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Journey To Freedom (Chapter Four)



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Sun Apr 25, 2010 1:45 am
iheartbooks says...



(Note, she has just woken up from her flashback/dream thing)

“Wake up, wake up,” I heard Jeremiah say while he shook me. I got up and I looked around to see that it was night time.
“We have to keep moving,” said Jeremiah and I nodded.
We walked for three nights straight until I finally asked where we were going.
“You know that old short bald man,” he asked me and I nodded, “We’re going to his daughter Jennifer’s house. She is part of the Underground Railroad and she can help you.”
“Jeremiah, can I ask you something?” I asked him.
“Of course,” he said.
“Back in your cabin you said that you weren’t part of the Underground Railroad but you’re helping me like you were,” I said and looked up at him to find that his kind, gentle face had turned into a scary face of rage.
“People make mistakes sometimes,” he told me, “And other people hold those mistakes against you.”
“I know what you mean,” I said and he looked down at me.
“But sometimes things happen for a reason,” he said, “Sometimes bad things have to happen so that a very good thing can happen.” I thought about that for a while but I didn’t think anything good would ever come out of my experiences.
For the next couple of weeks Jeremiah would tell me stories of people in the Bible. My favorite was about how Moses led God’s people to freedom. Then Jeremiah told me about a person named Harriet Tubman who was often compared to Moses. She would lead slaves to freedom in Canada which was where we were going after getting to Jennifer’s house. I didn’t believe in the God they talked about though because if there were such a person why was my life so messed up? Whenever I told Jeremiah about my doubts he would just shake his head, look up, and say, “Forgive her, she doesn’t understand.”
Finally Jeremiah said that we would get to Jennifer’s house after the next nights walk. I was so excited that I could hardly sleep so I decided to try to pray.
“Dear God,” I felt silly, like I was talking to air, “I thought that maybe I could make you a deal. I would really believe in you, but you’d have to do something drastic, something I would never expect to happen.” After that I kind of drifted off.
Jeremiah woke me up the next day when the sun had just started to go down. We started to walk the next eight miles.
“I just realized this, I don’t know your name,” Jeremiah said, “I wouldn’t know how to introduce you.”
“My name is Liberty,” I said, he nodded and we walked the rest of the way like we normally would, in silence. We finally got to the outskirts of a small town. We walked a little longer until we reached this large white house with a widow’s walk on the top. We approached the house and Jeremiah went to knock on the back door.
“Jeremiah, how do you know this is the right house?” I asked, he ignored me and knocked on the door.
“I’ve been here before,” he said simply. We waited for about three minutes and I began to worry that she wasn’t here. But then I heard a click and the door opened.
“Jeremiah?” A very pretty woman said and she flung her arms around him.
“Jennifer, it’s good to see you,” he said looking slightly happier. She invited us in and he told her to sit down. He explained everything that happened, about me and her father, she cried a bit.
“He died a good man,” she said and she looked away, “but he died before seeing the end.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked her.
“It means the war is over,” she said looking out her window.


THE END!!!!
Please try not to be too harsh... :)
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous
  





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Mon Aug 16, 2010 12:02 am
Lethero says...



(Note, she has just woken up from her flashback/dream thing)

Again, show us in the story.

said Jeremiah and I nodded.

I think "Jeremiah said" sounds better, don't you?

We walked for three nights straight until I finally asked where we were going.

They can't walk for three nights straight. After about seventy hours, exhaustion will set in.

You know that old short bald man,” he asked me and I nodded, “We’re going to his daughter Jennifer’s house.

Instead of that, how about, "Remember the man that came in before those men came? . . ." Also when giving a person more than one descriptive adjective, put commas between them.

Back in your cabin you said that you weren’t part of the Underground Railroad, but you’re helping me like you were,

comma after railroad.

Nice story, but it could be more of a short story and not a novel. Add more description, describe the main character. With a little work you can turn this into a great short story. If you have anything else, feel free to PM me for a review, and I'll get to it ASAP.

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Lethero the Werewolf
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That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead