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Reg Carter: Deep Cover Chapt. 1 (Strong Language)



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Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:29 pm
BenFranks says...



Recommended 18+ due to strong language and violent references.

[i]Key:

Schutzstaffel: SS (Nazi party’s “Shield Squadron” or ‘MI6 of Nazi Germany’)
Obersturmführer: 1st Lieutenant equivalent in the SS.

Note:
* The paragraph spacing on this is different from actual document. Otherwise content is identical.
Please review the work! I really, really want to improve and value all criticism :)

************************************************************************

Reg Carter: Deep Cover
by Ben Franks

Prologue



“People of Britain. On this day of 3rd September 1939, Britain and France are at war with Germany, following the invasion of Poland two days ago.” The radio crackled and breathed out a fuzz of noise into the small room. In the room a man and a woman, their mouths gaping wide, listened like a hawk. The woman squinted to try and hear the speech above the buzzing. The man glanced up to his wife before quickly looking back and imitating his wife’s actions. Before he could make the right face the woman changed her expression and began to seem angry.

“Roger, you bloody blitherin’ idiot! Fix the radio!” She cried and began whaling her arms hopelessly murmuring about anything that came to mind, “Well Roger? Have you done it? Come on! Chambers is tryin’ to tell us somethin’ that might be important!”

The man simply carried on pondering over the electronics and didn’t say a word.

“Roger!” His wife cried.

“Oh for God’s sake, woman! I’m bloody doing it aren’t I?” He shouted and towered over his wife. His outbreak had happened so quickly, she was genuinely frightened and shocked. Probably shocked he had the nerve more than anything. As soon as she noticed his confusion she took her stand.

“You listen ‘ere, Roger! No-one, no matter who you are, takes a tone like that to a woman!” She desperately tried to scramble into a position that made her look superior; “I’m naturally annoyed that you’re takin’ so darn long to fiddle with that radio when we’re tryin’ to listen to Chambers! Do you not know a war has broken out?”

“Marie, I am sorry – but I do insist you be more patient,” Roger replied before returning to the radio. He picked it up and shook it around a little.

Marie had thrown herself backward into the armchair that stood in the small front room. Her face was wrinkled and her neck hung saggy under her eyes. She wore a simple, black sweater and a grey skirt. Her expression was blank and irritated but at least she was quiet. Roger, on the other hand, was her opposite. His body was rounded and plump, his head sat on him like an egg in quick sand and he wore simple, blue work overalls. He was losing his hair on his head and what was left of it was gray and stringy.

“Buzz… zzz… and as of September the 5th operations in Belgium will begin to secure Britain and Western Europe’s national safety. Do not panic, Britain will triumph against the Axis and against Hitler! With the help of the Allies, the Axis don’t have…” the broadcast continued to fill the room as Roger returned to his own seat. He looked over to his wife. She scowled at him, and he drew his gaze back. He felt the need to make it up to her and stood up, began walking to the kitchen and stopped mid trip turning to his wife and saying, “Can I get you a cuppa Marie?”

“I could bloody well do with one!” She exclaimed staring at the ground.

Roger looked at her, pondered in thought momentarily, and then said gallantly, “Well, my dear, in that case – get off your backside and get one yourself!”

Marie just laughed.

“What’s funny?” Roger said in disgust, worrying his comment had backfired on him.

“Oh, nothing dear.” She continued to chuckle.

“Marie, don’t be childish.”

“How dare you! You’re the one being childish. You tell your own woman to get her own cuppa? That’s disgusting Roger!” She stood out of her armchair and told him off like she was his mother. “We both know perfectly well you’re going to get me a cuppa because you’re a naturally born gentlemen. So my dear, it is you who is being childish!”

“Marie, I am tired of this. May I insist that you’re not going to be my woman for much longer if you don’t realise your place!” He decided his best bet would be to fight back and he continued, “Don’t think that because you're my wife, you can talk to me as if you were my senior!” Roger was in panic of where his argument was heading. He knew for one that he was too passive to not make her a cup of tea, but at the same time knew he was threatening their marraige over it.

“Roger my dear, please stop! Don’t make your woman feel so bad about herself!” She cried. “Just go make us both a cuppa and we can sit and listen to the radio together.” Her mood had clearly altered. Roger huffed like a child who couldn’t get his own way.

“I will Marie.”

“Thank you,” she said smiling fruitfully.

He realised there was no point in continuing as she had obviously decided to take him on a guilt trip. Roger advanced into the kitchen and put some water over the stove to boil.

***********************************************************************

Chapter One



Three years later - 1942
Belgium


“I want your name.”

“F-fuck you…”

“No, your name.”

“And… I said… fuck you!”

“Well, Mr. Fuck you, if you don’t give me your real name, I shall be forced to put you under a lot of pain.”

The man was speaking with a heavy German accent. He was of medium build and stood in gray Nazi overalls, his eyes were a deep blue and his wispy gray hair was covered by an officer’s hat that crowed over the man’s dark gray eyebrows. A pair of gold, thin-framed spectacles sat on his perky nose. He was pacing back and forth in a black room; the only light was the illumination of the moon outside that had weaved its way through the barred slit windows near the ceiling. Momentarily the Nazi’s gloves were lit to reveal a coating of dark red blood. It was clearly from the other man’s face, a man who appeared to be more of a corpse, his face hanging to the ground and he sat with a crippled, arch back. His face was covered in blood and bruises from where he’d been hit. It looked yellow, red and purple all at the same time and it was very disfigured – probably a fractured jaw and a broken nose. The Nazi turned to the sweating disfigured man one more time and peered deep into his eyes. His gaze was cold.

“I will ask you one more time.” He said without blinking, his arms steady on his prisoner’s weak shoulders, “what is your name?”

The prisoner managed to look up and give him an ugly grin, “And… I’ll tell you one more time… fuck… you!” the prisoner spat at the Nazi’s face.

The Nazi blinked and slapped the man with the back of his hand. He walked a couple of steps away and pulled out a handkerchief. He wiped the lenses of his saliva-covered spectacles. If he was angry he didn’t show it, he appeared to be relaxed and he was breathing steadily. He walked towards a small, lit tray of tools and smiled to himself. “Now this shall be very hard for you.”

Suddenly before he could pick up a tool another Nazi, this time dressed in all-black overalls but with a single, red Nazi flag band, which was strapped round his arm, stepped into the room. He saluted to the interrogator. This new man was extremely well built. His jaw was muscular and his hair was a thick blonde, he had dirty brown eyes and a layer of unshaven bristle on his cheeks, chin and neck. He was far taller than the grey haired Nazi and clearly had more authority as the smaller Nazi backed away when he’d entered. He had realised that the new guest was SS.

“Mr. Von Schlick, I require a word with the prisoner.” Said the SS Officer in German. Von Schlick nodded slowly and his face became emotionless. The SS Officer turned to him and growled, “alone Von Schlick.”

“Obersturmführer, may I see your ID? The Führer told me to make sure I get information… and well if you’re not who you say you are-”

The Obersturmführer interrupted, “Yah, this is my ID…” he reached for his pocket with his left hand, but with his right he quickly delved into his holster and ripped out a Luger pistol shooting Von Schlick three times in the chest. He was thrown back and the tray of tools was knocked to the ground, his body was left to lie in a pool of his own blood.

“Don’t worry Von Schlick, you’ll rest in peace yet. This room is sound proof.” Groaned the Obersturmführer in bad English. The prisoner was watching wide eyed, but you couldn’t tell because his disfigured face made it look like he was squinting. He laughed.

“Ha! All you fucking Nazis are the same! Shootin’ your own people. You disgust me you bastard!” The prisoner dramatically tried to scramble free of his imprisonment but couldn’t wriggle through the rope. His wrists began to bleed.

“Shut your mouth Corporal.” His English was better now.

“What… I’m no corporal you ass! You rotten German scum!” He cried as he pushed again to get threw the rope. Blood trickled from his hung face and his burning wrists.

“I am no German, corporal. Now stop moaning, this may be a sound proof room but if you carry on they’ll hear your fuckin’ moaning in Berlin!”

The SS Officer drew a knife from his holster and cut the rope that was tied around the corporal’s wrists, and then cut the rope round his legs. The corporal reacted by quickly kicking at the Officer’s legs to bring him down, then pulling up his face and intended to then repeatedly punch him until his face became a pulp of blood and fragmented bones. His attack failed and after the first punch he broke his knuckles on the Officer’s square jaw. This was enough time. The officer grabbed his knife and hit the corporal with the butt of it, not hard enough to knock him out, but to give him enough time to bring his mind to the reality of the past few minutes’ events. The man grunted as he lay on the cold stone floor twisting back and forth.

“Corporal, I’m with British intelligence. I’m on your blitherin’ side!” said the officer and gave him a kick in the lungs for bruising his jaw. “You’re not as tough as I thought.”

“Well Mr. British intelligence, firstly I’ve had my face battered in by some old tart in leather gloves and then a fancy undercover SS officer hits me with the butt of his blade.” He groaned and got to his feet, “Secondly, what the bloody hell is a British intelligence officer doing rescuing a bloody Corporal? Especially when he could be snipin’ that Hitler’s fucking brains out of his skull.”

“Ah, trust me, if I had no debts to repay or no friends, I’d happily leave you here and go to shoot some fella’s brains out. Unfortunately your old man, Roger Testing and your lovely Mother, Marie, happen to be part of a division of the British Intelligence. Well, when they found out we knew you were being imprisoned, well, it felt morale that I’d go and get you out. As well as your old man being quite insistent we do something.”

“Fuck me. Even the British are bastards. You saying that you rescued me because I’m the blood of two old knockers who like to earwig German radio communication? Christ! I miss the days when they’d rescue people simply because of their service to their country.”

“This is war, not paradise. Going to tell me your name Corporal? It’ll save me a few syllables.” The officer laughed.

“Like I told the Nazi here, fuck you.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just call you Reg and you’ll go along with it. You can call me Carter.”

“How about I just call you an immoral shit?”

“Because Reg, that would be a waste of fucking syllables.”

The two of them laughed, however Reg seemed more sarcastically, and then Carter changed his mood; the authoritive man was coming through again.

“Right, Reg. Put on that Nazi’s uniform. We can’t fight our way out, so we’ll do it the old fashioned way. From a distance they won’t look twice at you, but up close you’ll have to keep your head down. Any trouble, you take after me. Got that Reg?”

“Yeah, I got that. Besides the facts that if I keep my head down, it might be a bit of a fuckin’ give away if my face is hanging off and bleeding.”

“Well, take that dead lad’s handkerchief and give your face a good wipe over, eh?” he gestured towards the corpse that had been sprinkled with silver tools.

Reg crowed a groan and ripped the handkerchief from the body. He wiped his face painfully and squirmed when he felt his saliva from it. Carter was busy stripping the interrogator’s clothes, and Reg mumbled at the thought of having to wear them.

“How’s my face look now?” snarled Reg.

“Blimmin’ beautiful, now get off that blood soaked prisoner overall and stick on this fella’s clothes.”

“Carter, what about the bloody holes in the shirt. Three of ‘em as well! Couldn’t you have just shot him between the eyes?”

“Stop moaning. They won’t be noticed. Besides, the cover story is that the prisoner attacked you, I killed the prisoner, and I need to get you out to find out what you’ve learnt. Genius, eh?”

“We best hope these Nazis are fuckin’ retarded.” Reg laughed.

“No worries, Joshua. They are.” Carter grinned.

“Joshua? Oh for fuck’s sake. If you knew my real name why didn’t you just use it?”

“It’s no longer your name. You’re Reg. You need an alias, and you’ve now got one. Besides, Joshua is a waste of syllables.”

They both laughed and Reg nodded in acceptance. He scrambled over to the body with a crippled back. He put on the German overalls like a whining child. Slowly pulling the boots onto his feet, replacing his shirt, putting on a grey jacket and smirking at the medals it was decorated with as if they were his. Carter watched out through the door for any activity, but peered at Reg with one eye, amusing himself with what he saw.

Two uniformed Nazi privates approached from the corridor outside. Carter turned to Reg and his eyes burned at him, “Hurry up, before one of these half wits decides to wander on in ‘ere!”

****


Next Chapter: 9th January 2010

Please help my writing improve by posting reviews :) thankyou!
Last edited by BenFranks on Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:23 pm, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:36 pm
BenFranks says...



P.S: The reason for the amount of dialogue is that I use dialogue as a motor to my story, as opposed to narrative. However, not in the sense that I'd rather it were a play, but in a conversational narrative.
  





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Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:22 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Ben! I don't believe we've met. Hello and welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella and I will be your reviewer today.

You know what I always find funny? How under eighteens rate their work eighteen. It's hilarious. But since you wrote it, I feel justified in reading it. *rubs hands together in historical fiction -related glee*

I. NITPICKS

following the invasion of Poland 2 days ago.”


Only use 2 instead of two when referring to the date or No. something or house numbers.

into the small crowded room.


It's crowded, yet there are only two in there?

“Oh for God’s sake woman!


Whenever you're addressing someone with their name or a word like "woman," there's a comma either before or after it or both depending where it is in the sentence. So there should be one after "sake" here. Go through your piece and pick up the other ones, like "You listen 'ere, Roger!"

“Marie, I am sorry – but I do insist you be more patient.” Roger replied


That should be a comma after patient. Confused about dialogue punctuation? Here is an article by our very own Demeter that'll help.

She wore a simple, black v-neck and a gray skirt.


Did people wear v-necks back then? Also, I thought you were English. If so, that's "grey."

“Don’t think that because you were born with authority and I’m naturally well mannered and passive, that you can talk to me as if you were my senior!”


...Talking heads instead of character development? I'll explain later.

Mr. Fuck you,


That should be a capital "Y."

The man was speaking with a heavy German accent. He was of medium build and stood in gray Nazi overalls, his eyes were a deep blue and his wispy gray hair was covered by an officer’s hat that crowed over the man’s dark gray eyebrows.


An example of telling. Again, I'll explain in a bit.
a single, red Nazi flag band,


This sounds odd. Nazi flag band. Swastika armband? Nazi armband? But you've already said he's a Nazi (which I'm not so sure about, but whatever) so if you said a red band I'm sure people can guess what's on it.

and your lovely Mother, Marie,


Why is mother capitalised?

Alright...

II. DIALOGUE

So you like dialogue? Good! Great! Me too! I absolutely adore dialogue, and I often let my story just ride along on the dialogue because, well, I like it and I find it easy to write.

But with dialogue, there are some things you have to avoid. Firstly, talking heads. Again, I have another article, this time by the wonderful Dreamer that explains it.

You can use dialogue for a lot of things. But using it to do description, or even character development? Only to an extent. You see the example I mentioned above in your writing. I mean, seriously? Who would say that? You need to show us that Roger is hen-pecked, not just put it into the dialogue. We need to get a sense of who these people are by reading between the lines, not by listening to what they describe the other as.

My best advice about dialogue is to read over it and even act it out to yourself. As I always say, people don't get straight to the point in real life. They ramble. They use words like "and" and "like" (like and and like, heheh, see?) far too much. Read over it, and anything that sounds unnatural? Make it natural!

III. SHOW AND TELL

So. Read this:

"Ben opened the door and saw that Mandy was standing outside. The sunlight framed her figure from outside. Mandy was quite small but curvy. She had wavy blonde hair that went down to her elbows and dark brown eyes that reminded Ben of a Labrador dog. She cocked her head and smiled. 'Hello,' she said."

And now, read this:

"Ben opened the door and the sunlight framed Mandy's small, curvy figure. She cocked her head, sending a wave of blonde hair over her shoulder to her elbow, and smiled. "Hello," she said, her Labrador brown eyes twinkling."

Now, which looks better?

Try and, instead of doing descriptions all at once, showing us your characters. When the Nazi officer looks at the prisoner, maybe he's looking at him through his glasses? The moon coming through the bars, is it shining on his grey hair? Don't tell us about them, show them to us!

I don't know if I'm making much sense. Please feel free to tell me if I'm not.

IV. OVERALL

Not bad, not bad at all. Just pay attention to what I said.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:11 pm
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BenFranks says...



Thankyou, I found your review very helpful :). It's only rated 18+ until I get confirmation of the language! I find your dialogue tips very useful and I'm making changes as we speak! Thanks again :)
Ben
  





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Sat Jan 09, 2010 9:35 pm
captain.classy says...



Wow. Okay, I am surprised you have only one other review. This story was so well written and such a pleasure to read!

Okay, so I don't have any nit-picks, I believe Stella got them all anyways.

Characters
Should I call him Reg? Yes I should.
So I do this thing when I review most peoples works. I judge their characters good or bad by how well I can remember their names. And good for you, I do. It means to me that the characters are meaningful enough for me to get to know.

Reg
So we first encounter a man named Roger and a woman named Marie.
Then we later find out that Marie is Reg's mother, right? I love how you did that. It gives us a sense of where he comes from. So that now, even though we have only heard a few words from him, and don't even know what he looks like, we have a sense of where he came from. I feel like I have been reading about Reg for a few chapters. He is a wonderful character. I love his fu's. They make sense, though I have a sense that he's an idiot for the simple fact that he attacks the person who is trying to save him.

Carter
All I want to say about him is that I can tell he is a character I am going to fall in love with. Whether he turns out evil or good, I just love him already.

Setting
I am not completely sure where they are. Have you ever seen Hostile? Well at the end a boy is being killed by someone else blah blah blah, but it is in this creepy room. The walls are vertical boards and light seeps through them. I have a feeling that the room is not like this, because it is soundproof, but since you didn't give n explanation, I don't know what it looks like. Please tell us, I would love to know.

Plot
Hmm, well you left me with a big mystery I would love to know: Why were they interrogating Reg. If carter doesn't find him important enough to save, then why did the Nazi's keep him prisoner?

I really like this, on to the next installment.

~Classy
  





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Sun Jan 10, 2010 2:21 pm
BenFranks says...



Thankyou for your review! :D
  





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Mon Jan 11, 2010 1:51 am
empressoftheuniverse says...



Okay, I thought I reviewed this but.. I guess not. :/ I read it, at any rate.
Random Nitpicks/ Things that annoy me
BenFranks wrote:“Well, Mr. Fuck you, if you don’t give me your real name, I shall be forced to put you under a lot of pain.”

From what we learn next about Josh's appearance, he already is in a lot of pain. Maybe you should say additional pain, or worse pain, or something.
BenFranks wrote:Obersturmführer

lolz. I love how his alias so overtly German... :) Not a nitpick, I just laughed when I saw it.
BenFranks wrote:The SS Officer drew a knife from his holster and cut the rope that was tied around the corporal’s wrists, and then cut the rope round his legs. The corporal reacted by quickly kicking at the Officer’s legs to bring him down, then pulling up his face and intended to then repeatedly punch him until his face became a pulp of blood and fragmented bones. His attack failed and after the first punch he broke his knuckles on the Officer’s square jaw. This was enough time.

Okay, not understanding the motivations here.. I would have jumped into this guy's arms after he shot my torturer and cut me free. I'm not a corporal, sure, and I suppose he is tired and not likely to go anywhere without a fight, but I.... just didn't thing this was sensible of him.
BenFranks wrote:“This is war, not paradise. Going to tell me your name Corporal? It’ll save me a few syllables.”

I don't know why, but the fact that he says the phrase "save a few syllables" so often in the text amuses me to no end, because it takes a lot of time to say "a waste of syllables" or "save some syllables" so he's essentially wasting syllables while talking about wasting them.
But that's nothing bit. Actually, nothing above was a major edit, or even an edit. Just things that strike me as off/odd.
Characters
Marie- amazing character, I hope to see more of her in later chapters or installments.
Roger-- same thing. I love their relationship together, couples like this always amuse me.
Reg/Joshua- ehhh. I don't like him all that much. He seems weird, angry and obstinate. maybe in later chapters he'll be intelligent or have some pleasant characteristic, but right now he seems like your average angry corporal; he just whines about everything.
Carter- seems like a pretty good guy; not liking the chemistry between the two all that much, but maybe it will deepen in later chapters. Their first meeting together felt kind of awkward, but maybe that's the circumstances and not the writing.

My nitpicks were really, really ludicrous, I know. But I have to say something about your story.
Besides that, awesome job and keep up the great work.
WAIT
plot, lolz
Since you asked me to review this, I guess I should say something.
It seems pretty solid-- not much has happened. I can't believe you put a twist in the first chapter; a twist for me, at least. The fact that Roger and Marie were part of British Intelligence. Wow. So pretty great start. If this were my story, there would be a pregnant woman and a hydrogen bomb by the first chapter but...
7/10 - and that's harsh. To get a ten out of ten you would have to really, really surprise me.
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Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:55 pm
BenFranks says...



Thankyou so much for the feedback.
  





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Tue Jan 26, 2010 9:42 pm
Karsten says...



Hi Ben,

Just a few quick comments on the opening.

I'm slightly confused by the level of historical accuracy here. I love the fact that you're using the original German terminology, complete with umlauts - but I'm less in love with the fact that you didn't use Chamberlain's famous and instantly recognisable declaration of war. It's this, by the way:

"This morning, the British Ambassador in Berlin handed the German Government a final note, stating that unless we heard from them by 11 O'clock that they were prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland a state of war would exist between us. I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received and that consequently this country is at war with Germany."


It feels very weird to read a fictionalised version of one of history's most famous speeches. It's like reading something that is recognisably based on Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, but doesn't use any of the phrases. Unsettling. I wonder if you could up the historical accuracy a little more by using the original speech? I think it would make a very striking opening - I get the chills whenever I hear the Chamberlain speech.

I found the opening itself a little confusing. I had to read the first few sentences several times, and even then I felt like I wasn't fully understanding what you meant to convey. For example, you say that "a man and woman ... listened like a hawk". Hawks aren't usually known for their hearing - it's their eyesight that is famous. I'm not sure I see the image you're trying to conjure up here. Then the next sentence is that the woman "squinted to ... hear the speech above the buzzing". Squinting improves eyesight, not hearing - you'd squint to see something, not to hear something. So again, I'm wondering if you're really using the right language.

Though I was enticed by the promise of authentic German terminology, I'm finding the writing so confusing that at the moment, I probably wouldn't read on. I know this is a quick decision - normally I give stories about a page or 250 words to hook me - but I really need strong writing in the stories I read.

Hope this helps, Ben. As always, take the advice that helps you and discard the rest.

Cheers,
Karsten
  





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Fri Jan 29, 2010 9:09 pm
BenFranks says...



Thanks Karsten.
  





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Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:51 pm
BeautifulDoom says...



Hey, Ben! :] Here I am to review your story. I'm gonna do a really thorough review, because you've always done the same for me! xD By the way, I really appreciate it. Okay, enough rambling. Here I go! (In a very pretty color.)


“People of Britain. On this day of 3rd September 1939, Britain and France are at war with Germany, following the invasion of Poland two days ago.” The radio crackled and breathed out a fuzz of noise into the small room. Good description, and great way to start the chapter. I like the quote, it makes the setting seem more authentic. Great! In the room a man and a woman, their mouths gaping wide, listened like a hawk. I like this line. The woman squinted to try and hear the speech above the buzzing. The man glanced up to his wife before quickly looking back and imitating his wife’s actions. Before he could make the right face the woman changed her expression and began to seem angry. Hmm. I like this line, but I suggest you make it flow better. Maybe put something like: "He couldn't make the proper face in time, and the woman changed her expression so that she looked angry." Just a suggestion, though. It's totally up to you!



“Roger, you bloody blitherin’ idiot! Fix the radio!”I love how you can tell they're British, with the slang and everything. She cried and began whaling her arms hopelessly murmuring about anything that came to mind, “Well Roger? Have you done it? Come on! Chambers is tryin’ to tell us somethin’ that might be important!” This makes the reader wonder what they're trying to hear, and wants to read more. Excellent.



The man simply carried on pondering over the electronics and didn’t say a word. Haha, I love the word "pondering". Sorry. XD



“Roger!” His wife cried.



“Oh for God’s sake, woman! I’m bloody doing it aren’t I?” He shouted and towered over his wife.Great imagery. His outbreak had happened so quickly, she was genuinely frightened and shocked. Probably shocked he had the nerve more than anything. As soon as she noticed his confusion she took her stand.



“You listen ‘ere, Roger! No-one, no matter who you are, takes a tone like that to a woman!”Haha, I like her. She desperately tried to scramble into a position that made her look superior; “I’m naturally annoyed that you’re takin’ so darn long to fiddle with that radio when we’re tryin’ to listen to Chambers! Do you not know a war has broken out?” This is really good for character development. It shows that the woman is not someone who is going to be messed with.



“Marie, I am sorry – but I do insist you be more patient,” Roger replied before returning to the radio. He picked it up and shook it around a little.



Marie had thrown herself backward into the armchair that stood in the small front room. Her face was wrinkled and her neck hung saggy under her eyes. She wore a simple, black sweater and a grey skirt. Her expression was blank and irritated but at least she was quiet.Paints a picture in the mind of Marie. Good description. I especially like how you said what she was wearing, it kind of hints that the people you are talking about are not rich. Roger, on the other hand, was her opposite. His body was rounded and plump, his head sat on him like an egg in quick sand and he wore simple, blue work overalls. He was losing his hair on his head and what was left of it was gray and stringy. Again, same thing with Roger. xD



“Buzz… zzz… and as of September the 5th operations in Belgium will begin to secure Britain and Western Europe’s national safety. Do not panic, Britain will triumph against the Axis and against Hitler! With the help of the Allies, the Axis don’t have…” the broadcast continued to fill the room as Roger returned to his own seat.Sets the scene again and reminds the reader of what is happening. Good job! He looked over to his wife. She scowled at him, and he drew his gaze back. He felt the need to make it up to her and stood up, began walking to the kitchen and stopped mid trip turning to his wife and saying, “Can I get you a cuppa Marie?” Shows who the more dominant one is!



“I could bloody well do with one!” She exclaimed staring at the ground.



Roger looked at her, pondered in thought momentarily, and then said gallantly, “Well, my dear, in that case – get off your backside and get one yourself!” Oh SNAP.



Marie just laughed.



“What’s funny?” Roger said in disgust, worrying his comment had backfired on him.



“Oh, nothing dear.” She continued to chuckle.



“Marie, don’t be childish.”



“How dare you! You’re the one being childish. You tell your own woman to get her own cuppa? That’s disgusting Roger!” She stood out of her armchair and told him off like she was his mother. “We both know perfectly well you’re going to get me a cuppa because you’re a naturally born gentlemen. So my dear, it is you who is being childish!” Your character development is great. This paragraph shows what kind of personality both of them have. It makes the reader get an opinion about these two characters.



“Marie, I am tired of this. May I insist that you’re not going to be my woman for much longer if you don’t realize your place!” He decided his best bet would be to fight back and he continued, “Don’t think that because you're my wife, you can talk to me as if you were my senior!” Roger was in panic of where his argument was heading. He knew for one that he was too passive to not make her a cup of tea, but at the same time knew he was threatening their marraige over it.



“Roger my dear, please stop! Don’t make your woman feel so bad about herself!” She cried. “Just go make us both a cuppa and we can sit and listen to the radio together.” Her mood had clearly altered. Roger huffed like a child who couldn’t get his own way.



“I will Marie.”



“Thank you,” she said smiling fruitfully.Hmm. Not entirely sure about this word.



He realised there was no point in continuing as she had obviously decided to take him on a guilt trip. Roger advanced into the kitchen and put some water over the stove to boil.



***********************************************************************



Chapter One







Three years later - 1942

Belgium



“I want your name.”



“F-fuck you…”



“No, your name.”



“And… I said… fuck you!”



“Well, Mr. Fuck you, if you don’t give me your real name, I shall be forced to put you under a lot of pain.” I like this line a lot because it transforms the setting from peaceful to violent. It makes the reader want to keep reading. Great!



The man was speaking with a heavy German accent. He was of medium build and stood in gray Nazi overalls, his eyes were a deep blue and his wispy gray hair was covered by an officer’s hat that crowed over the man’s dark gray eyebrows. A pair of gold, thin-framed spectacles sat on his perky nose.Good description. He was pacing back and forth in a black room; the only light was the illumination of the moon outside that had weaved its way through the barred slit windows near the ceiling. Momentarily the Nazi’s gloves were lit to reveal a coating of dark red blood. It was clearly from the other man’s face, a man who appeared to be more of a corpse, his face hanging to the ground and he sat with a crippled, arch back. His face was covered in blood and bruises from where he’d been hit. It looked yellow, red and purple all at the same time and it was very disfigured – probably a fractured jaw and a broken nose.Wow. REALLY good description here. I like how you told what his injuries were. The Nazi turned to the sweating disfigured man one more time and peered deep into his eyes. His gaze was cold.



“I will ask you one more time.” He said without blinking, his arms steady on his prisoner’s weak shoulders, “what is your name?”



The prisoner managed to look up and give him an ugly grin, “And… I’ll tell you one more time… fuck… you!” the prisoner spat at the Nazi’s face. Nice!



The Nazi blinked and slapped the man with the back of his hand. He walked a couple of steps away and pulled out a handkerchief. He wiped the lenses of his saliva-covered spectacles. If he was angry he didn’t show it, he appeared to be relaxed and he was breathing steadily. He walked towards a small, lit tray of tools and smiled to himself. “Now this shall be very hard for you.” Suspensful. I like it.



Suddenly before he could pick up a tool another Nazi, this time dressed in all-black overalls but with a single, red Nazi flag band, which was strapped round his arm, stepped into the room. He saluted to the interrogator. This new man was extremely well built. His jaw was muscular and his hair was a thick blonde, he had dirty brown eyes and a layer of unshaven bristle on his cheeks, chin and neck. He was far taller than the grey haired Nazi and clearly had more authority as the smaller Nazi backed away when he’d entered. He had realised that the new guest was SS.



“Mr. Von Schlick, I require a word with the prisoner.” Said the SS Officer in German. Von Schlick nodded slowly and his face became emotionless. The SS Officer turned to him and growled, “alone Von Schlick.” This kind of puts wonder in about the new Nazi. It makes the reader wonder what's going to happen.



“Obersturmführer, may I see your ID? The Führer told me to make sure I get information… and well if you’re not who you say you are-”



The Obersturmführer interrupted, “Yah, this is my ID…” he reached for his pocket with his left hand, but with his right he quickly delved into his holster and ripped out a Luger pistol shooting Von Schlick three times in the chest. He was thrown back and the tray of tools was knocked to the ground, his body was left to lie in a pool of his own blood. Intense. Good description, and well-written too.



“Don’t worry Von Schlick, you’ll rest in peace yet. This room is sound proof.” Groaned the Obersturmführer in bad English. The prisoner was watching wide eyed, but you couldn’t tell because his disfigured face made it look like he was squinting. He laughed.



“Ha! All you fucking Nazis are the same! Shootin’ your own people. You disgust me you bastard!” The prisoner dramatically tried to scramble free of his imprisonment but couldn’t wriggle through the rope. His wrists began to bleed.



“Shut your mouth Corporal.” His English was better now.



“What… I’m no corporal you ass! You rotten German scum!” He cried as he pushed again to get threw the rope. Blood trickled from his hung face and his burning wrists. This definitely shows the prisoner's opinion on Nazis.



“I am no German, corporal. Now stop moaning, this may be a sound proof room but if you carry on they’ll hear your fuckin’ moaning in Berlin!”



The SS Officer drew a knife from his holster and cut the rope that was tied around the corporal’s wrists, and then cut the rope round his legs. The corporal reacted by quickly kicking at the Officer’s legs to bring him down, then pulling up his face and intended to then repeatedly punch him until his face became a pulp of blood and fragmented bones. His attack failed and after the first punch he broke his knuckles on the Officer’s square jaw. This was enough time. The officer grabbed his knife and hit the corporal with the butt of it, not hard enough to knock him out, but to give him enough time to bring his mind to the reality of the past few minutes’ events. The man grunted as he lay on the cold stone floor twisting back and forth. Shows that the newer character is very strong and could probably beat up other men. Good description of events, by the way.



“Corporal, I’m with British intelligence. I’m on your blitherin’ side!” said the officer and gave him a kick in the lungs for bruising his jaw. “You’re not as tough as I thought.”



“Well Mr. British intelligence, firstly I’ve had my face battered in by some old tart in leather gloves and then a fancy undercover SS officer hits me with the butt of his blade.” He groaned and got to his feet, “Secondly, what the bloody hell is a British intelligence officer doing rescuing a bloody Corporal? Especially when he could be snipin’ that Hitler’s fucking brains out of his skull.” Haha, I love this.



“Ah, trust me, if I had no debts to repay or no friends, I’d happily leave you here and go to shoot some fella’s brains out. Unfortunately your old man, Roger Testing and your lovely Mother, Marie, happen to be part of a division of the British Intelligence. Well, when they found out we knew you were being imprisoned, well, it felt morale that I’d go and get you out. As well as your old man being quite insistent we do something.” This explains a lot. It kind of clears up who the two people are and their relation to the couple in the beginning of the chapter.



“Fuck me. Even the British are bastards. You saying that you rescued me because I’m the blood of two old knockers who like to earwig German radio communication? Christ! I miss the days when they’d rescue people simply because of their service to their country.”



“This is war, not paradise. Going to tell me your name Corporal? It’ll save me a few syllables.” The officer laughed.



“Like I told the Nazi here, fuck you.”



“Well, in that case, I’ll just call you Reg and you’ll go along with it. You can call me Carter.”



“How about I just call you an immoral shit?”



“Because Reg, that would be a waste of fucking syllables.”



The two of them laughed, however Reg seemed more sarcastically, and then Carter changed his mood; the authoritive man was coming through again. Hmm. What do you mean by "coming through"?



“Right, Reg. Put on that Nazi’s uniform. We can’t fight our way out, so we’ll do it the old fashioned way. From a distance they won’t look twice at you, but up close you’ll have to keep your head down. Any trouble, you take after me. Got that Reg?” It shows that Carter is a very assertive person.



“Yeah, I got that. Besides the facts that if I keep my head down, it might be a bit of a fuckin’ give away if my face is hanging off and bleeding.”



“Well, take that dead lad’s handkerchief and give your face a good wipe over, eh?” he gestured towards the corpse that had been sprinkled with silver tools.



Reg crowed a groan and ripped the handkerchief from the body. He wiped his face painfully and squirmed when he felt his saliva from it. Carter was busy stripping the interrogator’s clothes, and Reg mumbled at the thought of having to wear them.



“How’s my face look now?” snarled Reg.I love it when writers use different words than "said". I like that you used "snarled". It's more creative.



“Blimmin’ beautiful, now get off that blood soaked prisoner overall and stick on this fella’s clothes.”



“Carter, what about the bloody holes in the shirt. Three of ‘em as well! Couldn’t you have just shot him between the eyes?”



“Stop moaning. They won’t be noticed. Besides, the cover story is that the prisoner attacked you, I killed the prisoner, and I need to get you out to find out what you’ve learnt. Genius, eh?”



“We best hope these Nazis are fuckin’ retarded.” Reg laughed.



“No worries, Joshua. They are.” Carter grinned.



“Joshua? Oh for fuck’s sake. If you knew my real name why didn’t you just use it?”



“It’s no longer your name. You’re Reg. You need an alias, and you’ve now got one. Besides, Joshua is a waste of syllables.”



They both laughed and Reg nodded in acceptance. He scrambled over to the body with a crippled back. He put on the German overalls like a whining child.I love the comparison. Paints a picture, once again. Slowly pulling the boots onto his feet, replacing his shirt, putting on a grey jacket and smirking at the medals it was decorated with as if they were his. Carter watched out through the door for any activity, but peered at Reg with one eye, amusing himself with what he saw. I think instead of saying "amusing himself with what he saw", you should put ",very amused by what he said". I think that reads better.



Two uniformed Nazi privates approached from the corridor outside. Carter turned to Reg and his eyes burned at him, “Hurry up, before one of these half wits decides to wander on in ‘ere!”Hmm. I feel that you could make this ending a bit better by putting in more suspense, to make the reader excited for the next chapter.



This was a really good piece of writing. You're veryy talented, expecially with description. You really know how to paint a picture in the reader's mind. Your strong points (within this chapter, anyways) are dialogue, description, and the general setting of the chapter. Aside from a few of those nitpicks I pointed out, I think this is a really good piece of writing. It's original, too. Most stories about WW2 are about Jews being sent to death camps. I like how your story is about the other side of WW2, the one besides the death camps. It's great!

Anyways, I should stop rambling. I'm going to definitely review the other chapters in the near future, so look out for them. :] You're an extremely talented writer, and I can't wait to read more.

BeautifulDoom
"There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."
  





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Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:59 pm
BenFranks says...



Thanks a million BeautifulDoom!

Packs of positive feedback, really makes me feel good about writing! Love it!

Cheers again.
Ben

(P.S ~ Pro review method :D)
  





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Wed Feb 24, 2010 5:41 pm
BenFranks says...



Bumped for further feedback.
  





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Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:51 am
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Tenyo says...



This is amazing. Historical fiction can be a bore to people outside the genre, but this kept me reading all the way through. It seems most of the little things have already been picked out, so I'll not go into that.

Your introduction to these two people listening to a radio was a little vague, maybe you could describe the setting a bit more, like, rather than saying a small room, add a little description of what kind of room it was.

I'm no good at history, so I can't tell which information is entirely true, but I like how you've put so much thought into the research. It adds a lot to the piece.

Just watch out for repeated words, that happens a few times. Try not to repeat words too much in the same sentence or paragraph, especially verbs or nouns. Finding alternatives will also help to boost your vocabulary.
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Sat Feb 27, 2010 10:42 am
BenFranks says...



Thanks for the feedback :)
and
I'm no good at history, so I can't tell which information is entirely true, but I like how you've put so much thought into the research. It adds a lot to the piece.

That's a little interesting since I didn't really do any! Lol! :D But I was going for the complete fictional route. I suppose I did research the Nazi rank equivalents, but not much else :)
  








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