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Chapter One



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Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:54 pm
iheartbooks says...



The next morning I woke up at my regular wake up time, 6:30. I was so tired, but I had to go down and start the chores. I got out of my bed and started to get dressed. I was just about to pull the nightgown over my head when I heard someone snore and turn over in their bed.

Oh crap!

I basically ran with my stuff down to the bathroom downstairs. I had forgotten all about Raymond! I prayed desperately that he had really been asleep. I put on my clothes and slapped my face with some cold water before going to the kitchen to make pancakes. I never had to wake anyone else up because the smell of buttery pancakes would wake them all up. One by one, everyone came down to the kitchen.

Everyone was downstairs before I could even make all the pancakes. All except for Raymond, but when he finally came down, everyone was surprised at his apperance, except me and my mom of course.

Raymond’s blond hair was sticking up every which way and he was rubbing the sand out of his blue eyes. He blinked a few times and looked around at us all. Mrs. Gregors looked disgusted at his dirty overalls, Mrs. Nichols tilted her head as if she was confused, Nellie looked at our mom, our mom kind of smiled, Miss Arnolds got that look she gets when she has a good painting ides, Mr. Gregors looked around to see what everyone else was doing, Mr. Nichols looked around once and grabbed a plate of pancakes, and Benjamin pointed at Raymond and yelled, “Boy!”

“Everyone, this is Raymond. He and his mother joined this household last night,” my mom said. “Where is your mother Raymond?” He shrugged and sat down at my father’s old spot. I gasped and looked at my mom, but she shook her head. I motioned at the chair trying to tell her that it was father’s chair but she still shook her head. I scowled and passed out the pancakes.

“Where did she go last night?” Raymond asked my mom. She looked blank for a moment, but then remembered what he was talking about.

“She slept with Patricia,” said my mom looking over at Miss Arnolds.

Miss Arnolds looked up and said, “I didn't hear anyone come up into my room, and nobody was there this morning.” Everyone just kind of looked at each other for a while.

“Well, maybe she left a note saying that she went into town,” said my mom trying to be optimistic. I knew what had happened though, and it was all my fault. Raymond’s mom had left in the middle of the night because I had said that there was no more room. I was the only one to move. I got up and went to Miss Arnolds’ room in the attic, there was a note on the bedside table.


Dear Raymond,
I am so sorry I have to leave you, but you are old enough to understand that what is done, must be done. I had to leave because they are running out of room and if someone else comes looking for a home, I do not want them to be turned down at my expense. I couldn’t take you with me because I have to live somewhere where it may be dangerous for you. I’ve left all the money I could spare, $10. Be the man I know you are and I will come for you when I have the money.
Love,
Mother


I brought the note downstairs and handed it and the money to Raymond. After maybe the longest five minutes ever, except for when I found out about my father, Raymond got up, gave the money to my mom, and said, “She’s gone.” Then he walked out the door with his hands in his pockets, head bowed low.

My mom read the note and started to cry, not full on sobbing like she did for my father, but silent tears. She looked at me and said, “What are you standing there for? You got him into this mess! Go get him, he’s not going anywhere!”

I was hurt by my mom’s words, but I knew they were true. I ran out to catch up to him. I found him in the tree I always read in, he was sitting there with one leg hanging down. When he saw me coming he got down from the tree and started to walk away.

“Where are you going?” I asked, he didn’t reply but kept walking.

“I said, ‘where are you going?’” I asked again and walked in front of him, forcing him to stop.

“I’m not going to bother you with my presence anymore, since you obviously think you have too much on your plate already,” he said and pushed me out of the way. I kept walking with him, trying to think of something to say to convince him to stop. After we had gotten down to the corner by Henry’s house, I thought of what to say.

“But, if you leave, how will your mom come back to get you?” I asked him and he stopped.
“I would find her,” he said and started to walk again.

“But how would you find her, it’d be so much easier if you just sat back and let her come to you!” I said and this time it really looked as if he was thinking of it as a possibility.

“Lucy, do you have any more of those delicious brownies?” said someone behind me. I turned around and saw Henry, I smiled.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy,” he said, eyeing Raymond from head to toe.

“Oh, no, he’s just, um-,” I said and eyed Raymond who said, “I’m a boarder at her mother’s house.”

I felt so relieved when he said that. Henry stuck out a hand and Raymond shook it. After wiping his hand on his trousers, Henry said, “How nice to, uh, meet you. Won’t you two come in?” I really wished I could but my mom would have expected us back.
“Oh, gee Henry, I really wish I could, but I can’t because we need to go clothes shopping, Raymond and I. School’s starting in a couple of weeks so we need some clothes,” I said and Raymond started going back to the house. I waved to Henry and followed Raymond.
Last edited by iheartbooks on Sat Apr 24, 2010 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous
  





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Sat Apr 24, 2010 6:54 am
fictionfanatic says...



You're grocery listing in more than a few parts. It gets kind of annoying after a while because all you're doing is listing off things she's doing.

And I don't think Lucy's mom would say it was all her fault that a mother abandoned her child. I don't think any mother would really say that to be honest with you.

Hope you don't mind the criticism.
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Gender: Female
Points: 314
Reviews: 63
Sat Apr 24, 2010 3:12 pm
iheartbooks says...



Oh no, thank you for the critisism!
I guess I'm always one for always knowing what's happening so it's good that you pointed it out. I tried to fix it but I still kept a few things in there. I guess that's just my style of writing.
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous
  





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Mon Jun 14, 2010 9:42 pm
ballerina13 says...



I enjoyed this chapter as well but I find that you are not really showing us what happened but telling us. Let us feel as if we know Lucy and her family. Make it more personal. There is not a lot of description. What does the house look like, the streets, things like that. Description allows the reader to see the place instead of just reading about it. I hope this was not hurtful. Just trying to help. I am excited to read more. Keep working! :D
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