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Journey To Freedom (Chapter Three)



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Sun Apr 25, 2010 1:43 am
iheartbooks says...



(Note, she has just woken up from her flashback/dream thing)

A gunshot took me back to reality.
“You, slave, you need to come now,” Jeremiah said, grabbing my wrist and pulling me out the door. When we got outside I recognized a few people in a crowd that was coming toward us. They were the slave catchers that had been following me for the past year and Gage’s father.
“Stop,” Gage’s father said. “I will let you two idiots live if you just give us that thing you’re holding onto.” Then he spit at me which I didn’t think was all that necessary since he had already called me a thing.
“You’ll get this ‘thing’ when pigs fly,” said Jeremiah and we began to run, well they ran and I half ran and was half dragged.
“Then I guess it’s raining bacon today boys,” said the leader of the slave catcher and they started to chase us on their horses. As we ran I heard gunshots and I heard bullets whizzing past our heads.
“Take her to Jennifer’s,” the old small bald man said and then he stopped and pushed a nice sized tree onto the path. Then looking back to see my puzzled face he said, “It was already broken.” That was the last thing he said though because after he took some snakes out of his pocket, and put them on the ground to scare the horses, the leader of the slave catchers shot him. At least I heard the shot but I couldn’t let myself look back to see what happened to him.
After running for a good half hour we stopped and decided to wait. After another hour we decided to try to head back to Jeremiah’s cabin. When we got there all seemed well until we heard someone say “FIRE!” Next thing I knew the whole cabin was in flames. I looked up at Jeremiah and he looked down at me and beckoned for me to follow him. We walked about five miles until my legs gave way and the sun started to rise. We found a nice spot to hide and I laid down to fall asleep.
***
I came back from the field, I had been put back in the fields, and found my family’s hut in flames. People were crying outside of the hut and there were three white men who kept adding fire to the already ruined hut. A boy that was two years older than me looked back and saw me. He got up and ran to me, I thought he would just tell me that a few drunks came and started burning random huts down. Instead of that he tackled me and pushed me behind a large bush.
“What do you think you are-“I started but he put his finger over my lips.
“Liberty,” he said, “you have to go now.”
“What? Why, my, my family-“ I said but he shook his head.
“Liberty, your family was in the hut when they started to burn it, they still are. You need to go now before they find you, they will kill you because they think it’s your fault their son died,” he said and I lost all self control. I jumped up and started to yell at the people who were responsible for the death of my mother, father, and my newly born brother. The boy tried to keep me back and keep me from running towards them.
“NO,” I screamed, “No!” I was struggling to get out of his grasp. They all turned to look at me and the people burning my family got out their guns.
“Gage would’ve died for nothing,” said the boy holding me back, “GO!” I didn’t think anymore and I just turned around and began to run. I heard a gunshot and I turned around to see the boy who had been holding me go down and I ran faster. My ride on the train had begun and it was a scary one.
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous
  





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Sun Aug 15, 2010 11:45 pm
Lethero says...



Note, she has just woken up from her flashback/dream thing)

Don't tell us, we'll figure that out when we start to read.

You, slave, you need to come now,”

Read this out to yourself. It sounds weird.

I will let you two idiots live if you just give us that thing you’re holding onto.” Then he spit at me which I didn’t think was all that necessary since he had already called me a thing.

Put the word thing in italics to put emphasis on what this guy thinks of the MC. Also I would suggest changing the bold section to "spat towards".

That was the last thing he said though because after he took some snakes out of his pocket,

I doubt snakes will sit nicely in a guys pocket. Maybe, have them in a burlap sack or something.

there were three white men who kept adding fire to the already ruined hut.

Do these guys produce fire out of their hands? I think you meant fuel or wood.

“Gage would’ve died for nothing,”

Did Gage die to give her freedom? I thought it was an accident?

Better description, but just a little bit more work to get it perfect. I actually could see in my mind, the main character trying to run towards her family. Also, even though they are burning down their hut, the white guys could be drunk. They had a few drinks and rallied the people against the MC.

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Lethero the Werewolf
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*Lethero*
  








When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are.
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