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Journey To Freedom (Chapter Two)



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Gender: Female
Points: 314
Reviews: 63
Sun Apr 25, 2010 1:41 am
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iheartbooks says...



(Note, she has just waken up from her flashback/dream thing)

When I woke up the first thing I thought was, “I can’t feel my toes.” As soon as I figured out that I was neither still in the water or dead but in a small cabin I sat straight up. I looked around and decided I should probably get out of here because it was filled with dead animals and knives.
“I wouldn’t leave so soon,” I heard from back in the dark corner say. I almost fell off of the bed I was laying on from fright.
“Why can’t I go? Who are you?” I asked. My head kind of hurt and I was cold and he was in the dark so I couldn’t see him.
“That doesn’t matter, what matters is that you are a runaway slave who almost drowned and got saved by a man who also happens to live right by a battle site where many confederates still hide trying to find runaways,” he said, coming out from the corner. He was a man of about thirty. He had a short beard and curly black hair. His skin was a tan color. He had a huge scar right across his face and he was very intimidating.
“Are you part of the Underground Railroad,” I asked because I had heard of it but never had I found a house that was part of one. When I said that he looked up and stared at me before he said, “No, I’m not, I would be but-“
He was interrupted by a very loud and scary knock at the door.
“Jeremiah, open the door right now,” the person said from the other side.
Jeremiah hesitated for a second before he went over to open a small hole in the door to see who it was. Apparently he approved of the person who was there because he unlocked the many locks and unlatched the many latches and opened the door. The man who walked in was an old short bald man who looked panicked and started to pace. When he saw me and he stopped dead.
“What, what is it?” Asked Jeremiah and the man put his hand inside of his coat and pulled out a wanted picture of me, ME! Okay so it wasn’t that big of a surprise, but it was still shocking because I’ve never had a picture before. It was too bad that a wanted sign was my first.
Jeremiah took one look at it and said to me, “We need to get out of here, now.”
I sat there and watched as the two men packed up random things into a small sack. “Come on,” one of them said, I couldn’t tell because I wasn’t really paying attention.
***
All I could think was, “I am going to die, I am going to die.” But when I thought about it I didn’t really mind, I mean maybe if the circumstances were different, but it was so calm down here. It was cold but not as cold as I thought it would be and I saw a small fish swim past me. Then I heard a horrible screeching noise that was all too familiar and I recognized it right away as Gage’s mother. The seaweed was thick down here so it was hard to see when I looked up but I could see a figure swimming towards me, Gage.
“No!” I tried to yell but it only came out as a bunch of bubbles. He grabbed my hand and started pulling me back to the surface. Gage must have sensed my resistance because he came down next to me and kissed me, he really kissed me and began to pull me up again. That time I did come, I swam ahead of him, that’s how enthusiastic I was. I did finally reach the surface and it felt so wonderful to breath in the fresh air. I looked around to see Gage’s mother passed out on the ground, Gage’s father telling my father to save his son, my father running out to where I was, my mother trying to get Gage’s mother back to consciousness, and most of all I noticed that Gage hadn’t popped his head up next to mine. I looked down but still couldn’t see him. I started to panic because I couldn’t find Gage and because I couldn’t swim so I couldn’t swim to find Gage. When my father got to me he ignored that I was looking for Gage and pulled me out. After he made sure I was fine he jumped into the hole to find Gage.
The time until my father’s head popped up went so slow I could have sworn time had stopped. When he finally reappeared he had Gage with him, but something was wrong.
“Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!” I heard Gage’s mother scream. I heard my mother gasp, I heard Gage’s father give out a sob, and I felt something die inside of myself.
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous
  





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169 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1544
Reviews: 169
Sun Aug 15, 2010 11:28 pm
Lethero says...



(Note, she has just waken up from her flashback/dream thing)

Don't tell the flashback is over. Show us in the story.

Again, add spaces between paragraphs, because YWS doesn't indent. If you don't, it makes it hard for the read to see where one paragraph begins and the other ends.

When I woke up the first thing I thought was, “I can’t feel my toes.”

Thought need to be italicized. It makes it easier for the reader to discern between things spoken and things inside the Main Character's head.

I looked around and decided I should probably get out of here because it was filled with dead animals and knives.

What difference does it make if the place is filled with knives and dead animals? Give us a reason why the character why the character thinks she has to get out because there's knives and dead animals.

to live right by a battle site where many Confederates still hide trying to find runaways,”

Confederates with a capital C.

because he unlocked the many locks and unlatched the many latches and opened the door.

Give us a more discernible number. Don't just say many because it could mean thousands.

Asked Jeremiah and the man put his hand inside of his coat and pulled out a wanted picture of me. ME!

Make the second me a sentence of its own.

I couldn’t tell because I wasn’t really paying attention.

Couldn't tell what? Who said it?

The seaweed was thick down here so it was hard to see when I looked up but I could see a figure swimming towards me, Gage.

Seaweed? I though this was a lake, not a sea?

“Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!”

Stick with a normal no, and one exclamation point.

Overall: This is slightly better than the first. It had more description, but still not enough. Describe what Gage looks like as his head emerges without exactly telling us he's dead. The only reality problem I found is that there is seaweed in a lake. Believe it or not, there's not that much weeds in a lake, and especially nothing like seaweed. Mostly there's just old logs that fell in and maybe some grass-like plants. I'll look at the other two chapters and give you a review on those. If you need any help, or post another part of this story and need a review, feel free to PM me here on YWS and I'll get on it ASAP.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  








What will live longer, you or your words? Something to think about the next time you abandon a project...
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