Young Writers Society

this is a new novel I'm working on



One:
AnnaLea:
I guessed Ma assumed this would be easy. Father Townsend knew better. When we left our small apartment and I knew Ma assumed we’d be back. I knew better. And so did John my older brother and Lassa my twin.
We left at dawn eating little except for Carol, Bethany, May and Ma who all ate heartily not knowing we would never return. I walked in time with Father Townsend, who looked strait ahead staring at the marina at the end of the long cobbled street. He carried our belongings in the carpet sack Ma had made from the old carpet in the parlor. My heart raced faster and faster as we neared the dock, John walked in front of us, his red curly hair splayed across his neck. I could hear Ma and Carol discussing the latest fashions they saw as we walked saying “this is so beautiful” and “she looks divine in that color!” Carefree and happy. The idiots I thought as we reached the shore where the boat was tied. My eyes pricked with tears of longing for my old home, my old thoughts, and my old world. I could feel my face grow red with the heat of the tears and fought to keep my expression hidden by way of my cap. But I couldn’t hide from Lassa she stood beside me, one hand on my shoulder the other holding fast to her apron to keep her skirt from flying up from the wind. “it’ll be okay” she said her blond hair whipping across her face from the breeze, I looked into her face: heart shaped and rosy; her sapphire blue eyes swimming with held-back tears. “I know.”

Ok, I liked it, but it's really short, more like a paragraph that a chapter. Also, the character telling the story's name is never said. Also, What are they running from, and why are Ma and Carol so carefree? Write more, your a good writer.

I like it, it was really good, but I agree with Sakuragirl1, it's too short to be a chapter, but I apologise if this is all you've done, I'm sorry if it is . I agree with her queries too, why are Ma and Carol carefree and what are they running from? Also, you spelled straight wrong (you spelled it strait), you missed a few commas (just try reading it back - it always helps ), and the part where she's thinking - it was a little confusing, if you surround it with commas and make it in italics it would be less confusing. And just one more thing- when you start speech, I suggest making the first letter a capital. (And I just wanted to know - is this a historical story, I was just wondering because it's talking sbout a skirt and apron near the end)

OK, I really liked this, just a few little errors, keep writing

PS. I loved your repetition, too. It was really dramatic

Hey there!
This was interesting but it had some problems. First of all, it's under Historical Novels but I really don't have any idea when or where this story is taking place. Why are they leaving their home? Why does the main character know where they're going but not Ma? Is your character a boy or a girl, you mentioned a cap, I'm assuming a boy? And if it is a boy, is Kato supposed to be his name? Sorry about all the questions I just feel a little confused!
Also like others have said this is really short to be a chapter.
Ok, that out of the way it was a good start, I would like to see more. Keep writing!
*daydreamer

okay guys listen up:
~the main character is a girl names AnnaLea
~they are fleeing because she and Lassa found out something they shouldn't have about the country Kato
~it is historical because it set in the past
~its a cap BECAUSE they wore mob-caps in the 1700's

hope that clears it all up

Flower here as requested. Hope I can be helpful here.

First thing I am going to work on is your format. I really think you need to consider fixing this in your stories. It makes it so much easier to read.


One:
AnnaLea:
I guessed Ma assumed this would be easy, but Father Townsend knew better. When we left our small apartment, and I knew Ma assumed we’d be back, I knew better. And so did John, my older brother, and Lassa my twin.

We left at dawn eating little, except for Carol, Bethany, May and Ma, who all ate heartily not knowing we would never return. I walked in time with Father Townsend, who looked strait ahead staring at the marina at the end of the long cobbled street. He carried our belongings in the carpet sack Ma had made from the old carpet in the parlor. My heart raced faster and faster as we neared the dock. John walked in front of us, his red curly hair splayed across his neck. I could hear Ma and Carol discussing the latest fashions they saw as we walked saying “This is so beautiful,” and “She looks divine in that color!” Carefree and happy. The idiots I thought as we reached the shore where the boat was tied.

My eyes pricked with tears of longing for my old home, my old thoughts, and my old world. I could feel my face grow red with the heat of the tears and fought to keep my expression hidden by way of my cap. But I couldn’t hide from Lassa, she stood beside me, one hand on my shoulder the other holding fast to her apron to keep her skirt from flying up from the wind.

“It’ll be okay” she said her blond hair whipping across her face from the breeze. I looked into her face, heart shaped and rosy, and her sapphire blue eyes were swimming with held-back tears.

“I know,” I said.[/quote] I would put some form of description as to how she said it as well.

You lack detail here. I think what you said about why they are leaving should be put into the story. Also to put her name into this, all you have to do is refer to her with one of the other characters.

I think this has promise, but it needs a little work. I think you progress the story to fast, and don't give enought details.

We left at dawn eating little except for Carol, Bethany, May and Ma who all ate heartily not knowing we would never return.

Who are these people? It would be nice if you could say who they are somewhere in the chapter.

I walked in time with Father Townsend

That is a little hard to understand, it sounds weird.

He carried our belongings in the carpet sack Ma had made from an old carpet in the parlor.

My heart raced faster and faster as we neared the dock, John walked in front of us, his red curly hair splayed across his neck.

Nice choice of words.

I could hear Ma and Carol discussing the latest fashions they saw as we walked saying “this is so beautiful” and “she looks divine in that color!” Carefree and happy. Such idiots I thought as we reached the shore where the boat was tied.

I think such would be a better fit.

My eyes pricked with tears of longing for my old home, my old thoughts, and my old world. I could feel my face grow red with the heat of the tears As I fought to keep my expression hidden by way of my cap. But I couldn’t hide from Lassa as she stood beside me with one hand on my shoulder the other holding fast to her apron to keep her skirt from flying up from the wind. “It’ll be okay” she said, her blond hair whipping across her face from the breeze, I looked into her face: heart shaped and rosy; her sapphire blue eyes swimming with held-back tears.

'
A few errors, could be easily fixed.

“I know.” I said.

I was't sure if it was Lassa speaking or the MC but i'm assuming it was the MC? ^_^

Hey Pointe! I'm here to plague- I mean, review, your novel.

Positives
To start, there are parts in this I really like. "I could feel my face grow red ... her blond hair whipping across her face from the breeze." This chunk especially. There is so much about the scene, the emotions, and the characters, included in such a short space. This is a short demonstration of the quality you writing can be, and if you keep that up through the rest of the novel you'll be flying. I also like the style, it seems kind of like a diary entry - very simple, but still effective.

Presentation
Don't forget it! Right now this is one large chunk of writing, which would be expected of a diary entry, but still, for the sake of your reader you need to break this up into paragraphs to make it easier to read. With an entry this short I wouldn't suggest breaking it into too many, but two or three should do.

Length
I do like it as it is, this is short and sweet, but I think it would be better if it was longer. I imagine this is one of the most crucial scenes of your novel, so it's important you make a big effect with it, and it's hard to have a big effect with a piece so short. Although, I've yet to explore what kind of effect such a short opening chapter will have, so I'm going to keep reading before I make a judgement on that.

Father Townsend
A little information on surnames. In old times a surname came from a persons proffesion, that's where 'baker' and 'smith come from. Townsend is a common name for a place, coming from 'towns-end,' so to have someone with a place as a surname sounds pretty strange.

Overall: Still needs a bit of work, but I like the way this is going.
On to part two!