a little person try to hurriedly crawl away on all fours...

Also! Did not? Why so formal? In dialogue, informality is kind of awesome, so, it would sound better for kids if it was didn't.

“Don’t be a dirty cheater Ted.” I laughed, as I clambered after him.

Clambered raises the mental image of someone clambering up a ladder -- of if you want the hopeless romantic version, a prince clambering up Rapunzel's hair. It would suit if they're clambering up a hill...


Be careful with how you narrate dialogue! "I did this as I did this" gets relatively boring, and again, brainworms won't register, so kapish to a valid explanation.

I stumbled through the mud to catch up with my older brother. He laughed as he kicked up the dirt. I roared in disappointment, as he got farther away from me, vanishing inside before I’d turned into the street. I rammed through the door chasing Ted up the stairs. He laughed as I tackled him to the ground.

This is a little starchy as if it's been stiffly pressed and cannot flex it's muscles well. I think this is because your brain is overworking in trying to narrate what's going on to us, and you don't have to narrate it so strictly! All you have to do is give us a gist and let us figure out. I would take this and loosen the bones so it's more like:

"I struggled through the mud trying to catch up with my older brother, who ran ahead, laughing every time his feet sent pieces of the ground flying in my direction. I roared at him as a bit missed me by inches and he vanished inside the house before I could reach him.

I charged through the door and raced up the stairs after him, desperate to give him a taste of his own medicine. He only laughed as I tackled him to the ground."

(Mind you, my loose wording is in no way acceptable, so I beg you to not use it. It'll make eyes bleed.

“You’re so silly Krissy.” He chuckled, pulling me to my feet.

I stuck tongue out at him and ran out of the room,

“You’re it!” I shouted over my shoulder, slamming the door behind me.

Brother-sister dialogue? Too, too kind. Usually siblings bash each other in words; if one of my sisters said, "You're so silly June," I would probably return it with, "And you're a dimwit who can't even play a game of tag."

You need your dialogue to be more realistic. Reflect how you talk to people, because this formal dialogue, and too little of it makes us squirm in our seats.

Okay, not really, but the image popped into mind, so I used it...

I heard Ted holler some profanities as he struggled with the door. I pounded down the stairs and sprinted for the door, yanking it open and turning into the street.

Why holler? Choose your verbs carefully! Holler seems a bit like the type of yell that would call out to someone, like, "Hello!" he hollered, or, "Mo-om," some random annoying kid hollered out in pain...

“My goodness Krissy, you’re goin’ to level this house down.” I heard, my dad behind me.
dug my heels into the ground and spun to face my father.

I'd probably kill the bold; from the tone, it sounds like she'd be in trouble, aaaand, she's actually happy to see him. Nonetheless, I think I might have dropped your pronoun off the empire state building. Uh oh.

“Pa! You’re finally home!” I exclaimed, throwing my arms around him.

“You and y’ur brother hav’ been tearing down the house again, I can hear it from down the block.”

I looked up abashed at Pa, at that moment I winked to Pa and Ted jumped onto his back.

“Oh, you li’le liars!” my father laughed, swaying. “Perfect team of little criminals if you ask me.”

And with that I was under my Pa’s arm like a loaf of bread and he carried us back inside. We giggled and squirmed in his iron grip, before he plunked us down on the rug.

So, the problem I have with your narration throughout this is that it's not enough. It's so little, that, even though you're telling us a story, I want more, because this sounds like it's...

you guessed it. Not enough. I want realism-- I'm a big realist, and I like to see it in stories where realistic every day doodad scenes are to be depicted. Here, you have them running all around the house, playing a game that feels unfinished because you don't elaborate enough.

“Now behave!” he said, in a false scowl.

We giggled and lay down on our backs. I looked at Ted and stuck my tongue out at him again, poking him in the ribs. He shook his ebony hair out of his face and smiled, tickling me. I squirmed away from him sniggering. Ma came to get us, Emily in her arm.

This is the point where I would mutilate my sibling. ;D

I hopped up and took little Emily in my slender arms.

Slender arms for self-description. Don't like it. Traits are usually given from outsiders, and I don't like it when a character self-describes.

She was fast asleep, as usual; her milky face blushed with pink. I beamed at her and tickled her chin, cooing at her. She open her oval blue eyes, she was quite the beautiful baby. I carried her to her crib before running to the table.

Quite an info dump! And, it's too smily-pretty, and I don't like it for that reason.

I'm such an evil critic. Basically, don't have too much praise-y description rocking the boat in your story. I should elaborate a lot more on this, and I will, at the end of this reviewwwww.

I plopped down, a bowl of soup in front of me. A few vegetables floated around in the soup, I ate up hungrily. Pa pulled a thick, crispy loaf out of his bag and placed it in front of us. We all grinned at him, tearing large pieces of the loaf and plopping it into our mouths. The bread was still warm, Pa was a baker and his bread was the best around, he always brought us a treat for supper.

You need to reword this, dearie, because this sounds funny. Do people work like this? Do they eat like this? Are meals at your place like this? Parallel this to real life; historical fiction or not, dear, I don't think humans have done much evolution since the monkey era.

“Share these with your brother.” He whispered in my ear.

“What are the sheets Pa?” I asked.

Pa pulled them away quickly, accidently dropping them all over the floor. I fell to my knees and gathered them for him. I took a peek at the top sheet, wondering what they were my childish curiosity. It was a sketch of a room, with a throne in the middle. There were tables on the sides, labeled ‘Gambling area’ in my father’s messy script. Pa yanked the papers out of my hand and shooed me to bed. I stomped up the stairs, tearing off my dress tunic and pulling out the messy braid in my hair.

Try describing without adverbs! Adverbs are sticky and generally hold back the story instead of propelling it forward.

So! What am I saying? You need to make your narration much cleaner, because as it stands, it's messy. You're not giving us a good grip of your character and her surroundings; I can't place what it is I'm seeing here into words just yet, but I would like to see that you can tell a story without having to rely on stiffened language.



*

I'm going to stop there because I may end up repeating myself and my madre wants to hijack my laptop in seven minutes. scary.

Okay, so, here's the rundown in blatant honesty:


You have interest in the ways of plot but your narration is boring. I think you're pressing it, Kam; you said that prose isn't your highest standing peak, and I understand that, but, not to say that it's bad.

You have potential.


You're straining to tell us the story, and I see the strength of detail in this, and can tell where you wanted to add it and and such forth, but you're lacking description in key points. You need more-- I want to see bunnies hop and cat breath dance and the sky fold itself down into the underground-- and what the blimey am I saying?

I'm a mess, really. Anyhow. Your characters are a little weak! They need to be stroner, because it's too easy for me to look them all over. The main character lives, but she's not alive. Her view point of everything is generic! Characters should have a unique outlook on things, and here, if you're going to use generic language, throw some unique ideas, like she dreams her soup bowl woke up and murdered her, and yes that's morbid, but I am not really... blah.

There's other things I want to say in these five minutes; pretty much, if you don't know how to say something, pretend you're talking to a friend or a sibling. This is why crazy authors get in character's heads, because they need to-- and no offense, we're all crazy--. Getting in head kind of puts you in a place outside of your medium where you can take in a view as a different person.

Here, I kind of felt that you were imagining something that you didn't see enough of. Don't do that; perhaps, write in third person, because here it sounds like you're talking like a third in a first, and that's confusing.

I want to talk about plot as well, because I read Morgans side of Montagi, and loved it, and this is one of the few times where I actually get where a story was gooooing, but. Yes. Time is up, so I must go. Pester me to take you up on plot in chat sometime.

Two thumbs up, Kammieyaz. Keep rocking out,

Juneth

She open her oval blue eyes, she was quite the beautiful baby.

I think it should be "opened."

“Now off to bed you too. You have to get up tomorrow, it’s market day.”

So she says they have to get up tomorrow, but doesn't specify when. Did you mean to put an 'early' in there somewhere?

I stood in front of every few stalls, eyeing every item I could possibly afford, I sighed sadly when each item was much more then one copper. I walked away from the stalls glumly, swaying the basket from side to side. A strange young woman was one of the last stalls, her face showed only her profile.

So, this is probably just me, but you say stalls a bunch in this. I know it may be hard to find another word, but you can say booth or stand also.


overall
I think you introduce a lot in this chapter, but I also think that you started exactly where you had to. You gave us enough background on her and her family, and even gave us some insight on the story. But, I must let you know that the gypsy thing is a little cliche for me. But, that's probably just me.

I really liked this! Keep writing.

why are youput apostrophes in random places?

"You did not ca'ch me!"...??????

When I read this I thought you wanted me to pause at the apostrophe. It doesn't really make much sense. If you want the character to sound illiterate try doing it at a different point please.

Something like "Don't you be no dirty cheater Ted!" This way it just works better....or at least it does in my opinion.

I liked it! Really well write and everything so I just want to know when you are going to make the secon chapter if you haven't made it already?