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Young Writers Society


The Seasonal Sisters: Winter



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Gender: Female
Points: 1031
Reviews: 10
Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:45 pm
deelish says...



Wintertime in Times Square was just about the most magical time for New Yorkers...all except for one named Natalia a.k.a. Tally. Why, you ask? When Tally was merely a year old, her birth mother had no choice but to abandon her at Madam Matilda's Orphanage. Cold-hearted Madam Matilda would always remind Tally of the freezing winter night when she was left at the front door of the orphanage.
It was the year of 1975, and young Tally was marveling at the most powerful snow storm in 10 years which was taking place right outside in Times Square. Tally shivered in her thin working apron as she continued to watch the snow storm with anticipation.
"What do you think you're doing, Natalia?" Madam Matilda spat, the sudden interruption startling Tally.
"Nothing, Madam Matilda," Tally mumbled.
"Hmph. Since you claim to be doing nothing, I suppose I should keep you busy. The windows in the basement could use a good clean," Madam Matilda informed, examining her yellowed nails.
"But nobody even goes up there!" Tally complained. Madam Matilda immediately narrowed her eyes.
"You will do as I say, when I say it. Go. Now." Madam Matilda hissed through gritted teeth. After encountering spiders, cobwebs, and dust in the grimy basement, Madam Matilda ordered Tally to go to the local laundromat with Bianca to "'guide her'". Tally knew what the word guide really meant: to keep an eye on her so she wouldn't make a scene. And Bianca was the perfect person for the job. Tally reluctantly shrugged on her itchy hand-me-down and was escorted promptly by Bianca.
Bianca's motion detector-like eyes made Tally feel uncomfortable until she was able to temporarily part ways once they reached the laundromat. While Bianca picked up Madam Matilda's laundry, Tally was in a semi-trance observing the washing machines. All of a sudden (using her peripheral vision) Tally noticed a woman with dark brown ringlets which looked exactly like hers. Without thinking it through and listening to her instinct, Tally approached the somewhat familiar woman.
"Excuse me, but--" Tally began, the woman turned around to see who had just demanded her attention. The second she had realized who it was, she gasped, dropped her laundry basket, and scurried out of the laundromat. Tally slowly walked up to the laundry basket and leaned in to pick up one of the articles of clothing. If lost, please return to Nina Fargo Tally silently read off the label. Her last name is Fargo, too! Is this just a coincidence or could she possibly be my mother? Tally wondered.
Later that day, Tally tossed and turned in bed because of the unsolved mystery at the laundromat. The same questions relating to the laundromat incident repeatedly played in Tally's mind like a broken record until Tally finally fell asleep. Tally picked at her watery oatmeal the next morning as usual and then rushed out of the orphanage once she was free of chores.
She entered the laundromat with high expectations and then exited with crushed dreams and a glum face. This routine went on for 6 days in a row until Tally's seventh time going to the laundromat. The mystery woman with dark brown ringlets wasn't there again, so Tally struggled through the knee-deep snow blanketing Times Square. Tally decided to sit down on one of the many snow-covered benches. It's hopeless, I'll never find out if that woman is really my birth mother of not.
Tally automatically burrowed her head into her knees and clutched her knees for support. All of a sudden, a gloved hand landed upon Tally's shoulder. "Natalia, my beloved Natalia," A warm feminine voice whispered. Tally cautiously lifted her head and there, standing less than a foot away, was the woman with dark brown ringlets.
"A-Are you N-Nina Fargo?" Tally stuttered, partly because of the frigid weather and partly because of her nerves.
"Just call me Mom," Tally's mom confirmed.
"No---" Tally shook her head in denial "--if you were my real mother you never would have abandoned me at the orphanage. If you were my real mom, you wouldn't have let me suffer everyday. And if you were my real mom, you wouldn't have waited 10 years later to show up in my life again," Tally sniffled and started to rock back and forth.
"Listen, sweetheart, I know you've been through a lot since my foolish mistake 10 years ago but I did it so you could have a better life. I had you when I was only 18, you father was nowhere to be seen, and I couldn't provide you with what you needed at the time. I'm begging you...forgive me," Tally's mom explained/pleaded. Tally looked up to see if she was being sincere and the moment she did, there was no doubt that this woman was her mother. Her real, flesh-and-blood mother.
"Mom," Tally whimpered, tears springing from her eyes as she leaped up to embrace her long-lost mother. The snow abruptly stopped falling and the sun was crawling out of the shadows. Tally took this as a sign. A sign that luck was on her side after all. Winter isn't so bad as I though. In fact, One's hardships can lead to a great experience and that's...that.
  





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463 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 12208
Reviews: 463
Sat Sep 18, 2010 1:53 am
megsug says...



Welcome to YWS, Deelish.
I liked this. The problem is that there is a bit of a time conflict. You say it is 1975 but with the thin, work apron and the whole orphanage set up it sounds less modern and more 1800's-ish. Foster care and evil foster parents might work better instead of an orphanage though I'm not an expert on that kind of thing. Or you might want to back the time period up, either one.
The main character was kind of woe is me the whole time. The orphanage keeper is mean, the other girl is mean, she cannot catch a break. That's fine. Black and white is ok for a story but I think you would add more depth to you characters by adding in a friend or a fortunate even excluding meeting up with her mother.
One last thing. The dialouge was a little wooden. I have a problem with it too. It is not a big deal but if you write what you would say at that moment it would sound natural and more pleasing.
Okay. There's my review. I hope you get something from it and have a good time at YWS. If you need a review just PM me.
Megsug
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25 Reviews



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Reviews: 25
Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:52 am
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CharlotteGrace says...



I completely agree with Megsug. The time line is very conflicting. I need it to be clearer than what it is. It just confused me even more.
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball
  





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131 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3558
Reviews: 131
Fri Oct 01, 2010 12:37 am
Sunshine says...



This story seems a bit cluttered to me. I mean that you needed a bit more space.
Deelish wrote: Madam Matilda's Orphanage. Cold-hearted Madam Matilda would always remind Tally of the freezing winter night when she was left at the front door of the orphanage.
It was the year of 1975, and young Tally was marveling at the most powerful snow storm in 10 years which was taking place right outside in Times Square. Tally shivered in her thin working apron as she continued to watch the snow storm with anticipation.

This part just seems a bit fast. Slow down and explain please!! Lastly the title: Is there a fall, winter ,and summer?
Slow down and keep on writing!!!
I have loved the words and I have hated them. I only hope I have made them right.

---The Book Thief---

Hi, I'm Sunshine! It's lovely to meet you!
  








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