Young Writers Society

Chapter One


I ran quickly into the tiny tenement building that housed my family along with six others. My heart was racing wildly, I thought it would burst from my chest. My legs ached from the effort, and my eyes darted wildly around for any evidence that the rumors were true. There was no sign of them, the horrible men in the tan uniforms that I measured with about fifty percent hate and fifty percent fear. My heart relaxed slightly as I ran into my family's room and encountered a strangely peaceful scene despite the awful conditions of this filthy ghetto.
My small family was alone in our room, although it housed six other families. They were gathered around a small loaf of bread, giving thanks. My heart swelled with love at the sight of the three people I loved most in the world. I saw my mother's strikingly pretty face, prematurely lined with worry and despair that the Nazis had brought upon us. I saw my father's squared jaw, which made him look like he was constantly looking for a fight, even though he was peace-loving by nature. Lastly, I saw my little brother's boyish, rounded face that almost always had a smile on it. A smile immediately lept to my face as I saw my family.
"Lisbet, hurry up and be seated. We need to finish giving thanks and then eat this wonderful meal. It's not every day your mother finds an entire loaf of bread!" my father said, with a loving smile to my mother. She blushed, still completely in love with him after all these years. I took my place next to Gabe, and finally remembered what I had to tell them.
"Mother, Father...I have heard horrible rumors that the German soldiers are going to take us away to a death camp. You've heard about them! No one comes out alive there. We have to hide!"
My father's eyes narrowed with scrutiny. "And that's all you have heard, Lissy. Rumors. There is absolutely no proof to these so called "facts". I will not hide like some kind of animal. We are all human beings, despite what the Germans say." My father finished with another flinty-eyed look. "Now eat." He said harshly, making me regret that I had even said anything. I obediently bit off a piece of bread and chewed, anything to keep me from shooting back instantly without thinking, as I was prone to do. We finished our dinner in silence.
By the time we finished our dinner, about half of our roomates returned, the Stein family and the Freeman family. It wad our turn to use the bed, but I stared at my reflection in the small mirror hanging on the wall.
I have always known that I am beautiful. It is not arrogance, it is just something I have dealt with for my whole life. Before we were transported here to Krakow, I would run to do errands for my mother, and even respectable businessmen turned their heads to gape at me. I had an exquisite face, with a proportionate button nose, full lips, and enormous blue eyes that were very rare on a Jewish girl. I had black hair that hung to my shoulders, and despite this filthy ghetto my complexion has stayed clear. Also, after seventeen years of growing, my figure had developed quite nicely. I had hourglass curves and long legs that any model would kill for. My breasts have grown fuller, and they were proportionate to the rest of my body. I have always hated my beauty until now. It had always caused me unwanted attention. I was always the type of girl who wanted to blend into the backround, but I could never achieve it. My mother often said, "Your beauty is your only weapon in this harsh, Jew-hating world."
My thoughts were interrupted by heavy footsteps coming up the stairs to our room. By the sound of it, there was more than one pair of feet. Fear seized my heart, and I locked eyes with my mother from across the room. Before I could speak, the door was kicked open and three men in the dreaded tan uniform were suddenly in the room with us. With fierce expressions on their faces, they began hollering at us in German. "GET OUTSIDE. Do not bring anything with you, and do not try to hide. Anyone who tries to resist will be shot on the spot in the back of the head." Sheer terror gripped me, for the man said the last sentence with a cold, chilling finality that I knew he was not lying.

Wow. I am in awe. This is really good! I liked it ALOT. I always loved stories about WW2 and I actually plan to write a love story between a German Natzi and Jewish prisoner. Anyway, I think that you over done the description of herself a bit too much. No girl reallly wants to talk about her breast to say the truth. I think that you left us at the perfect cliff hanger too! PM me when the next part is up!


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

Haha thank you, I've been worried about how it would turn out since it's my first chapter and I'm also new here. :] Thanks for the comment, and I'll definitely PM you when Chapter Two is up.

You should go to "Will Review for Food" forum and ask the people there to review your story! I did..haven't got many reviews but never mind that's not the point. I'm actually pretty new here too, only been here about a year. Don't worry the people here are really nice and the writing is ~incredible~

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

I really liked your story! I liked the detail you gave and I have a question. Is this going to be a novel or a short story? Cause I have one problem if it's going to be a novel. But I'll hold my tongue until I find out. Don't worry. It's not a problem. Just a suggestion.

Really the only thing I found that could be wrong. (Keep in mind that I'm no English major, so I can't tell you if your using correct punctuation or sentence structure.)

BeautifulDoom wrote:"And that's all you have heard, Lissy. Rumors. There is absolutely no proof to these so called "facts".

But the only problem I found was in this sentence. My old English teacher told me that your not supposed to put quotes inside of quotes. But there are certain situations which are ok to do so. I think like, if it's a quote within the story then it's fine. For example if Character A was quoting Character B? Idk she confused me too. So I would suggest trying to find a different way for the dad to state the word Facts. I may be wrong on this though..

Wow. I gotta learn how to not ramble.

Anyways I like the story and let me know if you have plans for it being a novel or short story!

Thank you so much!:] I'm not sure how to do a quote within a quote, so I just took a random guess I'll definitely look into it for my next chapter, 'cause I want my writing to be as grammatically correct as possible. Also, I'm planning on this story to be a novel, but only because it's going to be spread out over a long period of time. You seem really experienced, since you're a Junior Writer, (hah, does that mean you're experienced? I'm new on this whole title thing.), so any tips would be greatly appreciated. As you can see, I have a problem with rambling too. Thank you!

I'm not really that experienced and the junior writer title comes with upping your post count, I think it's fifteen so you are only three off, but thanks for the compliment!

So since this is a novel. I was thinking you maybe should have waited a little before the Nazi's took over. Just to me, it seems just a little more fast paced then needed. But I may be wrong. Maybe as the author your wanting to jump into the action right away? Or maybe you just have totally different reasons all together of starting it off with a bang?
Basically where I'm trying to get at is if the mom,dad and little bro are going to play big roles in the story, you should take a chapter or two JUST to develop us into liking those characters. That way we care for them a lot more then we do now.
I'm trying to say, See rambling problem , is if those characters are going to play a significant role then maybe take a little more time to develop them.
If you look at my short story, link in the signature, I kind of don't follow that rule. But only because I think it's better for the story. Oh and also because mine is a short story so those characters are not of much importance.

I really hope I didn't confuse you, haha. But let me know if this helped at all. I'm defiantly reading more of your work in the future!

Mhm, I definitely see your point. I'm going to develop a bond between my main character and her mother very soon, mainly because I want to show whoever is reading how the Holocaust drove families apart and stuff. But enouh said, because this story is going to take some serious twists and turns for the main character, some of which do not include her family. I don't want to spoil it though! Thanks so much for the feedback, and I'll definitely review your short story. :]

I figured you did it for a reason. Just wanted to make sure, ya know, didn't want a good idea wasted Haha.

Yeah random me here just wanted to say because I've gotten so far 5 emails from YWS saying someone has posted on the post you posted on (WTH?) that I agree with Amnien, if it's a novel your going a bit too fast This is amazing though! I really really really really can't wait till the next part comes out but until then I'll sit down and read boring stuff like how Confucianism effected gender equality in china and stuff actually that's a post here but coicindently I actually have to write an essay on that EXACT same question..OMG! thought burst! The dude who wrote that might be from my CLASS! ZOH MY GIZZLES!! kay that sounded wrong...not using gizzles anymore...OFF TO GO SEE IF DUDE WHO WROTE ESSAY ON LONG SENTENCE I DONT WANT TO WRITE AGAIN IS IN MY CLASS!!!


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

LMFAO. someone has some serious sugar highs XD

hey,

I will try to express my thoughts to the best of my ability. First I would like to touch on the subject of rushing to fast through the novel. I would completely disagree. Not trying to be mean or rude, but how can you assume he is rushing when this is the first chapter? This is a great first chapter it starts out with a bang which is an awesome hooker. I don't think it is rushed because the reader doesn't have any reason to believe it is rushed, this is all we have to cling to and it is a great intro.

To explain I thought that it was very descriptive, but there was a problem with that and I will touch on it shortly. This chapter is introductory and thus you introduced your characters and I thought that was expressed pretty well. About the descriptions, I felt that they were very good, but would the person actually think that?

Example:

I have always known that I am beautiful. It is not arrogance, it is just something I have dealt with for my whole life. Before we were transported here to Krakow, I would run to do errands for my mother, and even respectable businessmen turned their heads to gape at me. I had an exquisite face, with a proportionate button nose, full lips, and enormous blue eyes that were very rare on a Jewish girl. I had black hair that hung to my shoulders, and despite this filthy ghetto my complexion has stayed clear. Also, after seventeen years of growing, my figure had developed quite nicely. I had hourglass curves and long legs that any model would kill for. My breasts have grown fuller, and they were proportionate to the rest of my body. I have always hated my beauty until now. It had always caused me unwanted attention. I was always the type of girl who wanted to blend into the backround, but I could never achieve it. My mother often said, "Your beauty is your only weapon in this harsh, Jew-hating world."

This paragraph was very well written as far as I could tell, but the problem was that why would she think about her appearance. An author always has to think of inginuitive ways to introduce a character's appearance. This usually only applies to the main character as others are quite easy to describe. It is much harder to find a way describing the main character in first person. One example of what I mean could be this. (not a quote just in quote box)

The men must have noticed my beauty because the all turned to look. They gave me the once over like they all do eventually. I could almost picture his eyes starting at my long legs, moving up to my filled breasts, then landing on my face. To which they would gape at. I was quite lucky to have my long black hair, and thats always what their eyes hit next.

I hope you understood what I meant by the whole descriptive stuff. Overall I really liked it, and I cant wait to see where you are going with this. I am (the reader) is assuming she is going to the camp, but we are at your mercy to find out what actually happens. I have learned to be open when it comes to the future of a story.

Thanks for the feedback! Haha I don't want to give anything away, but the reason I described how she looks so thoroughly is because it plays a major role in the rest of the story. I really appreciate your comment, though. And I definitely see your point about the whole descriptive stuff. I think I should have definitely introduced her appearance through someone else, but I didn't know how to do it in the first chapter, you know? Thanks for the comment, it made my day. :] By the way, I just recently published Chapter Two if you wanna take a look.

I see your point Daydream, what I meant by fast paced was, to me, it seemed like the story was going to fast for the characters to keep up with. Meaning, yeah it would be sad if character A died, but wouldn't it be more upsetting if during the first chapter she is playing chess with Character A (Which I'm going to say is a boy) and the MC says she has a crush on Character A and they share their first kiss etc. etc. That, to me, would be more upsetting reading the death of that character then just rushing the death.

But as the author she is in control and might want the pace of her novel to be explosive and fast. I don't know. Anyways love the story and I commented on your chapter two.

It wasn't anyone from my class.....:_( but of course I LOVE your story!


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate