Young Writers Society

Any words like t.his mean that the . needs to be there or my computer will take out the word
Comments/suggestions appreaciated

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Chapter 5

Emily woke up to the sound of gunshots. Startled, she sat up, her eyes wide with fright
“Its alright, they’re just s.hooting seabirds” her friend said, patting her shoulder. Emily nodded sleepily, and lay back down, expecting to rest her head on her only other clothes and book, but her head only made contact with the hard floor of the ship.
My book and clothes...they’re gone!!! She thought, sitting up again and wildly searching around, hoping they’d just been moved. But no, her meagre belongings had disappeared...stolen maybe. It was very likely, since clothes and amusements were scarce on this ship, and she felt that none of the other convicts were to be trusted. Emily wearily passed her hand over her face, and then gazed around the hold. Other women were waking up and starting their usual complaint about the food, and their neighbours. It was the same every day. Life settled into a pattern after a while:

Wake up,
Eat breakfast which consisted of dry bread and water and occasionally a stale and weevilly ship biscuit,
Listen to the noisy tramping of soldier’s boots overhead as they paraded on deck, and the shouting of officers,
Sit in suspense as convicts were randomly chosen to get 10 lashes by the whip each day,
Swallow a thin cold gruel for lunch,
Watch desperate people g.amble for clothes or belongings
Sit in darkness until supper time...

Crash! The door to the hold was kicked open and it swung loudly against the wall. A tall officer in regimentals stood at the top step, his face cold and blank, his eyes searching the sea of people for a new victim.
His eyes alighted on Emily, and a faint flicker of something showed in his eyes, before they became cold and hard again. He barked an order to a waiting soldier and pointed into the crowd. The man nodded, and marched down between the rows of cowering humanity, before seizing Emily by the arm, and roughly pulling her to her feet.
The terrified g.irl stifled a scream with her other hand, as she was dragged out of the hold. Her eyes pleaded silently with the silent convicts as she passed, but all she was only given pitying glances, or openly relieved expressions.

Head hanging, she stumbled onto the deck, and cried silently as they bound her tightly to the main mast. The soldiers stood around in a circle, at ease, as the ships mate got out his cat-o-nine tails. Emily rested her head against the mast, and closed her eyes, bracing for the shock.
The mate stripped off his shirt, and stood ready for the order to be given.

“Commence!” commanded the officer after a short pause, and down came the whip with a swish, hissing as they struck across the thinly clad back of the g.irl.
A choked sob escaped Emily, but she bit her lip resolutely, and prayed silently, feeling herself go numb as the flogging continued. A few of the soldiers flinched as the whip began to draw b.lood and left deep marks across the pale skin. The mate took a deep breath and delivered the last blow hardest of all.
A pie.rcing shriek split the air as the lash severed the quivering g.irls last strength. With a last gasp, she fainted, still tied to the mast. She hung limply until an officer cut her loose. She collapsed onto the deck, still unconscious, the b.lood dripped silently down her back, forming a pool below her.

“Get her down below and put salt into her wounds” instructed the officer, turning away from the pitiful sight, and marching back to his cabin. The ships doctor came forward and motioning to a nearby soldier, put the desolate bundle onto a stained plank that served as a stretcher, and carried her down a ladder into his cabin. He rubbed salt into her wounds, and bound them with rough bandages, then the aide slung her over his shoulder as if she was a penny weight and headed down to the hold once more. He opened the door and grimaced at the smell, before putting her down in a clear space. Emily’s friend hurried over to her, and the soldier left her to care for her. He left the hold with his head in the air, and hurried to the railing before the smell overcame him.

As night fell, the wind increased, and the ship glided along, leaving a shining wake behind her, and forging ahead to the new land.
Below deck, a tired and battered form fell into a deep sleep.

XD

Um... first of all, I haven't read many of the other chapters, so this seems a little... sudden. But, since I don't know, you've probably just left it on a cliffhanger. That's what i'm guessing anyway.

My first comment? I know how fun it is to beat up characters - really, I do. However, when you write something about a topless guy beating up a girl with a cat-o-nine-tails, the first thing that pops into mind is a sweaty S&M session. I know... I'm bad.

But really, wouldn't the guys do something else for her? If I were in the crew's position,I would simply starve her. After all, if she ain't worth it, she ain't worth it. Toss her overboard perhaps? But then that would require her death, which would be a bad thing. Nah... I would starve her and make sure she can't sleep. It does make sense. Starvation is bad enough - when you're sleep deprived, you begin to lose your mind. A lot more effective than salt! Plus, it doesn't get the crew really horny -- who could love a starved loon?

So yeah. Rethink your brutal scene.

And... lots of typos. You put random periods all over the place and you forget punctuation for your dialogue. Read your favorite book and analyze how they write dialogue. And fix it.

Lol Snoink!!! The 'random periods' I explained at the top of the page On the convict ships, they didn't starve them on purpose (they all starved together basically) but I'll keep your suggestion in mind, Snoink.

Thanks

Okay, I haven't read anything here since the first chapter (or was it the prologue?). So, this kinda came out of left field for me and is lacking in context. Before I can really criticize the brutal scene, I have to understand the context. This is apparantly a prison ship. I know this is set in the past. Victorian yes? Where is the prison ship heading? How much research have you done into what went on on prison ships in this time period. I don't have anything against violence in stories as a general rule. However, I don't really see the purpose of it here. Random violence I understand can have an effect on the moral of the prisoners and foster an environment of fear. This can be powerful. But, I think it might be more effective if you have her NOT be the one picked. Have the tension, the fear. Have the guard look at her. She can expect ot be chosen. Then experience relief as someone else is picked. If she is the first and only one picked, the audience doesn't have time to build up any tension. I think tension might be more powerful than actual violence against he character. At least this early into the episode of hte prison ship. Now, I say this having not read chapter 4, which for all I know might contain just such a story. Anyway, I thought violence was too much without having any context for it and without any resolution in the chapter.

Aside from that...

Startled, she sat up, her eyes wide with
“Its alright, they’re just s.hooting seabirds

Is something missing?

How did her stuff get stolen out form under her head?

You do nothing to establish her friend. There is nothing in their interaction that implies they are anyhting other then cell-mates. She needs a name and a description. The relationship needs to be established. She isn't a friend just because you say she is.

Wake up,
Eat breakfast which consisted of dry bread and water and occasionally a stale and weevilly ship biscuit,
Listen to the noisy tramping of soldier’s boots overhead as they paraded on deck, and the shouting of officers,
Sit in suspense as convicts were randomly chosen to get 10 lashes by the whip each day,
Swallow a thin cold gruel for lunch,
Watch desperate people g.amble for clothes or belongings
Sit in darkness until supper time...

Your tenses switch. If you want to establish a pattern, use present tense throughout each line. "Listen to noisy tramping of soldier's boots overhead as they PRARADE on deck"

Collapsing onto the deck, still unconscious, the b.lood dripped silently down her back, forming a pool below her.

The grammar is just off in this sentence. You don't have a subject for "collapsing". The only subject int he sentence is "blood". The blod is not collapsing. Also. Collapsing is the wrong tense. "Emily collapsed onto the deck, still unconscious, Blood dripped silently down her back, forming a pool below her." I assume that is what you meant.

It is still an interesting story. I am just a little lost without having read anything else in a while. Some of my questions may be answered in other sections, I don't know. I will go looking for the rest of it. I might comment more then.

Thanks, Carmina Yeah, if you read the other chapters you'll get more of an idea about the story. Its just that I wanted her to get whipped a bit, because I have a scene for later on in my mind....but I can see that it would have been good just to have the suspense. The other chapters are in 'Other Fiction'....I should post the links to them on here

Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Chapters 1-2

Prologue

O.k. I went back and read all the the chapters to this point. They didn't answer my questions quite as I had hoped. I think there is too much space between chapters. It is hard to convey to an audience how long and miserable the voyage is in such short chapters. You tell what daily life on the ship is like, but don't really show it. The friend talked about in this chapter does not specifically appear in any other chapters. She may be the first person to talk to her on the ship, but you don't establish that it is the same person. I understand wanting to have Emily beaten if it will come up later, but perhaps there could be a better reason for it. For some reason, I am bothered by the random violence. Did that really go on on the ships? I can see beating the prisoners for actual infractions like fighting, talking back to the guards, or trying to get out of the hold. Random violence like that seems like it would lead the prisoners to mutiny. There would probably be more prisoners than guards. Beatings should be to keep order, not random. Also, in a previous chapter, you have Emily actually get up on deck. That would warrant a beating, but if she got away with that...then the random beating just doesn't make sense. Maybe have someone point out that she had opened the hatch and gotten on deck so this is just belated punishment.

lol, moved 'em. at least I hope i did that right.. my eyes arent agreeing much with me at the moment.

now, I know i read the prologue, and i think the first chapter.. and it does seem a bit sudden, like Snoink and Carmina said.

But one thing.. the list. I don't really like how it stands by itself on the page. maybe italicised (sp?) like it's a thought, but in the paragraph. It would make it seem more like acceptance of her fate to me.

Also, I was never sure what to do with noise words, like "crash". Snoink, any suggestions there?

and the salt on wounds thing.. that hurts, but.. why? why waste the salt? I don't recall what era this is set in, but salt is usually highly valued, a person wouldn't use it for tortue, unless there was an abundent amount. it was far too useful for perserving food.

I'll get gramatical in the morning, when I can see the screen more clearly, ok? good.

Emily the slave.

Okay... what era of history is this?

The salt is to heal the wounds and was much used....

Yeah, I think I'll put in somewhere that she had been dobbed in by someone

Its in the 1800's...when the first fleet came to Australia

Thanks for the comments/critiques. I am rather busy at the moment so I can't fix it up, but I will do so as soon as I can

First...uh...her eyes wide with...what exactly? There's lotz of typos. I think I'm a little behind on some of the chapters so I'll read those to see what is exactly going on, but for now, I think you made a good start on this chapter, though like snoik said it needs a little work.

A choked sob escaped Emily, but she bit her lip resolutely, and prayed silently, feeling herself go numb as the flogging continued. A few of the soldiers flinched as the whip began to draw b.lood and left deep marks across the pale skin. The mate took a deep breath and delivered the last blow hardest of all.
A pie.rcing shriek split the air as the lash severed the quivering g.irls last strength. With a last gasp, she fainted, still tied to the mast. She hung limply until an officer cut her loose. Collapsing onto the deck, still unconscious, the b.lood dripped silently down her back, forming a pool below her.

u forgot to make this a new paragraph ^. I don't really like how you did the list either. I would have put like it was on a sheet of paper on something with numbers or something. I liked it. Tell me when you have more.

What a weird computer you have.

Emily woke up to the sound of gunshots. Startled, she sat up, her eyes wide with -- With what?

Wake up,
Eat breakfast which consisted of dry bread and water and occasionally a stale and weevilly ship biscuit,
Listen to the noisy tramping of soldier's boots overhead as they paraded on deck, and the shouting of officers,
Sit in suspense as convicts were randomly chosen to get 10 lashes by the whip each day,
Swallow a thin cold gruel for lunch,
Watch desperate people g.amble for clothes or belongings
Sit in darkness until supper time... -- This shouldn't be in italic and 10 should be ten. And I don't think the soldiers would be bothered enough to go whipping prisoners for no reason.

cat-o-nine tails -- Again it should be a normal whip and not a cat o' nine tails.

the bare back of the girl -- Bare back? Wasn't she wearing a dress or did they make her take it off?

I agree with Carmina about her friend who doesn't get mentioned in the other chapters. She should be introduced and you need to tell the reader how they became friends.

Thanks for the comments

I thought I'd mentioned a friend in about the second chapter...but I'll go see if I can establish one

The only thing I noticed was that they would have stripped off HER shirt, not his shirt, to make the whipping more severe. Why the heck does he need to take it off anyway, if he's not the one being whipped?

lol, I guess its so he doesn't have anything restricting his arms when he's whipping... good point though, Sam