z

Young Writers Society


My Robin Hood Chapt. 7



User avatar
151 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8414
Reviews: 151
Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:45 am
Forestqueen808 says...



Chapter Seven

I wiped a tear away from my eye as I ate a bowl of warm soup for supper the next day. The soup tasted thin and old, and unlike in Sherwood Forest, I didn’t have mead to wash it down. My mother and I didn’t speak as we ate; we just sat in silence, sipping our soup silently.

A knock at the door took us away from our meal. “Oh, must be the sheriff,” she said, standing up and walking to the door. I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling that it had barely grown in the past few days. I stood up quickly and rushed to my bedroom. I reached for an old ragged cloak and threw it on, pulling the hood over my head, covering my horribly cut hair.

My heart raced as I walked out of the room and heard the sheriff’s voice. “Ivy! Where have you been? Who took you?” Questions flew out of his mouth faster than the wind. I bit my lip as I heard the sounds of his footsteps coming towards me and he put his hands on my shoulders.

“No, no one took me,” I stuttered slightly. “I went for a, a ride in the wood one day and well, I got lost.”

“And how did you survive without food for that long?”

I thought about it for a moment before I lied. “Well, some men found me and gave me food. It was enough food to last for a while, I came home with some too and we ate it for breakfast this morning,” I said. “Didn’t we mother?”

“Wait?” I turned to where she was standing and gave a small nod before she responded with the answer I needed to hear. “Oh yes, we did.”

“Did the men tell you their names at all?”

I shook my head. “Why?”

“They could have been outlaws. They could have poisoned all of you. They are dangerous, foul people. You should stay away from the woods for a while Ivy. You never know when one of those outlaws will jump out and do something bad to you.”

“I appreciate your concern sheriff, but I’m a big girl. I think I can handle myself,” I said. “Now I must go check on Nightshade.” I walked past him and began walking out the door when he stopped me.

“Ivy, you have a disadvantage. Your blindness makes everything more dangerous, I just want to offer you my protec-”

“I assure you I will be fine sheriff,” I said and left the house and went back into the stables, to find Nightshade and the horse I had ridden home the night before tied near each other. I put my face to the horse who I had ridden home on. He smelled like the forest, he smelled like the place I had finally felt that I had really belonged in. I could almost hear the sound of Robin’s voice in tune with the horse’s heartbeat that was drumming slightly.

“Alms for the poor, alms for the poor,” he was saying. Strange, why would I imagine him saying that? I pulled away from the horse, expecting the memories to disappear, but the sound of his voice only grew louder.
I walked out of the stable, a rush of wind coming for me. It carried the sound of Robin’s voice to my ears, making my heart leap with excitement, with fear. The wind forced my hood of slightly but I kept the hood of the cloak firmly over my head as I heard soft footsteps approaching and his voice right next to me.

“Robin?” I whispered his name breathlessly. I heard the footsteps stop and turn towards me. I breathed in slowly, my heart racing. “Is that you?”

“Ail…” he stopped. “Wait, Ivy?”

I nodded. “Do you remember me?”

“How could I forget…” I could feel his eyes tracing over my features and glancing up at my hood. We stood there in silence for a moment, my heart banging against my chest so loudly I was sure he could hear it. “Excuse me,” he finally broke the silence. “But do you know anyone named Ailwin?”

I felt my lip tremble and I quickly bit it, nodding.

“Do you know where I can find him?”

I wanted to cry, I wanted to just pour out everything to him. I wanted to show him that I was Ailwin, I was the one he had told about his sad past. I was the one who he had trusted, who had messed everything up. “I haven’t,” I paused and took in a deep breath, closing my eyes. “I haven’t seen him in a while, but if you want me to give him a message.” I quickly added, “If you want me to of course.”

“No, its okay,” he said and turned away from me. I felt my heart sink. Should I tell him and let him tell me himself? Would he still let me be with him in Sherwood Forest? Of course not, I thought. I messed everything up and left. If he found out I was Ailwin…He wouldn’t ever trust me again.

I nodded slowly. “I better be going, I have to check how everything is with my mother.” I began walking but he quickly stopped me. My hand trembled as he grabbed it, his fingers grasping gently. Tears came to my eyes as I turned around, wishing I could just look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. But I couldn’t, it was an unfair disadvantage of being blind, I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes.

“Just tell him, that we’re, no.” He swallowed, clearing his mouth. “Tell him that I’m sorry. Can you do that for me Ivy?”

I nodded in response and felt the tears prick my eyes, threatening to flow. I quickly blinked them back and turned, making Robin let go of my hand. The flesh seemed unbearably cold as soon as his fingers had left it. It was as if part of me was suddenly missing, something that I wanted, something that I needed.

* * * *

“I have to leave again mother,” I said that night before my mother went to bed.

“Leave to where?” she asked, her voice rising in pitch.

“Sherwood,” I whispered the name, thinking of Robin and how he had told me he was sorry. I had to go back there, I just had to. “I’ll be back someday mother,” I said.

I heard her sniffle once or twice before coming over to me and wrapping her arms around me. “But you have to get married and be a lady and-

“Mother!” I pulled away. “Please! Just try and understand me for once! I don’t want that. Any of it!” I yelled, pulling the cloak over my eyes and running out the door and to the stables. I climbed on the horse I had ridden back and left, the sounds of my mother’s sobbing remaining with me until I reached the forest.

A gentle wind blew my cloak hood off slightly, releasing a few strands of hair. They tickled my face as I rode along, hoping to come across the men. “They’re probably all asleep, it’s the middle of the night after all,” I said, sighing. I hadn’t memorized the way to the camp yet, I had never really been out of camp those days I had spent in Sherwood because I was either being shown around camp, training somewhere near camp, or messing everything up.

“Ailwin?” a voice dragged me from my thoughts. I heard footsteps approaching the horse. “Is that really you?”

I nodded. “I’m back Will, what are you doing up so late? And what are you doing out of camp?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he said. I felt his eyes resting on me and I could almost feel that he was sorry. I couldn’t see it in his eyes, or hear it in his voice, I could just…feel it. “I’m glad you came back,” he whispered.

“Me too,” I said. “Listen, Will, I’m sorry about how I messed everything up, I really didn’t mean to-”

Will chuckled softly. “Save your breath. Its okay, and it was my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t!” I said. “I should have waited and-”

“No, you were doing your job. It was perfect timing, I would have come to late, I just jumped to conclusions and told the others to attack while I went to help you.”

“But it seemed so-”

“Its fine Ailwin, now come on, let’s get back to camp. Everyone will be happy you're back.” He jumped on the horse with me and together we rode to camp, a few gasps coming from some night wanderers. I heard someone shout my arrival and the next thing I knew, cheers were reaching my ears from all around.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





User avatar
61 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1903
Reviews: 61
Wed Aug 11, 2010 6:41 pm
Sierra says...



Very good, Forestqueen808!


I have a few comments/nitpicks:
*Wouldn't the sheriff be a little more suspicious of Ivy? And wouldn't he want to know why she was wearing a cloak inside?
*Wouldn't Robin have noticed how oddly similar Ivy and Aliwin are?
*Me likely Robin Hood too much. I feel definate sythpathy for Ivy.
*I think Ivy's desitions about going to Sherwood, leaving, then going back again are a little abrupt. Draw them out a little.
*Loved it!
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.
  





User avatar
739 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 32546
Reviews: 739
Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:19 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



“I assure you I will be fine sheriff,” I said and left the house and went back into the stables, to find Nightshade and the horse I had ridden home the night before tied near each other.

This sentence has too many ‘and’s. I’d find a way around that.
I walked out of the stable, a rush of wind coming for me. It carried the sound of Robin’s voice to my ears, making my heart leap with excitement, with fear. The wind forced my hood of slightly but I kept the hood of the cloak firmly over my head as I heard soft footsteps approaching and his voice right next to me.

Look at your last sentence. It kind of bumbles about, no?
I heard her sniffle once or twice before coming over to me and wrapping her arms around me. “But you have to get married and be a lady and-


This line seems unrealistic. Shouldn’t her mom care more about her well being than her future as a lady?

“Mother!” I pulled away. “Please! Just try and understand me for once! I don’t want that. Any of it!” I yelled, pulling the cloak over my eyes and running out the door and to the stables. I climbed on the horse I had ridden back and left, the sounds of my mother’s sobbing remaining with me until I reached the forest.

I don’t like how quickly she decided to return to Sherwood. I understand that she’s torn between the two worlds, but she just switches back between them on a whim. You should make it seem more dramatic on Ivy’s part, and I don’t mean having the characters blubbering about and crying everywhere. I mean, tell us how Ivy is feeling, and what exactly drives her to make sudden decisions.
Now this ending was overdramatic. It didn’t seem like she met more than five people on her short stay, but when she comes back, you say they’re shouting and applauding like celebrating a war hero who came back from battle.

This was a very short chapter and it felt incredibly rushed. I honestly think you should go back and take more time with it, especially since it is so important. Ivy went crying back to her mother, and then makes a sudden, rash decision out of pure drive and passion to rejoin Robin Hood and the gang. I should be feeling more emotion from this chapter, when I’m just not. Also, have you noticed how the characters cry multiple times in every chapter? It makes them seem overemotional and lessens the value of crying.

Probably my least favorite chapter so far, but keep writing! Let me know when you get more done!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





User avatar
19 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3689
Reviews: 19
Sat Oct 30, 2010 11:47 pm
emmily says...



Forestqueen808 wrote:Chapter Seven

I wiped a tear away from my eye as I ate a bowl of warm soup for supper the next day. The soup tasted thin and old, and unlike in Sherwood Forest, I didn’t have mead to wash it down. My mother and I didn’t speak as we ate; we just sat in silence, sipping our soup silently.
This repetition sounds awkward. Trying changing one of these for a different word or taking out the second one.

A knock at the door took us away from our meal. “Oh, must be the sheriff,” she said, standing up and walking to the door. I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling that it had barely grown in the past few days. I stood up quickly and rushed to my bedroom. I reached for an old ragged cloak and threw it on, pulling the hood over my head, covering my horribly cut hair.
This is a very casual reaction to the idea that the Sheriff is visiting. As a poor family who have trouble paying their taxes, they should be afraid of the Sheriff and of the extra taxes he is likely there to collect.

“Alms for the poor, alms for the poor,” he was saying. Strange, why would I imagine him saying that? I pulled away from the horse, expecting the memories to disappear, but the sound of his voice only grew louder.
I walked out of the stable, a rush of wind coming for me. It carried the sound of Robin’s voice to my ears, making my heart leap with excitement, with fear. The wind forced my hood of slightly but I kept the hood of the cloak firmly over my head as I heard soft footsteps approaching and his voice right next to me.

“Robin?” I whispered his name breathlessly. I heard the footsteps stop and turn towards me. I breathed in slowly, my heart racing. “Is that you?”

I can't quite see him showing up like this when the Sheriff was right there. Wouldn't we wait until it was dark or something?

I don't quite believe that Robin would risk searching for Alwin in town, much less to do so when the Sheriff is so close by. Alwin and Robin only knew each other for a few days so I can't see Robin risking so much to try and find the boy. Regardless of the reason, I'm really glad that Ivy/Alwin decided to go back to the camp.

These chapters were posted in early August and nothing new since then. Have you given up on this story? This chapter has set things up so that a lot more can still happen with the story. I hope you keep working on this piece. I want to know how the others react when Alwin comes back to the camp, how 'his' next robbery goes, the reactions of the other characters when they eventually find out that Alwin is actually Ivy and how it is that they find out in the first place, whether she ever admits to Robin how she feels about him and so on.
  








Veni, vidi, scripsi ~ I came, I saw, I wrote
— steampowered